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Issue 45 - 9/4/02
FEELING LONELY Dear Kate: I’m a successful professional business man. A few months ago I relocated to Colorado Springs. For the first time in my life I seem to be having trouble meeting new people. The bar scene is not for me. Where can I go and what can I do to keep from feeling so lonely? —J.D. Dear J.D., Most definitely it’s hard to start off in a new city, no matter how old you are! Perhaps you’re feeling a bit intimidated by your surroundings. Just remember people are always looking for new friends and connections. Start off by observing the people in and around your workplace. Strike up conversations and find common interests and goals. Make the first move by inviting someone out to lunch or dinner, a bike ride or a hike. You could also join a gym or join a club. Participate in local civic organizations and activities. Go to church or do volunteer work for local charities or art centers. All of these are excellent places to start your networking. Find people who share the same interests as you and you’ll be on your way! Issue 46 - 9/11/02
INSECURE AROUND PEERS Dear Kate: Sometimes I feel so insecure around my peers. They are such a closed group. I’m told that I’m bright, funny, charming and very attractive. But it always seems like I get left out of most of their extra-curricular activities. It gets so lonely. Help, I want to fit in! -Insecure in Colorado Dear Insecure, Funny how we’d all like to belong to someone or something. Cliques have been around forever and are still found everywhere and at every age. Maintaining your own style and your own image is crucial to the very essence of who you are. Don’t forget that. Many people who hang around with the same group all the time end up being a clone. Very often they dress the same, talk the same, and even think the same. People who choose to ‘listen to their own drummer’ or who choose to be ‘true to themselves’ do tend to be a little bit lonelier than other people. But the good news is - not for long. You’ll soon be attracting the kinds of people who will value the integrity of your own unique identity! In the long run you’ll be much happier being true to yourself! It’s worth the effort and the wait! Issue 47 -9/18/02
LOTS OF RED FLAGS! Dear Kate: I met a man through a mutual acquaintance through the internet. We emailed back and forth for several months before meeting. He seemed very nice and very interesting. He lives about an hour away and we agreed to meet at my house for a drink and then we would go out to dinner. Well he came over the other evening but he did some things that were very strange. He no sooner arrived and began wandering through my home uninvited. He went upstairs, he went downstairs. He checked out this room and this room - all this while I was fixing drinks! When I went to look for him I found him lying on my unmade bed! This man is a well-educated attractive man and I am interested in him. But his behavior for the first time in my home causes me some concern. He left after a couple of hours and never did take me out to dinner. What should I do? ------confused and naíve. Dear confused and naíve, If the red flag were any bigger dear you could make a brand new comforter out of it. First of all, why did you meet this man for the first time in your home? Never, entertain someone in your home for the first date before you have initially met in person in a public place! This man sounds like he’s a little more than strange. He may have sounded quite innocent by email and by phone, but in this day and age one never can be sure. The internet is multi-faceted and promotes anonymity. People crawl out of the woodwork. Not to say the internet isn’t good, but it must be treated responsibly. Don’t leave yourself exposed and vulnerable. This time you were lucky. Don’t let there be a next time-the possibilities for danger are endless. Issue 48 - 9/25/02
INTERESTED OR NOT? Dear Kate: I’ve recently met a woman through mutual friends and we’ve been dating for a few weeks. She’s educated attractive and successful. She is definitely interested in pursuing a long term relationship and I get the feeling she is probably more attracted to me than I am to her. In getting to know her better over these few weeks I can see that their isn’t really a chance for a long term relationship. I’m 33 and looking for that life-long partner. My problem is this; I’ve been invited to spend the weekend with her and some of her friends and a family member. I’ve said yes but now regret it because I really don’t want to go....and I also feel that by going I’m just leading her to believe that I’m as interested in pursuing this relationship as she is. – Confused Cowboy Dear Confused Cowboy, A few weeks is not much time but certainly enough time to discover enough to know whether or not it’s a relationship worth pursuing. Even though there may have been an initial interest and attraction you’re obviously becoming disinterested. If you really don’t want to get to know this woman better, get the truth out in