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Issue 584 - 1/7/13
THE CHILLING TRUTH Now that the turn of the New Year has officially arrived, we can officially stop talking about it. This new column is, if for nothing else, here to give you a swift reminder of the weeks most ignored - yet relevant - information. Whether it be on the local level or global scale, there’s something you should be reading about, but aren’t. So even though the media-types of the world have force fed you their lists and reviews of 2012, as well as their irrational predictions of upcoming 2013, I will feed you no such foolery. Instead, let’s talk about the most obvious and overlooked matter of the week; it’s been cold outside. The cold doesn’t just have me feed fireplace a healthy twelve times per day, but it also causes some nasty road conditions. If you live in the right (or maybe wrong) neighborhoods, you could be dealing with some questionable driving situations every day you leave the house. Take it from an avid driver of the Woodmoor/Arrowood/Bent Tree area; it’s getting sketchy out there. Last week, my car not only ended up on the wrong side of what can only be described as a tree ambush, but I then became a victim myself while making my escape. Yes, just after crawling out of the passenger door of my half-destroyed vehicle, I proceeded to make like the SUV and slip on the ice. Insult to injury? Indeed. At that moment, just before banging the snow off my rear end, I realized that out of nowhere winter was here; and she’s not messing around. Not only will the cold conquer us all if we give it the chance, but it will take our possessions too. It will raise our gas bills. It will force us to buy better jackets and shoes. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not totally neglecting the value of this season. After all, many of us live in these mountains for this time of year specifically. Active skiers and snowboarders wait all year for the snow to start falling. We also have the breath taking images of frozen aspens and soft white fields right in our backyard. The winter season can be a beautiful time of year for Coloradans. There is no denying that. However, there is also no getting around the fact that icy roads are both dangerous and inconvenient. And while my own personal struggles become rather hilarious in hindsight, I’m sure no one will be laughing as they’re calling the tow truck. What I propose is very plain actually. I simply ask for awareness. Know your limits and know your vehicle. Change your tires; get those nice snow ready ones. Pull out the chains. Downshift instead of brake while going downhill (in reality, this entire article has been written to emphasize this singular point). Take wide turns. Downshift instead of brake while going downhill. Scrape and defrost your windows before you drive. Downshift instead of brake while going downhill. All of this valuable advice is coming to you from a guy who slid his car into a tree on the side of the road less than 200-yards from his house. But hey, hindsight’s 20/20 right? My point is only that of a typical icy-road-victim, which is – drive safe out there folks. Issue 585 - 1/14/13
DON’T “CELL” YOURSELF SHORT Every Nick-Snips is a fact-based article. It is happening or has happened somewhere, but is being vastly underreported. Only here, at Snippetz, will the truth finally be revealed… Imagine you’re twenty-seven years old. It’s more difficult for some of us than others. For those far past this landmark, it will be difficult to put yourself in the shoes of a twenty-something in today’s day and age. You’re more prone to imagine being twenty-seven years old in the decade that you actually were. If you are far younger than twenty-seven (say, eleven) then it’s both unlikely and commendable that you are reading this article; kudos, child. One could argue that today, a twenty-seven year old is in his prime years. To make this proposition more evident, I’ll tell you that the following young man lives in New York City. So when imagining yourself in the shoes of this individual, you may find your brain conjuring up images of fresh thinking, the internet, seduction, and basic tool kits. In this instance, the case of one Nadav Nirenberg, you would be exactly right. Nadav, the twenty-seven year old in question, started his New Year like any one else, I imagine – expecting things to get better. Unfortunately, as they say, the night is darkest just before the dawn. Our young hero started off 2013 on the wrong foot when he left his phone in a cab on New Years Eve. After nearly a week without the cell, most young men would just muster up the cash for a new phone - Not this guy. Nirenberg had recently downloaded a dating app for his smart-phone. By accessing the account via internet, he noticed that someone had been contacting several females over the app. That’s when Nadav became a genius, if only for a moment. By using a Google Image of an attractive young woman, Nirenberg created a fake profile on the dating website. He then contacted his real/cell phone holder’s account saying he wanted to “meet up”. The culprit quickly replied, accepting the enticing offer and giving Nadav his address. The next day, he traveled to the address of the phone thief carrying only $20 and a hammer (just in case). He told the perpetrator to give him back his phone in exchange for the $20 bill. The man obliged and soon after, disappeared (not literally, but how cool would that be?) On the surface, one might call this a brilliantly executed plan by the young man. It was nice, sure, but why did he give the man $20? This is maddening! Wasn’t the entire point of this venture to avoid paying for another phone? Didn’t you bring a hammer to avoid shenanigans? If you’re not in a blue collar industry (and a career description of Jazz Trombonist highly indicates you are, indeed, not) then there is really only one good use for hammers; to intimidate the “perp”. Why even delve into Hammer-bringing behavior if you intend to bargain with the guy? Not to mention this man possible gave you a lifetime ‘creeper-status’ on your new dating site. You’re only twenty-seven man, and you’re name is really hard to pronounce. You’re in no position to get that label. Despite that, it was an entertaining and valiant effort by Nadav (albeit, an effort tainted by personal fraud). Nirenberg got his phone back with no damage done. He does not plan to press charges. Issue 586 - 1/21/13
EXCITEMENT, ANGER, CONFUSION It’s been over a week since the Denver Broncos history-making loss to the Baltimore Ravens. In that time, we’ve heard all the pundits weigh in on what went wrong with the team. What we haven’t heard about is the real story. The story of a community, who cheered, got confident and finally lost in heartbreaking fashion; oh, the consequences of being a fan… My father is a long-time Broncos fan. He’d watched Elway back when John “couldn’t win the big one”. He was there when number 7 finally got the monkey off his back… twice. He was there for (gulp) Brian Griese. He watched as the Broncos made a Super Bowl push in 2005 with Jake “The Beard” Plumber (Denver fans always like to forget about this season for some reason). Last year he got to enjoy the improbable and downright offensive run of the Tim Tebow era. He was there for all of it. Then suddenly, this year was different. Peyton Manning, the 4-time MVP, was at the anchor. He was a legend; an all-time great. He might even be better than Elway (gasp). As the season progressed, the Manning-led Broncos exceeded expectations. Their unprecedented 11-game win streak set up the perfect storm. The Broncos had home field advantage. An epic Manning vs. Brady rematch loomed ahead for the AFC Championship game. Baltimore, the team Denver had just beaten weeks ago by a 17-point advantage, was up next. The aging Ravens had escaped an overrated Indianapolis team a week earlier. Their team was limping into the game to be led by a quarterback in Joe Flacco who just never seemed to make “the leap”. Then, out of nowhere, when everyone had their heads turned – Flacco lunged. Going into the game that day, my Dad was confident. He should’ve been, sure. Unfortunately, that’s not how sports work. There were the 2007 Giants to consider. There was the year the Arizona Cardinals, of all teams, made a run. There’s always the big playoff upset. But he, along with thousands of other Broncos fans wouldn’t have it. This was their year. This was their guy – Manning, arguably the greatest of all time. Then, like a swift punch in the gut, Flacco made that 70-yard throw. Rahim Moore stormed through gates of infamy, Manning played sloppy, John Fox called to kneel the ball, and Matt Bryant kicked the 49-yarder in double overtime to seal the win for Baltimore. It all happened so fast. I was in a room full of Bronco’s fans. All morning the room was filled with screams of excitement, terror, confusion, anger, joy, and amusement. But now, it was silent. Not a word. From anyone. My dad couldn’t believe it. Soon after the blame game would start. “John Fox is an idiot!” he’d say. “Who’s that safety, what was he doing!?” they’d ask. But there was no one to answer. That’s the thing about sports. When we watch our favorite teams lose, it feels like we lose. It’s personal. It’s the trash talking, the side bets, the mutual friends you make. You cheer together or against each other. The fans lost that day. And as speculation runs rapid about a Super Bowl that nearly every Denver Broncos fan felt they were destined to participate in, there’s no shaking that feeling of pain. This week, I’d like to acknowledge the fans. Every Broncos fan who thought it was their time. I know, it hurts. But as fair-weather folks like to say – there’s always next year. Issue 587 - 1/28/13
A GAME OF INCHES This week, we enter the most unique month of the entire calendar year – February. Why, you ask, is this month so special? There are several things, such as that annual spectacle, the Super Bowl, we’ll all be watching. There’s Valentine’s Day and Groundhogs day too. But really, the most special attribute of this month over the last two years has been sandwiches. Yes, delicious lunch fare. You see, over the last two years, super-chain restaurant Subway has offered us ANY Footlong sub of our choosing for just $5! They call it Febru-Any $5 Dollar Footlong (I know, not the cleverest of taglines, but still). The chain is expected to offer this promotion again, giving fast-food opportunists a chance to dine in style, if only for 28 days. But before we anoint the entire month of February a time of sandwich eating, we should investigate their claims. Yeah, that’s right; you may have been lied to. Luckily I am here, looking out for the folks. Nick-Snips is here to unveil the ugly truth of American Capitalism gone awry… This week I present to you the humble reader, a singular, eye-opening fact – not all $5 Footlongs measure at 12-inches. In fact, two proud American citizens by the names of John Farley and Charles Pendrak have investigated these claims and taken the necessary legal action. After submitting photo’s showing each sub next to a ruler, both men found their subs only measured 11-inches. Luckily, in a nation of priorities, these gentlemen were able to make a stand. Citing “false, deceptive” and “misleading affirmative statements of fact” the two men officially sued Subway to regain losses of 5 to 8.3 percent of the countless “Footlong” sandwiches they purchased from the store. The percentages weigh to about $.41-$.54 per sub (depending on if it were a $5 or $6.50 sub). Of course, these folks are asking for triple damages (bringing totals to $1.23-$1.62). On top of that, they lawsuit is seeking class-action status for anyone who bought a sandwich from January 22, 2007 to the present time (Only in the area where the official lawsuit was claimed, unfortunately) Forced to respond to the claims, Subway spokesperson Les Winograd apologized, saying “We regret any instance where we did not fully deliver on our promise to our customers... We freshly bake our bread throughout the day in our more than 38,000 restaurants in 100 countries worldwide, and we have redoubled our efforts to ensure consistency and correct length in every sandwich we serve”. Seems reasonable enough, right? However, take into consideration that Stephen DeNittis, the lawyer for the plaintiffs, says that his firm had measured sandwiches from 14 different Subway locations and each “Footlong” fell short. Employees of Subway restaurants make the argument that customers are still receiving the same amount of dough as a 12-inch sub, but that the dough had just not properly been tugged, pulled, and proofed before served. DeNittis shrugs this off, suggesting “if they were selling by net weight, that would be a good argument”. He also adds that his firm will “be investigating to find out if Subway intentionally made sandwiches smaller to profit unfairly off consumer deception”. I guess we’ll have to wait to find out. Until then, I still recommend taking advantage of Subway’s “Febru-Any” deal. Just don’t expect their slightly exaggerated claims that you’ll be receiving a “Footlong” sandwich for just $5; if only such great portions of food were available for so cheap in America - It’s a shame, really. Issue 588 - 2/4/13
WHAT’S IN A NAME? Every week, I continue to ramble about nonsense that you can’t read about anywhere else. Why can’t you read about it elsewhere? Well, there are two possible reasons. The first is that most newspapers and networks focus on negative stories and ignore the real interesting pieces (like the ones I humbly provide weekly). The second is that no other person would possibly waste their time on such nonsense. For the sake of this article – let’s call it the first. This week, I’m going to tell you something you probably already know - Iceland is very different from America; and several other western civilizations. In our gracious land, children and adults alike have totally bizarre names. Celebrity’s children are the best examples of such wacky names. Names like Kal-El (Son of Nicholas Cage), Pilot Inspektor (Son of Jason Lee), Apple (Daughter of Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow), or Dweezil, Ahmit, Moon, and Diva (The four children of Frank Zappa) are all great examples. While we may laugh and even cringe at some of these unique names, we also accept them. Whatever the name is, we acknowledge it. We call them by it. We get over it. Apparently, in Iceland, it doesn’t work like that. A teen girl recently overcame the struggle of an abnormal name by storming through the legal system. Icelandic teen Blaer Bjarkardottir wasn’t allowed to go by “Blaer for the first 15-years of her life. Why? Simple because the Icelandic Naming Committee had officially ruled Blaer a man’s name. Because of this, they reassigned the young lady to be called Girl; a simple name, sure, but not exactly flattering. While “Girl” serves well as a girl’s name, it doesn’t have a lot of personality. I mean, there are several men named Guy, but Girl doesn’t quite roll off the tongue as well. The reasoning for these abnormal laws, I believe, is so that they can protect children from having names that could possibly prevent them from being treated equally in society. America has some similar laws, in fact. Of course they’re not nearly as strict, but our nation does ban naming a newborn a number or symbol. A quote from the Icelandic court states that names must be, “adaptable to the structure of the Icelandic language and spelling conventions” as well as, “not cause the bearer embarrassment” They add, “Girls should be given a female name, and boys should be given male names”. Even so, Blaer– I mean, Girl, decided to fight the system. Her mother brought the case before the Icelandic courts, citing that “Blaer” was a perfectly acceptable Icelandic female name, and that her daughter should not be forced to be called Girl; which is actually a more humiliating title. Also, it was noted that the name Blaer was used for a female in a novel by Icelandic Nobel Prize-winning author Halldor Laxness. The case was brought to the court in the city of Reykjavik. Late last week, they ruled that Girl be allowed to legally use her real name, Blaer. The teen seemed thrilled saying she was, “very happy”, and that she would, “Finally… have the name Blaer on my passport”. Thus concludes this week’s ridiculous, yet underreported story. I’d like to give a shout-out to Blaer; you go girl! (pun, intended). It should be noted, in Icelandic the name Blaer translates to “Breeze”. Issue 589 - 2/11/13
A CULTURE OF OFFENSE Each day, it becomes more apparent that our culture is changing. Some of the changes are collectively considered positive or negative; then there are the controversial issues. This article will focus on the latter. It can be risky-business talking about a lot of issues our society faces in the 21st century. Luckily, I can keep it in line and out of the box. Last week, a mildly reported story jumped out at me and begged me to write about it (not actually, because stories can’t talk). It’s about a college, or rather, a fraternity. We all have our ideas of what happens at a frat house. Of course, movies may exaggerate the lifestyle of the fraternity boys; they are full-time students after all. Nonetheless, things can get pretty wild at these places; they can get offensive too. Last week at Duke University, fraternity chapter Kappa Sigma threw an Asian themed party called, “Asia Prime”. The invitations sent out used racial stereotypes (typing things like “Herro” instead of “Hello”). Due to backlash from the original invitation, the fraternity changed the official name of the party to “International Relations” claiming it was a celebration of all races and cultures. That’s when the trouble began. After the party, the frat boys posted images of the event that portrayed several college students dressed in Geisha outfits, with more stereotype-language printed over the images. In response, the ASA (Asian Students Association) and their senior president Ting-Ting Zhou organized a protest on the Duke Campus late last week. In response, the National Kappa Sigma Fraternity has officially suspended the Duke chapter for two weeks to conduct an investigation. After the suspension period, the National Fraternity will make a decision on the Chapter. When asked about the incident, Duke’s Vice President of Student Affairs, Larry Moneta, said that the Kappa Sigma’s didn’t actually break any University Rules. He mentions that there is, “A persistent battle against ignorance that students arrive with; that students develop,” but it appears the University will not take action. The question is - what do you think? Has our culture become too easily offended, or simply more aware of those who are offended? On one hand, Asian stereotypes were exploited, and poked at from mostly non-Asian students. The jokes and slurs were exposed to the public over the internet and around campus. On the other hand, this is a college party. Party planning around certain cultures is not uncommon. Several fraternities hold Mexican themed parties (where students wear ponchos and sombreros) and, of course, the legendary Toga Parties (which play on the Roman era). Should college students be restricted to what parties they can throw and what their invitations can say? Or do we take the free speech angle; that a fraternity is just having fun and they can throw any themed party they want? YOU decide. Issue 590 - 2/18/13
MAIL EDITION (A continuation of last weeks “Culture of Offense” column) The trouble with mail is that you never get what you really want. For example, check your mailbox at home today. Some of you will receive packages and checks you’ve been waiting for, sure. But what you really crave is an unexpected gem. Imagine receiving a 2 million dollar check from Donald Trump in your mail this week. That would both shock and excite you to a level you can’t even realistically comprehend. But it’s mail. It won’t happen. In reality, you’ll receive some bills, maybe a letter or two, and a bunch of junk. Thus was the story of my e-mail account this week. Don’t worry; the letters were your emails, the junk was spam. It’s not meant to insult those who wrote me, it’s simply meant to prove a point; one I’ll demonstrate in the first ever Mail Edition of Nick Snips. The following are actual emails from actual people: Nick, here’s a question for you. Who care’s what is happening at Duke University? We need more local news and less garbage like what is on television every night. -Anonymous Even though I clearly made a rule stating you must print your name and town at the bottom of your email, every single responder failed to do so. My response to this - There’s a world out there people, let’s make sure our community is active in it. I think there is a fine line to walk when it comes to race. The fraternity didn’t respect the Asian Community, and the ASA took a stand. I think both sides of the issue make valid points. -Monument Citizen Indeed. But, I don’t think this email was detailed enough. Let me use my final reader response to further explain what “Monument Citizen” was trying to say. People have the right in this country to say what they want; likewise, people have the right to take offense to things that are said. The important part of this equation is that the latter never trumps the former. Asking “has our culture become too easily offended, or simply more aware...?” is a question not worth asking. What we need to make sure of is that no one’s first amendment rights were violated. This story actually happens every year, and every year another group is offended and demands that the universities take action against these young men/women. Really, it is the universities who should be promoting the freedom of speech and thought, even if it seems to be in poor taste. Thankfully, Duke recognized that these students didn’t technically do anything wrong, and will not prosecute them for making a few silly signs and costumes. I can, however, think of a few instances where the universities have taken action against their student in similar situations. The National Kappa Sigma Fraternity, similarly, has every right to reprimand their members because they feel that these boys have not lived up to the standards of the fraternity. The university acted appropriately, the fraternity acted appropriately, and the equation (at least in this instance) remains balanced. -Ryan Ryan and “Monument Citizen” are correct. No one is really in the wrong here. Everyone did there part fairly. They did what they have the right to do. They did what we’d expect them to do. But here’s the problem (and the point). No one answered my questions. They just gave their opinions on the subject at hand. While they were correct, they also ignored the issues; the ones that make us quiver. Is our society too easily offended? Have we as a nation become a plaster of canvas covered in lawyer-paint and fine print? We’ll never know. Because even though some of us (clears throat) dare to ask these questions, no one dares to answer them… myself included. Issue 591 - 2/25/13
