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Issue 740 - January 4, 2016
MANNERS MATTER 1. ARE MANNERS MORE IMPORTANT THAN LAW? I had a rude neighbor. He owned a motorcycle and loved to work on it in his garage. He would rev the engine as he tuned it then let it idle loudly for hours. Every time he came in or out of his driveway he would roar the noisy machine as loudly as possible with no regard for his neighbors. Everyone hated the guy but he was oblivious about how unpopular he was. That is, until one of his closest neighbors called the cops. A very clever policeman talked the man into being a good neighbor by pointing out there are laws against loud noises in a residential area. Should we need laws to control such behavior? Isn’t it natural to assume your neighbors do not want to be shocked out of their sleep at 1:00 AM when you come home from your favorite biker bar? The answer is no, you cannot assume that everyone respects the space of other people. Fact is bad manners are common in today’s selfish world. How many times have you heard someone talk loudly on their cell phone? Have you ever held the door open for someone as they slithered past you without mumbling a “Thank you!”? I have – many times So, what do we need: more laws or better manners? It was a British statesman of the 1700s who said, “Manners are of more importance than laws.” (Edmund Burke). I agree with Mr. Burke. After all, you cannot write a law that will force people to chew their food with their mouth closed or stop texting when you are talking to them. For the next few weeks let’s talk about this thing called manners, deportment, good breeding, civility, courtesy, culture, dignity, etiquette, elegance, politeness, refinement, propriety, etc. I will describe bad manners and then provide suggestions how you and I can make some changes for the better. Ways we can be good examples first and then teach good manners to our children, fiends, employees, and if necessary, our boorish neighbors. What do you say to the person who does not hold open the door for a mom who has a bag of groceries in one hand while she pushes a stroller with the other? How should you help someone who trips and falls in a parking lot? Is there a polite way to deal with those who constantly interrupt others with a loud voice and rude tone? What do you do or say to the person who is dressed inappropriately - like the lady who wears her pajamas to the grocery store or the guy who thinks everyone wants to see the color of his boxer shorts. What I’m asking you (and me) to do is practice politeness, to be mannerly and kind to one another. Would you mind if we talked about that for the next few weeks? I mean, I don’t want to be impolite and suggest that YOU are the problem; I just want to talk about it if you don’t mind. Thank you very much! Issue 741 - January 11, 2016
MANNERS MATTER 2. WHAT TO DO ABOUT A CELL PHONE ADDICT Rudeness happens when you are with someone who is obsessed with his/her high-tech device such as a cell phone or tablet. How loudly can I say this: CONSTANTLY CHECKING YOUR CELL PHONE FOR TEXT MESSAGES WHILE VISITING WITH SOMEONE IS RUDE! A couple of years ago Nokia commissioned a study that found the average smartphone user checked their phone 150 times during the 16 hours they were awake. That means they were distracted from whatever they were doing every six minutes! In the digital world a two-year-old study is an old study so what do you bet the average smartphone user checks it twice that amount today? How do you deal with people who have their right hand permanently stuck to their cell phone? Here are some suggestions: Start with politeness – ask them courteously if they could stop looking at their cell phone for a few minutes “so we can talk.” If that doesn’t work pause your speech every time they look at their phone. If they have any sense of propriety they might get the hint. If that doesn’t work ask them if they have something important they must deal with. It is possible they have a legitimate reason to check their phone. If that doesn’t work try a little humor. Get out your cell phone and take a picture of them checking their cell phone and text it to them with the message, “Would love to talk. Drop by sometime!” If that doesn’t work try the direct approach. Say to them, “I really like talking to you but do you need to be somewhere else?” Their response will be something like, “Oh no – man I’m glad to be here – this phone you know…” And you can say, “I would sincerely appreciate it if you put your phone down and joined in on the conversation. Do you think that is possible?” The last thing you can do is to exit the room or space without comment and without rancor. After all, they were the one who suspended the conversation in favor of reading a joke sent to them by a Facebook friend. If you host a party you will have the problem of more than one cell phone addict. Here is a suggestion I heard about: as your guests arrive demand nicely and with a winsome smile that all cell phones be checked at the door. Put them in a basket and place the basket in a closet. Many attendees will really like the idea. Some won’t, but stand strong. A similar approach is taken by a group of executives who meet for lunch regularly. As soon as they are seated they all place their cell phones on the table. The first person to look at or pick up their cell phone pays the tab. There is one easy and polite way o deal with cell phones: While at lunch with a client our conversation was so interesting that both of us ignored the dings and vibrations coming from our cell phones. As we finished our meal and our conversation died down it was time to go. I said, “Tell you what Jack; let’s check our cell phones before we leave, ok?” We both grabbed our phones and stared at them for a few minutes. That is the polite thing to do. Issue 742 - January 18, 2016
