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Heather Buchman is a certified etiquette trainer who teaches in the Tri-Lakes area
Issue 550 - 5/14/12
WHY ETIQUETTE? “Gimme THAT!” hollers a three-year-old from her perch in the grocery cart. “I don’t want this kind,” a six-year-old states as he unhappily chooses a lollipop from the reward bag his teacher just handed him. “I was going to invite Jordan, but he couldn’t make it, so I had to invite you,” laments an eleven-year-old boy to a classmate, as he chews an enormous bite of a sandwich—with his mouth open. “I don’t want to prepare her for a cotillion, maybe I could just get her to look up at me and stop ‘texting’ for a moment,” says the dad of sixth-grader Zoe. People are mourning the loss of etiquette. “Children’s manners” is a top Google search for frustrated parents. Most parents would like their children to be well-mannered and they would like to be treated with dignity and respect—maybe even a little deference. Kids are kids and they are expected to say, and do, outrageous things at times. The days of “children should be seen and not heard” are long gone. However, children need to be aware that they are members of a large global society. As the commercial says, “Membership has its privileges.” Membership also has responsibilities—the biggest is valuing the other members. If kids don’t display good manners, it isn’t a stretch to assume that we aren’t all properly equipped to teach children who are uninterested in learning. Most of us find our own children uninterested in learning anything from us. The problem is then, teachers, coaches, admissions officers and bosses pass over a child that clearly does not possess the ability to behave appropriately in the given situation. Sadly, ill-mannered children, teenagers and young adults never have a chance; lack of social skills reduces their opportunities significantly. Is the trend away from good manners a consequence of increasing single parent homes, more two working parents, political correctness, video games, the Internet . . . or maybe a combination of the list? But is the question even relevant? None of these “possible causes” are going away any time soon. It becomes our job as parents to accept the culture as it is today, and teach our children good manners anyway. Arming our children with manners and values allows them the opportunity to make good choices when faced with the curve balls life will inevitably throw at them. It is okay that social standards have relaxed over the past seventy-five years. Rigidity and strict rules, like young ladies wearing pinafores and white gloves, don’t fit today’s world. But the basic tenets of etiquette still hold strong and true. Proper table manners, pleasant conversational skills, appropriate dress and the use of tact are social graces that make interacting with others agreeable. Etiquette rules that embrace the goals of respecting and valuing others make living side-by-side easier. It is hard to argue the merit of good etiquette. Issue 551 - 5/21/12
TWELVE LONG YEARS OF SCHOOL... GRADUATION ETIQUETTE You’ve worried, struggled, dreaded, pleaded, prayed through twelve long years of school—or more—and now it is time to graduate! Graduation may be the triumph of the student, but it is also payback time for the parents. Parents will be so giddy with pride and joy that they’ll forget the years of lost backpacks, misplaced pairs of glasses, report cards that never seemed to find their way home. In this state of bliss, parents may do some silly things, like ask to be introduced to friends of their children. They may even ask their sons and daughters to stand on the steps of their school for the longest minute on record as they aim, re-aim, adjust and re-adjust and proceed to take five hundred (or more ) photos. It is the graduate’s job to play along, do as asked and remember, they didn’t get to this day alone. Far from it. Graduation is a day we all remember. Some of us want to; some would rather not. Here are some pointers to help graduates land in the first category—those who would like to remember the experience. Send out invitations to the graduation. Typically these are provided by the school. Also typically, there is an extra “card” that goes in with the invitation that says the graduate’s name. Don’t forget to include those in the envelope. Send out announcements. These are sent to friends and relatives who would be thrilled to hear of the graduate’s accomplishments. The list might also include coaches, tutors, piano teachers, scout leaders and treasured babysitters. If the graduate is unable to invite all these folks to the ceremony, sending a note along saying so is a nice touch. Also thanking these lifelong supporters with a note saying how much that support or friendship has meant through the years will mean more than the graduate will ever know. No present fishing. It would be tacky to blanket the populace with news of one’s graduation with the expectation that it will garner boatloads of graduation gifts. Be tolerant of parents and relatives. Parents will be bursting at the seams with pride. This means they may turn into video camera stalkers, leave lipstick marks on cheeks, reveal family nicknames and periodically shed a tear or two. Be patient. Most other graduates are experiencing the same phenomenon. Say thank you. To parents, teachers and other well-wishers—but especially to parents. If the graduate is giving the valedictory address—keep it short. Don’t swear. Hurt no one. Tell a few inside jokes. Radiate idealism. Thank all parents and teachers. Don’t trip when leaving the stage. And above all, consider that it might be a good idea to follow the school dress code for the occasion and wear appropriate attire under your graduation gown. Remember, there may be video camera stalkers lurking about. Issue 552 - 5/28/12