THE CASE FOR PLUTO In August of 2006, our nation, world, and universe suffered a great loss. Scientists determined and debated. After a while they decided Pluto was no longer good enough to be called a “planet” anymore. Suddenly, our solar system was decimated, now containing only 8 planets. What kind of system is that? How will the other solar systems ever take us seriously? Hold that thought. Scientists and space explorers made an exciting discovery this week, finding the smallest planet yet outside of our solar system. Finding planets outside of our system has only been possible in the last two decades or so. Few planets have been discovered, but scientists learn more and more about our fascinating outer realm, space, each and every time. This new planet’s mass is similar to that of our moon. It’s currently named Kepler-37B. The tiny rock surfaced rotating sphere is far too close to its sun to contain any life as we know it. Nonetheless, Berkeley Astronomer Geoff Marcy calls the discovery, “absolutely mind-boggling”. He claims “The new discovery raises the specter that the universe is jam packed, like jellybeans, with planets even smaller than Earth”. The new planet was discovered by Kepler, which simultaneously tracks about 150,000 stars at once, seeking slight dips in brightness. Seeing a dip is a strong sign of a planets existence. The experts claim that Kepler-37B orbits a star roughly 210 light years away from itself. They classify the star it orbits within the constellation we know as Lyra. It is, as of now, one of only three planets in that solar system. None of this is exactly groundbreaking; I mean, we haven’t found any walking talking, green-heads yet (you think “Green-Head” will be a racial term for aliens 500 years from now?). It does give scientists hope, though, that they’re closer than ever to finding an “Earth-like” planet. It’s a space explorers dream to discover new planets. Telescope nerds everywhere are rejoicing. Maybe NASA wants in on this too? The point I’m making here is that there’s been a simply amazing scientific discovery within the last couple of days. You may have heard of it beneath all the violence and scandal you get shoved down your throat daily. What you haven’t heard is the TRUTH; which is that if Kepler-37B qualifies as a planet to all of our “scientists”, then why the heck doesn’t Pluto? Many years ago it was determined that Pluto was too small to be a planet. Also factored in was the fact that it was surrounded by other tiny meteor-type objects. Instead of calling these objects moons they called the cluster, including Pluto, the “Kuiper Belt”. But now we find a teeny-tiny rock outside of the galaxy, barely bigger than Pluto, and call it a planet? Where does the madness end!? I say the movement starts now, here, in Colorado. We want Pluto back. We want 9 planets, like a real solar system. We want justice, dang it. The case for Pluto is officially open again - good luck denying the public its desires after this gaffe, science. Issue 592 - 3/4/13
THE MEN WHO STARE AT GOATS While the following topic could hardly be considered “news,” it is the most fascinating thing to happen to America so far in 2013. Throughout the solemn month of February (let’s be honest, the month pretty much takes a nosedive once the Super Bowl ends) a video demanded our nations attention - then it captured our hearts. First, let’s investigate the subject at hand: goats. The animal that (in my opinion) most resembles the mythical and lovable Unicorn has many unique characteristics. As of now, these unique traits have not won over mankind. There are quirky elements about goats, such as their appetite for things like tin cans and cardboard boxes. While we don’t see goats as often as deer or squirrels, they are an active part of Colorado wildlife. Many people hold goats on their farm or ranch. They’re a surprisingly lovable animal, who never really made a convincing household pet for whatever reason. However, that may change in the near future. The goat has recently shot up in popularity all across America. Kids and teens are enamored with the small horse-like creature due to a recent discovery. The new development is both charming and creepy; and it’s all due to a Youtube video… Here’s something a lot of people didn’t know before the internet recently informed them: Goats have the innate ability to yell like humans. Yes, you heard me right. A new Youtube video which had taken the world by storm in the month of February proves that goats have the most human-like vocal chords in the animal kingdom. The video, which has climbed its way up to just under 10-million views in three short weeks, is making waves. I’m telling you folks, these goats actually sound like human beings screaming; it’s truly fascinating. I encourage anyone with the internet (so, pretty much everyone) to visit Youtube.com. Go to the search tab and type “G-O-A” and then “Goats Screaming Like Humans” will immediately pop up into the suggested search line. Watch the 2-minute video and see it for yourself. There’s even an adorable goat at the end who says “yeah” in a dopy-person type of way. It’s amusing, adorable, and uncanny. It brings goats up to a whole other level. It’s as if only dogs and cats rank higher at this point. So what does this mean for YOU? Well, there is a high probability it means little to nothing. It will mean zilch to those who don’t watch the video (but really, why would you not?). It will only mean a lot to all of us if goats are picked up as a more common household pet as a result; which is a real possibility. Of course the negatives of this possibility are glaring. Goats can be prone to more violence than cats and dogs. They also have an unattractive tendency to spit on people; another quality they have that humans can relate to. Check out the video. Beware of pet goats and have a safe week everybody; make sure to laugh a little. Issue 593 - 3/11/13
GO FOR THE GOLD Treasure hunting has become something of legend. Entertainment and media have taken advantage of the mythology and intrigue buried treasure provides with things like the Pirates of Caribbean franchise pulling in hundreds of millions of dollars. It’s such a foreign concept to people in this age of the internet and social media; our goldmines consist of electronic documents and plastic credit cards these days. For those who believe that technology has progressed too far; for those who miss the good old days, I bear good news. A man named Forrest Fenn is fed up with our coach-potato-like tendencies. He’s using the ancient art of treasure hunting to change our ways. The 82-year old millionaire extraordinaire has made a unique offer to mankind. Get outside. Hike, fish, run, dig, and seek. If you do it wisely, you will have the opportunity to make a fortune. In an attempt to fix our lazy ways; Mr. Fenn has buried a treasure that he guarantees is worth more than 1 million dollars. His object is to get parents to take their kids outside and be more active. Along the way, Forrest Fenn has provided a couple of clues. A poem he wrote provides guidelines and landmarks to look for. Here’s an excerpt: Begin it where warm waters halt And take it in the canyon down, Not far, but too far to walk. Put in below the home of Brown. From there it’s no place for the meek, The end is ever drawing nigh; There’ll be no paddle up your creek, Just heavy loads and water high. The poem goes on to give instructions on unbury the actual treasure. In interviews, Fenn has claimed that anyone, even a child, would be strong enough to claim the chest that consists of gold and jewels. The most exciting news for us Colorado-native people, however, is that the stash could be right in our back yard. The architect of the hunt, Mr. Fenn himself, lives in New Mexico. He has told the public that the treasure is North of Sante Fe, NM and above 5,000 feet in elevation! Analysts presume the treasure is somewhere (if not in) the state of New Mexico. Southern Colorado is surely on the list of potential burial spots though. Our tale ends with a bittersweet note. Mr. Fenn is currently in remission. Cancer has taken a hold of his body. Because of this however, Forrest is more eager than ever to reveal the location of his chest. He will reveal new clues about the treasure once a month from this point forward. He promises that the gold has yet to be found, also claiming that people have stepped within 500-feet of the much sought-after prize. This gives hope to those who anticipate too difficult of a path ahead. So this week’s message is simple. Get out of bed. Stand up off of that couch. Turn off the television. Tell your kids to stop “gaming” for a moment. Seeing the great outdoors and what Mother Nature provides us with daily is spectacular enough on its own. Now there’s the chance to be a millionaire. Your entire life could change just by going on an adventure. Heck, even if you don’t find the treasure and you continue to live the financial life you were given, you’ll start to feel better. You might even find something more important than the treasure; you may find yourself healthy, fit, and happy. Issue 594 - 3/18/13
THE PARKER PLAN Utah isn’t the most popular state. There’s the lack of a major NFL and MLB team that could contribute. Then there are the religious stereotypes of polygamy that haunt the state, even though it’s a rare sect of people. There’s nothing wrong with Utah, really (they hosted the Olympics after all!). The state seems to get a bad rap though. A recent bit of underreported news made matters even worse. The following story should in no way affect your opinion on citizens of The Beehive State… There’s something polarizing about bank robberies. It’s the classic crime. A quick hit and run. You scurry into the room and intimidate; moments later you could be hundreds of thousands of dollars wealthier. If you hit the right bank, millions could fall in your lap. Of course you take the law for granted and run the risk of spending a long time in prison. This is why Bank Heists must be meticulously planned; there cannot be a blemish in the blueprint. Everything must go exactly as rehearsed. This is what makes the tragic story of Michelle and William Parker so astonishing. It’s as if they didn’t have a plan. Behind on bills and facing an eviction, the Parkers would succumb to desperate measures. The Utah natives decided to rob a bank. The general idea involved a letter to the teller, a get away car, and a bag of money (with the dollar symbol on the outside of it, hopefully). It was a pretty regular heist. This was with one exception. The Parker’s decided to take their kids, aged 5 and 2, along for the ride. A peculiar twist - in an already twisted tale. I mean, I understand how difficult babysitters can be to find when you rob banks for a living, but there had to be at least one bored, broke teenage girl out there; just one adolescent willing to put her morals aside for one night and look after the children of two outlaws. But alas, the Parkers could find no such sitter. Instead, they told their kids to sit on the back seat and wait in the parking lot. Of course the plot went horribly wrong. Michelle and William were caught red handed and arrested outside of the Wells Fargo they targeted. The 27-year old couple now faces new obstacles – how to avoid jail and regain possession of their children. Even worse, they are now leading contenders for the dishonorable world championship of bad parenting. It’s just another one of those stories that makes you wonder why some people even bother reproducing. Clearly they have no knack for parenting. They also lack a wild amount of common sense. There’s a good chance that The Parkers won’t due time and the kids can live at home with Mom and Dad. But is that a good thing? What’s the precedent here? How bad of parenting was this? There is no other indication that The Parkers were poor caretakers. Their kids do not appear to have ever been abused physically. So where do you draw the line? I’m quite sure that Michelle and William are guilty of child neglect. They’ll probably go through a process of parenting classes and social service check-ups over the next several months. That will be in addition to whatever legal punishment they receive for the bank robbery as well. Utahns these days, what gives? Issue 595 - 3/25/13
THE PRICE IS DEFINITELY RIGHT You feel that Colorado? That’s the feeling of the snow melting; the sensation of the sun pouring down on your skin. Spring has begun. It’s officially launch date (March 20th) was a little chilly and we’ve always had to deal with some late-season snow storms, but the season’s turn is upon us. As it starts to get warm, my parents favorite past time begins to take over the warmer weekends. I’m talking, of course, about the delicate art of Garage Sale Shopping. In the next couple of weeks, our neighbors and friends will begin to dig through the storage units, garages, basements, and kid’s rooms, looking for what could be valuable items that they no longer need. They will proceed to throw all of that stuff on their lawn and sell it to the community. It’s a bizarre thing, really. Of course, every once in a while we get lucky. We find just what we need. Sometimes, we find things we weren’t even looking for. Things better than we could have ever imagined. Such was the case with a New York family last week. The family bought a bowl for the small price of $3. Thinking it was just a cute, Asian-themed bowl, the family walked away thinking nothing of the purchase. That was back in 2007. The bowl sat on their mantle for years, before they became curious and had it appraised. To their shock, Sotheby’s appraised the rare piece of bowl-ware anywhere between $200,000-300,000! Of course, they were thrilled with this figure. But then, last Wednesday day, a London Art Dealer named Giusseppe Eskenazi bid 2.2 million dollars for the rare piece, buying it from the enthusiastic new millionaires. At a little less than 5 ½ inches in diameter, the bowl would be completely impractical in modern day society. This is probably because it dates back to the 10th or 11th century. The early era Ding ware is incredibly rare, and known for its small attributes. There is only one other bowl known like it in the entire world. It resides at the British museum, where it has been on display for more than 60 years. There are plenty of stories like this anonymous New York family. We’ve all heard the “one man’s trash is another man’s treasure” sang, but this takes it to a whole other level. These regular Joe’s were Saturday-browsing, and then they became millionaires over night, albeit 6 years later. A bowl, a painting, a chair, a watch – you never know what form your fortune could come in; or how cheap. These people paid just 300 pennies for the prized bowl. So get out there and shop. The weather is warm, the price is right, and the chances are slim. But there is a chance. And isn’t that all we really need? Just one shot at a jackpot. Hundreds of thousands of people buy lottery tickets every week for that chance. You could defy the odds, find your treasure and move on with your life – in a yacht, with personal chefs and a private show from David Bowie! Yes, all of that could be yours if you just look hard enough. Don’t blink, you could miss it. You must inspect every corner of every sale. Every garage dusted piece of furniture. Every Beanie Baby sitting in the driveway. The possibilities are endless. The chance is yours. The time is now. Go get your fortune. But remember to bargain down and never pay full price… Issue 596 - 4/1/13
SPACE FOOLERY This week you’ll be subject to pranks by family members and friends. It’s more like one day actually; that special day in April where we try to fool the masses. There are some classic pranks you can pull – the whoopee cushion, blood in the shower (red food coloring), and messing with people’s food. There’s the option to simply tell a lie. You could also go supernatural with it. Of course this option is hard to sell. For example, telling friends you saw a UFO would be great, but they probably wouldn’t believe you. I mean after all, is there really even such a thing as extraterrestrial life intelligent enough to come to our planet? A-List, award winning actor Russell Crowe seems to think there is. A couple of weeks ago, the Gladiator star was trying to film fruit bats flying over the Sydney Botanic Gardens. To do this, he fixed a camera to film a certain location over night. After checking the tape and viewing the time lapse photos, he found something he didn’t expect. For a brief moment over the Gardens, there appears to be an anomaly. A colorful and bright object in the sky moves across the screen, distorts the camera, beams light to the Earth, and then disappears. Russell Crowe believes this object to be a UFO from outer space. He proceeded to post the video to his twitter, which has over 800,000 followers. That much fame, with so many fans, has led the video to go viral online. It’s also led to a ton of criticism. After viewing the video for myself, it’s obvious where the criticism is coming from. The color looks cheap; the UFO even cheaper. It’s as if somebody with no previous knowledge or experience in graphics decided to create his own spooky Youtube video. Maybe Crowe is just another bored actor trying to get more attention by picking on conspiracy theorists and nut jobs. What doesn’t make sense is why someone with his status would need such attention? Russell Crowe just came off the movie-hit of the holiday season, Les Miserables, showing off his pipes in an unconventional film, career wise, for him. He added another blockbuster hit to his resume, solidifying himself again as a great actor of this generation. What possible motive could he have to be starting UFO theories? On top of that, who are we to question the picture quality of the time lapse? If it really was a UFO, it’s not like any of us have the knowledge of what exactly that would look like. We have no real way of telling whether the image is photo-shopped or authentic. Perhaps Russell Crowe is just a bored stuck up actor. He knew he could get a huge online reaction over his silly video, so he did, just for the heck of it. There is always the option that something strange happened to the tape. The image accidentally burnt into the film and Crowe really did find what was already there; but it wasn’t a UFO, just a technological error. Then there’s the fun/scary possibility. It’s conceivable that it really was a UFO. Our technology is simply ineffective to render the image properly, as the flying object is more advanced than our electronics. The UFO is purposely designed so that our lenses cannot properly pick up its pixels. It’s possible that every time one of these cheesy graphics hits the web, it really is extraterrestrials. But they know we’ll never believe it. So which is it? Is Russell Crowe messing with all of humanity, or are they? Who’s fooling who? Issue 597 - 4/8/13
PIRATE ATTACK! Television is hitting somewhat of a stride over the last 7-8 years. You could look to the immediate past when ABC dominated the ratings with shows like LOST and Desperate Housewives. There’s also the reality TV movement; while it started almost 15 years ago, prominent shows like NBC’s The Voice, and Fox’s X-Factor are taking American Idol’s model, and somehow making it even more popular. Then there’s the brilliant writing and acting on AMC. They have heavyweight shows like Breaking Bad, Mad Men, and the hippest cable hour around in The Walking Dead. All of these shows have dominated Emmy Awards and viewer’s hearts over nearly a decade. Now, another network takes it shot at greatness in the modern television era - the highly regarded HBO. Since The Soprano’s ended (quite miserably, might I add) the pay-to-view network has struggled to regain audience favor like they used to. Recently though, HBO roared back with the surprise hit Game of Thrones. The premier happened just last week. Which brings me to the point of this week’s article. The season premier episode, in just two days, became the most pirated form of media in the history of the Earth. Online pirating is becoming the most common form for teens and twenty-somethings to acquire movies, television, and music. Make no mistake, it is stealing. Unfortunately, many people don’t feel very strongly about it. They site that movie stars and music makers still pull in millions of dollars of income. So what if a couple thousand copies of their latest work are downloaded for free? They still get a check, right? That’s not how it works, actually. Look at it this way, grocery and department stores also continue to employ and pay millions of people across America. Does that make it okay to steal candy bars and shoe’s? Of course it doesn’t. Being twenty-two years old, I happen to know several friends and family members who partake in the pirating frenzy. I do not support them in this. Even downloading music for free is inexcusable. For everyone wondering why there aren’t many Dark Side of the Moon caliber albums being made anymore, the answer is simple. There’s not enough time or money to make them. Pop stars and rock bands are forced to push out albums every year, with singles being made in between the whole time. Record labels know they won’t make money from every person who ends up owning the songs, so they shorten the production time, forcing premature releases from their entire artist roster. The labels have to put new music out at a rapid pace It’s no different with movies. Constantly I hear complaints about how there are no more original ideas in film. Everything is either a remake or a sequel. Is this because all the intelligent and creative people are dead? No, it’s because they have to rush out blockbuster films they know will simply make money. Now I’m not suggesting that Game of Thrones will suddenly become a horrible show because people are stealing its episodes. I’m simply saying be careful what you wish for. If you want free entertainment, eventually, it will look/sound like you got it for free. In other words, you get what you pay for. So the next time your friend rips you an album or let’s you watch a burned DVD of a film that’s still in theaters, think twice before accepting the offer. At the very least, if you enjoy the stolen property, have the decency to purchase it afterwards. Support the art you love. It could be gone before you know it. Issue 598- 4/15/13
