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Issue 162 - 12/6/04
BEAUTIFUL QUALITIES Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be somebody else? Maybe you’ve gotten bored with the same old face in the mirror, the same old clothes, the same way of relating to people, but the prospect of change scares you to death? After all, your friends and family know you and love you just as you are–if you change they might not like you quite so much. Change can be difficult. It involves effort and risk. “What if I get it wrong?” can be a crippling question that locks us into the way things have always been. Still, the dream of transformation lingers. What if you really could be dramatic? Or pretty? Or vivacious? December is the season when we are allowed to believe in fat jolly men that bring us what we have always wanted. It is the season of sugar plum fairies and nutcrackers, of mistletoe and twinkling lights, of big hopes and big dreams. What better time to give yourself permission to experiment with change? You don’t have to change forever – just for an evening, for a few lovely hours. What do your dreams look like? Page through a magazine and tear out all the pictures that seem too wonderful for words. Don’t analyze them yet - just pull out a collection of ten or twenty that inspire you. Now lay them all out across the floor. Is there a common theme? Is there a common color theme? Pastels? Rich neutrals? Drop-dead black? Brilliant brights? Shimmering? Are the looks all casual? Formal? Whimsical? What kind of textures prevails? Rich velvets? Shimmering metallics? Sparkling sequins? Smooth satin? What is interesting about the look? The jewelry? The cut of the garment? The hair? The makeup? The shoes? Is there a print or jewelry motif that you just love? Look for any other commonalities you can discover. By now some themes have likely emerged. Make some notes as to what they are. Which of these ideas is most intriguing to you? Which feels the safest? Probably your best choice will not be either of these two extremes, but something in the middle. If you select the safe choice it will mean little or no change at all. If you select the most extreme, you will not make it out the door and will run back in to change into something safe and understandable. But the ideas in between have lots of potential. Pick two or three and imagine yourself wearing them. Is it a reach for you, but still comfortable enough for you to enjoy yourself? Then you have found the right one. There is no need to copy the whole look. This is an experiment with change, not an extreme makeover. If it is the color that appeals to you, find something in that color to wear. If you can fi nd some of the other ideas you liked in other pictures all in one garment or accessory, then you have it made. Try it on. Do you have the shoes, jewelry, pants or skirt and whatever other items are needed to feel put together? Try on the entire outfit and see how you feel. Can you sit or dance comfortably? Can you manage a drink and a plate of food gracefully? If you are like me, you might not be able to manage a drink and a plate of food gracefully under normal circumstances, but amazing things happen when we step into the character of the person we imagine. How would a woman in these clothes walk? What would she say? How would she enter a room? Now comes the fun part! Just for tonight, you get to be that woman! Does it seem like too much of a reach? Remember, that if the dream appeals to you, you probably have a little bit of that woman’s personality deep inside of you already. Let it come out! Risk being different for just a few hours. Be who you really want to be. Talk to the people you really want to talk to. Each one of us has far more potential than we ever realize. As soon as we begin the process of self-realization we start defining roles for ourselves that eventually box us into a vision that can be confining. There are endless possibilities, undreamed of opportunities that exist beyond the borders of the narrow definition of self called “me.” Get out there and find them! It could transform your whole life. “A person is attractive, not because they are without imperfections, but because they draw our attention to their most beautiful qualities.” Issue 164 - 12/20/04
SUFFERING FROM COCKTAIL PARTY BOREDOM? TRY THIS... We’ve all been there – the party given by some business associate that we don’t really know very well and possibly don’t even like. It’s important to be there because of the business we do with them (or would like to do with them) or because we value the business relationship too much to offend them (our husband’s boss, for instance.) We hover around the food table, stuffing our faces with calorie-loaded treats we don’t want, and even wander into the TV room in the hopes of passing the time unnoticed until we can slip out the door without causing offence. Why not try something new, something that will improve your social skills and exercise your ability to understand people? The premise for this game is that we can read, or make some general assumptions about what a person is like by their appearance. Reading these signs is a necessary component of life, but we seldom do it on a conscious level. We make quick decisions about what we will or will not trust someone with based on how they look. Naturally we have a wide margin of error, but we continue to depend on appearances for our first impressions because we cannot possibly get to know the character of everyone we meet and the frantic pace of life necessitates we make our decisions quickly. The impressions I am referring to are not moral impressions. Rather, they are educated guesses as to an individual’s strengths and weaknesses. The following list will give you a place to start. As you make your observations you may discover many more patterns that give you clues about a person.
