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Issue 636 - 1/6/14
WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE?

For years, women and men have tried to analyze each other. Some say we’re all wasting our time. We simply can’t understand the opposite sex; we weren’t meant to. After all, there must be a reason we were built so differently. Then there are those who claim there is no difference, really. Obviously our physical differences cannot be denied. But other than that, some folks believe each individual is unique, and that’s all there is to it. There are no real ties between how certain people act based on their gender, unless they are slaves to the media and shamelessly force themselves into stereotypical gender roles.

I’m more of the belief personally, that there are indeed differences based on gender. But I’m more into the small stuff. For example – men like sandwiches more than women. It’s an age old typecast. But is has to be true! Did you know that over 50% of Subway customers are males? How’s that huge dose of evidence for you? Need more? Here’s a story that’ll blow your tomatoes off…

We’ve all had a plane delayed before. It is common practice at airports to see a takeoff pushed back by several hours. It happens every day. One time, I was stuck at a Las Vegas airport, in the plane, for a whopping 5-hours because the President was landing. Brutal timing. A couple of weeks ago, New York bound passengers were struck with a similar instance of bad luck. Suffice to say, they’re reason for being delayed was not nearly as good as mine had been.

Set for takeoff in Pakistan, passengers of flight 711 from Lahore to New York had an unexpected delay. They were not given a reason, but assumed that it would be a short hiccup on their long trip home.

Turns out, 2 ½ hours later, that was not the case. The worst part: The flight was delayed because Flight Captain Noushad demanded a sandwich be delivered to him from a 5-star hotel. When told that the sandwich could take over two hours to arrive, the Captain reportedly stated he, “needed sandwiches at all costs”.

What an amazing line! I mean needing “the cure”, “victory”, or “survival” are all acceptable quotes when followed by the phrase “at all costs”. Never have I heard the word sandwich inserted in that statement. But alas, Captain Noushad has just recently entered my life (he could have many more classic lines to come)

Then, out of nowhere, a Pakistani newspaper decided to expose the story to the world. Astonishingly, that resulted in Pakistan International Airlines (PIA) to come under public fire. I mean, what’s the problem? Clearly the guy needed a 5-star hotel quality sandwich.

Oh, that’s right. The needs of Captain Noushad shouldn’t come before hundreds of passengers who paid a ton of money to leave on time that morning. My bad.

When questioned about the incident, PIA Spokesman Mashhood Tajwar said in a statement, “management had taken a serious notice of the delay of an international flight”. They are fully investigating it to this day.

So, still don’t believe in the inherent difference between men and women? Clearly only a man was capable of delaying this flight for over two hours for a sandwich. A woman pilot would have never committed such a crime! No, obviously had this been a woman, the delay would have been over a Starbucks Latte, or Sushi. That my dear readers, is the difference.

Issue 637 - 1/13/14
SUPER POWERS IN A BOTTLE

It’s pretty common knowledge at this point that we only use ten percent of our brain. This has always meant that we are capable of so much more. For every amazing feat our species has accomplished; an even more incredible act is possible. Take our physical bodies for example. It seems like every week professional athletes around the globe are shattering past world records. This is because our bodies have never reached their full potential. We, as a living animal, are constantly evolving; we’re bigger and stronger than ever before. What if our brains evolved over time like that? I mean, sure we continue to advance in technology by the day. That’s not due to our brain capabilities increasing though. Our progress in electronics and medicine has more to do with discoveries over time than actual brain power.

But what if we could start to use just eleven percent of our brain, or even twelve? We would have the potential to cure cancer, sleep soundly, and live to 200-years-old in no time. Our species would advance so quickly, it would start to scare even the youth. Now what if I told you, because of recent medical discoveries, this was totally feasible in the next couple of years? Crazy, right?

Medical researchers at Harvard have made an astounding discovery in the last couple of weeks. It turns out that giving a patient a medicine named Valproic Acid could possibly allow adults to pick up new skills at the same rate that children do! This amazing breakthrough could quite literally change the world overnight.

The speculation started when Takao Hensch, a professor of molecular and cellular Biology at Harvard University followed through with an experiment. Hensch separated an assembly of volunteers into two groups. To one group, he gave daily doses of Valproic Acid for two weeks. He other group received placebos. Throughout the two weeks, the professor had both groups take the same online test. It was an ear training exercise to help train participants to better identify different tones and notes. Basically, the program was teaching users to have perfect pitch.

This was indeed a difficult learning task – it’s no easy task learning to have perfect pitch. In fact, I’d estimate 90% of professional musicians in the world aren’t blessed with such a skill. I say blessed because, up until this point, you are either born with perfect pitch or you are not. It’s not something people learn.