IT’S ABOUT TIME Recently, my brother and I were discussing the prospect of time travel. You see, we were having a conversation about writer/producer/director JJ Abrams. He was the brilliant mind behind television hits like Alias, (the greatest show ever made) LOST, and Fringe. He has also made major blockbuster films: Cloverfield, Star Trek, Super 8, etc. When Disney acquired Lucas Films earlier this year, they pinned Abrams as the director of the new trilogy, giving him immense power over the future of the sci-fi genre. Much of Abrams work has to do with Time Travel. He even worked it into his Star Trek film. The way time travel is discussed in JJ’s work is unique. He uses science in a convincing manner; and why not? The intrigue and mystery behind exploring time is unrivaled. It’s the perfect form of fiction – completely out of our grasp, yet so realistic in our ever wondering minds. That was the case anyway, until last week when Iranian scientist Ali Razeghi announced that he had indeed invented a real life Time Machine! The statement is bold, for sure, and comes with warranted skepticism. After all, Ali is not the first scientist to claim he’s created a machine capable of manipulating time. Obscure names like John Titor and Billy Meier come to mind. Both men claim to have come from the future. Of course no predictions of theirs have taken place yet, so it’s unlikely the truth. Then there’s the Moberly-Jourdain Incident; a story of two women in the early 1900’s who experienced a momentary blast to the past on their visit to the Palace of Versailles. They claim to have had a brief visit to the 1700’s, where they were met by Marie Antoinette. They went on to publish a book, An Adventure, in the year 1911 under fake names. A television movie was even made about the incident in 1981. Of course none of these people have actually laid claim to inventing the machine itself. They have only state they have traveled time personally. That’s what makes Mr. Razeghi one of a kind. He isn’t claiming the ability to travel time at all, but rather, make time travel to you. Think of it as somewhat of a time predictor. Ali claims that his machine is capable of showing you what will happen in your future and is 100% accurate. The machine can only reach about 5-8 years in the future. Many religious zealots claim the machine is evil; that Razeghi is trying to “play God”. He rebukes these claims and states that the machine could be a powerful tool in predicting military strategies and settlements in the Middle East. If Razeghi’s machine is operational, it could be a game changer in world politics. Imagine if Iran had a strategic advantage in seeing every move the United States would make, before we made it. It could be catastrophic. But that’s the thing about time, it is unknown if we can change it. Meaning even if Razeghi’s machine could see military and political happenings seven years ahead of time, he would be unable to change them. If the machine is indeed 100% accurate, that would mean the event you see will happen, no matter what. If that is the case, then why waste your time with such a machine? What ever happened, happened; same goes for the future. It should be noted that Ali Razeghi is a credible inventor and scientist. He is the Managing Director of Iran’s Centre for Strategic Inventions and has another 179 inventions to his name. He has not released the prototype publicly for fear that the Chinese could reproduce it to the masses overnight. I’ll leave you with this extra fact to ponder about – Ali Razeghi is only 23 years old. Issue 599- 4/22/13
A TOBACCO TALE Drug smuggling has been a big business for decades. Usually an international affair, smugglers can make a fortune by importing illegal substances into the U.S. Be it from Mexico, Canada, or Japan, drugs get shipped in and out of our country for a profit of billions annually. It’s a huge problem; has been one for a long time. Of course, this isn’t news to you. But what may surprise you is a new form of smuggling in America. It takes place in the states, without crossing international lines. It’s not even an illegal substance. I’m talking about cigarette’s - America’s new multi-million dollar smuggling trend. The best example of the new illegal trade takes place on the East coast. With the rising price of cigarette taxes, renegade thinkers are finding a way to make millions of dollars. It’s simple. Ship cigarette’s from a place like Virginia (with $0.30 tax per pack) to New York (with a staggering $5.85 tax). Then sell them at half price. It may not seem like a huge potential profit, but I assure you it is. Law enforcement officials in the area estimate that a tractor-trailer load of cigarette’s shipped from Virginia to New York can profit the smuggler $1,944,000 once sold! Yes, nearly 2-million dollars. According to the Mackinac Center for Public Policy, 60% of all cigarettes sold in New York were smuggled in from another state in 2011. It’s been 2-years since then. That number has surely risen. Of course this isn’t the only state involved. Idaho sits right beside Washington, for example, and boasts a tax rate difference of -$2.45. Surely there’s millions to be made there. Even in Colorado with the average rate of $0.84 per pack, smugglers could profit greatly by selling cigarette’s in Utah, who charge a tax of nearly a dollar more. The multi-million dollar industry will likely continue to grow. Especially since the trade is so diverse. Everyone from small store owners (filling up their car trunks) to international terrorists (with semi-trucks) are involved. The staggering statistics on smuggling have made some lawmakers wary to raise taxes on tobacco any more. But one must consider stats on the other side of the issue. With new smokers going down by 10% after a $0.62 tax hike in 2009, it bodes well for the anti-smoking crowd. Not to mention nearly 250,000 less deaths per year occur from smoking since the imposed tax. Higher taxes discourage younger people from starting to smoke. That’s a fact. But it doesn’t stop the smugglers, who’s business has been booming at an all-time high. Which is more important? You can decide for yourself. While one could argue that the higher tax is unfair, it is undeniably saving lives; and the cigarette smugglers aren’t really hurting anyone, are they? Then there’s the other side of the issue. Smokers are grown adults (most of the time) and can make their own decisions about what to put in their body. In addition, smugglers are destroying business owners in the high-tax states. It’s not their fault the state taxes are high, and lack of cigarette sales could potentially sink hundreds of small stores across the nation. It’s really impossible to know who’s side to take. We’ll just have to wait. Once the dust settles and the smoke clears, we can begin to see the great scale of humanity tip towards right or wrong. Issue 600 - 4/29/13
IT’S WHAT’S FOR BREAKFAST The birthing process is entirely unique to it’s species. I mean, look at the difference between how a Human and Chicken are born. The entire idea if the egg is totally foreign to us (it’s what’s for breakfast!). Strange to imagine being cooped up in an egg outside in the real world. You would wiggle and grow until you’re finally strong enough to break out of the shell and breath fresh air. That’s how many creatures come to be, though. Even some of the more unique species that have come to be extinct. Take the Elephant Bird for instance. The dinosaur-like creature roamed the Earth until roughly the beginning of the 17th century. It towered to an astonishing 11-feet tall and resembled the Ostrich. The flightless bird was also known to lay eggs that were 100 times larger than an average chicken egg! Wouldn’t that be a sight to see? Well, now it is. Recently, scientists have discovered a party fossilized Elephant Bird egg in Madagascar. It’s diameter measured at 9 inches and was nearly a foot tall. It’s a rare, unique find. So unique in fact, that those who discovered it were overcome by the temptation of selling it. So, at a British auction last week, they did. The egg was valued at around 30,000 pounds (almost $50,000 US Dollars) before the auction went live. Seems like a lot for a round fossil to me. Nevertheless, once the bidding began, the interest in the egg soared. After 10 minutes of competitive bidding, the anonymous winner claimed his new prize with a final bid of 66,675 pounds. That’s equal to over $100,000 US Dollars! For an egg, people. This seems borderline preposterous. Now if the egg were not fossilized, we have a different story. Not only would you be buying a giant cool egg to be the centerpiece of your foyer, but you’d also have just purchased a future pet Elephant Bird. That, if I do say so myself, would be worth a hundred grand. Heck, I wouldn’t be angry if some rich British guy paid a million dollars or more for an egg with a pending Elephant Bird birth. But, alas, that is not what happened. Instead, this guy just bought an egg. It makes me seriously question how some people are willing to waste their money. There’s the infamous story of the grilled cheese sandwich that sold for $28,000 on ebay, because the burn marks in the toast resembled the Virgin Mary. This egg fiasco isn’t as bad as that. The egg itself is cool too, or I wouldn’t be writing about it. Don’t get me wrong, I think the egg is fabulous. I just don’t find it worth a brain surgeons year-long salary. Unless this gentleman is planning some sort of giant breakfast for the worlds most renown billionaires. We’re talking Trump, Gates, Zuckerburg and the whole gang. He will serve them this one of a kind egg in an omelet for the elite; taking donations for his future political aspirations all the while. In that situation, I applaud anonymous British buyer; you are an inspiration to the masses. May we all walk in the footprints of your untainted journey through life. Issue 601 - 5/6/13
THE WALKING DEAD Vietnam is one of the most violent, infamous war’s in United States history. It was an unpopular affair and a central figure in the “hippie” movement of the 60’s. Presidential names like Kennedy, Nixon, and Johnson come to mind when thinking of the conflict. Several major blockbuster films depicted the war to great success; films like Apocalypse now, Platoon, and even the universal classic Forest Gump. After all the memorials, dramatizations, and stories, the conflict remains one of the most memorable events in our country’s history. Because of this fact, it may come as a surprise to many that a new story related to the war has not made headlines nationwide; no, only in Snippetz will you read the eye-opening story of a lost Vietnam soldier, who has now been found. 44 years ago, John Hartley Robinson was a Green Beret, fighting honorably in a United States uniform. He served for several years, until his helicopter was shot down on a secret mission in 1968. The fiery crash left little doubt about the fate of those on board. He and his crew were presumed dead. Robinson left behind a wife and two children. His name was inscribed in the Vietnam Veteran’s Memorial in Washington, DC. Thousands who swiped their fingers across the stone unknowingly felt his name rippling on the edge of their tips. His loved one’s carried on without him. Then, thanks to film maker Michael Jorgensen and his co-hort, Vietnam Veteran Tom Faunce, Robinson was found. A new documentary, Unclaimed, tells the story of Faunce tracking down Robinson in South-Central Vietnam. The film debuted in Toronto last week and amazed audiences with it’s story of the soldier who survived an air attack, and is now back from the dead. Not only did the former master sergeant survive the helicopter crash though, he also persevered after being captured by the enemy. By his accounts, John Robinson was held prisoner by the enemy for over a year. Torture and starvation created doubt in Robinson’s mind that he could survive. But he did. John found a way to escape the prison and ended up in the care of a Vietnamese woman who nursed him back to health. He married the woman, assuming the name of her late husband. Yes, John Robinson became Dang Tan Ngoc. He secretly lived out the rest of his life as a native of the country, eventually starting a family with his new bride. It should be noted that the 76-year old man has been confirmed by his sister; she swears it’s him. He has no desire to return to America, and in fact, doesn’t even remember how to speak English. It makes you wonder who else is out there. Is it really possible that Elvis and Jim Morrison are hanging out on a farm somewhere in the Midwest? Probably not. But it is astonishing that a man once seen as dead by millions on a national memorial is very well alive. At the very least, it should teach us all to never give up. There’s always a chance of survival with the incredible power of human will. Issue 602- 5/13/13
THE CASE FOR BACON There are many secrets to living healthy. Most experts (whoever they are) say that a balanced diet with exercise is the ultimate way of taking care of your body and mind. Of course experts aren’t always who we want to take advice from. The best advice is given from those who have been there done that. Last week, a journalist for an NBC affiliate interviewed a 105-year old woman who leads an active and healthy life. The idea of the interview was to help give older folks a hint on how to stay fit and sound of mind. The woman, Pearl Cantrell, gave an unexpected answer when asked what the secret to her diet was. It was everybody’s favorite fatty-meat: Bacon. “I love bacon, I eat it everyday” said Pearl when asked about the controversial breakfast meat. Let’s face it, Bacon is delicious. But why have we always been told to stay away from it? Several studies say that red meat is bad for the heart. Men and women who already have heart issues are told to stay away from it altogether. Along with alcohol and smoking, red meat has been the target of health professionals for years. More so, it seems bacon is the number one target at times. Which is what makes this situation so unique and wonderful. It gives hope to all of us who love bacon. Here’s a woman heading strong into her 11th decade, who still dances for exercise, saying she eats the fatty-meat every morning. She even had the energy to host a three-day party upon turning 105; a party that tallied over 200 guests! The woman’s got spunk, no doubt. So how did she make it all these years with Bacon? A study by The Atlantic debunks popular thoughts on red meat. In their report, they explain that eating too little of red meat can actually cause health problem’s at a young age. This is because red meat holds many essential vitamins (protein, iron, zinc, vitamins A and B) that your body needs and wants. Of course too much steak, hamburgers and bacon can, and likely will, get you into trouble. Processed meats are very suspect to the human body. But it’s not all bad. We just have to learn to hone it in. A quote from the study says the following: “High consumption of red meat was associated with significantly increased mortality... The moral appears to be moderation -- moderation in the sense that meat would have to take the form of a small side dish rather than the centerpiece of a meal, but moderation nonetheless. That, and as always, vegetables.” Red meat as a side dish, huh? Can anybody name the perfect candidate out of all the red meats, to be a side dish? You nailed it - bacon. Looks like Pearl has it all figured out. In fact, she was rewarded for her kind comments towards the breakfast meat. Upon hearing the story, Oscar Mayer personally delivered bacon to Cantrell in one of its famous Wienermobiles. Talk about a rare day for someone in their hundreds. But then again, Pearl Cantrell doesn’t seem to live by the rules of an aging woman; just one who chooses to enjoy the life ahead of her. Issue 603- 5/20/13
THE RECIPE Georgia isn’t a state known for it’s eye-popping tourist attractions. It doesn’t really have an “it” factor. Atlanta is a pretty notable city, but it tends to live in the shadow of popular southern-city New Orleans. I think people generally think of Georgia as another southern state; comfortable, but unexciting. Folks who live down there are thought of as the simple type. They work hard, raise their families, and have excellent food. They also do weekend activities like go to the park and hunt garage sales. Actually, it doesn’t sound that different from people around here (of course, we have better places to hike, ski, and fish). I mean, my parents are the garage sale-type. I don’t know how many treasures they’ve stumbled upon in someone’s yard. You know the saying, “another man’s trash...” One Georgia couple may have found a potential goldmine at a yard sale four years ago. They’ve just decided to cash in. After digging through an old $100 box of letters they found at an antique sale, Cliff and Arlene Kluge came across something they didn’t expect. It was the legendary secret recipe for Coca-Cola. Arlene says after carrying around the recipe for a couple of weeks, showing to her friends as a cool conversation piece, she contacted the Coca-Cola company about the document. They told her she would receive a phone call within 10 days; but the phone never rang. Coke’s in-house historian (who knew that job even existed, huh?) Ted Ryan says that he understand why the company never placed the call. He says it’s impossible. He’s quoted, saying “I will go to sleep soundly tonight, knowing that the only copy of the secret formula is safe and locked away”. The story goes: The secret recipe was originally written down in 1919, the year that the Woodruff family bought Coca-Cola for a mere $25 Million dollars from Asa Candler. Not having enough money to pay up front, they convinced Candler to write down the recipe to help secure a bank loan. That piece of paper is said to have been kept in the same safe for 90 years, until it was moved in 2011 to a different safe at the company’s World of Coke attraction. This is why Ted Ryan is so confident the Kluge’s are wrong. He say’s it’s “the best kept trade secret in American Commerce” The Kluge’s disagree, though. And now they're letting the secret out; but not without profit. The supposed document is for sale on eBay for no less than $5 million dollars. There’s always the fancy “Buy it Now” option for $15 Million, too. Unfortunately for the Georgian family, there have been no bids thus far. The recipe probably won’t sell, not at this price at least. But the Kluge family may or may not have one of the most mysterious and successful beverage recipe’s in the history of mankind. Ted Ryan says they don’t. At this point it’s really just a matter of opinion. Either way, one thing is certain - nobody cares nearly as much about the Pepsi recipe. Issue 604 - 5/27/13
THE DOG DAYS ARE OVER In the year 1957, the Russian government hunted down a stray dog in the streets of Moscow. The animal didn’t have a home, so obviously it had dealt with extremely cold temperatures and was seldom fed. Strangely, this made her an ideal candidate for a very special top secret mission. The job was supposed to revolutionize science; to pioneer uncharted territory. Kind of like the lads from Star Trek (which I highly recommend you see, if you haven’t already). This young pup, roughly 3 years old, would venture where no man dare to go, the great unknown. Laika was her name, and she was the brave dog that became the first living creature to orbit the Earth. Of course these kinds of military missions were much more impressive back in the day. The “space race” between Russia and America was a heated one in the 50’s and 60’s. Now both countries have sent countless citizens into space for various reasons over the years. Which makes this weeks underreported story a little strange (and dare I say, pointless). The Associated Press has reported that a Russian mission to space was recently concluded. The space ship landed in Orenburg, about 1200 Kilometers southeast of Moscow. Not all of the crew made it. The surviving members were sent immediately back to headquarters for testing. Sure, this isn’t all that strange considering the Russians still send people into space with lives at risk. What doesn’t make sense is that the crew was entirely made up of lizards and mice. The space mission, that lasted a month, makes little sense to the public. While they did accomplish one incredible feat - no animals had ever survived that long in space according to Deputy Director Vladimir Sychov - the experiment still seems to have little validation. According to the Russians, they were simply running experiments to further understand the effects of weightlessness and cell structure in space. I guess that could make sense. But how long have we been sending people to space now? Couldn’t they run these trials on a station already suspended in the air? What is it they are trying to learn? There is little speculation on the matter. In fact, no one really seems to care. I just find it strange that the Russian government funded a space mission for mice. The month long ordeal had to have cost millions. Not to mention it cost the lives of innocent mammals and reptiles alike. Back in ‘57, when Sputnik II made it’s unforgettable journey into the outer realm, the ethical questions about sending Laika on a suicide mission were not often raised. There was a distraction; the whole Cold War thing. But the mission was morally questionable. While I’m unsure a comparison would be made for mice, it still raises questions. What were they doing that would have endangered human life? The fact is, we will probably never know. But if we do, I know a couple lizards that deserve major recognition. Perhaps the Russian’s are once again going to revolutionize space travel. After all, that’s what happened last time they sent a stray animal into the sky. There was the dog, then there was Neil. Today, a statue of a dog sitting atop a rocket lies nearby the military research center in Moscow. Tomorrow, perhaps a makeshift Pinky and the Brain will stand carved from stone, outside a Russian military base. But probably not. Issue 605 6/3/13