Probably by now you can think of some observations of your own. If you think in terms of caricatures, and what details the artist uses to convey certain personality traits, it will be easier for you. Now the fun begins! You are at the party, you have already visited the food table and have plate and drink in hand, and you have scanned the crowd for people you know enough to strike up a conversation with them. You found no one, so you decide to play the game. You see someone across the room deep in conversation with two or three others. What guesses can you make about what they are like? What would you trust them with? What would you NEVER trust them with? Can you identify which physical characteristics helped you draw those conclusions? Here comes the reality check. Walk over and introduce yourself to your target individual and ask them questions to get them to talk about themselves. Listen closely. Does what you hear match with what you thought you saw? How does it differ? In which areas do you think you were correct? Try this with several people and the night will be over before you know it, and you will have a couple new friends as well! Remember that most people’s primary concern is not the impression you are making. Their primary concern is how they feel and how they feel when they are around you. If you help them feel good being with you then they will reward you with smiles and attention. Issue 166 - 1/3/05
NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS The year is new and fresh and full of possibilities, like an infant as yet unblemished by the scars of life. What will we do with it? What changes are truly worth making? Which ones will last, will improve our quality of life, not only for this year but also for years to come? What can we really accomplish? The majority of New Year’s resolutions fall by the wayside in just a few weeks. Why waste our time on half-hearted, half-started change? Let’s find something we really want to do and follow through, investing ourselves and making a deposit in our future, much like a bank account from which we can draw benefits later on. Upwards of 80% of all Americans want to lose weight. Are you one of them? Has it been your goal for so long that it no longer seems like a possibility? Have you put the idea up on the “someday” shelf, waiting for a miraculous method to be discovered that will make the job effortless and permanent? If so, you are not alone. Many of us have tried and failed so many times we can no longer imagine success. Let’s take that idea down off the shelf and dust it off a bit. Why have we failed in the past? Were our goals too extreme? Was our resolve short-lived? Did we truly love to eat more than we desired to be transformed? Did we celebrate our initial successes too early? Were we disappointed in the results, looking for a model’s body and finding only a slightly smaller version of what we have always been, including the same flaws? All of these issues can become traps we fall into along the way before we have reached our goal. How can we be successful this time? Why will this resolution be any different? Let’s first determine what we really want. Sometimes our resolutions fail because we have not actually targeted our true goal. Do we want to lose ten pounds or do we just want to get in shape? Do we want to take off five pounds to make an impression at an important event or do we want to lose fifteen and never see them again? Get as specific as you can, write it down, and commit yourself to seeing it through to completion. What are we willing to change to accomplish our objective? The way we do things right now is the perfect plan to get exactly where we are. To get different results we are going to have to adopt different behaviors. What changes are worth making to reach the final goal? What eating habits could be altered without disrupting your overall lifestyle? Is there a particular food that encourages you to abandon your best-laid plans? How about exercise? Are we willing to walk more? Join a gym? Take diet supplements to aid the process? You know yourself pretty well. Be honest! What are you really going to do? Most of us view dieting as a set of adjustments we endure temporarily to obtain the desired result – losing weight. We expect to return to our old eating patterns as soon as we reach our goal. Another year later and we are right back where we started – possibly even a bit heavier. To make our weight change permanent we must make permanent changes in our lifestyle. On the other hand, giving up a favorite food or vowing to jog every day for the rest of our lives can be a bit overwhelming! Take it one day at a time. What am I sure I can do for just one day? Make it through that day and start the next the same way. Set your resolve for that day, or if need be, set it for the next hour or the next five minutes. Forgive yourself if you slip, and start over right then instead of waiting for a convenient time like next Monday morning after you binge all weekend! As we take lots of little steps they begin to add up to big steps and eventually to monumental changes. Think of each change you make as money in the bank. Even if you miss once in a while you are still accumulating benefits as long as you continue to make deposits. Let’s get out there and get started! And don’t forget to appreciate every little milestone along the way. Best wishes for a happy and successful New Year! Issue 168 - 1/17/05