Despite that, the group that was given the regular doses of Valproic Acid did very well on the tests. So well, that a few of the members actually acquired perfect pitch by the end of the two weeks. Prior to this experiment – there are no known reports of anyone ever learning perfect pitch.

Perhaps it’s a miracle. Or maybe, as some skeptics would point out, these people already had perfect pitch; they just never realized it until now.

Regardless, it opens up amazing possibilities. If further research proves that the Valproic Acid was responsible for the advanced learning of large group of human beings our possibilities become literally endless. Remember when your mother said you could be anything you wanted to be as long as you put your mind to it? Parents in a few short years could say that and actually mean it.

Of course, this little dose of invincibility wouldn’t come without obstacles. The drug is currently used to treat patients who suffer from seizures or bipolar disorder. It can cause liver damage, extreme drossiness, hair loss, and tremor. That being said, tens of thousands of Americans take Valproic Acid now, without any serious side effects. Can we all agree this potential super power juice is worth looking into.

Issue 638 - 1/20/14
YOUR HOUSE IS SMARTER THAN YOU

About a month ago, before Christmas, I was conned into some “winter cleaning” by my Mother. You see, instead of cleaning out the house in spring time, my family usually does its home makeover during the holidays. It makes sense. We have relatives visiting and we want to give them the best our home can offer during their stay. Anyway, I was given fridge duty. This was especially daunting because it was the second refrigerator. The main refrigerator resides in the kitchen. Cleaning it out would have been a small task. But the second fridge was the real deal. It lived in the land of the laundry room. It was previously used by a former house-mate who had since moved. Since his departure, no one had really paid any attention to this cooling device, or what creatures and crafts called it home. This fridge had problems.

So it began. In my journey, I encountered some terribly expired foods, some hidden earthworms (for fishing), and a lot of sticky business. This refrigerator was packed to the brim, too.

How nice would it have been if there had been some kind of reminder, telling us months ago, when a certain cheese expired? Or warning us about the earthworms? Had such technology existed, we would have slowly cleaned out the fridge over time and avoided the hassle that ensued. I’m sure you can tell where this is going…

The Nick Snips column is no stranger to new technology. It seems once a month or so I find some crazy invention that’s trying to revolutionize its industry. This weeks topic is trying to invent its own industry; and it’s headed by the innovative, ever-growing company that is – Google.

Imagine a home that took care of itself. That’s what the big wigs at Google are trying to bring to you (well, not you, but really, really rich people). I used the refrigerator as an example because that’s one of the many products it plans to release; a Smart Fridge that tells you what food you have in there, when it expires, and what temperature it is. But it doesn’t end there.

Google is basing this broad and bold idea off of the company Nest Labs, which it recently purchased for $3.2 billion in cash. Nest Labs has had little success with its own brand of smart home devices, a thermostat and a personable smoke detector. In fact, those are its only two devices. So why is Google paying billions for a mediocre company with two products? Because, Google is king, my fellow Americans.

With the technology experts and scientists at Google, not to mention its limitless budget, the company will surely succeed with the soon-to-be-branded Smart Home.

They plan to keep the two products on hand: A thermostat that automatically adjusts for your habits, keeping house temperatures where you want them, when you want them. And a smarter than ever smoke detector that promises it won’t overreact to when you burn toast.

After that, Google is planning entire lighting systems for your home. Over a couple of weeks, it will adjust to your lighting habits. How bright you want your overheads, when they come on at night, and when they go off. It will do it for you, automatically.

It gets bigger from there. You’ll be able to control everything from your phone. What doors are locked, what temperature it is, turning on and off your stove, taping your favorite TV shows, closing blinds, shoveling the driveway, and anything else you can think off. It will all happen from anywhere in the world. It will all happen with just the push of a button on your phone, or automatically, without your attention at all!

Obviously – this brings up some privacy concerns. But most new technology does. All we can do is move forward with the times and decide what’s important to keep private and what’s not. If the Smart Home is not for you, well, I guess you’ll just have to clean out dirty refrigerators the old fashion way.

Issue 639 - 1/27/14
MARCH JUST GOT MADDER

I imagine myself on at every major music festival and sporting event annually. My wife imagines a big house with a pool, garden, and library. My dad probably imagines himself on a Harley, eating steak whenever he wants.

We’ve all had the thought before; what if we were to become a billionaire – with a B? A billion dollars is hard to comprehend, actually. It means doing literally whatever you want when you want. It means never having to worry about money again. Heck, it means that your grandchildren will likely never have to worry about money again. It’s beyond the American Dream; it’s a flat out fantasy. Only few will ever live such a fairytale.

Maybe, you could be one of those few.