SHINY NEW COINS As we should be well aware, the internet has taken over the world. After Al Gore- err, sorry, several scientists and computer geniuses invented the internet in the 60’s, it was destined to become the worlds greatest tool. We have knowledge at our fingertips like never before. Want to know how old Clint Eastwood is, how to bake a pineapple upside down cake, or how many licks it does take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? Google it. You’ll find the truth, or an answer that sounds true enough to tell to your friends. You can create a photo book of your entire life, as well as reconnect with old friends with things like Facebook and Instagram. Entire companies and corporations live and die on the web these days. So do High School students. While some may hate those facts, they are undeniably true. We need the internet. We are dependent on it. It’s changed everything... almost. Perhaps the biggest change since the internet went public to the masses in 1994, is how we shop. With companies like Ebay, Amazon, and Craigslist, we can essentially find any obscure item we need and purchase it. In the late 90’s there was a lot of fear that went into buying things online; those worries have more recently subsided. With new laws and protection, shopping on the web has becoming easier and safer than ever before. Which brings me to this weeks interesting topic of conversation: The new and fabulous Bitcoin. A new form of credit, the bitcoin is starting to become a legitimate form of currency. For those who haven’t heard of it (which should be pretty much everyone at this point in time), the Bitcoin is a currency that is digital, and can only be traded online. Currently, a single coin equals about $130 U.S. While it doesn’t have the United States seal of approval yet, some trade companies are fighting for it; and they’re getting closer every day. The Bitcoin Federation will continue making the push forward. While companies like MtGox have been proven fraudulent and made the news for it, other honest business types are trying to make it an advantageous trade opportunity for the entire world. A company in Georgia named CampBX is careful about what customers they allow to trade, requiring a government issued ID and utility bill from all users. While the idea is far from complete, it’s the first major step towards a universal currency. Not one we would all be required to use, though, which is it’s strongest selling point. With so much business and trade being done over the internet these days, Bitcoin makes perfect sense. It could be a revolution in the credit industry, easily allowing business to be done around the world with one form of money. The Bitcoin could be like DVD. Remember when you walked into Blockbuster that one time and every single VHS had been replaced with a shiny new disc? It just happened so quick. Luckily, if the same happens to Bitcoin, you won’t be forced to throw away all of your old dollars and buy the new ones. The internet has officially taken over the world folks. It has it’s own television networks. It has it’s own set of federal regulations. Heck, even Snippetz is online these days! And now, it has it’s own currency. The internet is kind of like the kids. They’re our future, like it or not. Someday, they’ll be forced to run the world. I guess the only irony is that they’ll probably have to sit back from the computer, step outside, and get some fresh air to do so. And with that, we wish them luck. Issue 606 - 6/10/13
THIRTY FEET UNDER We hear it all the time - the children are our future. It can be hard to acknowledge at times (like when they fail to bathe themselves, act like superhero’s in the back yard fighting imaginary villains, and eat their buger’s). Anyway you spin it though, it’s the truth. One day someone under the age of 18 (right now) will be president of the United States. One of those kids will explore space; another could find the cure for cancer. You never know. Of course, some young people show signs of their incredible potential a little earlier than others. Take for example an 18-year old teen by the name of Justin Beckerman; he just invented a personal submarine. The young New Jersey native has been inventing things for as long as his parents can remember. His mother is quoted claiming “he’s been building things since he was two years old,” adding that “if we tried to help him, we would just get in the way”. At twelve years old, trying to avoid the hassle’s of housework, Beckerman invented a remote control device that could vacuum and mop for him. Impressive, for a middle school student. Still, Justin’s greatest invention to date is his newest one. The fully functional submarine is a high school science fair anomaly. Few people are capable of such a scientific and technological achievement, much less a teenager. It started years ago. In fact, the submarine I’m speaking of is his fourth sub to date! Previous versions were subpar; only able to dive 5-feet deep. The new sub is advanced, enabling Beckerman to dive up to 30-feet deep. Having already accomplished three successful dives, Justin can be confident in his design. As of now, it is reported the man-made sub is capable of being submerged for two hours, before oxygen levels run too low. When asked what the invention is for, Beckerman gave a wise answer, stating he’d like to, “Explore the lakes, see fish, and hopefully find a bit of history”. There are rumored to be cannons from a neighboring historic house in the lake nearest to him. So there’s always that shot at history. Another shot is staring him in the face as he becomes one of the leading bright minds of his generation. Of course some drive and ambition could help. When asked about the motivation for the project, Justin Beckerman gave an unexciting answer “I wanted to see if I could do it,” he said. How’s that for an inspirational story... He just felt like it. But before you start looking at your 18-year olds in disgust, take into consideration that Justin built his highly advanced water treading machine for under $2,000 US dollars. He used mostly common items, like motorized scooter engines and 12v batteries. So simple, so cheap. Okay, now you can look in disgust. But remember that such talent at a young age is rare. Some 18-year olds are better off taking basic college courses and playing X-Box in the evening. It’s not flashy. It’s not making the news. But plenty of kids that age are doing it and living a happy and healthy life. In the end, isn’t that all we really want for the youth? To live a satisfying life; one they won’t regret? Of course it is. Well, that, and we want some highly developed new technology. Issue 607 - 6/17/13
COOKIE DOUGH What a week! It was hot. It was windy. You know the rest. Once again our community became the center of national news as many of us tried to find our way out of the fire. Watching our friends and family scramble around town was chaotic and heartbreaking. The smoke that covered our skies brought back painful memories, while ushering in new tragedies. The great flame was unpredictable. It went East, then west. It went far and wide. Eventually; it was over. With all the bad news we’ve been hearing lately, I thought I might bring El Paso County a good, positive story! Of course the news doesn’t effect any of us personally, but it’s still good to know that the blessings are falling somewhere. This is the story of an ordinary man named Ricardo Cerezo. Like many others right now, he was struggling financially. In fact, the Cerezo family was on the brink of foreclosure. They were also coming off the heals of a tragic family loss (sorry, this story isn’t all positive. But we’ll get there, I swear). Their 14-year old daughter had recently passed away from health complications. The family was at an all-time low, to say the least. But as luck would have it, the Cerezo clan would fall into good fortune at the time they needed it the most. Savannah Cerezo, like any other 14-year old girl, loved cookies. Heck, who doesn’t love the classic baked good? So naturally she bought her father, Ricardo, a cookie jar. The jar never really went to good use, only being used to store old lotto tickets from years past. After Savannah’s passing though, Ricardo’s wife asked him to clean out the old cookie jar, so that they could use it for something more meaningful. The man of the house did as he was asked, and wisely, made sure to check the old tickets one last time. Ricardo went down to his local gas station to get the tickets scanned. There were alot of them. Time after time the machine declared losing tickets. Then, they scanned the last one. When scanned, the machine responded, “file a claim”. It did not state if it was a winner or loser. It did not state an amount. Ricardo, like many of us I’m sure, had no idea what that meant. He contacted the Illinois State Lottery and to his surprise, had won big on the months-old ticket. The Cerezo family was awarded $4.85 Million! Strange that they had never discovered the winning ticket before. Or, so it seems anyway. Ricardo and his wife have a different feeling about it. They feel it was a sentiment from their teenage daughter. “My honest first reaction was mammoth regret” said Ricardo, upset that Savannah was not able to enjoy the prize. He backtracked though, saying he had finally found peace in what they believe to be one last gift from their little girl. The Cerezo family plans to use the money top pay off their mortgage, start college funds for their other children, and donate to their church and charity. So, lesson learned this week: never give up. Someone around here is bound to strike gold soon enough. The winds of fortune will shift and El Paso County will persevere, rebuild, and find itself stronger than ever before. You’ll feel like four-millions bucks. Issue 608 - 6/24/13
ALL THE CAT’S MEN It wasn’t long ago that we were at each other’s throats. The heated political battle of 2012 featured two completely different men. Mitt Romney, the business savvy billionaire, took on the charismatic incumbent Barack Obama. By the end of it all, both men appeared to be shaky, untrustworthy, typical “politicians”. Whether any of the scandals or dirty secrets of either candidate were actually true is a different subject entirely. The point is, by the end of the day, many were spitting out that phrase I hear every four years; picking the “lesser of two evils”. Now, throughout history, there’s been some classic political battles. There was the time we witnessed John F. Kennedy win the first ever televised presidential debate. It changed everything. Suddenly, image mattered. There was the time George W. Bush and Al Gore went into triple overtime for a last minute finish in 2000. There was also the 2003 race for governor. This thriller took place in California, when the mighty Arnold Schwarzenegger defeated heavyweights like Gary Coleman (actor), Mary Cook (adult film star), and Trek Thunder Kelly (who’s official tagline was “Dude. I want to be an artist living on the beach with $3,500 to blow...” (or something like that). The following Nick Snips is along the lines of the third election I described. There is true intrigue. It’s the Mayoral race of the century. The place is Xalapa, Mexico. The time, is now. In this race, like most, candidates from across all party platforms are competing against one another to convince the people that they can best lead the city to prosperity. Of course, that can be hard to sell to the citizens of Xalapa. The population of 450,000 people just ranked politicians as the least trusted institution in the country. It makes sense, the capital city of the gulf-coast state Veracruz has been ridden with drug violence, scandals, and an inordinate amount of journalistic deaths over the last two years. Which is why one very unique candidate is making a splash. His name is Morris. His platform? He will sleep most of the day and make for a great internet meme. A representative of the candidate says that Morris “does nothing (that) fits the profile of a politician”. That statement really resonated with the voters. Oh, also, Morris is a cat. He would become the first of his race to ever win a mayoral race in his country. There is the case of Stubbs, of course, the honorary mayor in the quiet town of Talkeetna, AK. But this is a different thing altogether. With a win, Morris could change how society views the Cat as a race. Maybe this is the beginning of a major civil rights movement; where cats no longer quietly submit to the dictation of humans, but rather, have a positive and meaningful impact on world affairs. If for a moment you think this article is a petty joke, just the amusing ramblings of a reporter desperate for news, take into account the details. The incumbent party’s leading candidate, Americo Zuniga, has a facebook page to promote the campaign. That page has 33,000 “likes” as of last week. I know, hard to compete with that in a city of under 500,000, huh? Well, Morris the Cat also created a facebook page for his campaign. It has 135,000 “likes” and counting. In social media, Morris is dominating the polls. It also helps that Morris has the support of friends and respected locals. A professor at the local university, Giovanna Mazzotti, supports the candidate fully. He plans on attending the fundraiser for Morris. There is also the international support. P.E.T.A. recently wrote a letter to Morris’s human affiliates (owners) thanking them. The greatest support is by the only living creature who can relate to him, Stubbs the Cat. He has shown his support by posting the felines’ campaign spot on his personal facebook account. All there is left to say, really, is - Vote for Morris. Issue 609 - 7/1/13
2013: A WATER ODYSSEY When I was a child, I was led to believe that the future would bring us hovers and space-high skyscrapers. It was implied that cities would reach the outer atmosphere; our cars soaring through the sky would park in suspended lots above the clouds. My parents taught me to dream big, sure, but the internet and television told me to expect unreasonable technologies. I thought the world could provide me with anything. I thought virtual reality was just another Nintendo product away. I thought gasoline and oil would be obsolete; nothing but water and the sun needed here. Mankind didn’t let me down. They didn’t disappoint, necessarily. They did over hype themselves though. As if the human race was an ever evolving intelligence, rapidly developing planets and moons, I believed we were capable of literally anything within a few short years. While the iPad and Google Glass are great, they simply don’t live up to the rumors and fiction of the 1990’s. Remember when 2000 was an unreachable futuristic dimension? Well, that was 13-years ago. It came and went. I was wrong. They were wrong. Luckily, I’m not giving up on mankind yet. It may be slower than we wanted, but we as a species are developing some pretty impressive hardware. Which brings me to this week’s point. Have you ever seen a cheesy flick where the hero’s are in an epic car chase? The villains are gaining and, sure enough, corner our protagonists. They usually are stopped by either a mass of water or a canyon. Something that their vehicle can simply not overcome. But then, just as a somber resolution approaches, the car does something miraculous. It becomes a plane or a boat, riding off into a safe and free distance, away from the bad guys. I have great news America. This car now exists. Well, half of it anyway. A California based company, fittingly named WaterCar, is now taking orders for an ambitious new vehicle called the Panther. The car is what the company suggests; at first an ordinary looking jeep-like vehicle, that can turn into a boat. Yes, it functions as both! The advanced vehicle has been in the works for over 14 years according to the companies owner Dave March. It looks to be well worth the wait. The four seat, V6 powered automobile, can enter a lake or ocean at 15mph and increase speed up to 44mph. On land, the vehicle is capable of taking you anywhere, with a highway ready maximum speed of 80mph. Of course trying to put the vehicle on the market has come with federal complications. WaterCar has worked its way around these regulations by offering the vehicle incomplete, requiring the buyer to install the engine and a few drivetrain components. For that wonderful offer, the Panther will cost you just over $100,000. The company can have the vehicle put together for you, charging a fee to an outside company to install the finishing pieces for a higher cost of $135,000. What’s $30,000 to have it delivered in one piece, am I right? The Panther does come with a few headaches (if installing its engine’s wasn’t migraine-inducing enough). The automobile is required to be registered as both a car and a boat in every state. Regulations for it vary depending on where you live, so you’ll have to do your research. But even with all the hassle and cash, let’s be real. This thing is awesome. No more towing a boat to the lake; just drive right on in. You don’t have to pay to dock your boat either. Forget stressing about where to store it. You don’t even have to exert energy in moving heavy coolers, fishing poles, and what-not from the car to the boat. It’s all just there for your availability. You just... Keep on driving. It makes me feel inspired. I feel like a kid again; like anything is possible. I feel like I’m finally in the future. Issue 610 - 7/8/13
THE HEAD AND THE HEART “These philosophers, whose hands seem only made to dabble in dirt, and their eyes to pour over the microscope or crucible, have indeed performed miracles. They penetrate into the recesses of nature, and shew how she works in her hiding places. They ascent into the heavens; they have discovered how the blood circulates, and the nature of the air we breathe. They have acquired new and almost unlimited powers; they can command the thunders of heaven, mimic the earthquake, and even mock the invisible world with its own shadows” -Excerpt from Mary Shelly’s Frankenstien Every day, we as a species evolve. That’s why I find myself writing about some crazy new technologies or discoveries every couple of weeks in this column. It is constant progress; perhaps not by the true definition of the word, but by the opinions of those looking to broaden mankind’s knowledge of life and the universe. Those who dedicate themselves to science have good intentions, I am sure. All too often though, new discoveries lead to question’s of faith, ethics, and human rights. Such is the case in a new claim by Nueroscientist Sergio Canevero, who claims that full head transplants are now a very real possibility. Dr. Canevero, a member of the Turin Advanced Neuromodulation Group, claims that the barriers previously preventing a full human head transplant can now be overcome. He cites new technologies in spinal surgery as a key component. Previously, the reason human head transplants could not be achieved had a lot to do with the spinal chord (reconnecting it, specifically). Today, due to relatively new technological advances in medical equipment, surgeons are able to recover severed spinal chords at a positive rate. He also cites legendary Neurosurgeon Robert White, who has successfully completed head transplants in living monkey’s. While the human body does operate differently than that of an ape’s, the procedure would entail similar methods. Add the fact that over the last 40-years head transplants have been done to thousands of different types of animals, and you’ve got yourself quite a head-scratcher. Some of those animal transplants were successful. Others were not. The mere fact that it is now an extremely real possibility for humans is something to pay attention to. It solidifies our standing as an ever evolving species; one filled with knowledge and ambition. Then come the moral questions. Are we ready? Is this “playing God”? Is it worth the risk? All of these questions will and should be asked. There are laws to be debated, too. Medical practice will be put on trial before the world’s eye, as high ranking officials will have to determine the legal status of such an operation. We may never see the procedure succeed. We may never see it at all. But the fact that a respected neuroscientist is convinced it could happen is a wake up call to us all. Perhaps we are capable of performing miracles. Maybe we can alter life and death. Maybe even, someday, we can create life with nothing more than a test tube and a microscope. A real Human life-form. But the question you should really be asking is - would we ever want to? Issue 611 - 7/15/13
