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ISSUE 649
TEENAGERS Every adult has experienced adolescence, but not all adults know how to connect with teenagers. If you have teenagers at home, you may be pulling your hair out right now. It’s well known that teenagers go through hormonal changes, sometimes beginning as young as age eleven. These hormonal changes can many times add intensity to the teen’s behaviors. Understanding this is important, because what teens eat and drink will contribute to those hormonal changes in a negative or positive manner. When children and teens eat a lot of processed foods, refined sugar, and fast food, it will impact their brain in such a way that it can be difficult for them to fully process their emotions and thoughts. Many times, the emotions and thoughts get processed halfway and they react on those in an uncomfortable and disrespectful manner. Establishing a healthy diet begins at home and very early. Genetically modified foods have also been linked to behaviors that might be labeled ADD or ADHD. Aside from diet that can take hours to research, many teenagers do not feel understood and many carry anger for a variety of reasons. In my experience, teens have carried anger as the result of being labeled, judged, abused, and misunderstood most of the time. It becomes a survival mechanism to be angry and push people away. When a teen pushes away his or her parent/s, anger within the parents can be the result. That parent may push back and arguments ensue. Then the argument ends (many times with slammed doors), silence for a while, and lack of communication occurs that leads up to the next argument. It’s a vicious cycle. Optimally, parents want to deeply bond with their children at or prior to birth. When bonding occurs, few problems are seen during the adolescent stage (unless some other trauma occurs outside the home). However, when one or both parents do not deeply bond (this goes above and beyond love) with their young child, the consequences can be most obvious in adolescence. If you’re expecting a child or have young children, NOW is the time to bond. If a teenager is already angry, defiant, and uncooperative, parents can begin with offering understanding and creating a safe place to communicate frustrations without judgment. Begin establishing a line of continued communication and remove any and all judgment. Do create boundaries, expectations, and discernment, but once judgment comes into the picture, the teen will most likely shut down. This is not about coddling; it’s about creating a mutually respectful relationship and a safe home. Next, set the example you want your teen to follow. If you want your teen to follow through with agreements, then make sure that you are already doing that. If you want your teen to be honest, you need to as well. Never ask your teen to do what you’re not willing to do yourself. Set the example with self-integrity. Examples are much louder than words. There can be many suggestions to offer in how to create a harmonious relationship with your teen. One final suggestion here is to create play in the family. Take time to play; spend time or offer to spend time with your teen doing what he or she wants to do. Keep your mind focused on them during that time and be invested in establishing that strong relationship. Adolescence eventually ends. Hopefully the relationship with your child is a life-long one. Tami Urbanek Issue 651
THE YEARNING OF BABES Right after I pulled into the parking lot of a local grocery store and began the short walk to the store, I noticed a young couple with a little girl as they were getting out of their run-down car. They both looked stressed, tired, and impatient, while the little girl was not acting ‘right’ and the mother became irritated very quickly. I also noticed that the little girl, who appeared to be around age four, wanted to hold her father’s hand. He refused her request. She cried. He let her hold his hand. My heart went out to her desire for love and affection. A short time later as I was choosing my items in the grocery store, I saw them again. The little girl had touched something or was doing something annoying and the mother became irritated. The child began to cry at the mother’s harsh reprimand and I could hear the mother also say, “Stop touching things!” as I walked away. I wasn’t sure if I had heard a light slap; I was hoping I hadn’t. It pains me to know when parents hit their children. Walking away, I thought, ‘Children just want to be children. They touch things, they want to cuddle, they want your attention, they’re curious. They yearn for love, affection, and the freedom to learn.’ Part of me wanted to say something and part of me could see the potential judgment in their eyes. I was probably fifteen years older than them. I had my office clothes on, my nice purse and NO children hanging on me asking me for ongoing attention. I wasn’t stressed, hurried, or angry. What would I know about their situation? Maybe I remember my early parenthood years: the years I worked at McDonald’s for $5.50 an hour as a single mother desperately hoping I would receive child support. Maybe I remembered living paycheck-to-paycheck, even with two jobs, and attending college with the feeling as if my life would never really begin. Maybe I remembered my little cheap car that had no air conditioning and a little girl who wanted my attention all the time and I would willingly give it. I gave it because I knew that ultimately her feelings and assurances were more important than how I felt at any given time. She was my priority. I was thinking that very thing as I was checking out with my groceries and I saw them again in the checkout lane next to me. “Stop touching that!! I am so sick of this!” I heard the mother say and then the father say, “You are so on my bad list. I’m so sick of this!” Loud enough for customers to turn and see what all the fuss was about. Our children are only children for so long. Love them. Teach them. Honor their uniqueness and their desire to learn. Tami Urbanek Issue 653