MANNERS MATTER 3. PERSONAL SPACE INVADERS When your 4th grader steps off the school bus after a day at school and she runs and jumps into your arms, do you like that? When eating out with friends how much space do you want between you and them? When you speak to a stranger how close to them do you stand? These are all a matter of what social scientists call proxemics: a study of the amount of space around us that establishes our comfort level when we interact with other people. Spatial comfort levels vary depending on the situation, upbringing, and culture you live in. Most Americans prefer an arms-length perimeter around them. Some cultures you can be closer, but as a rule of manners, an arms-length is a safe measure. Invade that space and you will likely be considered rude. Recently a man came up to me looked me hard in the eyes and, using a loud voice, introduced himself. He didn’t offer to shake hands – he was too close for that. I found it very uncomfortable and stepped back a bit. No problem for him – he stepped forward and continued to engage me in conversation only inches from my face. I didn’t like it. It was rude. There is another way to invade someone’s personal space and that is to violate their private space by barging in on them without notice. Hotels give their guests “do not disturb” cards to hang on their doors. People close the doors to their office or prefer to drive 20 miles to work alone rather than car-pool to protect their personal space. I could always tell when my wife did not want me to peek into her bathroom: she shut the door. Other ways space invaders wreak havoc on their fellow human beings is to sneeze, emit offensive noises or odors, talk loudly, crowd you in a line at the cash register, or talk out loud in church or at the theater, etc. They are rude and sometimes you would like to ask their mothers why they didn’t teach them good manners. You can also be a space invader on the highway. I pulled out in front of a guy on a busy road and he didn’t like it. My phone number was on the tailgate of my pickup so the guy called me. He said, “I would like to report one of your drivers is very rude and he just pulled out in front of me and almost caused an accident.” I knew immediately the guy had a problem because while I did pull out in front of him there was no likelihood of an accident. He was exaggerating, but I was invading his space so he invaded my space with a phone call to let me to know. The social laws that define the spatial differences required between people are unwritten and sometimes hard to define or follow. Some are clear like greeting your 4th grade daughter at the bus stop, having lunch with your lifetime pal, meeting with a client, or visiting with a stranger. A well-mannered person will know intuitively which law to obey because when it comes to protecting your personal space - manners matter. Issue 743 - JANUARY 25, 2016
MANNERS MATTER 4. SAGGING TROUSERS AND PJs IN PUBLIC Trousers worn with the waistbands around the hips so the whole world sees your underpants: bad manners. It is a style overwhelmingly favored by young males and causes them to walk with a bizarre gait and constantly “hitch up” their trousers so they don’t fall to the ground. I have one word to describe this fashion: revolting. That, however, may be why so many male youth wear their pants down, but it is still bad manners. Women, on the other hand, often wear clothes that reveal too much either by slits, gaps, holes, missing buttons or by wearing clothes that are either too thin or too tight. That too is bad manners. I’ve seen both men and women wear their pajamas to the grocery store: bad manners. Nightwear is absolutely appropriate if you are sleeping or lounging around your house. But trust me on this: your fellow-shoppers in the grocery store do not want to see you in your PJs no matter how much of your body they cover or reveal. Please take a little pride in yourself and change out of your jammies before you leave your house for anything much more than taking out the garbage. How long does it take to put on a pair of jeans and a shirt? Let me answer that: LESS THAN A MINUTE. My thesis is simple: Living good manners includes wearing appropriate clothing in public. High schools across the nation are creating dress codes for prom night as girls and some boys show up in clearly inappropriate dress. If you don’t know what I’m talking about Google “Inappropriate Prom Dresses” and you’ll be shocked. Some schools use posters plastered throughout the school that have pictures of appropriate and inappropriate prom dresses. Others distribute booklets that present the rules and the reasons for appropriate wear. I have just one question: Where the heck are the parents? Good manners and your personal success require that you dress to fit the occasion. A three-piece-suit at a pool party is just as out of place as a bikini in church. A construction worker going for a job interview should not wear a new suit and an accountant going for a job interview in a bank should not show up in blue jeans and a hard hat. The problem we face is how to deal with inappropriate dress. When you see a rootless rebellious teenager wearing sagging trousers that reveal his plaid underpants, or when a female in her PJs walks in to Walmart you have two choices: You can stare and snicker at them or just look the other direction. When inappropriate dress begins to happen on the job or in a school you can create a dress code and enforce it. Could it be that some people are so socially unaware they don’t realize there is such a thing as appropriate dress? Perhaps it can be blamed on our dress-down society where blue jeans, wrinkled shirts, sockless tennis shoes and uncombed hair are in style. But I don’t care if they are in style because first impressions are still lasting impressions. If you want to make a good first impression, if you want to be polite and gain respect from those around you, dress appropriately. Dress like the person you want to become. Always wear appropriate dress because Manners Matter! Issue 744 - February 1, 2016