THE PUEBLO PICKER It seems every day the world becomes more dangerous. All we hear about on television is the latest murder, burglary, or terrorist attempt. Perhaps this is why we are drawn to pieces of fiction that portray hero’s. In recent years, the Super Hero film industry has reached heights few thought possible. Trilogies featuring fictional vigilantes like Batman and Spiderman have broken records and dazzled the public. Midnight showings sell out. Regular actors are turned into A-list superstars. New director’s are transformed into legendary story tellers. Sure, the special effects are always good, but the reason we are drawn to these films is because it shows another side to the human condition; the good side. I’m going to paint a picture for you. Well, actually, I’m going to write a paragraph depicting the dramatic opening scene of a new Super Hero film. It starts like any other: We begin with the images of a quiet, still fairgrounds. Every ride has been turned off; every game booth boarded and locked up. It’s the middle of the night and evil is afoot. A mastermind thief and his two henchmen have broken into the fenced off area. They are looking for goods. Sure enough, they stumble on some valuable merchandise. They kick in the door, crack the safe, and make off with their millions. The next day, the owner of the mysterious missing jewels is devastated - he calls the commissioner. As the mustached captain and his deputies arrive on the scene, they begin collecting evidence. The police will do their usual routine and try to gather all the information they possibly can, but the commissioner only has one thing on his mind. He knows it’s a job for their local Super Hero (Let’s say in this case, it’s Batman). Back at police headquarters, he lights the signal. As he waits upon the police station’s roof for the aforementioned hero, other officers are recovering the security camera’s footage of the victimized shop. They make a startling discovery... This is where things really get interesting. The commissioner is quickly called into the evidence room. There he sees something he does not believe. On the surveillance tape, clear as day, the thief on camera is Batman. Other than a few dramatic changes for effect (it is a movie, after all), all of the above actually happened at the Colorado State Fair last week in Pueblo. No, the door wasn’t kicked in and the safe wasn’t cracked. There was no safe, actually. Instead, a Television, Laptop, and an empty cash register (gasp!) were stolen from the Fair’s VIP building. Here’s the kicker. With two other men, the man now in custody was dressed as Batman while he performed the crime. Though, as un-cinematic as humanly possible. The robbery did not go as planned. After being caught on camera and accidentally locking themselves in the building they were robbing, the footage was aired on television. Once seen on the news, the boy dressed as The Dark Knight decided to do the only hero-like thing in this entire story, and turn himself in. Because the boy is just 16, police have not released his name. He has not ratted out either of his accomplices to this point. Why did I tell you this seemingly meaningless bit of Colorado based news? Well, for one, I thought is was entertaining; a good lunch story to tell your friends and family. The second reason is to destroy any false hopes you may have received from new hits like Iron Man 3 and Man of Steel. There are no Super Hero’s. No one is going to fly in and save the day. But, if you look close enough and decide to see those who perform good every day, you’ll find yourself surrounded by hero’s at each waking moment. Only then will you know there’s nothing to fear. Issue 612 - 7/22/13
THE TALE OF TWO OPERATIONAL STAIRCASES Imagine for a moment you are a small child. Your parents have just taken you out for a pretty neat pizza dinner and you’re sitting in the back seat, headed home. Your birthday is tomorrow. You’re really excited, but disappointed that you weren’t allowed to have a party with your friends this year. Instead, family is in town and you’re all going to go to the Go-Kart track. This sounds awesome, but you still wish you were going to have the traditional party with your classmates. You pull up in your driveway wondering what you’ll do tonight. The excitement for tomorrow is quite overwhelming, so anything tonight will likely be a letdown. You walk into the house behind your Mother. When coming in the door you wonder - why are the lights off? Suddenly the room lights up and what looks like a sea of thousands of people jump from behind every corner and yell “surprise!”. Wasn’t that the best? Don’t you wish you could recapture those glorious moments of utter shock you had as a child? It gets hard to do these days. Not only are we older and less susceptible to foolery, but we also have learned that anything is possible. In a day and age when any new piece of technology is conceivable, we sometimes forget the simple element of getting caught off guard. I’ve personally written about several strange stories and new inventions that have the potential to shock you. But in all likelihood, you just raise an eyebrow, read through, and say something along the lines of - eh, doesn’t surprise me anymore. Which is why this week, I’m trying the opposite approach. I’m going to take you to a place where advanced technologies are nothing but imaginary props for science fiction. The place is Wyoming. Weird fact of the week - did you know that there are only two escalators in the entire state of Wyoming? Surprise! It’s true. The same escalators that we see everyday; we have four in Chapel Hill Mall alone. Through all of the strange stories I’ve reported here, I think this one baffled me the most. How is this even possible. What’s better is a story recently written on the matter by a reporter (The world’s most notable escalator reporter, actually). Here’s an excerpt of her fascination with the moving stairs in Wyoming: “The shiny silver steps appear, seemingly from nowhere, and take the traveler to the building’s second level. Then, after the traveler has completed his or her second floor business, the escalator delivers the traveler safely back on the first floor.” -Megan Lee She also importantly noted the escalators being a wonderful and popular attraction for children. They and their parents can ride the escalator during business hours of the First National Bank and/or Hilltop National Bank, both located in Casper. Convenient how all two of the futuristic moving staircases are located in government buildings. Talk about spending tax dollars on useless silly technology gimmicks. While this week’s story may seem irrelevant to the big picture (of your life) it speaks volumes about how much we take for granted. So the next time I tell you about a new aquatic submarine that also serves as an ice cream truck, show a little enthusiasm. Some of us, even here in America, are not spoiled with such flashy electronics. You’d be surprised by how much we don’t appreciate. Issue 613 - 7/29/13
ATTACK OF THE TELEVISION EXECUTIVES! “If I was one of them — these people that you seem to think are your enemies — what would I do? Well, there would be no balloon, so I’d draw a map to a real secluded place like a cave or some underbrush, a good place for a trap... an ambush. And when your friends got there, a bunch of my people would be waiting for them. Then they’d use them to trade for me. I guess it’s a good thing I’m not one of them, huh? You guys got any milk?” -Henry Gale from LOST That ladies and gentlemen, is one riveting piece of television history. It’s an excerpt from the often misunderstood ABC television series LOST. It was my favorite television series; everyone has their own. Now, with programs like Hulu and Netflix, television series’ are more accessible than ever. People can binge-watch new hip shows like Mad Men, Arrested Development, Breaking Bad, and more, getting through entire season’s in just a week (or less). Some people find society’s obsession with the tube a little disturbing. It’s rotting our brains, they say. Maybe they’re right. Maybe there are savvy individuals with a purely evil plot behind the screen. They create these stories to distract us from what’s really going on! They’re taking over! If this is the case, and the major network executive’s are ready to pounce, then they’ve finally added one last vital piece for world domination - Television for dogs. Dog’s are the ones that protect us when our guard is down. They bark when an unwelcome guest comes walking up the driveway. They are alert hours before a storm hits. They’ll always be ready to pounce, even in the middle of the night when we’re fast asleep. As the new, proud owner of a puppy, I’ve started to notice some strange things about the dog species. The one that stood out the most is his attentiveness to TV. The first night I had my puppy, he watched an entire basketball game with me. He was mesmerized. I thought this was strange, until I stumbled upon a Fox News article telling me that dogs are more inclined to watch television recently. This is mostly due to the fact that flat screens, particularly HD quality, can now engage a dog’s eye. The science goes like this: The human eye can detect something as low as 60 frames per second (which is what most older CRT screens processed at). Dog’s however need a minimum of 75FPS. It’s as if old TV’s didn’t even work for them. This whole time they thought we were staring at an empty box. What fools we must appear to be... Now, with higher resolution screens and frames flickering by in the blink of an eye, dog’s can fully see what’s going on inside the box. They’re essentially experiencing what many humans did back in the 30’s. One network isn’t wasting any time. DOGTV is an actual channel dedicated only to dogs. Programming is designed by pet experts to “meet specific attributes of a dog’s sense of vision and hearing and supports their natural behavior patterns”. Supposedly, the modern science involved should help stimulate their brains. I wonder if that’s what they told us originally? So there you have it. Now our dog’s will be glued to the television just as much as people. The network captains and their henchmen have finally found the ultimate weak spot in mankind; it’s the back-breaker, the explanation point. They’ve taken our humanity, and now, they’ve taken our canines. Issue 614 - 8/5/13
GATOR-AIDING (AND ABETTING) Over the last 8 months, Nick Snips has tackled bizarre facts, new technologies, ridiculous lawsuits, and pointless facts. Hopefully you’ve earned yourself a solid conversation piece or two this year. But surely there must be a high demand for the most obvious Snips snub – dumb criminals. Each year, thousands upon thousands of cynical people read the Darwin Awards; an annual list and description of people who, um, eliminated themselves in bizarre and less-than-intelligent ways. People have a sick tendency to get joy out of other’s failures. Why is this? I admit it myself, if someone takes a big spill at the X-Games, I’m the first one hitting the replay on Tivo. Of course I never want to see anyone get severely injured. I just want to see a good enough wipe out to see them down for a couple minutes. They give us an epic crash. They lay down for a couple of minutes. Everyone starts to worry. Then they get up and slowly walk away, giving the crowd a thumbs up and a great story to tell. This is perhaps the pinnacle of live entertainment. We love to watch someone take a risk, knowing the outcome could be life threatening. This is one of the many reasons that this week’s story is so charming. Rarely do I find myself rooting for the bad guy. I must admit, though, this guy has skills, guts, and now… glory. Our villain comes from the delightful state of West Virginia. The crime? One of the most bizarre heists ever attempted; the kidnapping of a baby Alligator. A local pet store called Pets and Things was robbed of one of its most unique in-store creatures last Tuesday. A young alligator who shall remain unnamed (he is a minor, after all) was taken by what is described to be a tall, man in his 30’s. Employee Anthony Williams explains, “One guy got my mom’s attention, while the other guy took the Gator”. TWO VILLIANS!? That’s not even the real shocker here. The man who took the young reptile snuck him out by putting the baby Gator under his shirt! Talk about a risky proposition. The $300, two-foot Alligator can be very dangerous. In fact, Williams doubts the robber got away without any scars. “Baby Alligators have sharper teeth than the bigger kind” he tells, “He probably was bit”. Ouch. Unfortunately for the robber, he’s about to get bit by the big mouth of the law. Store owners viewed their surveillance cameras to find the robbery clear as day. They immediately recognized the robber as a regular customer who already owns another Alligator. Williams says they gave the name to police and an investigation is underway. Does anybody else think the guy should be able to keep the Gator just for the sheer willpower he showed? Probably not. But at least an online video has leaked to prove how tough this guy is. If for nothing else, it’s a moral victory for the robber. What I find strange is that there has been no mention of the man’s coconspirator. Perhaps he’s the true mastermind of this operation. Perhaps he is building an army of reptiles, determined to one day take over the world. He owns the cops already, so they’re not coming for him. In fact, the thief who has been identified is just a regular henchmen. Sure he’s tough, but does he have the brains (I’m thinking no, because of the whole Alligator under the shirt thing). In fact, this story is far from over. This is likely just the prequel in a long series of unfortunate feisty-animal kidnappings. Hang on to your raccoons people, they’re coming… Issue 615 - 8/12/13
CUTOUT THE CRIME! It’s 12 AM, midnight. You have just finished doing your job. It could be any sort of entertainment gig; a band, a magician, dancer, whatever. You have tons of equipment that you use on stage and you are preparing to load it out of the venue and be on your way. You even made some money. It was a good night. Unfortunately, upon retrieving your vehicle, you find you have been towed (ouch). This causes a sinking feeling in your stomach. Your mind starts to wander into dark territory. How could this have happened? Why me? All of those questions are promptly answered by the no-so-lovely woman on the other end of your phone. She also lets you know that there’s no way you’re getting your car back tonight. This means that your equipment and crew of 5, have no means of getting home. Of course, one of the members of your outfit does have his two-passenger truck with him. But can you really fit all five people in there, for what will be nearly a two hour drive??? Desperate times call for desperate measures. The following story is in no way attached to the introduction of this article. The last two paragraphs were simply written to 1) Anonymously complain about getting my car towed last weekend, and 2) show that when in extraordinary circumstances, people will come up with wacky, yet doable solutions. Such is in the case of the Boston Bike Bandits (I came up with that nickname for it, catchy huh?). Cambridge, MA has been having some crime issues lately. The Alewife MBTA subway has been riddled with bike theft. Bikes have disappeared at the subway and bus station by the hundreds this year. After a brief investigation, local police discovered that the bikes were not running way. No, in fact, there was evil afoot - these bikes were being kidnapped. There were several options the police could have taken to seek a solution. One was to occasionally send an officer by. Make it a sort of check point. Of course this does nothing. Bikes will still continue to be stolen when no one is watching. Another option is to have a police officer constantly guard the station. That would surely work! It would also cost the city roughly $200,000 a year. After a little thought and a lot of silliness, the police department finally came to a conclusion. They would print a cardboard cutout of MBTA officer David Silen and place him outside the chain link fence by the bike rack. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this is what our taxes pay for. Which is great news for us, because it’s cheaper than a real human officer and it actually worked. Since placing the cardboard police officer, bike crime rate has fizzled to just under 70%! This proves two things. The first being that Boston city criminals are both unobservant and paranoid. You could also say they lack a certain amount of intelligence; well, 67% of them anyway. The second thing this proves has been a fear of mankind for decades and appears to finally be coming to fruition. Humans are obsolete. The strange twist is that we always thought we would be replaced by machines, not paper (of course, cardboard is made by a machine, so does that still mean it’s the machines we should fear?). Cardboard Police Officer Silen is doing his job as good as any officer in the city. Standing outside of the subway station fence, he’s cutting crime and taking names. Let’s just hope it doesn’t rain. Issue 616 - 8/19/13
ARE YOU SMARTER THAN A 12-YEAR OLD? (Trivia Edition) These days in America, it’s not uncommon to hear people complain about our education system. Usually (though not always) the older generation grumbles about how easy it is to get a High School diploma in 2013. It’s hard to blame them, we’ve watched countries like China grow at an incredible rate economically because of their advancements in technology and science. It seems like the innovation in the world is at an all-time high; while America is slumping. Then again, I think back to when I was in High School. If I had an algebra question or a quiz on the Periodic table, my parents were the last people who could answer for me. It’s not that they were unintelligent, but they would openly admit that they had never learned that advanced of material when they were in school. So exactly where is this education criticism coming from? I think it’s safe to say that schools have gotten more difficult and more advanced over the last 50+ years. Despite that point, the education system in America has slumped; but it’s not parents or even grandparents who can complain about it. A recently discovered quiz from the year 1912 proved rather difficult to many adults when the Bullitt County History Museum posed the questions online. The following are questions that were asked to 8th graders over 100-years ago in a standard test covering all academic subjects. Here are just four of several of the questions: 1. ARITHMETIC: Write in words, the following - a) .5764; b) .00003; c) .123416; d) 653.0965; e) 43.37 2. GRAMMER: Adjectives have how many degrees of comparison? 3. PYSIOLOGY: How does the liver compare in size with other glands in the human body? Where is it located? What does it secrete? 4. HISTORY: Name the last battle in the Civil War, War of 1812, and French and Indian War; name the commanders in each battle (on each side). I find it highly unlikely that anyone reading this article answered all of those questions without flaw. If you did, you either deserve a round of applause from the community, or great shame for using google (because that’s the only way you pulled it off). I will no longer accept complaints about how much harder school was for my parents back in the day (I looked up a quiz from the 70’s too. I’m not impressed). I will also never pretend that my schooling was the most difficult challenge I’ve ever faced. I will however give credit to the brave little souls who faced the 8th grade final exam in 1912. It was a heck of a test. If I ever happen to come across such a person, I’ll give them a swift shake in the hand. Due to high likelihood that such an encounter will never occur, I’d like to go on record here in print – kudos fair citizen and congratulations on that middle-school diploma. You really earned it. And now, loyal reader, I present to you the answers (according to BullittCountyHistory.com). I know you were curious: QUESTION 1: a) five thousand seven hundred sixty-four ten-thousandths; b) three millionths; c) one hundred twenty-three thousand four hundred (and) sixteen millionths; d) six hundred fifty-three and nine hundred sixty-five ten-thousandths; e) forty-three and thirty-seven one-hundredths QUESTION 2: Adjectives have three degrees of comparison (example: Good, Better, Best) QUESTION 3: The liver is the largest gland in the body. It lies below the diaphragm in the abdominal-pelvic region of the abdomen. It secretes bile. QUESTION 4: a) Civil War: Battle of Columbus, Georgia on 16 Apr 1865; commanders were Union General James H. Wilson and Confederate Major General Howell Cobb b) War of 1812: February 1815 at Fort Bowyer, British Force (no known commander) attacked American force led by fort commander William Lawrence who surrendered on 11 Feb 1815 c) French and Indian War: Battle of Signal Hill on 15 Sep 1762 with British forces led by William Amherst and French forces led by Guillaume de Bellecombe Issue 617 - 8/26/13