the open now. Don’t waste time or emotions on pretending to pursue a romantic relationship. Either you’re interested or you’re not. Don’t play games with another persons heart. Be as honest as you can about your doubts and fears. “˜To thine own heart be true” and “do unto others” may sound trite but honesty is indeed the best policy. When you talk to her, proceed gently. Start with some positive aspects of her personality and the good times that you spent together and then be honest about your feelings. Tell her you’re sorry you made a hasty decision and after further consideration you think it’s best not to give her the wrong impression. You value her as a person and you would like to remain friends. It’s not fair to let someone think that there are possibilities for a future when you’re already thinking that this is not so. Foremost, be honest! Issue 49 - 10/2/02
FRIENDS SOMETIMES MOVE ON Dear Kate: Our good friend Sarah recently met the man of her dreams Jake. He seems to be perfect for her. However, the problem is that now that she found her prince charming she has all but disappeared from our lives. She always seems to be too busy with work or with him to hang out with us. Other friends have mentioned her absence from the group, and tell her that we miss her, but she only gets upset with us. Is she gone? Should good friendships be forsaken for a significant other? We miss her–what can we do? —feeling left out Dear Feeling Left Out, Unfortunately, the friendships and loved ones who come into our lives, sometimes go right back out without an explanation. It may sound cliché, but compare the thought about how important it is to live each day to it’s fullest because you don’t know when it will be your last and the thought that people cross our paths sometimes for a lifetime or sometimes for just a brief moment. It’s important to cherish them and let them know regularly that you love them. Friends who have entered our lives, even for a short time, should know we respect them and value the importance their presence brings to our lives. Sometimes people do move on. It hurts when you love someone, especially if time and emotions were invested. You and your friends obviously care about this fading friend. Be glad and cherish the time that you did get to spend with her. Wish her well in her new life with prince charming. Issue 50 - 10/9/02
GET SOME BALANCE! Dear Kate: I’m a mess!! In the last 3 months I’ve gained 10 lbs, my skin is oily, dry and unpredictable. I’ve ditched church on Sundays because I’m so tired from a hectic week. I can’t decide whether to go home early from work and get a good nights sleep or stay at work for the extra hours and money (which I need). I have three men in my life and I can’t decide which is the best to spend quality time with. I feel like I have no balance and I’ve definitely neglected myself. HELP!!! How can I get myself back on track and feel stable. Frustrated in Palmer Lake Dear Frustrated, Whew! Slow down and take a breath! Sounds like you’ve let stress invade your life! A little bit of stress in our lives is ok, but too much can slowly rob us of health, peace and happiness. First of all, get a thorough check-up by a physician to make sure your fatigue and physical symptoms aren’t related to some underlying illness. Meanwhile, relax and slow down! Be good to yourself! Do what makes you feel good. Take a walk, write your thoughts down on paper or immerse yourself in a hot aromatic bubble bath! Light candles and while soaking in the warmth and serenity think about where you want to be and what you want in your life. Don’t juggle the men in your life. Choose to spend time with one of them only after your needs have been met. After you get the ‘balance’ back in your life by meeting your needs first and by finding peace within yourself your decisions will be easier and life will begin falling into place for you. Issue 51 - 10/16/02
JUST NOT FITTING IN Dear Kate: I am 13 years old and I go to a private school. My parents have to pay money for me to go there. We are not rich like most of the other families. My parents just wanted me to have the best education. My problem is this: I don’t feel like I belong at this school. My teachers are always picking on me. The kids at school say mean things about my parents not having any money. I don’t feel like I am good enough because we can’t afford the things they can. I have trouble in math but it seems like the teacher doesn’t want to spend the effort to help me understand, like I’m a waste of time, because maybe I am not worth as much as the other kids who are rich. How can I tell my parents I hate my school and want to go to a public school without them getting upset? --frustrated with school Dear frustrated with school, What makes you think a public school would be any better and make you any happier than where you’re at now? Think about it, your parents must place a high value on education otherwise they would’t be sending you to a private school. So, before you talk to your parents, take a long hard look at yourself and ask why you