WHAT IF??? I was driving down the highway the other day at about 75 mph when the car in the right lane swerved towards me. There was no collision and we both went on our way, a little shaken. I thought, “What if he had hit me?” “What if I rolled over into the median strip and was seriously injured? “What if I died?” The progression of questions took only a fraction of a second, but by that time my body was responding physically to the sense of danger. I could feel a tingling in my neck, my hands gripped the wheel and I was beginning to perspire. I was just returning from presenting a speech where I had described the fear I used to have of public speaking. I had recalled my college speech class where a similar series of question had paralyzed me. “What if I forget what I was going to say?” “What if I say something stupid?” “What if I look like a fool?” The anticipation of the possible consequences had put my body into a full “fight or flight” response– I was ready to run! And I was not alone. Statistics show that more of us are afraid of public speaking than we are of death! I was struck by the similar path my brain had taken in both situations. The progression of “What if’s” had caused a fear response so real that it seriously impaired my ability to function. But in both cases I had learned how to shut down the questions and both drive and speak calmly. I have another area where I feel a similar response – downhill skiing! I thought over a typical scenario. I would be rushing down a hill (we are talking the easy ones here – green or gentle blues) and come to a section where the ground seemed to drop away down the side of the mountain. “What if I am going too fast and can’t stop?” “What if I hit and icy patch and can’t hold with my edges?” “What if I go airborne over a cliff?” “What if I fall and injure myself?” “What if I die?” I bet you can picture me already, standing at the top of the gentle slope with my knees quivering as I faced the possibility of near death! I haven’t been out skiing yet since this particular epiphany, but I intend to play a game with myself next time to see if I can shut down the “What if’s” before they begin. One of my goals this year is to conquer that fear! Fear is the single largest obstacle to change in our lives. If we are serious about being transformed, sooner or later we will have to face our fears. What makes your knees shake and palms sweat? Public speaking? Confronting someone? Standing up for yourself? Flying in airplanes? Parachuting? What are the “what if” scenarios your mind throws up to keep you from stepping out? As I considered how to use my new understanding to change I realized that the “what if” questions raise a whole set of possibilities to which my body is compelled to respond all at once. Our imaginations are so powerful that our bodies and emotions believe them, preparing to face whatever we have imagined. And we have to face them all at once instead of a little piece at a time – the way they actually come to us in real life. No wonder it is so terrifying! I plan to unmask all those “what if’s’ as soon as they arise, reassuring my body that they are not all going to happen, and whatever consequences actually occur can be dealt with in a reasonable manner when they happen instead of facing their specter ahead of time. I am practicing in lots of little ways – by picking up the phone and making that call that I was afraid to make and by taking that business risk I’ve been afraid to take. I will practice courage in all kinds of little situations so I can remind my body what courage feels like whenever fear makes a move to hijack my body! I’ll let you know how it works on skiing. Issue 170 - 1/31/05
WHAT IF??? UNPACKING THE CORE The process of change covers all aspects of our being. When we change in one we often find that our new focus throws us out of alignment in another area and we have to change there as well. One such area is our spiritual being, our core. This can be a terrifying subject for the average person to consider precisely because it impacts so many areas of our lives. It is also laden with emotion. We carry more baggage here even than we do in our physical bodies, because we so seldom take it out, unpack it, and evaluate it! Let’s face it – many of us have not unpacked the odd assortment of items that make up our spiritual core and its suppositions since we were about eight years old. Studies have shown that most people’s spiritual understanding is equivalent to that of a second grader. In my last column I wrote about the “what-if’s” that make us afraid. Most of us have a long recording of “what-if’s” that gets switched on whenever the topic of religion or spirituality arises.