CHEW ON THAT! Food has become something of a debatable topic. In today’s market, food companies tend to take a polar opposite stance on how food should be made and sold. Half of the market consists of “health freaks”. Grocery stores like Whole Foods and Sunflower Market have seen a huge increase in sales and popular opinion over the last ten years. It’s a movement. For the most part, it’s been a good thing. There’s an obvious obesity problem in America and it’s best to not take a sit-and-wait approach with this. However, “organic” labels have been popping up all over the place and jacking prices higher than ever. On the other side of the isle, soda, chips, and hotdogs are still top sellers. Food billed as “fatty” and “unhealthy” has been engrained into our daily lives. Remember when things like a Soda Shop existed. It was a treat – like a milkshake or malt. Now it’s just standard fridge décor. And don’t get me wrong, I’m a Mountain Dew devotee myself. I drink way too much of the stuff. The bottom line is, an excess of anything is usually too much. You should try to maintain a healthy and balanced diet, without emptying your bank account. That being said, every once in a while a product hits the shelves that is so absurd, you just have to try it. I recently stumbled upon an online article that revealed to me that Pepsi flavored Cheetos are a real thing! Shocking stuff, I know. The manufacturer managed to make two unhealthy snacks into one mega-garbage-bag-of-deliciousness. I want them pulled from shelves immediately. I also would love to buy a bag (what did curiosity do to the cat again?). Unfortunately for my second plan, the item is only sold in Japan. Though there is a bag on Ebay for just $3.99! This inspired me to dig down and do some research on strange items that are sold in regular American grocery stores. The following are the 5 strangest items I found: Whipped Lightening Whipahol – An alcoholic version of whipped cream made for topping of shots and mix drinks. The item can be found in 13 US States. It can, of course, only be purchased by those 21 and older. You can buy the bottle in standard flavor, or go exotic with Chocolate Almond Brownie flavor or Coconut Cream Pie. Hemp Milk – Exactly what it sounds like. The milk is made with the nuts and seeds from a hemp plant. Until recently, farmers were unable to grow Hemp plants legally in America. They would import the plant from Canada, produce the milk, and sell it in America legally. It’s actually super healthy, containing a good dose of iron, calcium, and other minerals. No, it won’t get you high, but it does come in Chocolate! Canned Roasted Scorpions – Also, exactly what it sounds like. While they are a delicacy in Thailand, they seem frightening and weird to most Americans. They can be found and purchased at a lot of Asian Market Stores. No word on how healthy they are. Canned Reindeer – Our second of two canned items on this list. Reindeer are surprisingly healthy for red meat; about the healthiest red meat you can find actually. Because of how they are raised and fed, Reindeer typically only have about 2% fat content. Hard to find and expensive, Canned Reindeer can typically cost about $30 a can! Bacon Gumballs – A questionable treat made and distributed by novelty candy retailer Archie McPhee, the bacon-flavored gum seems less than desirable. Not the only bacon flavored treat by the company, shoppers can also stumble upon Bacon Lollipops if lucky! Issue 618 - 9/2/13
MEET THE MOST DANGEROUS SWIM CAP IN THE WORLD! “Because today we live in a society in which spurious realities are manufactured by the media, by governments, by big corporations, by religious groups, political groups... So I ask, in my writing, what is real? Because unceasingly we are bombarded with pseudo-realities manufactured by very sophisticated people using very sophisticated electronic mechanisms. I do not distrust their motives; I distrust their power. They have a lot of it. And it is an astonishing power: that of creating whole universes, universes of the mind.” -Science fiction author Phillip K. Dick Often times we are told that there is someone, or something, manipulating us. Whether it be the media trying to spin a story, or a magazine article sneaking their agenda in, there’s always influence. It’s everywhere we look. While many people will take anything they hear/read/see with a grain of salt, some people are radically altered by other’s opinions. If you think about, our opinions really are just a collection of other people’s thoughts; our parents, friends, peers, co-workers, idols. We derive our ideas and beliefs from someone, the form them into our own. No one believes what they believe without any influence whatsoever. In most cases, though, it still comes down to you. You decide what to say. You decide what to do, what to believe, and how to live your life. The idea that someone else makes you do anything is absurd. We have to take responsibility for our own actions in life, whether it be rewarding or humiliating. That is unless of course… someone is controlling our brain. Recently, two scientists studying at the University of Washington have figured out to use real-life mind control. Terrifying, I know! Andrea Stocco and research partner Rajesh Rao created a mind control cap made of swim caps in their experiment. To make this successful trial even more incredible, it was done over the internet; the two men weren’t even in the same room. The swim caps had electrodes and were hooked to an electroencephalography machine (look it up) to read electrical activity in the brain. The two men then separated, retiring to different labs and connecting over skype simply to communicate. They were not visible to each other. Rao, the “controller” was playing a video game with only his mind. So, instead of actually hitting a button, he would simply imagine hitting the button with his finger. Specifically, he imagined hitting the space-bar, which triggers to ‘fire’ in the video game. In the other room, the “lab rat” Stocco moved his finger and hit the space bar simultaneously when Rao had the thought. “It was both exciting and eerie to watch an imagined action from my brain get translated into actual action by another brain” Rao is quoted. Of course, there is plenty of controversy. Such power seems dangerous. The two scientists, along with an assistant professor in Psychology at UW disagrees. In fact, all parties involved maintain that the technology would never work on someone who wasn’t voluntarily accepting the brain activity. If given the option to resist the command, one would easily succeed. The idea behind this specific research is that it can potentially help pilots. For example, if a pilot were to become unconscious for any reason, the technology could ideally be used to help the flight attendant land the plane. Sounds legit. However, it’s easy to understand why this technology scares so many people. While this specific research may not be dangerous, it is a clear step in the direction of mind control. It’s like we’re living in a science fiction movie these days, technology is unstoppable. Of course, they still can’t seem to make a functional, problem free printer for home computers. What’s up with that? Issue 619 - 9/9/13
ATTACK OF THE SUN! You ever catch a glare? It could be off of anything. Sometimes, when I switch Cd’s in my car, I just lay the previous one down on my passenger seat. Sure enough, the next turn I take, I’m blinded by a great light bouncing off the back of the CD. I turn it over. Same problem. Then I take the time to put it back in its case and nicely store it away where it belongs. But there is no escape from the blinding sun on Earth. It’s bouncing off of cups, glasses, mirrors, street signs, windows, and other cars. It’s as if the sun has just discovered these weapons against mankind. It is using them more than ever in an effort to make our lives inconvenient. Luckily, it’s all just harmless. Until it’s not. Kind of like that phrase – it’s all fun and game until someone gets hurt. I have an out-of-this-world (or country) story that will blow your socks off (or just surprise you). Recently in London, a man suffered a consequence of the sun not seen since people were caught looking directly into it: remember when we, as cruel kids, would burn ants with a microscope? Well, we are now the ant. The microscope? A giant building in England. Recently, an owner of a very nice Jaguar XJ, Martin Lindsay, parked his car near a construction site for a new skyscraper in London. When he returned to his vehicle he found damage had been done. The vehicle had suffered warped panels. Worst of all, these mutations were beyond repair. The skyscraper under construction, known to locals as the “Walkie Talkie” because of its unique shape and features, was to blame. Light shining off the windows of the new building was directly reflecting towards Mr. Lindsay’s pricey ride. After sitting for long enough, the heat melted the frame of the vehicle. This would be the worst parking space ever to stand in while saving a spot for a friend who’s driving around the block. Thankfully, the building is taking full responsibility. They’ve agreed to pay for the damage of the car or replace it. After finding out that damage to a van had previously gone unreported, city officials have taken measures to prevent any future incidences. They’ve now closed down three parking spaces during the day to prevent future sun-victims. The building and city are going on a campaign to local business owners and citizens to let them know the problem is temporary. They say it can be solved in a couple of weeks. Pretty eye-opening either way. Especially when you consider that a similar incident happened in Las Vegas a couple of a years ago when a woman’s hair got scorched from sunlight reflecting off of the glass sided Vdara Hotel. I didn’t know these things could even happen!? Personally, when seeking a space to rest my vehicle, I try to find shaded areas. Usually they can be located near a tree or side of a building, depending on the time of day. I’ll surely continue this tradition with the knowledge I now have. The irrational fear of sun reflections melting your cars is no longer lunacy. It’s reality. Happy parking this week, folks. Issue 620 - 9/16/13
DIAMONDS A DOZEN They say a diamond is a girl’s best friend. They also say woman are from Venus. Where do these silly phrases come from? Marketing, essentially. The first quote is just an ad slogan. It’s since become a phrase linkable to “Dog is a man’s best friend”. Of course comparing dog’s and diamonds is asinine; with the friendly animal being superior. But as a man, I would think that. The second quote was a book about men and women. It was a best seller, and people have pretty much been using the phrase, along with “men are from mars” ever since. I’m about to blow both of these silly catchphrases away with some new scientific facts. I came upon an article this week from a couple of months back that suggests women may actually be from 55 Cancri e. Which, in turn, would explain the diamond thing. Space study people (lesser known as scientists) have made what some would consider a fascinating discovery. The team, led by a man named Nikku Madhusudhan, is a group of researchers at Yale. Smart people tend to go there, so you can believe this next part. They have discovered a planet twice the size of Earth. With immense density, it is their best guess that the planet’s surface is solid diamond! The name of the planet, officially, is 55 Cancri e. “The surface of this planet is likely covered in diamond and granite rather than water and granite” Madhusudhan said in a statement from Yale. He says that this is likely “our first glimpse of a rocky world with a fundamentally different chemistry from Earth.” Of course, as desirable as a diamond covered world sounds, it wouldn’t treat mankind too well. By calculating time intervals that the massive planet blocks out light from its host star, the team estimates that the planet makes its entire orbit in just 18 hours. That means this planets entire year is shorter than one day on Earth. The details are dizzying. The surface temperature is best guessed to be somewhere just under 4,000 degrees Fahrenheit. Too hot for this Colorado raised boy. Too hot for probably just about any living creature in the universe, I’m guessing. So you know I’m not touting a questionable story, the findings of this planet have been publicized in the Astrophysical Journal Letters; whatever that means. Unfortunately, with it being 40 light-years way in the constellation Cancer the Crab, the planet seems like an improbable place to mine. Despite its unique and valuable surface, don’t count on any Cancri-cut diamonds for your next engagement. I’m sure the extremely hot temperatures don’t help either. But perhaps, somewhere out there, Jared and Mr. Zale are fashioning an evil plan to journey to the planet. After forming a temporary alliance, they will travel and take their big Diamond Driller to extract the greatest shiny rocks the universe has ever seen. Their jewelry-based empires will grow to take over the world until erupting into an inevitable civil-war. Then we’ll all be caught up in a battle too ruthless to leave any survivors. We’ll be forced to build a ship capable of surviving any temperatures, hot and cold. As the Earth lays down for its dying breath, what remains of mankind will go to the only remaining safe haven in the Universe. Yes, 55 Cancri e! Oh, the irony. The sweet, sweet irony. Issue 621 - 9/23/13
TWO-PASSENGER RIDE We’ve all encountered the ever-dreadful backseat driver before. It’s common for people to butt heads so characteristic at a young age. After all, 16-year old drivers have a lot to learn; if there’s an adult in the back seat, they are usually more than willing to play the part of driving instructor. That’s all fine. The young kids need to learn. However, back seat driver syndrome is often a life-long disease. It never ends. No matter who is driving, or how well they are performing, back seat captains tend to criticize even the best drivers. It would almost be easier to just ride shotgun and actually give them a steering wheel back there. Then they could control the stroll, while you enjoy front row seats to A/C and your favorite radio programs. Turns out, someone pitched that exact idea to a custom car shop in Dubai and they said something to the effect of – that’s a great idea! That’s right folks, a new vehicle has hit the foreign market that actually allows a back seat driver; literally. The mid-sized SUV appears to be like most vehicles of its kind. There are two front seats and nothing about the exterior that looks strange or unique. It just looks like an average Joe’s vehicle. Until one looks inside, that is. The back row of the SUV, which would normally seat up to three passengers, has a single driver’s seat. The steering console is designed down the middle of the vehicle, between the two front seats. From the rear, a driver can operate the speed and steering of the vehicle. In no way can anyone in either of the two front seats gain control. The idea seems solid. It was designed for a chauffeur to drive. The front two seats are equipped with the best views, heating, cooling, and entertainment. There’s even two small television monitors that act as computer in front of each seat. With the exception of limousines and cars that Bruce Wayne would own, it’s a dream ride for anyone who has recently hired their own personal driver. As for the driver? Not so much a dream come true. A video made by the manufacturer, hoping to prove how logical the design was, shows the viewer that visibility is clearly an issue. The driver (and creator) of the exclusive SUV was slow to maneuver. It seems the idea of giving passengers the best view of the road has some disadvantages. Who would’ve thought? In fairness, the vehicle does offer some unique and wise concepts. For example, why do we put the driver on the left or right of a vehicle? Doesn’t the center make more sense? There, the captain of the vehicle has equal distance from each side of the road, as well as more visibility to all of his mirrors and windows. The front seat luxury thing is also pretty cool. Now two people can call “shotgun” instead of one! Then again, this vehicle makes little sense for families with young children. It also has two less passenger seats than an average vehicle of the same size. Maybe more storage room is a good selling point for it? Regardless of what people may think about the one-of-a-kind mid-sized automobile, it’s out there, on the road, as you read this article. It has sparked controversy, but not enough to make it illegal. The designer did a fantastic job of making every feature up to code and professional. At best, supporters claim the vehicle will be a great new luxury for adults to purchase. At worst, doubters say the potential for accidents, injuries, and death should overcome the cool concept of this car. My best guess is that reality rests somewhere in the middle. Issue 622 - 9/30/13
BABY BEATS About a month ago, children and teens alike returned to the cruel full-time job they refer to as school. Whether it be grade, middle, or high, most adolescence view going to school on a daily basis negatively. Sure, some teenagers enjoy seeing their friends and driving their cars before and after classes, but for the most part they don’t want to be there. Who can blame them? Wouldn’t we all rather be living up our youth with minimal responsibilities and maximum opportunities to do stupid and fun things? If you’re really, really young however, fun and stupid seems to govern regular day-to-day activity. I’m speaking of toddlers specifically. Pre-school is actually a pretty popular grade among attendees. You get to color and take a nap. They give you an A+. Imagine that. So what if I told you that pre-school got less academic and more fun all at once!? I’m referring to a new Brooklyn pre-school ran out of a thrift store that teaches infants and toddlers to mix and produce beats. It’s DJ’ing school exclusively for people who have yet to fully develop their motor skills. The name is Cool Pony. The game is electronic music for babies. Founded by semi-renown DJ/composer Natalie Elizabeth Weiss, the school aims to teach a new form of music to children at a young age. “The difference between listening to Mozart and electronic music is that you can’t pick up a Cello when you’re three months old but you can push play” Weiss is quoted saying, in what feels like a statement to her skeptics. And with that, she has a point. Learning music is considered a great hobby for children to pick up at a young age. It stimulates the mind and has been associated with better brain development in several studies. But what instrument can a child learn at 2-years old? Realistically, none. But who says it must be an instrument they learn? EMC, or Electronic Dance Music, has taken the world - and the charts - by storm over the last decade. There is no easier form of music to learn than being a DJ. In one of Weiss’s music classes, all six students were under the age of 3. That’s incredible. Where else can toddlers legitimately learn a musical skill at such a fragile age? Nowhere that I’ve heard of. Of course, the feat is only impressive if the kids are actually learning. Based on a Youtube video of a 4-year old former student of the makeshift-academy, I’d say they’re picking up on authentic DJ techniques. Weiss seems to be a consummate professional when it comes to teaching her craft. Cool Pony is one of the hottest spots for young families in Brooklyn these days. It is more appealing to the wealthy however, as patrons are asked to pay $200 per 45-minute class. But, you know what they say – If you want to drop the beat, you gotta drop the cash! Oh wait, I just came up with that myself. Maybe I should start a class for toddlers where I instruct them in the art of made up slogans! (Thinking) I could build an empire. (Thinking more) in downtown Monument. This is a gold mine. I’ll call it Awesome Possum. See you all next week, when I’ll give you the official web address to enroll your children in the Awesome Possum Academy (APA) for the low tuition of $30,000 a semester. Don’t miss this opportunity! Issue 623 - 10/7/13
TURTLE POWER I recently had a memory from my time in preschool. It seems like another life now. I don’t even remember what house I lived in; what school I attended. I do recall, on about the third or fourth day of school, bringing my Ninja Turtle Action Figure to class. It’s one of my only memories from that pre-school. The reason I remember is because I really liked that toy. It would eventually lead to the ruin of the giant Barbie house the girls had set up in the middle of the playroom. Raphael invaded the home and ran out Barbie and her friends. For a moment there, the kingdom was ours. Then I realized I was playing with three girls and I had better save some face and go outside with the boys. I never claimed that Barbie Mansion again. Of course today, life looks so differently. Instead of racing away from girls, I’m married to one. Instead of playing with our toys and imagining worlds within a playground, my friends and I have to schedule out time to Skype and email each other from distant lands. It’s amazing what time does. Luckily, there’s always a piece of our past. I recently discovered that the Raphael action figure I once adored is up for the Hall of Fame! He’s with the rest of his gang; Donatello, Michelangelo, and Leonardo at his side. Every year new toys gets inducted into the National Toy Hall of Fame. The hall is in Rochester, NY and was established in 1998. The induction class in 1998 included 11 toys. That was the beginning. Now, the National Toy people limit the number of yearly entries. Early classes included classics for all generations. Toys like Teddy Bear, Crayola Crayons, LEGO, and Frisbee littered the Hall in its inaugural year. Even through the year 2000, the Hall still inducted up to 5 toys annually. Since, things have changed. For the last decade or so, with few exceptions, the Hall only inducts two new toys a year. The criteria however, is the same. The National Toy Hall of Fame has a mission statement of sorts - to recognize toys that have engaged and delighted multiple generations, inspiring them to learn, create, and discover through play. That’s a tall order. Best of all though, it’s up to the people to decide the nominees. The Toy Hall has a website (www.ToyHallOfFame.org). On that site, citizens are free to fill out the nomination form throughout the year. Come induction time, the people upstairs will tally the votes and select the most popular nominations. The candidates this year are some tough cookies. Their fate will be decided on, as it is every year, by a panel of historians and educators. It’s going to be a sprint to the finish. We have timeless classics like Magic Eight Ball, Little Green Army Men, Bubbles, and Nerf Guns. There are also a couple of Board Games nominated in Chess and Clue. Then there are the underdogs – Fisher-Price Little People, Pac-Man, The Rubber Duck, The Scooter, and of course my beloved Ninja Turtle Action Figures. What’s your favorite toy in the bunch? Are you rooting for any childhood favorites to make it into the National Toy Hall? I know I’m pulling for my little green action figures, even if I know they reside in the “underdog” category. But honestly, we need this. I mean, it’s been 15 years now since Barbie was inducted. She couldn’t even defend her own turf against one of the Turtles, much less the whole clan! We’ll have to wait and see. This month, a chosen panel will select two winners from the bunch to be officially inducted on November 7th. Good luck Raphael, and goodbye old friend. Issue 624 - 10/14/13