might be feeling so uncomfortable. If you’re sending out negative energy you’ll receive the same from others. Also, it is a fact that junior high and high school relationships can be brutal. Kids are unmerciful as they try to jockey for social positions within the unique school society. But here is a surprise! This jockeying is true no matter where you are or how old you are. The corporate world, the office, the home, the sports arena, you name it! The competition is out there and to quote Darwin—”It’s the survival of the fittest.” Notice I said fittest not meanest! Your school years are the perfect learning and training ground to figure out how to deal graciously and cunningly with people out there in the big bad world. Learn from your experiences! I realize you’re only thirteen, but you have as much right to be at this school as anyone else, no matter how much money they have. If your parents are willing to pay for such an education then try to be grateful and do the best you can. I suggest you sit down with your parents and fill them in on what’s bugging you. I’ll bet they’ll be eager to help out! Issue 52 10/23/02
AT A LOSS Dear Kate: My daughter hates school. She’s bright, funny, charming and attractive. But for some reason she lacks motivation to study and get good grades. No matter what I seem to do or say, she just doesn’t understand the value of her education. What can I do? —At A Loss Dear At A Loss, Ahh, I remember those very same days when I thought school was a complete waste of time! How wrong I was! A good education, and I stress college after high school, opens up a whole new world of opportunities not readily available to those who don’t desire to improve themselves with learning all they can. It’s simply much more diffi cult to move ahead and improve your lifestyle when you’re less educated than the people with whom you’re competing. Even trying to hold a simple intelligent conversation at a dinner party can be a trying experience! High school and college are only eight years out of a whole lifetime. Learning is the essence of life. Education helps build the bridge to understanding ourselves and the world around us. It can also help us reach our full potential. Anyone can get a job…but it takes an education to have a successful career! Issue 54 - 11/6/02
FEELING DESPERATE Dear Kate: Seems like I can’t get out of the funk I’ve been in lately. The seasons have changed and the nights are getting longer. Not to mention the holidays are right around the corner. I’ve been on anti-depressants once before but they made me so tired that all I wanted to do was sleep. How can I get through the next couple of months without feeling like a total loser? ~ feeling desperate Dear feeling desperate, You are not alone. Many people this time of year start to feel the same way you are feeling. I, being one of them. Fortunately, I’ve been able to avoid the anti-depressant route mostly by snuggling up with a good book and hot herbal teas. If you have any hobbies you can do indoors, this time of year is greats to keep your mind off any worries. If you don’t have any hobbies you could always pick one up: painting, poetry, crafty things you could make for Christmas gifts. Learning to play an instrument can also be fun. Getting together with friends and maybe playing games or watching movies, anything that keeps your spirits up during the winter months will help you cope as well. Issue 55 - 11/13/02
PROCRASTINATORS REALLY BUG ME! Dear Kate: Christmas is a lovely time of year. Especially with all of the beautiful lights and decorations that make the season more festive. The only problem I have with this time of year is that some people take forever to put their outdoor decorations away after the holiday is over. I have one neighbor in particular who just can’t seem to clean up everything until Easter! It’s so annoying to drive by their house weeks after the holidays and see all of the clutter. Is there a tactful way to get them to be a little quicker about putting their decorations away? -trying to be tactful Dear Tactful, I’m so surprised! Aren’t everyone’s neighbors always courteous and well behaved with pristine yards? You can choose to take the high road and speak gently and persuasively with this irritating neighbor; you can sell your home and move to another neighborhood that has an association with covenants, or my dear, you can take the low road, and make a prank phone call with a heavily disguised voice and leave a nasty note tied to a dead pine tree limb in their mailbox! Seriously though, I don’t really have a problem with people leaving their lights up all year round. Lights can easily be ignored. But, I agree with you about the yard decorations. After the holidays are over cute nostalgic decorations become tacky yard litter. It amazes me that people still want to share their whimsical decorative Christmas cheer long after the cork has popped on the last bottle of bubbly. As for me, over the years my holiday decorations have been pared down to a tree and a few poinsettias. They go up the weekend after Thanksgiving and come down very religiously (pun intended) and get put away on New Years Day!! Dearest Kate likes to start the New Year fresh. One might say it’s putting away the old and welcoming in the new! So what to do about your neighbor? If they get lazy again this year, then wait until you just can’t stand it anymore and discreetly leave a polite note attached to their mailbox. Just make sure that if you want to remain anonymous, don’t sign your name, and wait until everyone has gone to bed. Issue 56 - 11/20/02