Multi-billionaire Warren Buffet has recently made and offer no one can refuse. Apparently, Buffet is a basketball fan. Through his company, Berkshire Hathaway, he is offering the unimaginable grand prize of one billion dollars! The task? Pick a perfect bracket in this year’s NCAA March Madness Tournament.

The 68-team bracket is almost impossible to nail perfectly. There are actually over 9 quintillion combinations that could happen. Is that even a number!? Which is why the wealthy company is willing to bet a small billion that you can’t guess right. Of course if you’re a sports fan, and you actually know something about the game of college basketball, experts estimate your odds are closer to 1 in 128-billion. So there’s that comforting news to all you sports fanatics.

Filling out brackets has become something of a tradition for American sports fans. Throughout the years though, the bracket has thrown many curveballs towards gamblers and sports enthusiasts. Who can forget last year’s incredible run by unknown underdogs Florida Gulf Coast? The young school made a run into the Sweet Sixteen as a #15 seed in the tournament; no #15 seed had ever advanced that far before. That’s what makes a perfect bracket near impossible, anything can happen. You never know what team will make a run.

But if I’m wrong and you happen to know which underdog will blow up this year’s brackets, by all means, make it happen. If you do, you will have a lottery-type option of choosing to take a lump sum payment of $500 Million, or you can receive payments of $25 Million for the next 40 years of your life. Suffice to say, I think you won’t be running out of cash anytime soon with either option.

Berkshire Hathaway’s impressive offer is by far the largest prize up for grabs in this year’s tournament. But Fox Sports is also offering $1 Million, while Yahoo has upped theirs to $5 Million for a perfect bracket. Put quite simply – your odds are bad. Really, really bad. But why not try. Unlike the lottery, it cost nothing to enter a bracket. I suggest you do your research on this year’s tournament. It could end up being the most important work decision of your entire life. Likely, it’ll be another small waste of time. Either way, I wish you luck. You’re going to need it.

Issue 640 - 2/3/14
NATURAL CATASTER

Pop culture is a funny thing. It seems like every year there is some fad I can look back on and be completely baffled. Why do the stupidest things appeal to a massive audience sometimes? Last year’s greatest example of a fad in entertainment was the SyFy Channel’s surprising blockbuster hit Sharknado.

For those who don’t know, the film is pretty much what it sounds like – a tornado somehow sweeps up hundreds of sharks from the ocean and goes on a rampage through Los Angeles. It was the ultimate super storm for the ultimate bad movie. But, as luck has it for the SyFy network, it became so bad it was good.

After all, how can you resist dialogue like this:
Baz: “Storm’s dying down.”
Nova: “How can you tell?”
Baz: “Not as many sharks flying around.”

Or this:
April: “What’s wrong?”
Fin: “Your son wants to go into a helicopter and drop a bomb into the tornado.”
April: “No, it’s too dangerous.”
Nova: “I’ll watch his back. I’ll be the bombardier.”

Or this written gem:
Nova: “They took my grandfather. That’s why I really hate sharks.”
Matt: “Now I really hate sharks, too.”

Okay, enough of that. What was arguably the worst movie of the year (or all time) was suddenly televisions biggest hit! But it got me to wonder, what if such a storm really happened? I mean, sure it’s farfetched, but what if nature created a super storm like the Sharknado?

Apparently, such a storm has actually occurred rather recently! Perhaps half as terrifying, a “Catnado” took place across parts of the United Kingdom early last week. As told by witnesses, a small tornado swept up a horse stable and lifted several cats off the ground. The cats began to twirl around in the miniature tornado, sustaining flight for the remainder of the flying funnel’s destructive reign.

It was the ultimate real life example of the beast-storm hybrid disaster. Can you imagine this cat swirling wind storm headed your way. Listen, I would obviously never want to leave this precious Earth by the way of a tornado; but if I had to get sucked up into such a storm, I certainly wouldn’t want to go out sneezing all the while.

The “Catnado” settled rather quickly, and other than the shock factor of the whole thing, didn’t do that much damage. Sure a horse stable was destroyed, but no people were killed by the storm. Better yet, all of the cats survived. Isn’t that amazing!? I’m no fan of cats (mostly due to allergies and their tendency to be more evil than dogs in most animated and live action films about talking animals) but I have to give the felines some credit here. I’d also like a dose of credit for avoiding a “you know what they say about cats always landing on their feet” corny joke here. Oh wait, I guess I just did make that joke.

What’s the deadliest disaster/animal combo you can think of? Twitter blew up after the Sharknado phenomenon coming up with such super-storms as, Lizard Blizzard, Squidquake, Shi Tzunami, and Moosoon. Still, nothing scares an asthmatic dog lover quite like the real-life Catnado. May you no longer live in fear dear residents of the United Kingdom; the worst is over; the storm has passed.