SHARK ATTACK! The Godfather Trilogy is one of the most important and recognized film series in American cinema history. Most people have seen the movies. They coined several memorable quotes like, “I’m gonna make him an offer he can’t refuse”, “Keep your friends close and your enemies closer”, and “Revenge is a gift that taste best when served cold”. These are quotes and phrases I’ve heard all my life. Some of them, I never knew were being quoted from a movie until I saw it. Anyway, there’s this scene in the first movie where the Corleone family receives a message by the Sicilians. It’s a fish wrapped in Luca Brasi’s bulletproof vest. Then, a character named Sal says, “It’s a Sicilian message. It means Lucas Brasi sleeps with the fishes”. How many times have you heard that quote (sarcastically, hopefully) as a metaphor? It’s always been the go-to expression for threatening someone’s life. Again, sarcastically I hope. That’s how legendary of a quote it is. Most people don’t even know that it came from the movie. It’s one of those phrases that’s always been there – sleep with the fishes. However, it took a man by the name of Brett McBride to take the quote literally; proving a point along the way. The 46-year old McBride is a shark wrangler and the captain of the science vessel Ocearch. He recently swam to the bottom of the ocean during an actual shark feeding frenzy. In fact, there were 500 sharks in total, within the area he swam. Then, like any shark wrestler would, he dozed off; fell asleep, for a whole minute. I’m sure a minute seems much longer when resting among hundreds of flesh eating sharks. But that didn’t bother McBride. No, he literally slept with the fishes, then lived to see the next day. McBride was proving a point. He says, “It just shows you how bad a rep sharks get. They’re just like any other fish” in a quote from CNN. The message is simple. McBride says that if you pay no attention to sharks, they’ll pay none to you. In the same quote, he goes on to tell, “Galapagos sharks, they’re not big mammal eaters. It would take them probably hours to get the courage up to attack you if you were adrift at sea”. It would be nice to get two, maybe three hours. But McBride had a point. Perhaps we fear sharks because of the media hype and cinematic portrayal of sharks. In reality, there are only about 4 fatal shark attacks a year. That’s out of the entire world; think about that. It’s extremely rare. In fact most shark attacks are non-fatal. Despite popular belief, sharks do not attack humans for feeding purposes. It usually has to do with feeling threatened. The usual method of attack for the animal, is to “hit-and-run”. They bite, then bail. Meaning most attack victims are survivors. Not to mention there are over 400 species of shark. Only 3 of the 400-plus species are responsible for shark attacks (with a couple exceptions). Your odds of encountering one of the dangerous species are slim to none. So why do we fear sharks so much? Who knows? It’s been a long time in the making. But the expert McBride says that fear can only lead to potential trouble. “When I’m in the water and see a shark, I can keep my fear completely under control, which helps me because they feel your heartbeat, your sweat”. So there you have it. From the man who sleeps with the fishes himself. You cannot succumb to what you do not fear – you can quote me on that. Issue 625 - 10/21/13
DOUBLE STUFFED DECEIT Are you prepared to read what may be the most unique Nick Snips article ever? Sure I’ve written about weird and wacky things before; stupid criminals, stories from space, and pointless rants about bizarre and irrelevant events all top the list. But this article is in a league of its own. You see, it’s not the actual content of the column that is unique, but rather the whole idea to write about the content. I know… that was confusing. Let me explain. When I started Nick Snips in 1984, I had a mission in mind – to tell the world about the most underreported story of the week. I was determined to tell people about the stories the mainstream media was trying to hide from them. I was a rebel, with a cause. Of course times change and people age, but I’ve always kept the basic philosophy of Nick Snips over the last 29 years. Today I bring to your feet an extremely over reported story. But I can’t resist. It’s just so ridiculous. As you may have already heard on any major news network, a recent study suggests that Oreo cookies are in fact more addictive than the illegal substance known as Cocaine! The story broke last week when a team of undergraduate students at Connecticut College stumbled upon some evidence that suggested such. Originally, the students were trying to examine the obesity epidemic in low-income families, and how it related to junk food. What they found was baffling to many. In a “maze experiment”, researchers gave lab rats two options. They could either explore the maze with Oreo’s at the end, or the maze with rice cakes. After little internal debate, the rats went with the Oreo’s (duh). Similar experiments were done with Cocaine and rice cakes, and the results were eerily similar. However, brain scans show that the “pleasure” area of the brain was illuminated more when they received Oreo’s then when they received the drugs. For those who don’t know, lab rats are used in experiments because their brains scan similarly to human’s. Our emotions, actions, and reflexes are thought to all be processed in the same area as rats. I know it’s demeaning, but it’s true. The shame is - what was originally supposed to be a study to help solve a major problem for families in poverty has become a national headline that supports binge-eating cookie mongers. Now, all of the sudden, it’s not so bad if you eat two packs of Oreo’s a day. I, your humble correspondent, am here to rid you of the mainstream media lies! First of all, this study has yet to be published in any major or respected scientific journal. More than that, the study gave absolutely no evidence to the theory that the rats were actually addicted to the cookies. It just showed that they had a desire to seek Oreo cookies equal or greater than the desire to seek Cocaine. But addiction, as many regret-filled people know, is a whole other animal. Oreo’s are not more addictive than Crack-Cocaine. Hate to break the heart of every proud Oreo over-eater, but that’s the truth. The media wants you to think it is okay to eat an entire box in one sitting; but it’s not. Just eat half the box. If for no other reason then now, you don’t have any excuses. What’s that you say? I sold out? I used an over reported story to get a cheap print? Not exactly. You see, the most underreported story of the week was the truth about the now famous Oreo article. This study should be exposed as a lie; it’s authors as hacks. Finally, it has been done. You’re welcome America. And the ever-honorable mission of Nick Snips lives on… Issue 626 - 10/28/13
ONE NIGHT STAND It has come again; the one day when nobody expects you to be yourself. Instead of being Jerry ‘the office guy’, you can be a Vampire, a Zombie, or a Pirate. You can talk with a different voice and walk with flamboyant posture and nobody will think twice about it. It’s a time when being yourself is frowned upon. It’s Halloween; the fun-filled Thursday packed with parties and free candy. To most people, Halloween is an abnormal day; it’s a change of pace. Different costumes and characters are born annually, only to wither away in the memories of friends and family. For one night only, most American’s will seek to have the sexiest, coolest, or funniest costume. Then there are a few folks out there in world who feel that Halloween is one of the rare days that makes sense to them – it makes them normal. I’m talking about the subculture known as “Furries”. They are a small group of people who want to live life as an animal. So, instead of wearing jeans and a T-shirt, these people generally prefer to wear animal ears, tails, and paws, in an attempt to live life as that creature. They even change their name sometimes. First identified in the 1920’s, Furries seem to be popping up more and more in modern society. In fact, if you research it online, you’ll find most cities have social groups or weekly meeting for Furries; think Bowling or Movie Nights once a week. It’s a time when they are able to gather with people who don’t judge them or frown upon their way of life. I recently stumbled upon an article about one of the more extreme Furry enthusiasts out there. His name is Gary Mathews, or as he would prefer - Boomer the Dog. The 47-year old former IT Technician (he is now unemployed) Gary, I mean Boomer, wears a collar with his full body dog suite every day. He even walks around on all fours and eats food out of a bowl, when he can. Named after the short lived NBC series Here’s Boomer, a show about a friendly hound who helped people in need, Boomer the Dog is trying to pull off what no human has before – legally becoming a canine. Of course his recent attempt to legally change his name to Boomer the Dog was denied by a state judge. The reason was stated that he could ultimately “put the public welfare at risk” with the change. An example given was this – if he were to witness a car accident and call it in to 911 under the name Boomer the Dog, the operator could think it was a child’s prank, and not respond. Fair enough. “I really wish they do figure out (how to turn humans into dogs) so I can do that!” Gary said in an interview with The Huffington Post. What do you make of all this? A person trying to live as an animal is certainly taboo. Is it unhealthy? I think most people agree that in moderation, anything is acceptable. Take Halloween. For just those couple of hours every year, we’re fine with people wanting to be somebody else. They can be an evil monster or a friendly kitten for just that evening; a one night stand. But the next day, we expect them to put away the costume and stop the charade. The next day, it’s time to go back to work and be a regular functioning member of society. There are those who refuse to meet that quota. They choose to stand up and be different – something that’s known to be celebrated in our country from time to time. I say, if the Furries want to live their life as something different, so be it. Let them become a dog, cat, panther, or parrot. Just keep them away from my children. Issue 627 - 11/4/13
FLOATING ROCKS Imagine darkness and dust. A grey wasteland only colored by the memories of those who used to inhabit the land. A scan of this unadorned atmosphere would only yield hopelessness and disappointment. There is no life. At least, not at first glance. But deep down, underneath the tattered Earth, you’ll find the living; nestled together in a hole. In these secret tunnels are the most important handful of people who are currently living. They are the scientists, political leaders, and high priests of society. They are our best chance. They work tirelessly to rebuild. The scenario you just read was a fictional illustration of what Earth could be like if hit by a massive asteroid someday. And - not to send out panic in my usually-playful Nick Snips column – it’s not as unlikely as you may think. Recent journalistic digging has revealed that scientists and “important people” have actually been preparing for such an event. They’ve been doing it for years, too. But recently, things have gotten serious. In fact, members of the U.N. gathered with renowned astronauts and cosmonauts last week in New York City. The purpose of their meeting was to form the first ever official Contingency Plan for Earth, should it encounter a catastrophic asteroid strike. It’s about time, too. Scientists estimate there are roughly 1-million asteroids floating around in space that are a potential threat to Earth. That’s too many for my liking! More than that, the experts say there are at least 100-times more asteroids out there than we think there are! Luckily, we’ve got people on the case. In fact, a non-profit organization called the B612 Foundation has been on top of the issue since 2008 (the year that I graduated from High School – coincidence? I think not). They even started constructing a privately funded space telescope, whose entire purpose is to find undetected asteroids in space. But, the wait is long. The organization hopes to launch the machine in 2018. And what happens until then? Well, maybe this U.N./Astronaut collaboration will yield some hope? Not likely. In fact, other than talking about an official Contingency Plan for Earth, all the meeting really accomplished was, and I quote, “improve public awareness for the threats at hand”. Well, I can’t say I didn’t do my part. I mean, now you’re informed. That’s awareness at its finest. But I call shenanigans! I say the coalition met for one real purpose – to build the underground tunnel that only they will gain access to. I mean, it’s the only thing that makes sense. Why fly everyone out to New York City to raise awareness? Heck, I’m about the only person who even reported this obscure meeting, making the awareness growth about 7,000 people at the most. No, we’re smarter than that America. They’re building the underground base. I’m willing to bet some of the high clearance military people within our own community know about it. But I’d bet against them giving you a get-in-free card. After all, it’s only for the biggest and brightest. It’s for the greatest minds of our universe. It’s for innovators and intimidators. It’s for thinkers and dreamers. It’s for successful, rich, powerful humans and aliens alike. I wonder if they’ll let me in? Issue 628 - 11/11/13
INTERNET KILLED THE VIDEO STORE Blue and yellow. Such a simple and effective color scheme. One that was etched into the minds of anyone in the 1990’s seeking video entertainment. It was an empire; a big business kingpin. Blockbuster video was like nothing I’d ever seen. Just months after movies left theaters, they were available at this local and convenient video store. I mean, who would’ve thought it would be so simple to watch the newest and trendiest flicks? All it took was a quick drive to the store and a little browsing. It was instantaneous; almost. Unfortunately for the big wigs at Blockbuster video, the word instantaneous would become more literal as the digital age settled in. With each passing year, the idea of renting physical videos would become arduous and futile. It was all about streaming. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you – the Eulogy of Blockbuster. On Wednesday, November 6th, 2013 Dish Network (owner of Blockbuster since 2011) announced it would be officially closing all Blockbuster Video locations this year. It was the final nail in a long anticipated coffin for the once fruitful franchise. It’s hard not to remember the company fondly. As a kid, I anticipated taking home VHS’s from the rental store. My brother and I would beg my mom for the latest animated family film. A rental was so cheap, so easy. Then DVD came out. At first, there would be one or two discs at the end of each shelf of new releases. It was an afterthought; a fun new technology for rich people to play with (think 3DTV’s right now). Then, overnight, it changed. I actually remember the day when the VHS and DVD traded places. Suddenly there were only a few non-discs left on the shelves. It was all DVD. It happened so quickly. It was the beginning of the end. HD, 3D, and IMAX quality would follow and intrigue cinema fans old and young. It was impossible to not get wrapped up in all the progress. Our picture was better. Our sound was punchier. The special effects were amazing. It only needed one final leap – to be accessible on the internet. Sure enough, short-time rival company Netflix figured it all out. They made their content – filled with current and classic movies and television shows – easily downloadable from any computer. It was called streaming and it took over the world. That day, driving to the store became inconvenient. Paying over a dollar per film seemed pricy. Why wouldn’t you just pay monthly? Then you could have unlimited films! Yes, the world moved on and Blockbuster stayed the same. It’s a tragedy of sorts. Almost every movie I loved as a kid I rented from Blockbuster for the first time. I would have never been exposed to such wonders and cinematic magic without them. They were officially an old school business model. In a matter of years their entire marketing strategy, once considered brilliant, was flimsy and outdated. But still, I thought they might survive. The Monument store closed down in favor of Asian dining a few years back. We all saw it go. No one cared. We had our movies. We didn’t need Blockbuster anymore. We were better off now. Even still, some stores survived. Despite all of the reasons to avoid renting movies the old fashion way, some folks were still out doing it, keeping the rental stores in business. Until Wedneday came and Dish Net officially announced it was over. That’s right, you can keep those old movies you never returned. They’re officially waiving the late fee. In this moment, it’s important to recognize how quickly success can turn to failure. It’s important to remember the good times. And as always, it’s important to “be kind, please rewind”. If only they could rewind… Issue 629 - 11/18/13
THE UNLIKELY CANDIDATES In mankind’s exceptional history, there have been some classic rivalries between people who would, at first sight, appear to be allies. In a fictional world, superheroes like Batman and Superman simply don’t get along; yet both supposedly stand for the same form of justice and integrity. What gives? Sometimes, two close entities are forced to become rivals, as nothing more than victims of circumstance. This is much more understandable. For example, when brothers’ John and Jim Harbaugh were opponents at last years Super Bowl, it had more to do with chance and luck than anything else. This kind of unlikely competition is usually healthy. Which brings us to Waterville, Maine. A couple of weeks ago, towns and cities all over America voted on issues facing their communities. While not nearly the spectacle of presidential elections, local elections are important to take part in. It does after all, directly affect the locals. Often times in such small elections, blank spots are found on the ballot. Such was the case in the small town of Waterville. There was no one willing to run for Warden. Good thing there happened to be two brave citizens willing to stand up for what they believe in. One a democrat, the other a republican. Nothing too unusual, right? Other than the fact that the two candidates were husband and wife. “It really started as this kind of ha-ha thing between the two of us, and then the local reporter commented it, and then it got picked up,” Jennifer Johnson said in a statement to TODAY.com. It was never meant to be any huge deal, she says, “It started out as kind of a joke”. But serious it was – when no one else in the community stood a chance. In fact both Jessica and her husband Dave were the only members of their ward to show up at the caucus. So they ran; pulling out literally none of the stops. They didn’t even run smear campaigns against one another, despite having every ounce of dirt on the opposing candidate! No, instead, Jessica and Dave Johnson did the unthinkable. They allowed the voters to decide who they thought would make a better Warden for the community. Imagine that. As it turned out, Jessica won the battle by a final tally of 127-76 votes. She now has the imperative responsibility to assist poll workers on Election Day. She also must work a minimum of one, and maximum of two, days a year! Talk about a commitment to serve. As worthless as it all seems, Jennifer had some sound advice in her never-ending TODAY.com quote, “Whether you’re talking about a Republican or Democrat, it shouldn’t be hard to listen and say I don’t agree with what you’re saying, but I don’t think you’re coming from a place of stupidity or hatred”. She finished with a nice antidote, “Nobody is all bad or all good”. True that, Jessica Johnson. However this news story is perhaps the most dreadful of the year. This was reported on major networks! ‘Then why are you reporting it in Nick Snips?’ you ask. Well, you didn’t know just how dreadful a story it was until now. And as the people of Waterville, Maine could surely tell you – you have to stay informed folks. Issue 630 - 11/25/13