It doesn’t take many of these questions for us to throw up our hands, say “Oh, what the ______!” and go back to life as usual. Some thoughts are just too troublesome to deal with. But what might happen if we shut off the recording and investigate, even in the face of all our uncertainties and conflicting emotions? Is our fear or our apathy preventing us from experiencing one of the best things that could ever happen to us? In this particular corner of the world, many of us already have deeply formed ideas about spirituality – who we are, where we come from, who God is or is not, and how exactly we relate to him – or not! But even these carefully formed constructs can calcify and become place-markers for experiences we have had in the past instead of working present realities. They, too, need to be unpacked and sorted through. What is the basis for our belief? Is that basis solid enough to stand on no matter what we face in life? Does it provide a framework from which life becomes full of meaning, purpose and joy? Have we grown more tender and compassionate towards our fellow travelers in life as a result? Above all, are we fully confident that it is true? Why? If you are still with me and have not moved on to the next column, then maybe something in you is searching. Maybe you want to find all those things but don’t know where to look and are too embarrassed to ask. Be bold! Take the risk and ask someone. Pretend for a moment that there really is a Someone out there listening and ask for help. You never know what might happen! One place that is designed for people to ask questions is an Alpha course. Such courses are being held all over Colorado Springs, with one that has only just begun at the Weber Street Center downtown. (Call 488-2218 for more information.) These courses provide an open, casual small-group setting where questions of all kinds are welcome. Individuals have dinner together, watch a video, then spend about an hour discussing their thoughts, questions, disagreements and whatever else they want to talk about. Discussion is lively and thought provoking. There are lots of other ways to dig into your spirituality and belief systems. Find a way you are comfortable with and embark on your own journey. What if you did? Issue 173 - 2/21/05
WE ARE KILLING OURSELVES! Eighty percent of us are dying or will die from one of the seven deadly diseases: heart disease, cancer, stroke, diabetes, arthritis, osteoporosis and Alzheimer’s. The National Cancer institute says “One American in every three living today will get cancer, and one in four will die from it.” The good new is that, according to world famous nutritionist, Dr, Michael Colgan, all seven of these deadly diseases can be reversed, delayed, or even avoided altogether with proper nutrition. So what’s the problem? If these horrible forms of disease and death are largely avoidable, why are eighty percent of us going to succumb to them sooner or later? The issue is an enormous one, too complex to cover completely in a few paragraphs, but I would like to address some of the key issues. First, let’s talk about the things we put into our bodies. The USDA conducted a survey of 22,000 individuals, and not one of them received all of the 10 most important vitamins and minerals on a daily basis, and only 3% of the population even ate balanced meals. Other studies have shown that the average American consumes 160 pounds of sugar every year. Imagine the consequences, when even one candy bar will reduce our body’s ability to fight infection by 50% for at least five hours. I have struggled with sugar addiction all my life. When I was a little girl I used to eat spoonfuls of sugar right out of the sugar bowl. As an adult I would hide candy bars all over the house to feed my sugar-drug habit. Eventually I learned to view certain foods as drugs and abstain from them as much as possible. But the consequences of my earlier behaviors have left me with a pre-diabetic condition that means I will have to eat a low-carb diet for the rest of my life. Each of us has used sugar as a drug at one time or another, and bears the resultant scars in the form of weakened immune systems. Clearly, our food intake has contributed to our compromised health. But there are other factors as well. One of these factors is what is generally referred to as our health care system. This is a misnomer, because for most of us, health care does not mean caring for our health, but addressing the areas in which our bodies are failing us - illness and disease. Because of the high cost of medical care we ignore the early danger signs. Pain is a warning signal our bodies use to bring a problem to the attention of our conscious mind. We use pain killers like Aspirin, Tylenol, Advil or Vicodin to silence the uncomfortable messages and ignore the root cause of the problem. Eventually the breakdown is so great that it must be addressed by more drastic measures like surgery.A woman I spoke to recently said that she was spending $800 a month out of her own pocket on medications. That is two car payments! Most individuals don’t realize that if they don’t pay for health, they will eventually pay anyway, but for their illness instead. Unfortunately, even the vitamins we take do not solve the problem because they do not adequately break down in our bodies. In Tacoma, Washington, for example, 250,000 pounds of undigested vitamin and mineral pills are pulled out of the sewers every six weeks, and you can sometimes still read the label on the pills. Obviously, vitamins are not the solution to our healthcare dilemma. What can we do that will really work? We can improve our diets by eating more fresh, whole foods and eating less refined carbohydrates. I am also a firm believer in the value of quality supplements. Look for those that are whole foods rather than vitamin-lab cocktails, are in liquid, not re-constituted form, and are based on sea vegetables where the water and soil are continually replenished with the rich mineral waters of glacial run-off. A friend recently commented, “You know, I’m pretty healthy and have never felt the need to supplement my diet with vitamins.” For the next two hours she proceeded to describe to me in detail all her little “health challenges.” It was amazing to me that she could not see that her body was telling her that it was not getting all it needed to maintain optimum health. How about you? What choices are you making to support your body’s health? Only you can take control of your diet and your lifestyle and possibly avoid a long and debilitating disease. Issue 175 - 3/7/05