Issue 641 - 2/10/14
REVOLUTION NUMBER 14

What is it with the color pink? It’s popping up everywhere; the grocery store, restaurants, the mall, the internet. Now, I’m not one of those guys who feel the need to act macho and hate on the color pink, but most things are better done in moderation. Now I know what you’re thinking already – he’s acting like he doesn’t know it’s Valentine’s Day (snicker, laugh, raise eyebrow). No, that’s not the point of this introductory paragraph, but thanks for finding me so predictable.

In truth, I’m very aware that the color pink is flooding our society because this week is Valentine’s Day. However, in no way do I support this outrageous trend. I think we can all agree that pink is a “girl color”. Now, I’m not saying if you’re a man you can’t wear it or anything like that. I’m just stating a fact. Typically, that color appeals to females. Statistics will back my claims as more pink merchandise is sold in stores that target women; stores like Victoria’s Secret, Deb, and Claire’s. This is not sexism; it’s just basic human observation. It is factual.

Now, on to my point. Why is it then, that Valentine’s Day is so targeted towards women? Why is it expected of men to buy elaborate gifts and plan fantasy-dates on February 14th every year? Isn’t the day supposed to be a mutual celebration of love? Sorry for taming a nice warm fire on a frigid day ladies, but we need to investigate this tradition fully. Take, for example, Japan.

In the ‘Land of the Rising Sun’ it’s actually frowned upon for men to give gifts to their significant others on Valentine’s Day. In fact, it’s a day when men are to anticipate grand gifts from their favorite gal. The most common gift (according to sales statistics) is chocolate. Sounds pretty good to me; I’m sure most of the gentlemen around here would agree. Those Japanese women sure do know how to make a guy smile. Maybe they, as a nation, have it all figured out. You’ve heard the phrase “happy wife, happy life!” right? Maybe the key is the other way around. Let’s give this a try, “Happy man is the best plan!”. Err – I’ll work on that. But you get the idea.

Look, I know chocolate is a common gift in America too and I know plenty of women buy gifts for their boyfriends or husbands. But there’s no denying, with the big teddy bear’s and pink heart-shaped balloons, that February 14th is a day that big companies try to pressure men into buying sophisticated gifts for the exceptional female in their life. I’m not even necessarily complaining about this. I’m just stating that there is another way.

Maybe we should all take a note from our technologically advanced friends from across sea’s and start making men the center of this cupid-inspired holiday. Yes, let’s start a revolution! Don’t let the CEO’s and Big Whigs on Wall Street tell you what to buy and when. We are the people! We make our own decisions!

One minor side note: In Japan, men are expected to reciprocate the gifts on a day titled “White Day” (One month later, March 14th). It is also a custom to spend an estimated three-times as much on White Day as the woman spent on Valentine’s Day. In light of this tiny detail – maybe we should just suck it up for another year or two and give more than we get, gentlemen. After all, is their a greater joy then giving to the one you love the most? I’m not sure St. Valentine himself could have said it better. Happy Valentine’s Day or Single’s Awareness Day (S.A.D.) to you all!

Issue 642 - 2/17/14
COLORADO SPRINGS’ NEW LAWS
Official Report By Nick Yanez

Recently the town council of Colorado Springs took a vote that shook the very core of our local society. After months and months of the marijuana debate, and seemingly no realistic chance for legal sale in the southern Colorado city, the council decided to make all narcotic legalized for commercial sale. The decision comes as a huge surprise for voters.
“I coundn’t believe it” says Jennifer Jin-Roberts. The local librarian says she’ll definitely be attending future meetings at city hall, “We plan to protest and make a stand. We’re organizing anti-narcotics teams now and getting a really good response” the mother-of-four continued, “I’ll definitely be paying attention to who we let make these decisions from now on”

Of course the article above was pure satire; that was fun. Can you imagine if something this ridiculous actually happened? I can’t. In fact, I don’t think I would have believed it for a minute. And while it may have been a good dose of fun, this fake article was proving a bigger point.

Stop reading the headlines, people.

Day after day it seems some new satirical article is making its way into my social life. Whether someone brings it up on my lunch break at work, or I see it posted on my facebook home feed, fake articles are making waves around America. The worst part is that when someone brings these articles to my attention, it’s usually because they believe them to be true.