ABSORBING ENERGY PART 1 Have you ever noticed that when your child or teenager comes home from hanging out with a certain friend, group of friend or a family member and he or she seems off? Maybe your kid has taken on bits of the other person’s personality, anger, depression, issue, or mannerisms? This is called absorbing energy. We all have an energy field, but most people cannot see it with their physical eyes. It can be seen with some technology equipment, however. Our energy field is full of our thoughts, emotions, and issues or lack thereof. For example, if a person is generally truly (no faking) happy, his or her energy field will have lightness to it. A person who carries depression and fear will have a more heavy energy field. A person who is very angry might have a ‘prickly’ energy field or one that seems to get triggered real fast and easily. I’m using general terms to create a visual and feeling of what an energy field might be like when we pay attention. When your teenager, in this case, is hanging out a lot with friends who carry strong opinions about authority, parents, and teachers and perhaps carry energy of defiance, your teen is likely to begin absorbing that to a degree given different settings. If your teenager spends a lot of time with those particular friends, you might find that your teenager begins having the same opinions, but not have a reason why. There may be no pointing reason to have those same opinions, but they’re there regardless. This is absorbing. This is not about judging the friends, just understanding what’s going on. In another situation, your young child attends daycare. He or she may be in a room where several of the children have anxiety or separation issues. Maybe your child didn’t have that problem until one or two months after attending this particular daycare. That is absorbing. It’s not conscious; it’s unconscious. Meaning, it’s not intentional, but still a matter of fact nonetheless. So you begin to see your child crying more, having separation anxiety, maybe wetting the bed after successful potty training or exhibiting other behaviors that weren’t there before. When we absorb energy from others, it becomes a distraction. We begin having thoughts and feelings that aren’t really our own, but they may feel like our own. So when you notice your child or teenager doing this, you first have to have awareness of it. Understand what is going on first. Then in the next Pathway Parenting article, I’ll give some tips on how to help resolve this issue. Tami Urbanek Issue 655
ABSORBING ENERGY PART 2 When children absorb energy from another person or people, they tend to take on people’s emotions, mannerisms and sometimes even memories. Everything is energy. We are made of energy and we experience energy on a daily basis. If you can walk into a room and feel the overall tone or mood, you can feel energy. Actually, everyone can feel energy. It’s just that not everyone recognizes they feel energy. Everything is energy. How we choose to experience it can impact our quality of life. How our children experience energy can impact their quality of life. What do you do when you notice your children or teenagers begin acting different in different settings? Perhaps your teenager is always sullen and depressed after she visits with one particular friend or group of friends. Maybe your young son begins acting out after he attends a particular activity or spends time around certain people. Given these situations, the child or teenager can be experiencing something different than absorbing. However, absorbing is quite common because many people do not recognize energy around them. When you or your children absorb energy, signs of it may not show up right away. It may take a few days. When this occurs, many times people do not make the connection between acting or feeling odd and a particular previous setting or interaction with someone. First, when you perceive your young children may be absorbing energy from their non-home or home environment, you can hold your child in your arms and close your eyes. Then visualize a silver bubble around your children. This bubble goes from head to toe and is a strong silver color. You are using the energy of your mind field to place a temporary protection around your children’s energy field. Do this daily. When your children get older, they can do this themselves. Many people have told me this works in seeing a change in their children’s behavior or how they feel themselves when they do it for themselves. If your children are teenagers, do something different. You can certainly share the visualization technique. But it may be more effective to simply talk with your teen about changes you see in her when she returns home from a certain environment. You can ask different questions to determine if he notices the same thing when he returns home or a few days later. It’s important to stress that this is not about judging anyone right or wrong, but to determine a cause and begin working on the cause in a different way. It’s very important to talk with your teens on a regular basis. There are different ways to approach this. In the next Pathway Parenting article, I will address the different ways. Tami Urbanek Issue 657