MANNERS MATTER 5. FOUL LANGUAGE “Please leave your profanity outside!” was a sign I saw on the door of a local restaurant. Seems to me we shouldn’t need such a sign in a public place. However we do live in a society where course talk is commonplace. Television shows and movies are increasingly laced with profanity, often injected not to advance the story but to shock the audience. What’s with all the profanity now commonly used by all ages - children through senior citizens? Here are five observations about foul language and the world we live in: Observation 1: Profanity is dim-witted. Any dunce can spew out a few obscene words to fill the void of a feeble vocabulary, embellish a story, or respond to a provocation. To speak intelligently takes, well, intelligence, duh. Someone said, “When a man uses profanity to support an argument, it indicates that either the man or the argument is weak – probably both.” Observation 2: Profanity is easy to learn. Remember when you were a kid and you heard your first curse word? It was fixed permanently in your mind upon first hearing even if you didn’t know what it meant. If I could teach you five new profanities followed by five new blessings, which do you think would be the easiest to recall? We both know the answer. Why, I wonder, are profane words, curses, and filthy stories so easy to learn and use? As a young minister I stopped in to visit with an old high-school friend who was married and had a three-year-old son. He had taught his little boy a variety of curse words and was anxious for him to perform his disgusting vocabulary for me. I listened with horror as this little child spat out a series of filthy words that would embarrass a drunken sailor; his father laughed; I did not. Observation 3: Profanity is a weapon. If you want to get one-up on the other guy, just dress him down with a profane word play spat out with a look of anger and spite. You will leave him speechless and wounded and your accompanying adrenaline rush will make you feel like a powerful person when in fact you are a witless embarrassing conversational cripple. Observation 4: Profanity is optional. I had a basketball buddy who used the famous “F” word with nearly every phrase he spoke. He was also the coach for his granddaughter’s softball team. I wanted to ask him how difficult it was for him to leave that word out of his sentences when he was coaching the 12-year-old girls. I guess even the vilest profane talkers can adjust their vocabulary to fit the audience although accidents do happen and a curse word or two can be dropped on the wrong audience. Observation 5: Profanity is not necessary. There is hardly any conversation where profanity communicates better than an intelligent powerful and sharp-pointed verbal punch. If you are addicted to profanity you are embarrassing yourself while offending others. Start today to substitute pleasing words for profane words, blessings instead of curses. Don’t tell dirty stories tell clean ones. Don’t use profanity, use propriety. Don’t use defamatory words, use congratulatory words. You will raise your self-esteem and those around you will find you much more likeable! Note: Many parents concerned about all the profanity on TV should check out www.TVGuardian.com. They have a way to filter out bad language so you or your children do not have to hear it. Issue 745 - February 8, 2016
MANNERS MATTER 6. RESPECT THE ELDERLY: Seven Simple Ways to be Polite to your Grandparents Old people always think the children in their town are rude, smart-alecky and have no respect for their elders, and to some degree they are right. However, every generation makes the same claims so it is not a new problem. Since I am now considered elderly (I’m 72-years-old) I can write this with great authority: The elderly are not stupid or inexperienced or unaware of “how things are these days.” Just the opposite! We are intelligent, experienced and very aware of how things are. Just because we don’t wear the latest styles or speak the lingo of the day, and just because we don’t know what Pinterest is or how to use the latest app on our cell phone, does not mean we don’t have something to offer the world – even in our old age, so give us some respect! I have come up with seven simple ways you can be polite to your grandparents and every other elderly person out there: First of all, listen to us. When we try to make a connection with you do not roll your eyes and get impatient. And don’t interrupt us. Give us your ear – you just might learn something, after all, we have recovered from more mistakes than you have had time to make. So Listen and learn. Next, respond respectfully. Just because you know all the latest slang and just because you are young and clever and cute does not mean you have the right to disrespect your elders. Respond to our questions with gentle and polite words. It won’t hurt, I promise you. Third, address us using sir or ma’am. Why? Because it is polite too, that’s why. Fourth, ask for advice. You want to make your grandma happy? Ask her to teach you how to bake chocolate chip cookies. You want to make your grandpa glow? Ask him what he thinks it takes to be successful. You don’t have to take our advice and you can keep buying your chocolate chip cookies at Sam’s club, but just asking shows respect. Here’s my favorite – number five: Ask about our lives. Ask how he met Grandma, ask Grandma what she thought of Grandpa the first time she saw him. Ask how they survived the difficult days of their lives. We will tell you some amazing stories and share with you some hard earned wisdom. Number six, tell us you respect and appreciate us. Just a word or two is all this takes and there is nothing easier to do than express appreciation. Number seven, go ahead and touch us – hold our hand or hug us. Some old people haven’t been hugged in years and we could use one once in a while. Respect your elders, you know why? Because when it comes to your elders, Manners Matter. To read more by Dr. Ross please visit RonRossToday.com. If you have a story about manners (good or bad) email Dr. Ross at RonRoss@RonRossToday.com ©2016 Ronald D. Ross Issue 746 - February 15, 2016