Over the last two weeks, these are actual headlines that people in my life have claimed as true: Blake Griffin Slaps Justin Bieber at a Hollywood Starbucks, Russia Applauds America’s Efforts to Exclude Gay Athletes From Professional Sports, Super Bowl XLVIII Believed to have been Rigged and Currently Under Investigation by the NFL, Obama Admits US Hasn’t Been the Same Since Buddy Holly Died…

Are you reading these things folks? Every single one of these headlines is preposterous! Yet I’ve seen them shared and talked about as if they are actual stories being reported by respected national journalists. This has to stop.

Please don’t get me wrong. I’m not trying to insult or condemn anyone who happened to believe these stories. It’s not their fault, you see. It’s become commonplace in our fast and furious society to see a story, share it online, and move on to the next bit of news. People don’t have time to investigate every little thing they hear; and that’s fine. You can see/hear/read a news story and believe it. I have no problem with that. It’s your choice. However, if you plan on sharing that story with other people, perhaps you should at least see if it’s factual.

In every single one of the headline examples above, the story stated that the article was made as satire at the top of the piece. It’s as simple as reading the italicized fine print at the top of the page.

We need to start a movement. Please start investigating the news and rumors you spread to your peers. Get the facts straight and then form an opinion. We can’t just be reading the headlines and then immediately reacting with pure emotion. If we did that, I’m quite sure there would be some rioting at the Colorado Springs city hall right about now.

So here’s a challenge to you, my dear reader - This week, find the craziest headline you can find online (from a legitimate news source) and read the whole article. Maybe even read more articles on the same subject; get both sides to the story. Then, tell your friends and family about it with a well informed opinion.

Issue 643 - 2/24/14
THE LEGEND OF HORSE WHIP WEDNESDAY

I’m telling you upfront – this is a pro-America article you are about to read. No, it’s not one of those pieces that sites history and raves about our hero’s, the flag, and melting pot mentality. Those are all great, but I’m here to tell you what you’re missing out on right now.

After watching the Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia the past couple of weeks, there were many takeaways. The first was the incredible talent displayed worldwide and specifically by the United States. We’re excited with all we accomplished there. We watched Shawn White and Bode Miller break down, for very different reasons. We shattered records and took home a blanket of medals. Welcome back, dear athletes, you’ve done us proud.

Those were the headlines; as they should have been. But what was over reported, but under acknowledged was the vast difference in U.S. and Russian culture. There was an incident last Wednesday that defines this difference in living more than anything else. It was a small thing, so no one took too much notice.

A Russian punk band (who I won’t name for two mysterious reasons) took to the streets and played an impromptu protest concert. They were, how shall we say, not a fan of Russian leader Vladmir Putin.

Now, this sort of thing has happened all throughout our own countries history. The 60’s music explosion centered around peaceful protest as famous artists created musical riots against the war in Vietnam – they called them albums. And what did our often-criticized government do about this anti-war, anti-Capitol Hill, anti-politician musical movement? Nothing. They simply rode out the storm, got out of the war (after quite some time) and let history write itself.

The police force in Russia acted quite differently. The government ordered that this Russian display of light treason be stopped, by any means necessary. Early last week, the police attacked the band with horse whips, leaving each band member somewhat injured.

This band is no small time act. In fact, it’s as if a police force in America started beating Beyonce with metal sticks in the streets. Safe to say, that would not go over well with the general public.

This punk band (still unnamed) had actually been filming a video at the Olympics, trying to show everything wrong in Russian society and government today. They were detained several times throughout the week, before the ultimate showdown on ‘Horse Whip Wednesday’.

It makes you appreciate free speech. Heck, I could tell you right now in this article everything I find wrong with this country. I could rant and rave about dirty politicians and bad investments. I could tell you about inequality, disadvantages, and a suffering middle class. Nothing would happen to me. People would read the article and I would never hear about it from any government agent or police member.

So, today, I’m telling you the opposite of what you normally hear. Be proud of your country and your government. No matter where you stand and what you believe, we’ve still got the best chance in the world for true freedom and happiness. I’m not denying there are problems; just pointing out how small they often are. We will be okay. We always will be, because we live under the greatest government in the entire world; a government that doesn’t mind when we claim they are the worst.

Issue 644 - 3/3/14
CRAZY OR CANDID?

Most people hear a conspiracy theory for the first time and completely dismiss it. Whether it sounds too ridiculous to be true, the facts don’t line up, or the person telling you is not-all-there, usually these leaps of idealism stretch far past our realm of logic. But then, you could find yourself looking further into it. With enough internet support and Youtube videos out there, I’ve come to find that any conspiracy theory can start to feel true if you spend enough time researching it. They can throw inconsistencies and very wise speculation at you. They can skew facts left and right; before you know it, you’re one of them. They got you!