COMMUNICATING TO TEENAGERS No one every said parenting a teenager was easy. But then, no one ever said being a teenager was easy. There are few teenagers out there who do not experience strong hormonal changes, fluctuation in moods, friendship issues, teacher issues, a feeling of not belonging at some point, or a general feeling of inadequacy. But that is part of growing up. It’s a fact of life for many teenagers. The question is how do you, as a parent, maintain a positive relationship with your teen so they’ll want to be around you after they’ve moved out and are living their own lives? It can be said that most parents argue with their teens about something. Maybe it’s about curfew, money, cell phone bill, sports, friends, clothing selections, drugs, smoking/drinking, or something else. Teenagers want to feel independent and safe at the same time. What becomes difficult for many is how they communicate that desire. Effective communication is a learned skill. It’s not usually something that is learned overnight. We either learn it through continued practice with our own parents or we proactively learn how to communicate through another source, such as later counseling. Either way, effective communication is key to a healthy relationship, especially with teens. I’ve met people who say they don’t know how to connect with teens in general or their own teen. That is problematic if you have a teen at home. All kids want to bond with their parents. All kids want to feel safe, loved, and nurtured. But if that safety, love, and nurturing are not routinely and unconditionally offered, in the younger years, it makes it difficult for the teen to trust you now. But it’s not impossible. Trust is an energy that is developed over time. Infants learn to trust you when you meet their every need in a timely manner. Children trust you when you are honest, compassionate, and consistent. Teens trust you when you listen and honestly respond as if you were, in fact, listening. That is where I see the problem many times. How many times do parents interrupt their teen before he or she is done speaking? How many times do parents plan what they’re going to say as the teen is still speaking and likely miss some of what he or she is actually saying? When you listen to your teenagers, you need to listen with your intuitive, your mind, and your ears. Are they saying what they really mean or are they saying what they feel are safe to say? Is there a fear of judgment that prevents full honesty with you? A few rules I lived by as I raised my teenage daughter. Be honest. Carry self-integrity. Be the example. Never judge, but do discern. Make eye contact. Never push my beliefs or issues on to her. She doesn’t need those. She needs the freedom to develop her own unique personality so she can blossom in adult life and still wants to spend time with her family when she’s thirty years old and beyond. Tami Urbanek Issue 659
MOTHERS SHOULDN'T DO THAT! I’ve never been one that has felt strongly attached to tradition. As a child, I was always perceived as different and after I grew up, I was still seen as different. I didn’t and don’t follow the mainstream way of life. Even as a teacher, I was perceived as different. My lesson plans; instruction, and interactions with kids were all different from the ‘normal’ teacher. Though, I feel very normal. Actually, I should say I feel natural to who I am. As a young teenager, I wore clothes I liked. Those clothes were different from my peers’ outfits. My outfits were much more adult looking. Sometimes, I even wore a tie, but that wasn’t too uncommon in the 1980′s. I remember a teacher remarking on my clothing selection. He said he liked how I dressed differently than everyone else. I was in fact attempting to express my individuality as I was figuring out just what that was. So, it’s no surprise that I may have been perceived a certain way as I raised my daughter. I lived by the rule of thumb: don’t place your wants in front of your child’s needs. And don’t place your child’s wants in front of your needs. I was and still am conscientious of what my needs are to live a quality life. Why would I want to wait until I’m 45 years old to learn to live my life? I have worked with many women who follow tradition in a very orderly way. Tradition is defined as: the child’s desires and needs are met while the mother’s needs and desires go by the wayside. In fact, I would say it’s pretty seldom for me to work with a woman who always walked to her own personal heartbeat. But those women probably don’t need a whole lot of assistance from me. They already know where they stand. I see parents chaperoning their kids from one activity to the next. Many families don’t have time to eat dinner together and breakfast is a rushed piece of toast or bowl of cereal for everyone in the home. I’ll see many mothers are stressed and dressed in a very similar way and never seem to have time to enjoy life. It seems like every month is a birthday, a holiday, or a school activity in which to participate or celebrate. Many moms want to convey to their