JUST IMAGINE... Daydreaming. My mother used to call it woolgathering. We take a little trip in our minds to our future, turning over the possibilities and planning grand schemes that will never come to pass. At some point we are called back to reality by some annoying interruption. So we sigh, hang up our thoughts of what might have been, and move on in the dull normalcy of what is. Part of growing up is learning to be practical. We spend our time doing productive things that earn us money or recognition or keep the mechanics of our life running smoothly. Our imaginations are trained to solving problems in our jobs and families. We watch enviously as our little children play-act their dreams, creating imaginary characters and grand roles for themselves. They have not yet learned about competition and failure and glass ceilings. They still believe anything is possible and announce to the world their plans to be movie stars, sports heroes and astronauts, all with the innocent confidence of those whose imaginations have not yet been squelched by the blows of life. We need to revive our imaginations! Who among us is not looking for transformation in some area of their lives? Don’t we all carry secret longings to be much more than the role we now play? Maybe it’s too late to be an astronaut or a movie star, but each of us has things we would like to do or be that, given the opportunity, could still happen in our lifetimes. In my personal transformation coaching practice I have discovered that the role of the imagination is crucial to the process of change. An individual will find it virtually impossible to change without the ability to imagine themselves in their new role. Sometimes the job of the coach is to paint a picture of what could be, thus empowering their students to make the necessary transition. Sometimes the individual builds the imaginary picture himself. What do you want to be? If you had the power to change your life right now, what would it look like? If you were to be a child again, acting out your dreams, what would they be? Is there still something out there you want to be when you grow up? It could be something as simple as wanting to be a person who has a body twenty pounds thinner than the body you currently inhabit. Or it could be that you would like to be someone who no longer has a cigarette permanently attached to her fingers. Would you like to learn a new skill and step into a new role where that skill is a necessity? Is there a career move you long to make but have never had the courage? Close your eyes for a minute. Imagine yourself as a transformed you who is able to be and do all those things you are dreaming about. What are you wearing? What do you see and smell? What does it feel like? Who is with you? How do you act? What kind of choices do you make? Hold that picture in your mind for a few minutes and experience being that person. Memorize that feeling. Is it a good fit? Do you still desire that goal? That’s the beauty of imagination – we can try on various personas to see if they feel right and throw them away if they don’t. If it feels perfect – just like you only better – then hold that image in your mind. Imitate that future you and the way you felt and acted in your imagination. Over time you will become as you imagine yourself to be. Start with the little things. Then, as you experience success, move into the transformations that are more important to you. Try using this technique in your relationships – imagine treating others with the love and grace and respect you would really like to show them but have never believed was possible. Who knows what might happen? You might save your marriage, or your relationship with your child. You might drop some of those grudges you have carried for a long time. And you might even become the wonderful, amazing person you were always meant to be. Just imagine… In a recent column I reported to you that 250,000 pounds of vitamins were being pulled out of the Tacoma, Washington sewers every six weeks. A reader called to verify the information, so I decided to go straight to the Tacoma sewer department to find out. What I discovered was that this is an urban legend that has been around since 1998 and is or has been reported on more than 350 websites! It all began when a chiropractor in California made up the story to sell his nutritional products. He not only implicated Tacoma, but Salt Lake City as well. Tacoma’s lawyers have been working for years to clear up this misconception, so I am sorry that I was one of those who passed it on. I will check my sources more carefully from now on! Issue 177 - 3/21/05