Who are they exactly? Well, they can be anyone who challenged the thinking of society on big events throughout history. You’ve at least heard some rumblings about this stuff before. There’s countless conspiracy theories about all different things throughout US history – Area 51, The Kennedy Assassination, 9/11, Osama Bin Laden; the list goes on and on.

Recently a secret military fortress was uncovered underneath notorious California prison Alcatraz. To the knowledge of almost everyone, the military base built underneath the island has been destroyed long ago. But alas, a team of Texas A&M researchers discovered the underground military structure still standing by using ground penetrating radar. When asked by media affiliates about the find, and what the base used to be, Texas A&M professor Mark Everett explained that, “from 1850 to 1907 was the era of Fort Acatraz”.

Indeed, professor. It turns out that the military base had primarily been used during the Civil War as a line of defense. Its location wasn’t exactly in the midst of battle (the base never saw a shot fired, in fact). Due to the lack of action and Island-setting, it stood as a safe haven for confederate sympathizers who denounced the federal government. The fort was believed to be destroyed when the main prison building was assembled in 1915.

Turns out that’s not the case. With radar revealing tunnels that date back to before 1915, we now know the structure was never fully destroyed. This leads some people to believe that the military has been using the base all along! What’s hilarious is that this base was proven to exist just a few months after people were reportedly trying to sneak out of tour groups while at the prison to find a secret room underneath the island as portrayed in the 2012-2013 Fox drama Alcatraz. Maybe J.J. Abrams knew something we didn’t and that’s the real reason the show was cancelled? Doubtful, but the discovery has brought up a lot of questions.

In fact, the internet has gone wild in speculation, accusing the secret base of being used for torture, science experiments, and military technology research. If any of those things are true, whoever is living down there better bail quickly, before the A&M crew breaks in for further evaluation.

It just goes to show, once again, that we can make something out of nothing. Actually, I’m impressed what the internet has enabled people to do based on what was a seemingly small news story. In a month or so, there will probably be an entire website dedicated to theories about this underground prison. In my estimation, this story just makes an already interesting place even more fascinating.

My recommendation is that you ignore the crazies. Take the story for what it is and just put some trust in the medi- ah, who am I kidding? Read everything and anything that tells you the media is lying. Basically, a career in journalism is just learning how to lie without getting in too much trouble.

So I say read the conspiracy theories and wild accusations. Take it all in. I mean, someone has to hold the media accountable after one of these stories eventually turns out to be totally false. Someone has to lead the revolution. You can never be sure if they’re being honest with you. Take for example this story – can you honestly say right now that I didn’t just make the whole thing up?

Issue 645 - 3/10/14
PANIC STATION

“In many of the more relaxed civilizations on the Outer Eastern Rim of the Galaxy, the Hitch-Hiker’s Guide has already supplanted the great Encyclopedia Galactica as the standard repository of all knowledge and wisdom, for though it has many omissions and contains much that is apocryphal, or at least wildly inaccurate, it scores over the older, more pedestrian work in two important respects. First, it is slightly cheaper; and secondly it has the words DON’T PANIC inscribed in large friendly letters on its cover.”
-Douglas Adams (Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy)

We could all use a cheap book like the fictional Hitchhikers Guide from the book/movie of the same title. We need it to calm us down. If you watched or read any mainstream news last week, you may have seen a story about a killer asteroid missing Earth by about three football fields. It was last Wednesday, March 5th, around 2pm our time.

The fact that I know the exact time and date are not due to a diligent amount of this reporter’s research. No, seldom to I delve into an article with all of my facts straight. The reason I’m so precise on the details of the event is because I was unwillingly subject to its information over and over and over again. I heard it on the radio first. Then I saw it on facebook and twitter. Then it hit cable news. Then, the unthinkable happened! The asteroid flew on by and nothing about our lives changed; just as the experts predicted.

Yes, everything went according to plan. So why all the media hype? Because, America, we as a culture are obsessed with the end of the world. I call it Apocalyptic Fever (copy write @ Nick Snips, 2014), and the temperature on our fictitious forehead keeps rising. Why do you think these Zombie movies and television shows keep blowing up? It’s to feed our addiction to doom and gloom. We the people keep feeding the machine.

Before the asteroid, it was a million other things. Remember Mad Cow disease? What about the Bird or Swine flu? Yes, I understand that these were serious illnesses that actually killed people, but they weren’t nearly as infectious as the media had us believe. I remember watching a television movie about how the Bird Flu could wipe out 75% of the world’s population in 3-years. I’m pretty sure that aired in 2008…

Don’t get me wrong; I’m not here to blame the media. The more people poor their money into the terror machine, the more post-apocalyptic nonsense we’ll be fed.
We need to collectively take a deep breath and forget about what we cannot control. Yes, someday a giant asteroid may hit the Earth and we’ll all be gone. Just. Like. That. But guess what, you can’t do anything about it! That’s a beautiful place to be in. You have no control over the universe; so stop pretending you might. Live life to the fullest. I know that’s cliché, but it’s what you need to do. Don’t constantly waste your time by reading up on the million different ways the planet could end tomorrow. Ponder on how you can enjoy God’s playground we call Earth today.