RSVP Ask anyone—children’s parents who throw birthday parties, adults who throw dinner parties, someone getting married, even caterers—and they’ll tell you that their biggest etiquette gripe is that people do not RSVP. The phrase RSVP on an invitation means the host of the event or party is asking the recipient of the invitation to respond indicating that they will or will not be attending. The acronym RSVP is actually short for the French phrase “repondez s’il vous plait,” meaning “respond if you please.” A response to an invitation is usually very important to the host of an event because it allows them to better plan the event around the amount of people who are expected to attend. Weddings and other catered events are usually a prime example of cases where RSVPs really create problems, an accurate head count can mean the difference of hundreds of dollars when planning an event. First, if someone RSVPs that are attending an event and do not show up, the host still has to pay for that meal. With catered events and weddings, often times that can amount to anywhere from $25 to $75 or more per person. Can you imagine inviting someone to a party, catered event or wedding, they RSVP they are coming, and then they don’t show up and you still have to shell out money for them? It can be infuriating, especially when money is tight and frankly, when isn’t it these days? If someone shows up and they have not RSVPd, should they expect there to be enough food for them? Why? If the host believes a guest is not coming since they did not let him or her know either way, the host will definitely not be preparing enough food for them. If someone has a dinner party for eight people, and only four people RSVP that they are coming, then there will be enough food only for those who have RSVPd that they plan to be there. The table will only be set for four people, why would anyone expect it to be different. Sometimes you may see the phrase, “Regrets Only,” on an invitation. This means to RSVP your regrets only if you are unable to attend. Not RSVPing and assuming the host knows whether the invited guest plans to attend or not, just because they should “know,” also communicates a great deal of arrogance on the guest’s part. I’m sure no one intends to communicate arrogance, or a belief that they are better than anyone or everyone else—but not RSVPing because you believe the host or hostess should know you are coming may send the wrong message. Whether one believes that RSVPing is important or not, it is. If you are asked a question, it is impolite to simply not answer the question. A host asking for an RSVP is a person asking the question, “Will you or will you not be attending my event?” Best to simply be polite and answer the question. Issue 553 - 6/04/12
THE IMPORTANCE OF FAMILY TIME Family time is a necessity for those wishing to build happy and healthy families. Parents that take time out to eat as a family, play, read, and talk together, teach children that they matter, that relationships are worth nurturing, and that strong family bonds breed success. Setting aside blocks allocated for family time can be very difficult for busy families. By the time everyone is home from work, school, sports, and other outside activities people are tired, playing a board game seems like the least important item on the to-do list. However, playing a board game, metaphorically, is the most important item to cross off of the list. Eating Together Studies have shown that the family activity with the greatest positive impact on children, is sitting down together to dinner each evening. Benefits for children include learning patience through waiting for everyone to be seated before starting to eat, sitting quietly and calmly, and listening attentively and participating in the conversation. If an evening meal is impossible to schedule, families can find a different meal to gather, a fun idea is to set the table later in the evening when everyone is home, and have dessert together. Let Kids Help Children should be included in meal preparation, setting the table, and clean-up, this is how they learn the skills they will need in their future. Although table manners must be taught and reinforced, mealtime should be a pleasant experience with a focus on togetherness. Quick behavioral reminders will reinforce good manners and then conversation can be resumed. Parents should choose to be in a good mood and not let the day’s issues weigh down the meal. After all, this is family time! Shut Off the Television and the Computer Shutting off the television in the evening helps to place the focus on the people in the house instead of the strangers on the screen. The evening hours spent interacting as a family instead of staring at the television will benefit everyone greatly and will help create warm and lasting memories. Parents who zone out each evening in front of the television or computer for hours and hours rob children of the necessary family time that they need. In a blink of an eye the kids will be up and out of the house and parents will have the rest of their lives to stare blankly at a screen, alone. Making a conscious effort to spend quality family time together is vital to the health and welfare of children. Children do not thrive if parents don’t interact with them daily. When parents choose to have kids, they automatically choose to sacrifice their time to raise their kids. Family time is a parenting tool which helps to regulate the content that children are exposed to and introduce healthier activities. Developing strong relationships with children also will build bonds that last a lifetime. Issue 554 - 6/11/12