children that the children come first no matter what. It’s a fabulous message to offer to our children that they are wanted, loved, and protected. But does a mother need to negate herself for half of her adult life to communicate that message? What I find interesting is that I’ve worked with the grown young adult children who have a mother who always put her kids first. One of the main issues I see is that the female adult child now doubts what she’s worth herself. She has taken on her mother’s beliefs of putting aside her needs for other people. And I think, “Of course she did! That was the example that was taught for twenty years!” I will have the mother in my office crying because she wants her daughter to love her life, but the daughter didn’t have an example from which to learn that! The mother is crying for her daughter and the mother doesn’t know what she wants for herself either. She doesn’t how she wants to live or where she wants to go from this point. She’s sad because she’s 55 years old and doesn’t know what she wants to do with her life. How frustrating that must feel. If we, as mothers, venture out to live our own individuality, we will be judged. People like to judge. It’s unfortunate, but true. The point is to move beyond that judgment. If you’re a mother reading this and you’re thinking, “I want to live and express my individuality” are you next thinking, “Yeah…that’d be nice. But it's not practical. I have to do this…and this…and this…” Well, that becomes the excuse. Make changes. Enjoy your life. Create a balance. Tami Urbanek Issue 661
LOOK AT ME! Look at me when I’m talking to you! How many times do we hear that growing up? We also hear, “pay attention to the food in front of you”, “look where you’re going”, “pay attention to what you’re doing” and so forth. My point is this: most children are taught to pay attention to physical things. “Don’t walk into furniture” and “pay attention to how much food you’re putting on your plate” are common statements. There is nothing wrong with being aware of our physical surroundings; we need to so that we don’t walk into walls! But what if children were taught something else, too? What if children were taught to look at energy? What if we were to simply ask our children, when they’re very young, “do you see energy there? Do you see those colors?” From early on most children can see energy, but as they grow older, they are programmed to pay attention to the physical world and they forget they could ever see energy. The light receptors in the eyes become programmed to recognize physical objects and people. In some cases, children with very strong abilities to see and feel energy keep their light receptors consciously responsive to energy. Hopefully, those children are in families that recognize that and honor the child’s abilities. Energy is all around us. It’s not a matter of if it’s there; it is there! It’s a matter of do our eyes recognize the light that energy reflects. For most people, the answer is no. That doesn’t mean many don’t SEE the energy, it means they don’t recognize it, or rather their eyes don’t recognize it. So, how do you re-program your eyes to recognize energy? That’s a different article. First, if you have small children or grandchildren, encourage them to recognize energy. Ask them if they see colors around certain things or people. Just ask different questions and if your children/grandchildren do communicate that they see things you may not see, encourage them to keep seeing and to keep talking about it. Then keep sharing with them about what they see and experience. You might be surprised and you will be nurturing an ability you never thought your child would have. Tami Urbanek Issue 663
BONDING When people hear the word ‘bonding’, most think of the word ‘love’. While love is a part of bonding, you cannot encompass all of bonding as love. Bonding includes love; it is not defined as love. Just as a fruit salad includes a fruit, it’s not limited to one type of fruit. Bonding is the energy between two people that cannot be broken. In this case a parent and child. When a bond has occurred between parent and child, it goes above and beyond the energy of love. It is a current of energy that resists all judgment, decay, and conditions of any kind. It is a current of energy that transports intuition, thought, feeling, and emotion between two people. These two people could be thousands of miles apart, and still feel that which is being transported in the bonding energy. Many love their children or parents, but have not bonded to them. Bonding before or just at birth is optimal. When a child feels a bond, he or she feels ultimately safe; it’s the supreme protection from all harm (mental, physical, emotional). The foundation of respect begins growing automatically when the energy of bonding is present. When parents are bonded to their children, there is no need to force respect, but to guide it and model it. If bonding did not occur at a very young age, it can become more difficult as the child grows older. This is because the foundation of true respect and protection may be soft or flaky. The trust, that a child can feel intuitively, may be lacking in depth. That does not mean parent and child cannot bond, it simply means there may be more work involved. Children naturally want to bond at birth. It’s an innate desire of all children. If it hasn’t occurred at birth, the parent will need to be more proactive in establishing the bonding energy. That means removing all judgment, negative anger and conditions. Then replace that with compassion, guidance, discernment, and natural consequences. Add in listening, freedom of voice and choice in how the child desires to grow into adulthood. Nurturing creativity and individuality is key as well. When these elements are in place, the prospect of bonding is much more likely. If all children and parents were bonded, how different would our world be? Tami Urbanek Issue 665