Issue 646 - 3/17/14
REBEL WITH A CAUSE?

It hasn’t yet been a year. No, in fact, it was last May that the epic legend of Edward Snowden began. On the 20th of that month, the 30-year old rebel began his journey to exposing the NSA by arriving in Hong Kong with four laptops that gave him the access to some of the Government’s most classified documents. Snowden is something of a rarity in these times. Though his story has been told to death on national news networks, the American people cannot decide if he is a patriot or a traitor. And to be fair to our undecided society – it’s complicated.

If you don’t know Edward Snowden or what why he is famous, please take the time to Google it thoroughly.

The reason I bring up this slightly outdated person of interest is not because of what Snowden has done, but what he is now doing. Last week, critically acclaimed culture and arts festival South By Southwest (SXSW) Festival kicked off in Austin, TX with a bang. The festival is most known for showcasing new movies and music, as well as featuring special guest speakers who are considered to have relevant ideas about pursuing success in today’s society. SXSW decided to step up their game this year by reaching out to the one and only Edward Snowden. In fact, they kicked off the Day 4 of the 10 day festival with Snowden being the center of an open conference via satellite.

The American fugitive fielded questions from his legal counsel, audience members, and spectators over Twitter. The event was highly controversial and even prompted some members of congress to write derogatory letters to the festival organizers. That, of course, didn’t stop them from holding what has been their most publicized event in years.

I don’t think I can ever remember a fugitive of the state holding an internet web chat to an audience of thousands and thunderous applause. But as we know, Snowden is one of a kind.

The NSA leaker aimed his message towards the tech-savvy , with notable quotes like, “South by Southwest and the tech community, the people in the room in Austin, they’re the folks who can fix this,” adding, “There’s a political response that needs to occur, but there’s also a tech response that needs to occur.”

Snowden criticized the federal government throughout the conference call, but focused more on inspiring folks who control the internet through code and encryption to try to make it impossible for the government to record our emails, phone calls, and internet history. In another quote he presses the American people to stand up, “We need public oversight ... some way for trusted public figures to advocate for us. We need a watchdog that watches Congress, because if we’re not informed, we can’t consent to these policies.”

Somehow, far away in his Russian hideout, Snowden found a way to talk to the American people for the first time since he fled our country last June, with no consequences. There’s no denying Edward Snowden’s rare intelligence. But is he a hero or a villain? Sometimes the best hero’s appear to be the antagonist at first, and vice versa. The truth is only time will tell if Snowden is a champion of the people, or a rebel force trying to destroy those who keep us safe. One thing is for certain – he’s an entertainer.

Alongside the most exciting up-and-coming bands and filmmakers in America, Snowden stole the show.

Issue 647 - 3/24/14
SLEEPYHEAD

If you ache. If you are hungry. If you feel your head spinning. If you the light is getting to your brain. If a unicorn jumps out from behind the bathroom door and asks for your business card. If you can’t seem to accomplish everyday tasks with the same ease – there’s probably a simple solution. It’s time to go to bed.

Rest (and sleep in particular) is an amazing tool to revitalize your body. A recent study shows just how imperative a good sleep schedule is. A team of researchers at the University of Pennsylvania conducted an experiment proving that inconsistent sleep schedules can lead to serious neurological damage. In each short or out-of-cycle sleep, a person can experience a large loss of neurons. What it comes down to is this - The amount of neurons that could be lost over a lifetime is largely a potential cause of Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s disease (what a great new excuse to sleep in more!)

I’m going to allow you to take me at my word on that statement. If you cannot find it in your heart to do so, please do some internet research on the subject. Because I could spend the next 250 words telling you details of the research and specific scientific evidence to support these claims, but instead of that, I’d like to address a couple of core issues I have that directly relate to sleep.

The first issue I have is with society viewing “sleeping in” as a negative and lazy act. It’s a narrative that is unfair to many teenagers and college-aged kids around the globe (and some older folks too, no doubt) - If they’re sleeping until noon, they’re lazy and irresponsible! The amount of sleep one gets, paired with a consistent schedule, are the two most important factors in getting the body a healthy amount of rest. In that case, if a person is regularly going to bed around 2am, it is unfair to expect them to wake up before 10-11am. Plus, it would be unhealthy for them to do so. It’s perfectly socially acceptable to turn in around 9pm every night and be up by 8am. That’s 11 hours of sleep! If a person sleeps from 2am to 1pm every day, their peers would almost certainly talk negatively about their sleeping habits. My point is that we shouldn’t focus on when people are sleeping, only how much. That’s what is important for the body; not what time in the day we’re waking up.