THE "D" WORD Okay, so when did discipline become a bad word? Those, like our parents and aunts and uncles, who raised kids over the past couple of decades or so, are sad to see what a “bum rap” the word discipline is getting these days. They think back nostalgically to people complimenting them because their children “had discipline.” I looked at the dictionary definition for this much maligned word, and it is still the same . . . Discipline (dis e-plin) noun: Training expected to produce a specific character or pattern of behavior, esp. training that produces moral or mental improvement. But what has changed? When did discipline become a bad word? There is certainly nothing in the definition of discipline that suggests abusive treatment, spanking, shaming, yelling, screaming or generally losing one’s marbles. So why are we afraid of disciplining our children? And why do we resort to bribing them instead? Don’t children need and want to be reigned-in? Isn’t it a loving parent who sets limits on inappropriate behavior? Don’t children become anxious when they are allowed to lose control, to hit, to scream, to throw the items out of the grocery basket, to use bad manners, to act out in school? Is it shaming a child to point out and correct bad behavior? No! But it is a shame when our children approach adulthood without the necessary tools to be a welcome and productive member of society. It is a shame when our children don’t have the skills needed to function appropriately in social settings, in school, and out in public. When parents establish behavioral standards, make their expectations clear, and respond consistently when standards are violated, they are introducing the basic tenets of a civilized culture. Our children deserve no less. So, discipline your kids, they will thank you for it—and so will their kids. And most important, love your kids up one side and down the other! Apologies Apologies are difficult. Maybe it is because it is hard to admit when we’ve made a mistake or that we are wrong—and that we aren’t perfect. But what is it about not being perfect that is so hard? No one is perfect. So often the only apology we can muster is an insincere apology. Here are three examples:
A sincere apology is simple and has no conditions. The tone of voice matches the words: "I am so sorry I am late." "I am sorry I yelled." That's it. You can follow with promises to do better next time, but make sure that the other person gets that you are truly sorry, and take full responsibility for your actions. That's a sincere apology—and it really isn’t so hard to do, is it? Issue 555 - 6/18/12
SIBLING RIVALRY Janine Finch and her sister, Mary Beth Tanner, keep track of whose kids their mother babysits more. They also compete with each other over parenting styles and their weight. Even after siblings grow up, rivalry and one-upmanship continue to crop up. Experts say adult sibling rivalry is one of the most harmful and least addressed issues in a family. We know it when we see it. Often, we deeply regret it. But we have no idea what to do about it. The sisters have been competitive since childhood—about clothes, boyfriends, grades. Ms. Finch remembers how in grammar school her sister wrote an essay about their grandfather and won a writing award. She recited it at a school assembly with her grandpa standing nearby, beaming. Ms. Finch, seething, vowed to win the award the next year and did. Ms. Tanner married first. Ms. Finch, single at the time, clearly recalls the phone call when her sister told her she was pregnant. “I was excited because this was the first grandchild. Then I got off the phone and cried for two hours,” says Ms. Finch. Ms. Tanner, 33 and a stay-at-home-mom in East Aurora, New York, remembers that she too felt jealous—of her sister’s frequent travel and promotions in her marketing career. “The way my parents would go on and on about her really made me feel ‘less than,’” Ms. Tanner says. Sibling rivalry is a normal aspect of childhood, experts say. Our siblings are our first rivals. They competed with us for the love and attention of the people we needed most, our parents, and it is understandable that we occasionally felt threatened. Much of what is written about sibling rivalry focuses on its effects during childhood. But our sibling relationships are often the longest of our lives. Several research studies indicate that up to 45% of adults have a rivalrous or distant relationship with a sibling. People questioned later in life often say their biggest regret is being estranged from a sister or brother. Putting a Stop to Sibling Rivalry
Issue 556 - 6/25/12
THE IMPORTANCE OF A GOOD REPUTATION A reputation is something that you give birth to, but the way it develops depends on the actions of others. Your reputation lives a very real existence apart from you, representing what everyone thinks about you. It is based partially on your own actions but also on the perceptions others have about others’ perceptions of your actions. We only ever have influence over our reputation—never control—but it remains one of our most precious assets (more important than a job, house, car, or even—money). Our reputation represents the way others look at us. That can be of the utmost importance or utterly trivial. If we have a healthy self-esteem we won’t need others to think well of us—although we may want them to. Those of us with strong self-esteem are still part of the community and need a good reputation for practical purposes—friendship and in order to earn a living are probably the two biggest reasons. It’s hard to have friends if people think you’re mean-spirited and hard to make a living in