SEA LEVELS Change. It happens whether we like it or not. For some of us, change is uncomfortable and we resist it as long as possible – digging in our heels to hinder the process. For others change is an exhilarating rush that makes life colorful and exciting. If there is one segment of our society that exhibits that love for change more than any other it would have to be the fashion industry. In the rarified air of the avant garde, changes happen so fast that styles are outmoded before they even reach the retail stores. Few of us have the cash or the intensity to live in that dizzying merry-go-round. We pick our fashion level and ride the currents appropriate to that level. We could picture it like an ocean. On the surface, the water is in constant motion, dancing with the action of the wind and temperature changes. Here, the avant garde move from stilettos to moccasins to red lipstick to nude lips to big hair to cropped hair to turned up jeans to lace-trimmed camisoles before we even realize it’s time to put away our winter jacket. The next layer would be the waves. They don’t move as quickly as the surface, but they are still in constant motion. These fashionistas watch for the new items every season that will make their wardrobes look fresh and interesting, but their wardrobes do not change weekly and they actually wear some items for more than one season. We might identify more with the swells. Those are the big waves we can see from an airplane that move in corrugated lines across the vast blue water. Fashion at this level had some consistency from year to year, changing slowly as hemlines rise and fall, shoe shapes and heel heights gradually adjust, and overall silhouettes take several years to show appreciable difference. Below the swells are the ocean currents. Here, fashion moves imperceptibly along as the great mass of culture sweeps individuals along with it. This is fashion for the masses and cares little for style except for the desire to fit in, to look like everyone else. Here are the blue jeans and sweatshirts and tennis shoes. This level feels safe because the wearer can fit in without investing more than the bare minimum of effort and money. Finally, there is the ocean floor. Here, water pools in deep crevices or even moves in counter-currents to the water above. These people do not care what the vast ocean of fashionable culture is doing, but create their own peculiar brand of fashion that can play out as an interesting, colorful character or as simply odd, depending on the artistic sense of the wearer. Given these images, how might we track some of the current fashion trends? Let’s take lipstick, for instance. Colors and textures have recently changed. How might those changes be reflected in each level? Here are some general guidelines: Level 5 – “Surface”: Wear lots of shine and very pale colors. But never mind, really, because by the time you read this it will have changed again. Level 4 – “Waves”: Wear shine, but not so pale. Choose fresh, clear colors with that are both sheer and shiny. You might consider trying a long –lasting formula if you haven’t already. Level 3 – “Swells”: Sheer, natural colors work best. The sheerness of the shades means you might want to deepen your eye makeup to get the right balance. Level 2 – “Currents”: Whatever you wore last year will work just fine, if you even wear lipstick. Level 1 – “Floor”: If lipstick is part of your costume, you probably already have at least five tubes of your favorite color. If not, make sure you use some kind of Chap stick or lip balm on your lips to protect them from the sun and the dry air. Did you find your “sea level?” You can probably pick out your friends as well. Perhaps these illustrations will help you to be more tolerant of your differences as each of us expresses our individuality through our appearance. Issue 180 - 4/11/05
WHAT A PAIN! What do you do when you wake up with a headache? That’s easy – take an aspirin or a Tylenol. In our pleasure oriented culture we avoid pain at all costs. Have you noticed how few current garments have actual waistbands? Everything is engineered for our comfort. But even more than clothing – what about food? Comfort foods reign. We may diet for a while, but eventually our steely resolve runs out and we return to the food that makes us feel comfortable – sugar-fat-carbohydrate concoctions guaranteed to subdue our minds and bodies in an easy chair for a good two hours or more. The less we have to prepare, chew and digest our foods the better we like it. And if we get stomach upset or heartburn as a result, we have a medicine chest full of antacids to disperse the pain. Emotional pain is even worse. We fl ee pain here with drastic consequences. Painful relationship? Find a new friend. Painful marriage? – fi nd a new spouse. Better yet, make it easier to escape by living together with no long-term commitment. Our consumer culture, always ready to oblige, provides myriads of ways to escape emotional pain. We have video games, alcohol and drugs, romance novels, pornography, compulsive work schedules, and an endless stream of movies in which to bury ourselves. Most of the time we are not even aware we are escaping – we feel the familiar sour note on our heartstrings and we instinctively hit the escape button, running to whatever escape of choice is most compelling or convenient. Now that I have thoroughly offended most people, I had better get to my point. Pain is a signal, a signpost that something is wrong, that something in our lives is not as it should be and needs correction. If we heed the message and make the correction instead of running from the pain feeling we will experience incredible transformation in our lives. Let’s take something simple as a for-instance. Let’s say we are wearing a favorite pair of pants. Sometime during the day we notice that the waist feels uncomfortable. That evening we take those slacks and throw them into the give-away basket because we never want to feel like that again. What if, instead of tossing the offending garment, we heeded the message of pain? What if we recognized that the pants were too tight because our waistline had expanded, then used that new knowledge to change our eating habits to loose weight, instead of blaming the offending waistband? One of my daughters came home from school today with an attitude problem. She made all kinds of cruel remarks to her sister who naturally dragged out the heavy artillery and fired back. They