THE RETAIL REVOLUTION It’s that time of year again; the holidays have come around. This week it all kicks off with my personal favorite – Thanksgiving. On this precious day we are served with a giant feast, football, and pie. Usually the day is spent relaxing with friends and family; sharing funny stories, playing board games, or just enjoying the stress free environment and doing nothing. It’s a day of freedom. Well, that is, for some of us. In case you haven’t heard, some companies have chosen to taint the sacred day of Thanksgiving by starting “Black Thursday”. Instead of busting open their doors early Friday morning, many stores are opening on Thursday evening this year, giving shoppers a whole new opportunity to get the lowest prices of the year. This of course forces retail workers, many who are getting minimum wage, to work on what was once a stress-free day. They don’t get to sit out the day watching football. They don’t get to eat seconds when the sun goes down. Instead, they’ll put on their (usually) tacky uniforms and bust out a good 8-hours. This has led to controversy in the media. Some say it is a testimony to the greedy and ungrateful American culture of today; on the same day when we are supposed to be grateful for the things we have, we are rushing like madmen to buy the things we want. Others say it is a verification to capitalism. If they can do it, and the shoppers will come, they have every right. And for the most part, they are correct. If the consumer refused to waste their Thanksgiving standing in line to save a couple bucks, then the companies would have no reason to open early. If they didn’t count on record breaking sales, they would revise their plan. If we could just wait until Friday morning to buy our new computers, PS4’s, TV’s, and holiday gifts, then the companies would lose money this year. It would be an epic revolution! Of course, there’s no chance of such a thing happening. Instead, retail giants like Walmart, Kohl’s, Sears, Best Buy, and The Gap will see Earth-shattering numbers that convince them to open even earlier next year. If you don’t believe me, it’s already happening. Last year Walmart saw success in its then-rebellious move to open Thanksgiving Day at 8pm. As a result, they’re opening at 6m this year. In an answer to this boldness, K-Mart has decided to open its doors at 6am on Thanksgiving Day! They will stay open throughout the night, and close its doors at regular time that Friday night. That must be an unpopular decision among K-Mart employees. Logically, every single worker will have to work a shift on the holiday. But it all comes back to you, America. I will defend K-Mart, Walmart, and Best Buy. All they continue to do is make good business decisions. Guess what? It’s made them all retail giants. So kudos to them; if only we could all make such bold and effective decisions. Oh wait, we can make those decisions. Because they don’t make money if no one is spending it. So this is it folks. I’m giving you a couple of days to make up your mind. I for one, am plannign to buy a shiny new laptop. I’m unsure of where I can get the best deal as of now, so Thursday, after dinner, I’ll start scanning ads and newspapers to see where my best bet is. Shopping can be fun, after all. Especially on a day as crazy as Black Friday. But after I’m finished ripping through the sale-papers on Thanksgiving, I’m going to sit down with my father and watch the Thursday Night Football game between Pittsburgh Steelers and the Baltimore Ravens (I think the Ravens win, beginning their march towards a 6th seed in the playoffs). We’ll yell and shout at the TV. We’ll eat more pie. We’ll argue over the rules. We’ll see how we faired in my uncle’s weekly football pool. Then, when it’s all over, I’ll go to bed. After all, I’ve got to wake up early for shopping on Black Friday. Issue 631 - 12/2/13
THE HEFTY HOLIDAYS How was your Thanksgiving my Colorado companions? Seeing that you can’t actually answer such a question without going through the trouble of emailing me personally – I’ll assume it was like most others. You probably watched a lot of television, ate a lot of food, and put up with your favorite (and least favorite) relatives. Good for you! You’ve accomplished exactly what you set out to accomplish. Now comes the hard part; the home stretch. Christmas is just under four weeks away. It’s likely that you’re planning another big family dinner for that special day. Unfortunately, epic family feasts usually result in unwanted weight gain. So, here’s a special edition of Nick Snips for you with some conventional and not-so-conventional ways to shed the extra pounds this holiday season. The Regular Human Being: Our first category applies to those who are sane and have good intentions. After a little bit of research, keeping your weight in check doesn’t seem as difficult as you might think. Strangely, the average American gains one to two pounds every year. I’m willing to bet half of those people gain it around this time of year. But did you know that cutting a measly 100 calories a day could stop that weight gain? Here’s some tips to cut out an easy-100. Talk; Take a Walk – standing and moving is a small, but effective, calorie killer. So next time you get a ring on the old cellular phone, put on some shoes and take a stroll down the street or hall. Simple tasks such as this can easily burn an extra 100 calories a day. Drink Water – instead of soda, juice, and coffee. While some people claim to need the caffeine throughout the day, water is actually the most useful and effective beverage on Earth for any need. It’ll perk you up and it’s a whopping 0 calories. Sleep in – perhaps the most wonderful of all the weight loss tips, a good night sleep will help you shed your craving, according to some science-folks. A long night of shut eye will regulate your appetite, meaning you’ll have less of an urge to splurge on snacks and sweets. The Impractical Celebrity: I’m not trying to endorse crazy behavior here in our small community; but it’s your life. Here are some quick weight loss techniques used successfully by celebrities The Christian Bale – For his disturbing 2004 film The Machinist, Bale sustained himself on water, one apple, and one cup of coffee every day. That’s it. The result saw the 6-foot actor lose 65-pounds in just about two months. Talk about dedication, the actor explained the hardest part about the diet; avoiding temptation, “In the end I had to stop going out. I decided no more social life, no more friends, no more dinners, no more drinks”. Not ideal for the holiday season. The Lindsay Lohan – Notable celebrities like John Goodman lost tons of weight when they quit drinking alcohol. Lindsay tried the opposite approach, where her entire intake was alcohol and illegal substances. For weight loss, it worked brilliantly. But, as most of us know, it didn’t really do much for her day-to-day life. Certainly not recommended. The 50 Cent – The rapper/actor/producer went to great lengths, dropping almost 60-pounds in nine weeks, to play a sick patient in the underground movie Things Fall Apart. 50 Cent only drank liquids for nine weeks! No solids, whatsoever! He got the idea from a personal experience; when he was shot in the mouth back in 2000, he could only drink liquids for weeks. He did it then, why not now? What an inspiring story, huh? It’s worth noting that all of these actors quickly gained their weight back when they stopped the insanity. If you want to lose, or even just maintain weight through the holidays, stick to a healthy, reasonable diet. If you want to drop 50 or pounds in a couple of weeks in hopes of winning an Academy Award, I guess try the celebrity technique. But don’t be surprised when you don’t get nominated at all, and the tabloids turn on you. Issue 632 - 12/9/13
STAY CLASSY, COLORADO Advertising is a tricky game. Those who have mastered it are really just artists in human manipulation. It’s about a convincing attitude and deceitful message; most of the time, anyway. Sure, sometimes they give it to you straight – but that’s not advertising. True advertising is about creating a message that resonates with your target audience. You have to make them believe they need your product in their life. They “can’t live without it”. Lately, certain companies have taken unique and effective ad campaigns to dominate the industry. Usually, this is best done through television. Companies like Sonic have extremely recognizable television commercials. Who doesn’t know those two annoying guys who go to Sonic every day for burgers and shakes but don’t seem to gain any weight? One of my personal favorite television spots belongs to Dos Equis. ‘The Most Interesting Man in the World’ has certainly gotten my interest. Then there are characters like Flo, The Gecko, and The-Discount-Double-Check-guy (AKA NFL Superstar Quarterback Aaron Rogers). Those characters almost feel like real people to us. Recently a particular ad campaign has gotten my attention, to say the least. The recent television blitz of fictional newscaster Ron Burgundy, famous for his catch phrase “Stay classy, San Diego” has redefined movie hype. It’s pure brilliance. The wait for Anchorman 2 has been a long one. The original Anchorman was released in the early 2000’s (it was my first movie-date ever, in fact). The charming but shamelessly sexist Ron Burgundy (played by popular comedian Will Ferrell) won over the hearts of American movie goers a decade ago. Finally, Ferrell will reprise his role as the asinine news anchor this month, a couple of days before Christmas. While the movie has yet to be reviewed – it could be a total dud – you can’t say they didn’t do their absolute best to promote the film. For several months now we’ve seen the lead character Burgundy ramble non-sense in those Dodge Durango commercials. That’s all par for the course, though. What’s been happening over the last couple of weeks, however, has been a phenomenal bit of marketing. After surprising thousands of people by hijacking the Lead Anchor role on a local North Dakota news broadcast, Will Ferrell’s signature alter ego Ron Burgundy was also scheduled to host an entire episode of Sports Center. He even had an interview with Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning on ESPN.com! “You are one of the great Quarterbacks playing the game today” Burgundy opens with, “You’ve had a lot of success. And yet you’ve done it all without a mustache?” he asks confused. The anchorman continues, “You’re running out around there, and, I’m going to be honest with you” he confesses, “You look like a baby succulent lamb”. Of course Peyton, being the half-breed-celebrity he is now, played along like a pro, “I guess I just never had the desire to grown a mustache” said the 4-time MVP, “Eli tried to grow one a while back – without much success, I must say”. It was riot. And guess what? It was all for a film advertisement. Want to know the most amazing part? They didn’t even plug the movie! That’s right, Ron Burgundy has been so forced into our daily lives that they don’t even feel the need to plug the film in their own ad campaign. We’re just supposed to know. And why wouldn’t we? There’s been Ice Cream, Clothing, and even a brand of Ron Burgundy Scotch (made in Scotland) released on the shelves of most major retail and grocery stores. I’m not here to promote Anchorman 2; in theaters everywhere December 18th. In fact, I didn’t even enjoy the first one as much as everyone else did. Of course I was 12 or 13 at the time, but it didn’t go as well as I had built up in my head (it was my first movie date, after all). I’m just here to promote the promotion of Anchorman 2. It’s been flawless, if not inspiring. So the next time you see Ron Burgundy invading your television where he doesn’t belong, stand up. Applaud. And give respect to the greatest hype for a movie ever created. Issue 633 - 12/16/13
THE COOLEST THING EVER! Look at that, folks, the year flew by! Christmas is next week and before you know it, we’ll be singing Auld Lang Syne and clanking champagne glasses to welcome in 2014. This doesn’t mean much, in reality. The truth is some people think the “holidays” are commercialized and hyped to the point where the true meaning is completely lost. I stand neither here nor there on such accusations. I do however, owe you all a Christmas gift. You’ve already given your gift to me by simply flipping to this article every week. So, for my spectacular gift to you, I present an article about THE COOLEST THING EVER! It’s a bridge. One in China. I know, I know, it sounds underwhelming, but believe me, it’s not. The architectural genius of this bridge is mind numbing. In fact, the structure itself looks kind of like an illusion. The “Mobius” Bridge was designed in a competition by a Dutch firm named NEXT Architects; who won the bid to build the bridge. They created something that’s never been attempted before. A quick glance at the bridge will show you a series of weaving lines; up and down. It was designed based on a Mobius Ring, a one sided surface created by twisting and joining one end of a rectangle with its other fixed end. A simple pedestrian project; the bridge will span 490 feet long, by 78 feet high. The interwoven, spaghetti-bridge will span a river within the town of Meixi lake. Dutch firm NEXT Architects create the fascinating bridge based on a Mobius ring and ancient Chinese art. It brings into question why America is so far behind is awesome architecture. Sure we take pride in such structures like The St. Louis Arch, and the Empire State Building, but who are we kidding. These old time monuments are child’s play next to what we’re seeing the rest of the world take on. So, why the architectural drought? America has nearly 9,000 graduates with some kind of degree in Architecture every year! That’s a ton of professionals entering the work force every year. Now, in fairness, most of these young bright minds can’t be expected to reinvent American architecture. It should also be noted that in our great nation, safety and stability are upheld more so than any other nation on Earth; making sure the structure will function as it is intended is our number one priority. But still, that bridge in China makes me awful jealous. Can you imagine if after months and months of the highway construction we’ve had between North Gate and North Academy they unveiled an architecturally brilliant carpool lane that twisted and turned creating a fortune-cookie like pattern that wouldn’t be out of place in Neverland? That would be so awesome! I’d be stoked; and I’m sure most people would be. It would be impressive. It would be revolutionary. It would be every reason I like living in America. We’re supposed to be over-the-top and outrageous even when there’s no reason to be. So why are we letting China build THE COOLEST THING EVER? I’ve no answer for this deep, dark question. It opens up a lot of questions. And looking back, I see that my Christmas gift to you is nothing but a reminder of how careful we’ve become. Because come the end of 2014, China will have THE COOLEST THING EVER, and we’ll just have the Arch in Missouri. But it brings up a good goal; a potential solution even. Be great. Never settle for less. One day, perhaps you’ll reinvent the wheel. Perhaps you’ll try and fail. Either way, it’s important to be the best you can be. Try to remember that this is the Holiday season. Issue 634 - 12/23/13
TRADITIONS AND TRADEMARKS It’s been a whole year now. Yes, that’s right; you’ve been reading an entire year of the random banter better known as Nick Snips. What a year it’s been. There was a blackout at the Super Bowl. There were political mishaps and miracles; world tragedies and triumphs. There was the meteoric rise of Miley Cyrus. 2013 brought a tornado of new ideas. The year also saw us bid farewell to old memories and ways of life. While Nick Snips came to fruition, another former stepping stone was stomped. So, quickly, I’ll tell you the story of this young writer’s journey to the middle. If you recall, Nick Snips was not my first venture into a journalistic career at the vivacious paper-magazine, Snippetz. No, as a younger man I found myself writing a glorified advertisement every week for a little local establishment known as Pinz Bowling Center (I clearly have a thing for companies that end in the letter ‘z’). Many of you probably remember Pinz for its handsome brown-haired Kitchen and Front Desk worker (wink). Some of you may better remember it because four times a month you found yourself reading a misleading article that eventually traveled down a path of shameless advertising for bowling leagues, pizza, and bar parties. It was a fun time writing those articles. But eventually, all good things come to an end. Fortunately for aspiring young writers in Monument, Colorado – there’s always something on the horizon when you work for a charming Chicago-bred newspaper mogul who adores your special brand of charm. So in the end, I was able to continue writing my articles with more freedom than ever. I mean, have you ever read a Nick Snips? Over half of them literally have nothing to do with your day to day life. It’s fantastic. I’m getting to a point here, I swear. The thing is, I miss something about those Pinz’ articles. Every year I had a holiday party or Christmas special to promote. So, for those couple of years, I wrote a poem the week of Christmas. It was from Pinz to you; like a special little stocking stuffer, guaranteed every year to whiten your smile. I usually based it on a poem that was already written, changing rhymes here and there to apply especially to the subject at hand. Bottom line – while some things have to change with the pass of the holidays and the turning of the year, there’s some traditions you should never let go of; like your Christmas tree. Or perhaps a special dish your grandma makes. Or, for a better example, my awesome holiday poem! So here it is, a brand new annual poem, from me to you: LISTENING FOR SNIPPETZ By Nick Yanez (Based on the poem Listening for Santa by Annabel Sheila) A squeak on the stairs. Could Santa be here? Better find your blankets, Pull them to your ears He comes by the chimney, That’s how he gets in Santa uses magic, they say To make himself thin You better keep still, Can’t make a peep. He doesn’t leave toys, Unless you’re asleep The door just opened Someone’s in your store! It wasn’t Santa after all, Just jolly saint George He’s bringing your Snippetz That paper you need To make your day better It’s enlightening to read And by day, Oh my, What were you thinking? Santa only comes By night, and he’s sneaky But today you have George And that paper to treasure Two days before Christmas To read at your pleasure And thank you dear reader, as I write on this pad, For reading our paper We’re grateful and glad Have a very Merry Christmas as you’re filled with good cheer, For, in a place like this, How could you not have a Happy New Year? Issue 635 - 12/30/13
FROM STREET TO THE BEAT Do you like rock n’ roll? Back in the day, it seemed the revolutionary genre was pretty controversial. But, as they say, time heals all wounds. Over the past 50 years, Rock n’ Roll has become a pretty universally accepted genre. Whether it be the early days of Elvis, the ambitious and rambunctious shenanigans of The Who, or the shameless 80’s hair metal of Def Leppard, most generations have come to accept and love classic Rock n’ Roll. Unfortunately, most of these great rockers weren’t exactly saints. Many passed away at a young age or found themselves and their families buried in the aftermath of bad life decisions. Which is why today I bring you some good news (for the most part). So often we only hear negative news stories about famous people who are supposed to act as idols and role models; but there are good ones out there too. Take for example, Spanish guitar legend Carlos Santana…. It started in Oakland, CA. Local news affiliate KRON Channel 4 was doing a report on the struggles of homelessness in the bay area. They interviewed a man who identified himself as Marcus Malone, just as he was burrowing through a city dumpster. After a short interview with the station, Malone revealed something unexpected about himself. To everyone’s surprise, he told the sobering story of his downfall, “At one point I was with the Santana band” he explained, “the original Santana Blues Band… Now I’m homeless and on the streets” Marcus Malone didn’t end up there by chance alone. He actually committed a crime back in 1969; he was convicted and sentenced to prison that year. After spending time in the slammer, Malone lost contact with Santana, only to watch his bandmate soar to international fame. In fact, it was the year Malone spent in prison that Santana was signed to his first record deal! Talk about bad timing. Santana would go on to release countless records, hit songs, and snag 10 Grammy Awards. He is also a member of the Rock n’ Roll Hall of Fame (class of 1998). In fact, that Hall of Fame membership goes to every member of Santana’s band too. Yet another missed opportunity for Malone. Luckily, this story gets less depressing. It turns out, Santana had tried recently tracking down Marcus Malone, and when the station heard his story, the members of KRON reached out to the famous singer and reunited the two lost bandmates! They caught the whole thing on camera – Carlos Santana running into the arms of his shocked and beat-down former bandmate. It was really a sight to see. Then, in an even more heartwarming turn of events, Santana said he is getting Malone off the streets and back in the studio! Can you imagine? You’ve thrown your whole life away, gone to prison, lost your family and friends. You’re alone, without a roof over your head, and the next day you’re recording with a rock n’ roll legend in a multi-million dollar recording studio!? It just goes to show that there are still good people out there, famous and non-famous. It also goes to show that it’s never over. Sometimes it takes a random sequence of events or a grand act of kindness from an old friend. Sometimes, it just takes some good old fashioned hard work – but it’s never too late to turn your life around. It’s never too late to follow a dream. So, as we bring in this New Year together, let’s not fool ourselves. 2014 will not bring you a new career, body, or bank account. It will not fix all of your problems. But if you decide to, right now, 2014 could be the year you take the step towards liberation, and never look back. Happy New Year folks! |
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