any capacity if people think you’re lazy, unreliable, or dishonest. In all things, it’s harder to build than to destroy. Building a good reputation requires effort, patience, and time. Destroying a good reputation only requires a single moment’s misstep. The secret to building a good reputation? Become a person who deserves one. Take consistent action that embodies the characteristics you want others to associate with you. Don’t just mouth the platitudes of hard work, attention to detail, loyalty, and drive—live them. In fact, don’t mouth them at all. Let others discover them in you. A reputation is fragile and requires constant feeding. Consistency is crucial. If you live up to your reputation 99 percent of the time but fail to do so 1 percent of the time, you risk disproportionate damage if the person you let down is highly influential. You can’t stop others from maligning you, but a good reputation can come to your rescue when other people who know you rise to your defense without your even knowing it. We are, in fact, all caretakers of one another’s reputations. Sometimes you may not feel you deserve your reputation, that it’s better than you are. Rather than lament your weaknesses, let your good reputation serve as motivation for you to try to improve yourself. As a marketing strategy, a good reputation can be very powerful. When I find a service provider who performance outshines their competition, they become like gold to me. I recommend them enthusiastically to others, and don’t begrudge paying them what they’re worth. Some may think reputation doesn’t matter, that we should all focus on doing our best and let others think what they may. Caring about our reputation doesn’t mean we need others to like us. It means that we, as human beings, strive to be the best we can be and use that as our simple goal. Issue 557 - 7/2/12
WEDDING ETIQUETTE PART 1 Summer is the season of weddings! Local hotels, caterers and event sites report that their weekends are booked through September, at least, and have been for months now. Wedding Etiquette is often the subject that brides, grooms, and guests have the most questions about. To start—who pays for what? Working out a budget for your wedding is one of the first things that should be done, once the date is set. Will the ceremony be formal, semiformal or informal? A formal wedding, of course, will be the most expensive and the informal, the least. Nothing is set in concrete. Who pays for what? The burden of paying for the wedding has shifted in recent years from the shoulders of the father of the bride, to include the groom's family. Also, with many couples marrying later and having money of their own, they are sharing in the expenses. There are no hard and fast rules, but here is a general guideline: Wedding Gown, Headpiece & Accessories Bride’s Family Wedding Ring for Bride Groom Wedding Ring for Groom Bride Wedding Gift for Groom Bride Wedding Gift for Bride Groom Bridesmaid Gifts Bride Groomsmen/Usher Gifts Groom Bride’s Bouquet Groom Bridesmaid Bouquets Bride’s Family Mother’s Corsages Groom Grandmother Corsages Bride’s Family Groom’s Boutonniere Groom Groomsmen/Usher’s Boutonnieres Groom Ceremony/Reception Flowers Bride’s Family Rented Items for Wedding and Reception Bride’s Family Invitations/Announcements/Programs Bride’s Family Napkins/Matches/Printed Items Bride’s Family Marriage License Groom Church Fee Bride’s Family Clergyman/Officiant Fee Groom Musician/Soloist Bride’s Family Reception Hall Fee Bride’s Family Catered Reception/Professional Services Bride’s Family Wedding Photography and Videography Bride’s Family Orchestra/Band/DJ Bride’s Family Wedding Cake Bride’s Family Wedding Favors Bride’s Family Groom’s Cake Groom’s Family Rehearsal Dinner Groom’s Family Bachelor Party Best Man/Groom’s Attendants Bridesmaid’s Gowns Bridesmaids Maid/Matron of Honor Gown Maid/Matron of Honor Formal Wear for Best Man/Usher/Groomsmen Best Man/Ushers/Groomsmen Father of Bride Formal Wear Bride’s Family Father of Groom Formal Wear Groom’s Family Children’s Formal Wear Children’s Parents Limousine Service Groom Honeymoon Arrangements Groom Wedding Tipping Tipping has always been a personal expression of gratitude for service given and appreciated. The question of tipping those persons responsible for assisting you in your wedding planning is one of obvious importance and concern. Gratuities are almost always added into the final bill, whether you have hired a private catering company or hotel facilities. However, if a particular server has spent his evening providing you service, over and above your expectations, and you choose to give that individual a "tip," that choice is entirely up to you. The customary amount would be up to 15%. Florists, Photographers, Bakers, Musicians, Limousine Drivers: Tipping only for extra special services, up to 15%. Be sure to read your contract, as the tip has often already been added into the final bill. Civil Ceremony Officials or Clergymen, Rabbis and Priests: In years gone by, it was considered improper to "ask" a set fee for services rendered. However, today, you may find a "suggested" donation for those performing ceremonies, the average donation ranges from $50 to $100. If travel is involved, an additional gratuity is expected. Issue 558 - 7/9/12
WEDDING ETIQUETTE PART 2 Responsibilities of the Mother of the Groom The mother of the groom is often at a loss as to exactly what role she plays in the marriage of her son. This is even more true when she has not participated previously in a wedding for a daughter or other sibling. The following rules of etiquette are shared to increase the joy and fulfill the traditional responsibilities of the mother of the groom. Her responsibilities include:
It is the responsibility of the groom's parents to host the rehearsal dinner. This can be as simple as a potluck in the backyard or as elaborate as a formal dinner in the finest restaurant. Everyone who takes a part in the ceremony is invited to the dinner. It is proper etiquette to invite the spouse or significant other of those participating, and the parents of children in the wedding. Scheduled family photographs, prior to the wedding, will dictate the groom's parents time of arrival. If photos are not scheduled to be taken before the ceremony, the arrival should be no less than one hour before the appointed time. As the wedding begins, the groom's mother will be escorted down the aisle, to the first pew, right-hand side, by the head usher or a groomsman who is a family member. A nice touch includes the groom escorting his mother down the aisle. As the groom's mother is escorted to her seat, her husband will follow along behind. However, if the parents are divorced, the father of the groom will have been seated previously, two pews behind the mother. Issue 559 - 7/16/12
WEDDING ETIQUETTE PART 3 Responsibilities of the Mother of the Bride The Primary responsibility of the Mother of the Bride is to see that the bride's wishes are carried out the bride's way. It will be your responsibility to help the bride plan her wedding with her tastes in mind—not yours, unless, it is the true desire of the bride to "let mom run things." Here are your primary responsibilities:
Responsibilities of the Maid or Matron of Honor Remember, this is the bride’s day. Your job is to assist the bride and help her day be as carefree and special as possible. As a maid of honor, you should set the tone among the women in the bridal party. Stay cool and never out shine the bride.
Issue 560 - 7/23/12
WEDDING ETIQUETTE PART 4 Wedding Invitation Etiquette Traditionally, invitations go out six to eight weeks before the wedding—that gives guests plenty of time to clear their schedules and make travel arrangements if they don’t live in town. If it’s a destination wedding, give guests more time and send them out three months ahead of time. Most couples also send out save-the-date cards. They go out at six to eight months. Make your RSVP date two to three weeks before your wedding date—this will allow enough time for you to get a final head count to the caterer (one week before) and to finalize your seating chart. If some guests still haven’t responded by your deadline, give them a quick call and ask for their RSVPs (still via mail) so you have all their information. Your wedding website should be included on your save-the-date. A simple “AmandaandJon.com,” is all you really need. If you’d like (or if you don’t have save-the-dates), you can include the web address in the formal invitations with an insert—a small card that informs guests they can find more details online. Including registry info on the wedding invitations or save-the-dates is still considered impolite because it can come off as though you’re asking for gifts. Tell your wedding party, parents and close friends where you are registered, and let them fill guests in. Plus, most guests will know that all that extra information (that they didn’t find on the invitation) is on your wedding website. If you’re having an adults-only wedding, address your invitations correctly—to each guest by name, not “and guest.” Guests should understand that the invite is meant for only those mentioned. If you find that some reply with their children’s names added, give them a call and explain that you’re having an adults-only wedding and that you hope they can still attend. If you would like a particular dress code, include it in the lower right-hand corner of the invite or on a reception card; “black-tie,” “cocktail attire” or “casual attire” are all acceptable. You do not have to invite everyone as an “and guest.” If a guest isn’t married or in a serious relationship, it’s perfectly acceptable to invite them solo. Most guests will understand that without “and Guest” or another name on the invitation means they aren’t invited to bring someone with them. While it’s always nice to invite everyone with a guest, if you’re having a small wedding, your family and friends should understand your reasoning. If a guest RSVPs with two and were invited solo, call them and explain that you’re having an intimate wedding and, unfortunately, you were not able to invite everyone with a guest. But if you realize that nearly everyone will be coupled up, extend a plus-one invitation to your few single friends and family. Issue 561 - 7/30/12
WEDDING ETIQUETTE PART 5 Wedding Guest Etiquette
While a wedding is a time to enjoy yourself, no one appreciates a drunk guest embarrassing themselves. Drink alcohol in moderation. Above all, enjoy yourself, and tell the happy couple that you are so pleased for them. Wedding Gift Etiquette
Issue 562 - 8/6/12