were both feeling pain. I was feeling pain! My fi rst instinct was to hit the escape button – head for the refrigerator and fi nd a substance adequate for general mind numbing. I was able to avoid that diversion. My second reasonable option was to yell at my daughter so she was repaid in kind for the pain she had passed to me. For once I avoided that option as well! I called her over for a rational conversation and looked into her eyes. There it was. Pain. Something was hurting her and she was coping in the only way she knew how – hurts seem to be more tolerable when everyone else hurts too. Now seemed as good a time as any to practice what I was writing about. If we were both experiencing pain, the pain must be signaling us that action was needed. I asked her about one of her relationships and sure enough, I hit the mark. She tearfully explained what was going on, and I comforted her. Funny, how good that hug felt when a few moments before all I felt was anger. If I had hit the escape button, as my instincts compelled me to do, I would have missed the opportunity to be sensitive to my daughter’s situation and comfort her. Her own pain would have continued unabated. Because I stopped and felt the pain and responded to its message I was able to respond in love. Next time you feel that familiar searing pain and fi nd yourself ready to hit the escape button, stop. What is the pain telling you? What new behavior might you use to respond to that message instead of running from it? The results my surprise and refresh you! Issue 184 - 5/9/05
HOW MUCH IS TOO MUCH? Have you seen the big lottery sign along I-25 on the way north out of Colorado Springs? When it gets over two hundred million I become tempted to purchase a ticket and I start imagining what I will do with all that cash when I win. Two hundred million is a lot of money! In my imagination I buy a house… better yet two or three. Then I decorate them with extravagant elegance. I buy designer clothes, exquisite jewelry, exotic vacations, gifts for people I love and all those wonderful hi-tech toys that suddenly seem absolutely necessary. I set up an investment account that will pay me dividends for the rest of my life, and I give away a substantial portion of the winnings. In only a few minutes my imagination has spend the entire sum! A couple of years ago we got a phone call that we had won a drawing that we had entered at a home show. Our grand prize was two hundred and fifty thousand dollars! I got off the phone, stunned. The unimaginable had happened! This time we were the lucky ones! Todd and I thought through how we would best use the money. We found it was not nearly enough for all the things we wanted to do, and tried to fi gure out how to scrimp and save to make the cash go as far as possible. Within a couple of days we found out the phone call was part of a scam and there was no prize money at all. There is nothing like anticipating a windfall that doesn’t come to make us feel poor! It is no secret that money that comes quickly leaves just as easily as it comes. Urban folklore is full of stories of gambling or lottery winners whose lives are ruined because they don’t know how to make good choices with newfound unlimited cash. It is the kind of abundance we saw this January when arid southern California got 55 inches of rain in just 16 days. There was just too much water! If had come slowly and soaked into the ground it would have been a blessing, but instead it swept over the land in a rush, taking at least ten lives in the mudslides it precipitated. On the other hand, there are people who believe it is a blessing to be poor. Most of them are not poor themselves, you may have noticed. Struggling to come up with the money to buy food, clothing and shelter, where survival consumes our time and energy – is not the pure, unadulterated life some would have us believe. Where is the balance? What can we reasonably shoot for that truly does deliver the “good life” we are all hoping for? I was out walking the other day, and I stopped to notice how the landscape has become a lovely shade of green as the grasses, well-watered by the snow, carpet the fields. The trees and bushes are dotted with little green buds that hint at lush greenery to come. Ponds and lakes are full of water for the first time in several years as they recover from the drought. Deer and foxes are regulars in my garden, while the air is filled with all sorts of birds. It is a far cry from the dusty, barren landscape I saw a couple of years ago when the drought was at its peak. Suddenly it struck me! This is the balance I had been searching for. “Enough” is the amount that we need to support full, exuberant life. Too much, just like too much rain, washes away all the good stuff and leaves us worse off than if we had gotten nothing at all. Not enough, and we are pinched and stressed, suffering from financial drought that bears a strong resemblance to the drought of the summer of 2002. As I inventory my own life I see two healthy, beautiful, talented daughters, a wonderful husband and meaningful roles in my career, my church and my social life. I see a refrigerator that never lacks for food and closets bulging with beautiful clothes. I have many precious relationships with friends and family Countless blessings grace my everyday existence. And I realize that all this is better than winning the lottery, for it is the real thing, real abundance. Sometimes when we are looking for transformation we look to outside sources to make it happen. If we could just win the lottery… if we could just have that new house or that new car… if we could just have a little more than we have right no – then, finally, we would be happy. Perhaps we need to stop and take inventory of where we are right now. Maybe we have already won. Maybe what we are living in right now is the real windfall. Take your own inventory and see if you agree with me! Issue 186 - 5/23/05