MANNERS MATTER 7. INGRATITUDE Kids are ungrateful because that is how they were raised. At birth, if they were hungry, all they had to do was scream until their mother fed them. The baby had no concept of what the mother just went through to bring the child to full term and give birth, then start caring for his/her every need even before her contractions ceased. The baby wasn’t grateful for the feeding even though a quiet sleep followed. Fast forward eight years when Aunt Tilly brings over a gift for “my favorite nephew.” Do not be shocked if the 8-year-old kid grabs the present, rips off the pretty wrapping and then dashes out the door without even mumbling a thank you. He never had to say thank you for all those 3 AM feedings he demanded so why would he have to say thank you for a dinky little gift he never asked for? Fast forward another decade. High school kids feel just as entitled to favors as do infants. A teacher told me that many of his students ask for letters of recommendation to use in their applications for colleges, scholarships or employment. He wrote, “Rarely do teachers ever receive a formal thank you note or even an email from these students or hear if they received the scholarship, job, etc.” Ingratitude is not new. Author Max Lucado writes, “I believe ingratitude is the original sin. I believe if Adam and Eve had been grateful for the Garden of Eden they had, they would not have been so focused on the one tree they didn't have.” St. Ignatius takes ingratitude a bit farther and lists it as “…the most abominable of sins…” I’m not sure about the sin thing, but I do know that ingratitude is bad manners. Not for a hungry infant with an empty stomach, but it is for a child, youth, or adult who has so much to be thankful for. There is a word for someone who is ungrateful and it is not a very nice word: ingrate. You do not want to be called an ingrate. It means you are a self-seeking thankless boor. An ingrate is socially and spiritually blind, deaf and mute who sees no good, hears no good and speaks no good. You might think you have little to be thankful for because you don’t have a three-car garage or because you can’t afford to upgrade your iPhone to the latest version or because you didn’t get to eat out last night. But look what do you have? You have more money, more possession, more opportunities, more freedom, more comforts, more entertainment, and more of everything than most people in the world. A Forbes magazine article published in 2013 made this observation: “…the typical person in the bottom 5 percent of the American income distribution is still richer than 68 percent of the world’s inhabitants.” Start giving thanks for what you have. Tell your waiter thanks, the bus driver thanks, and the grocery store clerk thanks. Tell your teacher, coach, parent, child, pastor, gardener, friend, and everyone and anyone who ever does anything to you or for you “thank you!” How hard is that? It is polite to show appreciation and even in this self-centered indifferent world, manners matter! For more “Manners Matter” by Dr. Ross visit RonRossToay.com. ©2016 Dr. Ronald Ross Issue 747 - February 22, 2016
MANNERS MATTER 8. IMPOLITE CHILDREN The child sitting down the row from me in a dark movie theater needed to go to the bathroom. As he passed me in the darkness he stepped on my toe. He did the same thing on his way back. He never said, “Excuse me” or “I’m sorry!” He acted as if I was the problem because I was in his way. Why are so many children unruly and ill-mannered in public? I have the answer: Because the adults who are supposed to teach their children how to be polite have not taught them. Here are four possible reasons why parents fail to teach their children good manners. ONE: They were never taught manners themselves. Parents cannot teach their children to do something they do not know how to do themselves. How many adults do you know who have let the door slam in your face or never said please or thank you? TWO: They are afraid of reprisal. Have you ever seen a little kid throw a great big fit in a grocery store because his mother wouldn’t buy him a candy bar? He screamed, grabbed an item in her basket and threw it at her and generally raised holy heck. Everyone who watched thought, “That kid needs a good swat on the butt.” No doubt the mother thought the same thing, but she also thought, “If I swat him on the butt someone here is going to call Social Services or the cops and within a few hours I’ll be arrested for child abuse.” In today’s politically correct world it is a legitimate fear. So the mom decides it is easier to let the kid humiliate her and make a public nuisance of himself than it is to take the chance of going to jail. THREE: They are exhausted. So many parents work a full-time job and come home tired every night. They spend eight to ten hours putting out fires at work dealing with employees or employers who have temper tantrums. By the time they get home at night they are too tired to discipline their little ankle biter so they let him/her run wild. FOUR: The parents believe it is their job to make their kids happy. When you discipline a child or teach them mannerly behavior sometimes you must make the child do things he/she does not want to do. That is when they scream, “All I want to do is be happy!” If the parent agrees with the child the child is in control of the household. In his book, “Have a New Kid by Friday,” Dr. Kevin Leman says the goal of parenting is not to create happy kids; rather, it is to create responsible kids. To teach them to be responsible means you must repeat yourself over and over again until they learn, and that gets tiring. It also means you will have to know where, when and how to discipline them and to do it no matter how exhausted you are. It will be worth it, believe me. Consider it an investment now that will bring you substantial returns later. You will be proud of your mannerly, well-behaved child. Everyone else in the grocery store, movie theater, or classroom will too. With some extra effort, in a few years you will have raised a polite, responsible child. And as your child learns to be polite and responsible he/she will also be happy – because manners matter. For more “Manners Matter” by Dr. Ross please visit RonRossToday.com. Issue 748 - February 29, 2016