LIFE IN THE FAST LANE Dear Kate: It gets very frustrating driving in this overgrown city. There are way too many cars for this outdated road system. The department of transportation has started to work on the roads so they can accommodate the growing number of cars. But I’m afraid that by the time they get done they’ll just have to start all over again. The roads will be obsolete even before they get finished. My biggest gripe is that so many slower drivers choose to putz in the fast lane. These inconsiderate drivers ignore the traffic behind them and cause backups a mile long. As a result I turn into the irate and aggressive driver. Can you send a message to these drivers and ask them to just move over and let us pass? - Lisa Dear Lisa, Dearest Kate understands your dilemma only too well. How many times have we been in a hurry to get somewhere and we get behind someone who’s putzing along in the fast lane going the same speed as the slow lane? Some drivers purposely won’t move over and let others pass, And I’ve seen some drivers speed up in order to not let faster cars get around them! Furthermore, how many times have you had to pass someone by having to use the right hand lane and you see that the putzing driver is busy having a telephone conversation - completely oblivious to everything around them??? I’ve even seen some people reading! I could scream just thinking about it!! This is precisely why we have such road rage! These drivers might consider putting a bumper sticker on their car admitting “I don’t get road rage - I cause it”! For those of you who choose to talk on cell phones, read, or apply make-up while driving - please, either pull over to the side of the road or courteously move your car to the right hand lane. It’s very easy to get angry at other drivers because we assume THEY are the problem. And passive aggressive drivers usually are the problem. But maybe we should also question our own driving skills or lack thereof. Do we use our turn signals to alert other drivers to our next move? How about slowing down and driving according to weather conditions or hazards on the road? Do you slow down in school zones? Do you slow down for animals or pedestrians in your neighborhood? Or do you go zooming carelessly by thinking that you are the king of the road? Let’s stop and think about each life that has been lost as a result of impatient and careless drivers. Being in a hurry or driving carelessly is never a good reason to put lives in danger. There is one important option to remember and that is to leave early and give yourself more time, especially when the weather’s bad. Many people feel it is alright to drive five to ten mph over the speed limit when the weather is clear and traffic is light. Sometimes, however, there are just too many cars on the road and it’s best to settle in and enjoy the drive. So to all of you who think you’re doing us faster drivers a favor by forcing us to slow down: Find someone else to bully! And if you must tend to other activities in your car, move over and get out of the way! Remember drive safe and be courteous! Getting there safe is better than not getting there at all. Issue 57 - 11/25/02
FORGOTTEN ON THE HOLIDAYS Dear Kate: For the first time in years it looks like I’ll be spending Thanksgiving alone. In the past, more often than not, I have been the driving force in getting people together and making sure no one spends this day alone. Since it’s my first year of being divorced I didn’t feel up to having a gathering in my home. And the only invitation I’ve received is from my ex-in-laws who’ve invited me to eat with them. I get along with them but I really don’t want to be around them and my ex. It kind of makes me a little blue that no one else has invited me to their home this year. No one has even asked what I’m doing! I really don’t feel like hanging out with a bunch of strangers either. I could use an encouraging word. - Derrick Dear Derrick, You are not alone. Of course it’s nice to have family and friends to enjoy the holidays with. But, the holidays are notorious for being the gloomiest time of the year. Just for starters it’s cold and it gets dark early. And when the holidays come everyone is supposed to make merry and be joyful. If the truth were known more people than we realize find the holidays to be the loneliest time of the year. More suicides occur at this time than at any other. So why not start thinking about what you can do for yourself to make the day a memorable one. Soup kitchens can always use help. Check with local