CAN YOU READ THE MESSAGE IN PATTERNS OF DESIGN? The world that surrounds us in all the mundane aspects of life is fi lled with messages that we respond to on a subliminal level. We, ourselves, are part of that subliminal interplay, sending out messages of our own of which we may be only dimly aware. We understand more about life from the silent messaging than we do from all our verbal communications. To illustrate my point, let me take you on a little journey. Usually I use photographs when I explain this point, but today I want you to paint your own picture from my description. Before you lies a vast body of water painted in surreal aquas, deep blues, and shadowy navies, touched here and there with fl ashes of pale gold as the water catches the light and tosses it playfully from one wave to the next. The horizon line is smooth, interrupted only by the occasional rise of a great, rolling breaker as it briefly rises above the horizon, then sinks softly into the shadowy depths. The water rolls towards you across the sand in undulating patterns of cool white foam as it gently teases your toes. The sky glows with the golden rays of a late afternoon sun played on the soft blue backdrop of a sky that has surrendered to the suns rays. What do you experience from this picture? What emotions did you feel? While there is a great deal of identification with past experiences that contribute to those emotions, there are subliminal messages going on that came into play even the first time you experienced such a scene. Let me decode some of those messages for you. The horizontal line of the water conveys a sense of peace and rest. The fl ashes of reflected light communicate delight. The combination of the warm golds from the sun and the cool blues from the water make it feel like a friendly, inviting place. The undulating play of waves across the sand awakens our sensuous nature. Let’s try it again with a vastly different image. This time the scene consists of layers of dark shadows – all the blackest versions of pine green, navy, and black-brown shaded into jet black. In the twilight it is hard to make out distinct shapes, but there is in the air the weighty presence of an enormous mass. Suddenly, there is a fl ash of lightening! In the hard white light we are startled by the vision of the mountain jutting into the sky before us. It’s acute angles pierce the sky itself, and the looming cliffs are a menacing form. The low growl of thunder rumbles through the canyons as it pursues the lightning’s path. The emotions we experience from this picture stand in stark contrast to the peace of the first scene. It may be that there even lingers in your body the chemical charge of adrenaline, preparing the body for danger. Let’s decode this one. The dim light creates a sense of mystery, of a slightly menacing unknown. The hard white light creates sharp areas of light contrasting with the black shadows, conveying great drama. The size of the mountain feels important and powerful, while its sharp angles speak of danger and excitement. The tall, straight lines of the cliff convey seriousness to the scene. The loud, deep thunder accentuates the power and menace of the mountain. All this may be interesting to a director setting the scene for a film, but what meaning is there for us? Subtle versions of these powerful messages are the colorful context within which we live. Modern life removes us from the immediacy of nature, so our experience of subliminal communication becomes focused on objects created by or focused on people. We experience architecture and the mood it creates. Imagine the interior of a great cathedral, soaring and mysterious as the dim colored light from the stained glass windows falls in abstract patterns across the rich wood and carpet. Imagine again the stark lines of a contemporary office building, partitioned into multiple identical cubicles occupied by the hard, cold lines of office furniture. Each image carries with it its own package of emotions and expectations as we enter the respective environments. I find it interesting that, while we are all fairly adept at reading these messages, and even conscious of them at some level, we are almost completely unaware of the visual messages of human beings. Many studies have shown the impact of non-verbal behavior, but little has been written of the basic messages written into our features and physical structure. There was a pseudo-scientific study called physiognomy, popular in the nineteenth century that studied the correlation between physical characteristics and personality traits. It was debunked, however, because they attempted to use it to identify the criminal mind. Personality traits are morally neutral; therefore any attempt to connect them to moral judgment is doomed to failure. We read each other constantly. When we first meet an individual we have already gathered enough data on the subliminal level in the first thirty seconds to know how to interact with them and even in which areas we might be able to trust them. Not all of our perceptions are correct, but society functions as well as it does only because of our amazing level of accuracy. An individual with refined, perfectly balanced features is usually counted on to handle leadership and manage details with precision. Another person with a full, round face and sparkling eyes automatically steps into the entertainer role. Someone with soft skin, hair and eyes and rounded features is entrusted with the care of vulnerable children. What message do you convey? How does it affect your life and your work? What do others expect of you? Perceptive friends might be able to help you figure out some of the messages. If you want to investigate further and learn how to use them effectively, you may want to consult a trained image professional. |
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