EMAIL ETIQUETTE PART 1 THE TOP TEN RULES While email etiquette on a professional level is paramount business success, many of the basic rules of email etiquette can be applied on a personal level as well. Let’s talk about some specifics. 1. Be concise and to the point. Do not make an email longer than it needs to be. Remember that reading an email is harder than reading printed communications and a long email can be very discouraging to read. 2. Answer all questions, and preempt further questions. An email reply must answer all questions, and preempt further questions. If you do not answer all the questions in the original email, you will receive further emails regarding the unanswered questions, which will not only waste your time but also cause considerable frustration. 3. Use proper spelling, grammar and punctuation. This is not only important because improper spelling, grammar and punctuation give a bad impression of you or your company, it is also important for conveying the message properly. Emails with no full stops or commas are difficult to read and can sometimes even change the meaning of the text. And, if your program has a spell checking option, why not use it? 4. Make it personal. Not only should the email be personally addressed, it should also include personal or customized content. For this reason auto replies are usually not very effective. 5. Use templates for frequently used responses. In business you may find some questions you get over and over again, such as directions to your office or how to subscribe to your newsletter. Save these texts as response templates and paste these into your message when you need them. 6. Answer swiftly. People typically send an email because they wish to receive a quick response. If they did not want a quick response they might send a letter. Therefore, each email should be replied to within at least 24 hours, and preferably within the same day. If the email is complicated, just send an email back saying that you have received it and that you will get back to them. This will put the sender’s mind at ease and they will know their email didn’t end up in the “spam” folder. 7. Do not attach unnecessary files. By sending large attachments you can annoy customers and even bring down their email system. Wherever possible try to compress attachments and only send attachments when they are productive. 8. Use proper structure and layout. Since reading from a screen is more difficult than reading from paper, the structure and lay out is very important for email messages. Use short paragraphs and blank lines between each paragraph. When making points, number them or mark each point as separate to keep the overview. 9. Do not overuse the high priority option. We all know the story of the boy who cried wolf. If you overuse the high priority option, it will lose its function when you really need it. Moreover, even if a mail has high priority, your message will come across as slightly aggressive if you flag it as “high priority.” 10. Do not write in CAPITALS. IF YOU WRITE IN CAPITALS IT SEEMS AS IF YOU ARE SHOUTING. This can be highly annoying and might trigger an unwanted response in the form of a flame mail. Therefore, try not to send any email text in capitals. Issue 563 - 8/13/12
EMAIL ETIQUETTE PART 2 COMMON SENSE RULES Last week we talked about the top ten etiquette rules for email. This week we’ll take it a step further and talk about common sense rules of email etiquette. 1. Read the email before you send it. A lot of people don't bother to read an email before they send it out, as can be seen from the many spelling and grammar mistakes contained in emails. Apart from this, reading your email through the eyes of the recipient will help you send a more effective message and avoid misunderstandings and inappropriate comments. One sender consistently sends email messages with “reverse all caps.” Not paying attention to the caps-lock button on the keyboard, the sender’s emails end up with the initial letter of a sentence in lower case and the remainder of the sentence in upper case. 2. Do not overuse Reply to All Only use Reply to All if you really need your message to be seen by each person who received the original message. 3. Sending to multiple recipients. When sending an email mailing, some people place all the email addresses in the To: field. Using this practice lets the recipients know you have sent the same message to a large number of people as well as publicizing someone else’s email address without their permission. One way to get round this is to place all addresses in the Bcc: field. 4. Take care with abbreviations and emoticons. Particularly with business emails, try not to use abbreviations such as BTW (by the way) and LOL (laugh out loud). The recipient might not be aware of the meanings of the abbreviations and in business emails these are generally not appropriate. The same goes for emoticons, such as the smiley :-). If you are not sure whether your recipient knows what it means, it is better not to use it. 5. Be careful with formatting. Remember that when you use formatting in your emails, the sender might not be able to view formatting, or might see different fonts than you had intended. When using colors, use a color that is easy to read on the background. 6. Do not forward chain letters. Do not forward chain letters. We can safely say that all of them are hoaxes. Just delete the letters as soon as you receive them. 7. Do not request delivery and read receipts. This will almost always annoy your recipient before he or she has even read your message. If you want to know whether an email was received it is better to ask the recipient to let you know if it was received. 8. Do not ask to recall a message. Biggest chances are that your message has already been delivered and read. A recall request would look very silly in that case. It is better to send an email saying that you made a mistake. This will look much more honest than trying to recall a message. Issue 564 - 8/20/12
BACK TO SCHOOL ETIQUETTE The manners of school behavior are no different than the manners of group situations your child will encounter throughout life. During the final days of summer vacation, talking through back to school etiquette with your children will help them start the new school year on the right track. The following suggestions are from the Emily Post Institute. Respect Your Teachers: Just like most adults, teachers are more likely to respond to children who are well mannered and respectful.