churches to see what they might be doing in the community and what kind of help they might need. How about taking the day and heading up to the mountains to ski or snowboard? Or if the weather is reasonable, go out a hike. Or cozy up and stay home, build a fire, pop popcorn, watch a couple of movies, read a good book, maybe take a nap. There are lot’s of things you can do to get through the day. Please don’t be hard on yourself. Try to focus on the positive areas of your life. There are many people who are shut-ins or who are new to town and who don’t have any where to go. Be brave and ask a friend what they’re doing anyway, perhaps you might find they don’t have anywhere to go either. Whatever may happen, be kind to yourself and be thankful for the blessings you do have in your life Issue 58 - 12/2/02
IS IT A STEAL? Dear Kate: Several weeks ago after checking out with a large array of purchases at a major department store chain, I noticed that an item did not read through the scanner. After I got home and rechecked my purchases against the receipt I’m certain I was not charged for this rug. Every time I look at this rug I feel guilty for not paying for it. It’s price is not that expensive and surely this big store won’t even miss it. Is it ok to just keep it? -Mary Anne Dear Mary Anne, Does a rock thrown in the water make ripples? Is there a difference between right and wrong? Whether anybody else besides you knows about this event or not, this is still a form of stealing! If you were the retailer, big chain or small mom & pop, how would you feel if someone violated you in this way? If the shoe was on the other foot it would make a difference wouldn’t it? My guess is that you wouldn’t appreciate it either! And remember what goes around comes around. It may happen to you personally someday and if you’re guilty of stealing, would you really have any righteous say in the same deed done to you? Probably not! It doesn’t matter if it’s a huge department store chain or a small mom and pop store, the rug you are enjoying did have to be paid for by the owner. What’s keeping you from visiting customer service at the store with both the rug and the receipt and paying for it now? Sure, it might be embarrassing and you’ll have to take time out of a busy day, but think of the example you’ll be setting! Isn’t it better to do the right thing and be able to sleep peacefully at night than to do the wrong thing and perpetuate substandard ethics and morals? Maybe the salesperson who ends up helping you with this transaction will be encouraged by your courage! To be sure, the world we live in is rife with all kinds of evil and evil doers. But change and goodness starts within us. One small deed can have an amazing effect. Do the right thing by creating strong positive ripples in the water that surrounds you. You may find the rewards that come back to you even better than you could’ve imagined! Issue 59 - 12/9/02
A HEAVY ISSUE Dear Kate: This year I have decided to finally lose weight. I have been an overweight man for most of my life. I’m 32 and I fear that if I don’t lose weight pretty soon, I’ll never find a woman who will want me. I’m lonely, and I don’t want to spend my life without having a family of my own. My problem is, that last week, I began an exercise program, and some how ended up pulling a muscle. I was in pain the entire day. Since then, I’ve been afraid of doing any more exercises. What should I do? -Feeling Large in Monument Dear Feeling Large, Bless you for even starting an exercise program to lose weight and get healthier! But don’t be afraid to start exercising again. No pain no gain right? Get right back at it and keep going. Try not to overdo it though, start small. Would you feel more comfortable with a personal trainer? If it would help, local gyms have trainers available for a small fee. They can guide you and get you started in a program designed specifically for you. This may work best until you feel more confident about what you’re doing. As far as never thinking that you’ll find yourself a woman because of your weight, well let me tell ya honey, the best gifts don’t always come in small packages! Think about all of the ‘packages’ that ballooned up several sizes after they’ve hooked, lined and sinkered that special someone! Like the women who get married wearing a size 4 and can barely fit into a size 16 today! As a small child Dearest Kate remembers a cousin who was the most beautiful petite bride she’d ever seen - Barbie move over! Only to see this cousin again several years later looking like she consistently ate nine meals a day! Not only she had she gained weight but she no longer took pride in her appearance. Her hair was unkempt, she smoked a pack of cigarettes a day and wore tacky clothing that was two sizes too small! Obviously, there might have been some other problems going on, but that’s no excuse to not take care of yourself! My point, Mr. Feeling Large, is even though you may be feeling discouraged that your weight is keeping you from finding that special someone, work on it, but don’t let it keep you from finding your own personal style and confidence. And remember to always take care of your personal hygiene. Keep your hair neatly trimmed. Maybe get your teeth whitened. Buy some hip new clothing. All of these things will help with your outer appearance. But don’t forget to love yourself for who you are. We all have something special to offer this world, no matter what we look like, who we are or where we’re from. Don’t worry you’re still pretty young and your time will soon come. Issue 61 - 12/23/02