ABILITIES Many children are not fitting the mold. The mold to follow directions, act ‘normal’, or match other personalities in the household. This is a good thing. However, in some families it’s really important to maintain a perception of normal, to fit in. In this case, the ‘non-normal’ child may be seen as a black sheep of the family. Some adults reading this may see themselves as the black sheep of their family too! It is very important to nurture our children’s individuality. That may mean that they seem to ‘act out’. Many children labeled ADD/ADHD are actually trying to express their individuality. Unfortunately, if that expression doesn’t fit within the ‘normal’ expectations of the teachers and/or parents, a label is placed on the child and medication is prescribed. This can dumb down the child’s true individuality and many times suppresses his or her true abilities. Children need the freedom to explore and express their abilities, whatever those abilities may be. It could be in writing, art, or seeing energy. The abilities could be in music or speaking. Many children are very kinesthetic. This needs to be nurtured and honored in order for the child to grow into a healthy adult who self-respects. If you have a child who may be ‘acting out’, explore the child’s diet for sugar and processed foods first. Then explore if his or her expression is being suppressed, denied, or judged by anyone (usually an adult). If this is the case, take action to encourage expression. The best way to do that is to model it. As adults, we also need to explore our own creativity and abilities and express them. Suppression leads to compression, which leads to depression. If we suppress our own abilities, we are modeling that as important to our children, despite what we say. We have only a short period of time with our children and to model to our children, so model self-integrity, expression, and individuality. Try to model compassion and passion for life. This will lead our children to follow our examples of a joyful life instead of a suppressed one. Tami Urbanek Issue 667
WHAT IS THE POINT? I’ve heard a few people say that their friends or acquaintances say to them, “What’s the point of all this ‘healing’? “I don’t have time to heal, I have children.” There is a lot to the point of healing. In my experience, healing involves everything. When many people think of healing, they think of physical healing. Healing a disease or an injury of some sort comes to mind. When I think of healing, I typically think of healing on a mental, emotional and/or spiritual level. This is when many might roll their eyes or think, that’s weird or even that’s a waste of time. I wonder if many people perceive this type of healing as New Age or something similar. So, what’s the point of healing? Everything. It allows me to see, address, and conquer different fears, obstacles, and frustrations. Healing gives me the tools to move beyond an obstacle with much less difficulty than perhaps ten years ago. It’s about my quality of life in general. I don’t want to wake up with anxieties, frustrations, or boredom. I don’t want to go to sleep with those either. I don’t want to walk through life in a fog where there is a great lack of excitement and passion. I want the opposite of all that. All the time. Healing doesn’t mean never having a bad day, it means the bad day is not that big of deal. How many of us know someone who consistently blows things out of proportion? Why do they do that? What is important to remember is that healing does not create a ‘perfect’ life. For one: ‘perfection’ is a relative term depending on who’s using it. For two: why try to achieve perfection? For what purpose? Our life is a continuum, it’s always evolving. Also, it’s important to remember that healing does not JUST create positive results, but it ALSO prevents painful results. For example: what if you choose to become more aware of yourself and you set yourself on a journey of self-discovery? You might read some different books, attend some classes, interview different people on their journey, and self-reflect on a deep level. In this process, perhaps you develop a strong intuition that allows you to make wise choices that may make no sense to someone else watching you. What if a wise intuitive choice leads you to avoid a fatal car accident? What if your intuitive leads you to prevent a disease of some sort that may have been created otherwise? You may not know this immediately, but it was still prevented. Is there risk involved in healing? You bet! You must risk your false perceptions of life and relationships (including your relationship with yourself). You might risk your personal relationships. I’ve seen where two friends or a couple unite in their similar pain. One person decides to change and the other doesn’t understand it. That relationship will change. But the long-term outcomes outweigh the short-term discomfort one may feel in his/her personal relationships and in life. Healing is about being on a journey of self-discovery in order to begin a life of great passion, excitement, and joy. It’s as simple as that. If you have a friend or acquaintance ask you, “What’s the point of all this ‘healing’?” Maybe you can reply, “So, I can feel better with each day and each year passing. It’s that simple.” Tami Urbanek Issue 669