MANNERS MATTER 9. TABLE MANNERS When you eat by yourself you may gobble your food like a hungry pig if you want because no one cares. But when you eat with someone else, and especially when you eat in public, table manners matter. In 1922 a writer named Emily Post wrote Etiquette in Society, in Business, in Politics, and at Home. You might not believe it, but it became an instant best seller followed by several updated versions over the decades that followed. I don’t know who is writing her stuff today, but in 2014 she came out with a new updated version titled, Emily Post’s Etiquette with Illustrations, and she has a website – emilypost.com. Pretty modern girl, don’t you think? Table manners are an important part of mannerly living so I checked with emilypost.com and there I found a page titled, “Top Ten Table Manners.” I hope Ms. Post doesn’t mind, but I have decided to list them to remind both of us that table manners matter. Top Ten Table Manners by Emily Post Table manners have evolved over centuries to make the practice of eating with others pleasant and sociable. With so many table manners to keep track, keep these basic, but oh-so-important, table manners in mind as you eat:
Here are two final tips for good table manners that my mother taught me: Use the right utensil. Some day you will be invited to a dinner party where the hostess has set a variety of utensils at your plate. Deciding which knife, fork, or spoon to use is easier to figure out than you might have thought. Use the “outside-in” rule which says, use the utensils on the outside first and work your way inward. Or easier yet, wait until the host or hostess starts eating and use the same utensil they use. Wait to start eating. In most cases it is polite to wait until everyone has been served before you start to eat whether you are eating at a restaurant or in a home. If everyone has not been served (usually at a large table of guests) the hostess may tell those who have been served to go ahead and eat. Lest you think Emily Post was a stuffed-shirt high society snob from a past generation, she was not. “Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others.” She wrote. “If you have that awareness, you have good manners, no matter what fork you use.” For more “Manners Matter” by Dr. Ross please visit RonRossToday.com. Issue 749 - March 7, 2016
MANNERS MATTER 10. MANNERS ON THE ROAD Every road you drive on is filled with cheerful people who are courteous and careful on their commute, right? Wong. You and I, however, are always considerate and polite when we are behind the wheel, right? Wrong again. All drivers are guilty of angry responses to rude drivers even though we too forget to use our turn signals, or speed up to keep someone from merging in front of us, or delay hitting the gas on a green light because we just got a text from someone. If you would like to know how I need to improve my manners on the road – just keep reading! I need to stop tailgating. When I ride the bumper of the car in front of me I do not get to my destination any faster, especially when I’m stuck in gridlocked traffic. The guy in front of me is NOT my problem – I am the problem. I need pull down my anxiety level, turn on some soft music and chill out. I must allow people to merge. “Let me in, you idiot!” I screamed recently as I tried to change lanes. A few miles later a guy wanted to get in front of me and my attitude was the opposite. “I own this lane you idiot!” I screamed! “You’re not getting in front of me.” Then it dawned on me who the idiot was and I let the guy merge. I must always use my turn signals – always. For the life of me I don’t know why sometimes it is so hard to turn on that little blinky thing. I must ALWAYS yield to emergency vehicles. The rule is to move to the right if possible or do whatever it takes to pull over and let the police car, fire truck, ambulance or other emergency vehicle have the right-of-way. I must be polite to pedestrians and cyclists. Some pedestrians seem to enjoy making me wait for them to amble across an intersection. Some cyclists think they are semi truck drivers and hog the road. However, most of them are more concerned about their own safety than they are about making me wait 3.2 seconds while they cross the road and besides that, honking seldom increases their speed. I must remember the left lane is for passing. Actually I’m pretty good at this one. The mannerly thing is to use the left lane for passing if you can. However, as crowded as some freeways are sometimes I am lucky just to merge without dinging someone’s bumper. I must drive neither too fast nor too slow. Theoretically slower speeds are safer speeds but driving too slow has its dangers. It is dangerous to suddenly go from 75 mph to 45 mph because of an inconsiderate slow driver. And who hasn’t had someone zoom up behind them, swerve around them and speed on down the road at a high rate of speed. One last item that I am NOT guilty of: sharing my music with everyone around me. Contrary to what some drivers think, the people in the vehicles around them are NOT impressed by their trunk full of bass speakers that busts eardrums and disturbs the peace. Their blaring sound system makes them look desperate for attention much like a hungry screaming baby. Polite drivers keep their music inside their car. When you get behind the wheel – manners matter! For more “Manners Matter” by Dr. Ross please visit RonRossToday.com. Issue 750 - March 14, 2016