HIS BROTHER IS A REAL CARD! Dear Kate: My brother is making me crazy. Just before Christmas he asked if he could borrow my credit card so that he could buy Christmas gifts online. I told him he could use it, but in return, he needed to give me the cash equivalent to what was charged before the end of the month. He agreed. What an idiot I was. He ended up charging nearly $3,500 on my Visa. After several weeks, he admitted that he didn’t have $3,500, and gave me $25, which didn’t even cover the interest. I can’t begin to tell you how angry I am. My credit card is nearly maxed out, and the bill has come due. I can’t pay the full amount, so I’m going to be stuck paying service charges for quite awhile. My brother thinks that I am overreacting, and that I should be more understanding about how someone could be overcome with the Christmas spirit. He says he will eventually pay me back, but I don’t see how this is going to happen. He doesn’t make as much as I do, and I know that it would take me several years to pay off this bill. I don’t even want to speak to my brother again. I really want this resolved. Any suggestions? -At my wits end Dear At Wit’s End, You did what? What on earth were you thinking? Why didn’t you just give him your first born child? Did you have him sign a promissory note? Did you set a spending limit? Please forgive Dear Kate’s tone, but honey, absent your not ever speaking to him again, there’s probably not much you can do. A lesson hopefully well learned. Never loan money much less your credit card to someone, even a relative. The likelihood of ever seeing your money again is relatively remote. People who get something for nothing usually return the favor with nothing! Don’t let your brother steamroll you into thinking you’re not a good sport or that you don’t have the proper Christmas cheer! What he’s doing to you is simply wrong, rude and irresponsible. If you can get a hold of his purchases and receipts then you maybe you could start returning everything. That’s probably your only hope unless he has a change of heart. Sorry dear, but your Christmas may end up being the one that’s low on Christmas cheer and it’ll be because he’s the Grinch who stole Christmas from you! Good luck to you and I hope everything works out! Issue 62- 12/30/02
MARRIAGE: TO BE OR NOT TO BE? Dear Kate: Two months ago I became engaged to a wonderful man. He is the apple of my eye, and everything has been wonderful, at least until recently. There has been a major snafu in the wedding plans. Jerry has a child from a previous marriage. She is a beautiful six-year-old, and we would love for her as our flower girl. The problem is Jerry’s ex-wife is not going to cooperate. She has custody of Heather, and will not switch the visitation dates so Heather can participate in our wedding. We tried to reason with her, and even offered to change the wedding to an alternate date, but Marie claims she has something else happening on that date as well. I sincerely believe Marie just doesn’t want Heather to be a part of our new life. Jerry is sick over this. Please help me if you can, I really want our wedding to be perfect, and I don’t feel it will be without Heather as a part of it. -frustrated in Colorado Springs Dear Frustrated, Oh poor Heather! Is she aware that the two of you are going to get married? Is she okay with you and your relationship and the fact that her dad is going to marry and live with someone other than her mom? Is Heather even aware that you want her to be a flower girl? And does she actually want to be a part of your festivities? Or has her mother turned you into the wicked old witch? If Heather is ok with everything but her mother is not and she is refusing to accommodate Heather’s participation in your wedding there’s probably not much you can do. If you and Heather get along maybe one thing you can do is to plan a very private mock ceremony before the actual nuptials. Let her go through the paces and walk down an aisle. You could do this anywhere. Find someone to ‘officiate’ the ceremony in the woods, your home, or maybe even in a church. Tell her it’s a private ceremony for only the very most special people. A simple little exercise like that will help her to feel important and that she’s a significant part of your lives. The ex may not like it, but that may be a risk you both might have to take. In the short run this may cause hard feelings, but I’m willing to bet that Heather will remember this moment for the rest of her life! |
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