NURTURING YOUR MARRIAGE I was watching a reality television show a couple of years ago (and it was an hour of my life I’ll never get back!). In it, woman ‘A’ was telling woman ‘B’ that ‘B’ and her husband had nothing in common aside from their kids. Also, that when the kids were grown, the couple would grow apart even more. From ‘B’s response, it appeared to be true. But, then again, it was a reality television show. Whether it was true for that woman, I can’t say, but it is true for many couples. In the midst of carpooling, working, paying bills, repairing the roof and dishwasher, and family events, there are parts of our lives that can get pushed to the wayside. An area I see pushed aside a lot is: nurturing the marriage. It’s unfortunate, but a reality in many families. So what to do about it? One can certainly Google ‘how to keep a marriage alive’ or ‘bringing romance back into marriage’ or several other search phrases. You’ll find many articles with experts touting how to keep a marriage going strong. Or you can ask someone you know, who has a healthy marriage, what he or she does to keep it that way. After being married sixteen years, I’ve learned a thing or two. Listening to each other is important. What’s even more important is listening without judgment or constructing your reply as someone is still speaking. It’s pretty obvious, but useful, nonetheless. Listen and respond. I’ve also found it useful to organize the day in such a way that insures relaxation evening time. A time when computers go off, cell phones are on vibrate, and the house is not in chaos. Set it up that way and it will happen. I see many people fall victim to their schedules or their kids’ schedules. Restructure how time is spent. Nagging never works and it’s annoying. Make a pact to end nagging. If a request is made and you feel like you’re not being heard or respected, then talk about it. On the opposite end of nagging is complimenting. Compliment your spouse. Maybe compliment her new outfit or shoes or his fresh haircut. Compliment her or his cooking or funny laugh. Find something to say that you can mean and do it daily. Finally, schedule dates! Regularly schedule time to go out to a place you both enjoy. Maybe it’s a ball game, a nice dinner, a movie, or ski/snowboarding adventure. Maybe it’s your favorite hiking place or happy hour location. Whatever or wherever it is, make it happen. If you’re already doing all of this, you are probably in a healthy relationship. If so, acknowledge that of each other. It takes work to make a relationship healthy. Tami Urbanek Issue 671
IMAGINARY FRIENDS Most children like to use their imagination. And why not? It’s a fabulous tool with which to entertain the mind. I remember as a child, I would ride my bicycle and pretend to be a school bus driver. I thought it would be so much fun to drive a bus! I rode my bike short distances, would stop, and pretend to open the imaginary door using my imaginary handle. Then on rainy or cold days, I would pretend to be a fast food employee handing out food through the drive-thru window. Apparently, I also had no idea how little these two jobs actually pay! I used my imagination to entertain myself. It’s a beautiful way to foster creativity too. In some cases, children have developed a case of ‘imaginary friends’. In many cases, the family entertains the concept of imaginary friends…at least for a period of time. In most cases, the family tires of accommodating that notion and begins communicating to the child that he or she needs to let go and grow up. This is where confusion can enter. Many young children can see and hear the nonphysical (people in spirit form). Aside from personal beliefs, children have these experiences. To tell a child that she’s making it up or needs to let go is telling a child she needs to close down what she sees and be ‘normal’ rather than individualistic. Even if that’s not the intended message, it is the message nonetheless. The child may feel that a part of himself or a part of his expression is not acceptable as well. When a young child communicates what he sees, question it, verify it, but do not shut it down based on a personal belief. Allow the child to express what she sees and feels. Do this so that she knows it’s all right to express herself in other areas of life too. When we shut down a child’s attempt at communication in one area, it shuts down in other areas too, especially if it might be seen as unacceptable. Ask the child a line of questions: is this person big or small, a boy or a girl, short hair or long hair, wearing pants or a dress? These types of questions can lead you to some answers without feeding answers to the child. Encourage communication. Young children can teach us a lot about acceptance. They can also teach us about love and respect; we just need to reciprocate without jumping to premature conclusions. And if your child sees many ‘imaginary people’, well…he or she might be in for an exciting childhood and you, the parent, might be in for a ride I like to call, Adventure. Tami Urbanek |
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