MANNERS MATTER 11. PUNCTUALITY “We will wait a few minutes before we begin our meeting as some folks are still arriving.” I hate it when the guy in charge of the meeting says that. Rude late arrivers should not be awarded for being tardy while those on time get punished for their punctuality. Most people make the effort to arrive early at a meeting so they can find their place and prepare their minds. Why should the “on timers” be forced to wait an extra one or seven or ten minutes for the lazy late comers to saunter in? Punctual people are polite and late people are rude. You can never be wrong to show up on time for an appointment, whether it is for the dentist, a movie, or coffee at Starbucks. It shows you have proper respect for the people you meet with. To be late is to be discourteous and egotistical. Consider the impact of tardiness – Being tardy is a form of theft. The minutes you steal from the folks forced to wait – they will never get back. If their time was their money would you stick your hand in their wallet and take a few bucks? Probably not, but when you are late you steal their time. Being tardy ruins the experience. When you are late for a special event you ruin the experience for you and the people who must wait. Being tardy devalues other people. It is no fun to sit in a restaurant and wait for the other guests to arrive. It’s even worse to arrive at the airport, exit your plane, take the train to the terminal, get your luggage, and then stand around waiting for your ride to show up. Being tardy can be dangerous. Who hasn’t driven too fast and taken other chances to get to their destination on time? Many years ago my wife, two small children and I were flying from Paris to Rome. We got a late start to the airport which caused us to dash through the confusing traffic of a strange city. Once at the airport we scampered down the concourse and moved quickly to our seats. Poor planning caused me to jeopardize the safety of my entire family and a number of Parisians. Being tardy can hurt you professionally. I proved that once with a gentleman I had an appointment with in San Diego. I had driven there from Colorado but forgot to change the clock in my truck to Pacific Time. Depending on that clock caused me to be an hour late for the meeting. When I showed up I thought I was five minutes early rather than one hour late so I did not apologize. I later found out why we never did business together. Being tardy can hurt you personally. Habitual tardiness complicates your life and confuses the people you live and work with. Tardiness has damaged many previously meaningful relationships. Being tardy is embarrassing to you and inconsiderate of everyone else. The French have a proverb that says, “People count the faults of those who keep them waiting.” Shakespeare might have overstated it when he said, “Better three hours too soon than a minute too late,” but his point is well taken. Be on time because manners matter. For more “Manners Matter” by Dr. Ross please visit RonRossToday.com. Issue 751 - March 21, 2016
MANNERS MATTER 12. RUDE PETS AND RUDE PET OWNERS My wife used to share her ice cream cone with our dachshund. The neighbor girl wasn’t impressed, however, when he took a lick of her cone. What is socially acceptable to a dog or to a dog owner is not necessarily acceptable to humans. Sniffing, jumping, licking, and biting are just a few examples. We might giggle when a dog sniffs someone in an inappropriate place or licks its master in the mouth, but it’s not so funny when an unruly mutt does it to us. Here are a few guidelines for safe and friendly dog interaction. The first guideline for pet lovers to grasp is this: Some people do not want any contact with a dog. My mother was that way. Once our last dog died she never allowed another dog in her house for the next 40 years of her life. When you walk your dog keep Fido away from strangers, under control and quiet. If a stranger wants to pet your dog they will demonstrate their interest and act accordingly. If a stranger wants to pet your dog, it is polite to warn them about your dog’s likely behavior. Our dachshund looked cute and harmless but he was particular about who he let pet him. When someone wanted to pet him we always picked him up and held him, the dog, that is. If your dog is likely to jump on someone and lick them in the face, that person should be told before they kneel down and say, “What a cute little puppy!” Do not bring your dog inside someone’s home without their permission. I had an acquaintance from High School whom I barely knew ask if he could stay a night in our guest room while on route to another state. We were happy to accommodate him but surprised when he showed up with his dog. We didn’t mind having his cute little dog in our home over night but it would have been polite for him to tell us previous to his arrival. If you are going to the lake for a ride in your neighbor’s boat, check with the boat owner before you pile your three mutts in the back of your SUV. He may not want dogs or dog hairs in either his bow or stern. It is unsightly, unsanitary and rude to allow your dog to poop on someone else’s grass no matter how far from home you are. Always carry your disposable doggie bag with you and pick up the waste immediately - ALWAYS. Barking dogs are my biggest pet peeve. If your dog barks it is up to you to stop it. A barking dog is a nuisance and so are you if you do not quiet your dog. The calm and quiet of many neighborhoods are violated by the constant yapping of a rude out-of-control barking dog. Remember, it is not your dog that is rude. Dogs are like little kids: they must be taught to behave appropriately. With pet ownership comes the responsibility to keep the pet on a leash, under control and relaxed at all times. When it comes to dogs, the manners of their masters matter. For more “Manners Matter” by Dr. Ross please visit RonRossToday.com. Issue 752 - March 28, 2016