Greetings: Teach your children, as soon as they are old enough to understand, to greet people by name. Learning early on to look someone in the eye with a smile and say "Hello, Mr. Stein"—instead of "Hi" mumbled at the ground—is a valuable lesson for the future. Cafeteria Manners: School lunches are typically accompanied by general chaos and a lack of volume control, but children can still be taught to use the following manners: use utensils when appropriate; chew with mouth closed (no matter how tempting the "See Food" joke is); don’t speak when their mouths are full; and use napkins (not their sleeves). Interrupting: Teach your child not to interrupt: her teacher, her classmates, a classroom guest. This is part of learning to respect other people's rights. It is up to you to teach your child to wait for a break in the conversation to speak. Fair Play: Fair play among children is really just good sportsmanship and respect for others. It includes the practice of kindness, taking turns and sharing. Issue 565 - 8/27/12
TRAVEL ETIQUETTE WHO GETS THE ARMREST? As our “personal space” on airplanes seems to get increasingly smaller—seats get smaller and people get larger—travel etiquette gets increasingly more important. If you happen to be a frequent flyer in economy class, you may find yourself subjected to never-ending inconveniences. We are not only competing for legroom, we are also competing for the armrest and even breathing space! As airlines push seats closer and closer together, civility among passengers continues to decline. 1. Who gets the armrest? Frequent travelers, flight attendants and etiquette experts weigh in differently. Some say that the person in the middle seat should get both armrests as the travelers in the other two seats have one each they do not have to share with anyone else. Others say it is important to share throughout the duration of the flight. 2. Space encroachment You sit in your seat and the seven-foot-tall stranger you hope is sitting several rows behind you, indicates he is your neighbor for your five-hour flight. As he sits down, his knees jut out wide, encroaching on your space. Again, opinions differ significantly. If the number one rule of etiquette is to do your best to make those around you feel more comfortable and at ease, how can you begrudge the man space to put his legs? On the other hand, you have paid for your seat, armrest to armrest and are entitled to the room to stretch your legs as well. Perhaps a gentle mention of your stiff legs will prompt him to stretch his legs out in the aisle for a bit, although that will also mean he will need to be more aware of food and beverage carts moving about the cabin. 3. Excusing yourself when the person next to the aisle in sound asleep. What to do? Try your best to climb over them and not wake them? And if they wake while you are attempting your climb, you risk a very awkward moment indeed and the potential of startling them. In general, the need to excuse yourself is a fact of life. We all do our best to put it off as long as possible when sitting next to a sleeping stranger. However, a simple tap on the shoulder and request to leave your seat is all that should be necessary. Most people understand regardless of their need for sleep. 4. Restless (loud, obnoxious) children. One would assume that asking the offending child’s parents to do their best to get the behavior under control should do the trick. Surprisingly, this doesn’t always yield the expected results. On one recent trip, I overheard the flight attendant (mid-flight) tell the parents (after a third request for intervention), that it would be a shame if she had to put the kids off the plane. The chuckles overheard by nearby passengers resulted in the parents paying more attention than they had previously. One blogger wrote that on a recent flight she heard a pilot in his initial announcement remind passengers that for the next few hours they should consider themselves one big family. She went on to say that she doubted “family feud” was what the pilot had in mind. Issue 566 - 9/3/12
SMILING IS GOOD FOR YOU AND GOOD FOR BUSINESS In my basic business etiquette workshops, I remind attendees to smile before they answer the phone or make a phone call of their own. There are many basic benefits to smiling. Smiling makes us more attractive. People are drawn to someone who is smiling, even if only to find out what they are smiling about. Smiling also changes our mood. Next time you are feeling down, try putting on a smile. There's a good chance you mood will change for the better. Smiling can trick the body into helping you change your mood. Smiling is contagious. When someone is smiling they lighten up the room, change the moods of others, and make things happier. There are many health benefits associated with smiling. Smiling helps the immune system to work better. When you smile, immune function improves possibly