MANNERS MATTER 13. CONVERSATIONAL MANNERS Good conversations are fun to be a part of – unless someone is rude. Bad manners in conversation will stifle communication and short-circuit camaraderie. Here are a few simple guidelines for mutually satisfying conversations: Share the floor. To talk endlessly about yourself or to dominate the conversation with sentence after sentence of your own wisdom may be satisfying to you but it is boring to those who listen. An older gentleman friend of mine had a date with a lady his age. He told me, “She never stopped talking. I know everything about her but she knows absolutely nothing about me.” He lost interest because she did not share the floor with him. Don’t interrupt. When you are involved in a conversation, often you can hardly wait to make your point. You want to interrupt but it is more mannerly to wait your turn. Look at the speaker. The key to great conversation is not how well you talk but how well you listen. A great way to show interest in the other person is to maintain eye contact with them as they speak. It is a way to say, “I’m interested in you and what you are saying.” To gaze around the room, check your watch, or read a text from your mate is impolite. Make your topic of conversation appropriate. Make sure your topic of conversation is appropriate to those involved and appropriate to the occasion. Politics, religion, and sex are all appropriate topics of conversation as long as they are discussed in appropriate ways and at appropriate times. A good argument may be great for a guys’ night out but inappropriate for dinner party, Rotary Club meeting or Bible Study. Think before you speak. Avoid foot-in-mouth moments by using questions instead of declarations. It is easy to say, “Our governor is a moron. Did you see his latest budget?” But it is safer and more polite to query not declare. You could ask, “What do you think of the governor’s new budget?” This way you will listen first and then the time will come for you to give a thoughtful and intelligent response. Don’t one-up the others. I have been in many conversations where each speaker tries to impress the audience with their stories. “Last year when I was in Miami…” could be followed by another speaker who says, “That reminds me of when I was in Rome last month…” which could be followed by someone else saying, “When I was on safari in Africa…” One-uppers make annoying conversationalists. Don’t over-share. Don’t dump your personal garbage on others within the first two minutes of conversation. “How are you?” is a greeting not an invitation to therapy. Constant unburdening of bad luck makes you sound desperate. You are better off to share bits and pieces of your dramatic life – it creates a little mystery and intrigue and makes you interesting - not needy. Drop phony affectations. Use words you have used before. Talk about things you are comfortable with. Be your pleasant charming self, first, last and always. When it comes to pleasant conversation with nice people, manners matter. For more “Manners Matter” by Dr. Ross please visit RonRossToday.com. Issue 753 - April 4, 2016
MANNERS MATTER 14. MANNERS AT THE AIRPORT AND AT 25,000 FEET “Hi there!” a pretty lady said to me with a big smile, “I’m Julie and I am going to be your BFF for the next two hours!” We were flying from Denver to Chicago on a direct flight. I had the aisle seat and she was stuck in the center seat on a packed airplane. It was a pleasant flight mostly because Julie got things started off right with a happy smile and a warm greeting. When I flew from Denver to Orlando last week I said the same thing to the tall gentleman who was suffering in the center seat next to me. We too had a pleasant flight with the right amount of conversation and the right amount of private time. Flying has lost its glamour but there are ways to improve your time waiting near the gate and your time in the air by being mannerly. Here are a few airport and high-altitude manners that will make your next trip more bearable and even enjoyable. Your first experience at the airport is usually the check-in lines. Here is an undeniable truth: The line will NOT move faster if you keep bumping into the person in front of you. The same truth applies to boarding the plane. When you board the plane please keep control of your carry-on bags. I hate it when people bump me as they move down the airplane aisle to find seat 47C. When boarding, be patient and polite. It takes awhile for 137 people to do anything – especially board a fully-booked airplane, find their seat, stash their luggage, climb over another passenger, place their briefcase, purse or backpack (or all three items) in the space in front of their feet, sit down and buckle up. If you are patient and polite it will go better for you and for those around you. You are on board now and you have greeted your new BFF with a kind word and a smile. This side-by-side two-hour random relationship can be mutually pleasant if the two of you obey some simple rules of human behavior: ⦁ Don’t talk too much or too little. You may want to chat for two hours whilst your seat mate wants to snooze. ⦁ Respect each other’s space. Airplanes are crowded and uncomfortable enough without elbowing or knee and shoulder bumping. ⦁ Share the armrest appropriately. Don’t hog the armrest once you gain control of it. It is there for both passengers. ⦁ Help the cabin staff serve the people next to you. Pass along their coffee and snacks when necessary. ⦁ Allow your seatmates access to the aisle. Failure to do this could be very uncomfortable for both of you. When you arrive at your destination do NOT try to crowd your way out of the plane. On my recent trip to Orlando I was very impressed at how polite most passengers were as they deplaned, allowing each row to exit in order. When it comes to riding for two or three hours with only 2.5” of space between you and one or two other strangers, manners matter! For more “Manners Matter” by Dr. Ross please visit RonRossToday.com. Issue 754 - April 11, 2016
MANNERS MATTER 15. MANNERS OF PERSONALITY “An ugly personality destroys a pretty face.” Does that sound true to you? If so, allow me to introduce you to a few ugly personalities and make sure none describes you! The arrogant. The arrogant have a need to diminish others in a pitiful attempt to elevate themselves. It is rude to devalue other people just so you can feel superior. Self-confidence is a powerful and attractive personality trait but arrogance is repulsive and a sign of weakness. The messy. It is true that messy people can be creative and productive, but messiness becomes rude when it affects your fellow-workers, clients, or the people you live with. It is rude to leave your weeks-old Starbucks coffee cups around. Take a minute out of your busy life, throw away those pizza boxes with the dried-out crusts inside and straighten up your work space. The selfish. One of the first words a child learns is “mine!” If you are still constantly using that word, you have never grown up. A strong sense of self is good but selfishness is on the other side of self-esteem. The cynic. A cynic has no faith in his fellow humans because he thinks most people are motivated by self interest, ambition, and greed. He thinks everyone else’s opinions are of no value and deserve only ridicule or reprimand. There is, however, a place for cynicism, for serious seekers after truth who want convincing. It is one thing to be a Doubting Thomas, it is something else to neither believe nor trust anyone. The argumentative. Close to the cynic is the one who has to argue with everyone and dispute every conclusion. They wear you out with perpetual challenges and inane responses to your comments. A good discussion is fun and enlightening but an argument seldom solves anything. The over-hugger. You may not have heard of this kind of bad manners – that is because I just invented the concept. I like to hug – most of the time. I do not, however, enjoy the unexpected bear hug from a brand new acquaintance. I have also watched some men over-hug women, if you get my drift. It’s rude and maybe immoral. The pessimist. Some people only see the clouds and never the silver lining; those same people travel alone. No one likes to be with Negative Nelly or Gloomy Gus. The pessimist might think he is exercising wisdom while he is really rendering excuses for never taking a risk while he allows others to design and run the world he lives in. The lazy. Do you know any slackers? Do you know someone who is on the government dole but should be out there working? I saw this title for a blog the other day: “How to Prepare Yourself Mentally to Overcome Laziness.” What do bet the writer has not had many hits. Let me summarize what he probably said: Pull your own weight – laziness is rude. There are more manners of personality I am sure, but this list should get you thinking about your personality. How do you view your world, your job, your family, your faith, and most important, how do you view yourself? Someone said, “Beauty gets the attention. Personality gets the heart.” When it comes to your personality, manners matter! For more “Manners Matter” by Dr. Ross please visit RonRossToday.com. Issue 755 - April 18, 2016
MANNERS MATTER 16. GOOD PEOPLE HAVE GOOD MANNERS Want to know how to act in any situation? Want to know the best way to treat someone who treats you poorly? Ask yourself, “How would I want to be treated in this situation?” Therein you will find your answer. Can you hear your mother saying, “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you?” Yah, me too. But Mom didn’t invent that line. It was Jesus who taught it best in what is called the Golden Rule. This well known and easy to comprehend decree is the distillation of every book on manners and relationships ever written. It took over 2000 years but modern psychology has finally caught up with Jesus. Recently some very smart psychologists used experiments to prove that when someone is nice towards another person the other person responds with kindness. Their experiments revealed that when you are kind to someone the brain of the one receiving your act of kindness releases a neurochemical called oxytocin which causes him or her to respond with kindness. We may not have known about some neurchemical but we did know that kindness begets kindness; our mother (and Jesus) taught us that when we were toddlers. This whole series on manners has helped me be a better person in a variety of ways. Makes me wonder what would happen if you and I and a whole lot more people would apply this simple truth to our lives – the truth that nice people make other people nice and rude people make other people rude. Don’t you think the knowledge and ability to encounter others in a mannerly way would increase your attractiveness, help you expand your network of friends and make your little world a nicer place? I do. So how about you and me start today to greet everyone with a gentle smile and kind hello? Let’s treat everyone we meet with kindness and respect. After all, you and I are no better than him or her no matter how rude he is or how hostile she acts. In his classic book, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, the late Steven Covey wrote about that millisecond that exists between a stimulus and a response. Therein, he asserts, exists your power to choose. He says you have the power to react appropriately to any stimulus and it is this gift that separates you from the brutes and beasts. You are human – you can choose to be compassionate when others are cruel. You are human – you can choose to be gentle when others are violent. You are human – you can choose to be virtuous when others are depraved. The brutes and beasts cannot make those kinds of choices but you can, I can, and we must if we are to create the kind of society we long for. Country singer Tim McGraw summarized this entire series of columns on manners in his song, Humble and Kind. Here are the key lyrics, “Hold the door, say please, say thank you. Don’t steal, don’t cheat, and don’t lie. I know you got mountains to climb but always stay humble and kind.” – Tim McGraw. Join Tim and me and let us live out this truth: Nice people make other people nice and rude people make other people rude. ©2016 Ronald D. Ross. To read the previous columns on manners visit RonRossToday.com. |
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