because you are more relaxed. Prevent the flu and colds by smiling. There is also a measurable reduction in your blood pressure when you are smiling. Give it a try if you have a blood pressure monitor at home. Sit for a few minutes, take a reading. Then smile for a minute and take another reading while still smiling. Do you notice a difference? Taking the smile benefits a step further, think about what a smile can mean for your business. What if every customer who walked through your door was greeted with a smile? What if every customer who called your business could hear you smiling over the phone? When the transaction was over, how would your customers feel if you smiled and thanked them for their business? Do you think it would impact your bottom line? The answer is obvious. A smile is one of the easiest ways to build your business. Not only do your customers feel good, you and your employees get the same positive benefit. Some days you may not feel like smiling. Perhaps it is late in the afternoon and you haven't had a chance to eat your lunch. Just as you head to an out-of-the-way spot to grab your sandwich, someone walks in the door. You really have to work to smile. Perhaps the last person you spoke to on the phone just chewed you out. When the phone rings again, if you haven't recovered from that unpleasant experience, a grin is hard to come by. Every customer deserves a pleasant greeting no matter how you feel. In addition to exceptional services and products, people want three things from those with whom they do business. None of the three will cost you a cent. People want and need eye contact, a smile and to hear their name. As it turns out, the month of May is National Smile month. No need to wait until then however, make smiling a priority in your business every day from now on, and you will reap the benefits. Issue 567 - 9/10/12
BIGGEST ETIQUETTE GRIPES With every new series of etiquette classes I teach, we start the first class with what our biggest etiquette gripes are. I write, “Rude, Rude, Rude,” on a dry erase board and we have at it. Regardless of the age of the group, a few gripes show up no matter what. “People cutting in front of you,” I hear that one a lot. “Burping in someone’s face,” that comes from the nine-year-old boys. Invariably there is a shy girl who speaks up and says, “gossip.” With that, I see a lot of heads nodding. Bullying usually makes the board as does talking with your mouth full, not saying “excuse me,” and being interrupted. Being with someone who is always on their cell phone or texting gets a lot of nods of agreement too. After we’ve added as many rude things as we can think of to the board, we go back and everyone has the opportunity to pick the single rudest thing they see up there. The first time I did this, particularly with middle-schoolers, I wasn’t sure what to expect. Their top pick? Gossip. When I facilitated an etiquette training session for a business in Littleton, their top pick? Gossip. It was surprising to me that so many agreed gossip was the rudest thing they encounter. Although I shouldn’t have been surprised really. I tell my students, the number one rule of etiquette is to ensure that those around us feel more comfortable and at ease. Gossip is certainly the antithesis of that rule. We see gossip’s role in school bullying and cyber-bulling with our kids, and the sometimes tragic outcome that is born of a group of people who make it their life mission to destroy the reputation of another. Personally, I have encountered disturbing gossip on a professional level more times than I would like to remember. I have seen careers sidetracked, or ruined. I have seen colleagues grow distrustful of one another and I have seen people succeed more than they deserved to due to their ability to malign others. I’ve also seen the gossiper, within the span of less than fifteen minutes, turn around and hug the same person they were so recently maligning. Eleanor Roosevelt, often quoted by my grandmother, said, “Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.” As we listen to the rhetoric in the days before the upcoming national election, this quote again applies regardless of party affiliation or candidate support. My thirteen-year-old son had a homework assignment during the Republican National Convention. The assignment was to listen to one speech and be prepared to discuss the main topics the speaker focused on. I sat with him as he made his notes. I didn’t hear the same things he did, I suppose because my ear has learned to sort through the negative and try to find something positive, constructive and useful. He heard mainly blame, complaining and maligning. I’m sure he will glean the same if a future homework assignment involves a speech evaluation from the Democratic National Convention. Great minds discussing ideas should be the winner—every time. |
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