The second major issue I’m taking with how our society treats sleep relates directly to the federal government. Why exactly does Elementary School start later in the day than High School? Everyone and their Mom knows that younger kids have a tendency to rise early and teenagers like to doze late into the morning (at least). Why is it that this has been backwards for so long? Adjust the school times and we’ll likely see an improvement in learning ability. A well-rested mind is a thirsty mind! I feel better now that I said all of that.

If you happen to still be reading this article, you may ask yourself why I have jumped topics three or four times in one short column. Part of the reason is that I changed my thought process about what I wanted to portray in this piece halfway through writing it. The other factor is that I am jotting this all down at 1am. Now I plan to sleep late into the morning and perhaps into the early part of the afternoon. The good news is, after my rant above, I have no qualms with sleeping in. I’m only doing my part in preventing dead neurons in my brain.

Issue 648 - 3/31/14
CATCH ME IF YOU CAN

I’m going to be honest with you all. I break the law on a very regular basis. Probably every day. It’s called speeding and it is perhaps the most common crime in society today. Everyone speeds, for the most part. I’m so accustomed to speeding, I don’t even realize what’s happening when I do it. The second I see a speed limit sign I immediately assume that I can go 5mph over that limit, without any consequences. For the most part, that’s true. I’ve never been pulled over for going ‘5-over’, even if it’s right past a police officer. I had a friend once get a ticket for going 3mph too fast in High School. We were all shocked, and rightfully so, as nothing like that has happened to anyone I’ve know ever since.

The highway is the scene of most of my crimes. Usually, in a neighborhood, I’ll try my best to abide by the rules. But if I’m cruising down I-25 and I see a sign that says 75mph – I’m going 80, no questions asked. Why wouldn’t I? It’s normal from my point of view.

Which is why I’m a fan of the new laws passed in Idaho and Wyoming! For those who haven’t heard, the two Midwestern states have recently joined the speed club (which originally included just Texas and Utah) in switching their Highway speed limits to 80mph. In Idaho, there was a slight controversy in the change.

After passing in the senate with ease, but squeaking through congress, the Governor signed the new law allowing the Idaho Transportation Department the authority to change highway speed limits to 80mph where it sees fit. A huge help in the matter was looking to neighbor Utah. Since the change in the Beehive State, accident rates have not increased. It’s also worth noting that the average speed of drivers hasn’t budged, meaning (like me) drivers were already going 80mph.

Of course skeptics will now say that motorists will lean towards going 85mph hour after the change, keeping in line with the unspoken ‘5-over’ rule. Perhaps they’re right, but studies show that accidents aren’t caused by higher speed, but rather, a difference in speed. As long as Idaho and Wyoming take the right approach by only allowing 3 or 4-lane highways to be 80mph, it shouldn’t cause any issues.

Now I’m sure there are plenty of readers who totally disagree with my view point. Many elderly people I’ve spoken with seem to think that the world is in too much of a hurry. Why can’t we slow down to 65mph? What’s the rush?

The fact is, life moves fast in the 21st century. Even if you don’t like it, that’s the truth. Some people need to go 80mph, all the time, just to get where they need to be. Plus, if there is an extra lane or two, there’s no reason folks who want to take the steady pace of 65mph can’t. Which is why I’m an advocate of Colorado being the next state to introduce the 80mph speed limit on multi-lane highways. We’re already the state that boldly legalized the sale of recreational marijuana. Why not let us speed around like idiots for a while too? Maybe then I can settle into a speed limit, without the temptation to push it to ‘5-over’.

Until then, I’ll be a common criminal – the worst kind of criminal - one who never gets caught.

Issue 649 - 4/7/14
THE MAGICAL MYSTERY FRUIT

There is a kingdom far and away
Beyond the hills, beyond the bay
The roads paved gold the waters pure
There is no pain there is no fear

And in this land the trees produce
A magical fruit with fantastical juice
And when you bite the charmed, pink bit
You’ll be healthy, strong and oh, so fit!

There’s a reason I don’t write poetry for a living. Sure, the rhymes are catchy and the subject is clear, but there’s something kind of childish about the whole thing. Despite that fact, I had to find a way to accurately portray my feelings about the most magical fruit on planet Earth!

I know what you’re thinking (or at least I have an idea). The favorite fruit of each reader jumped to the forefront of their mind. Some will say strawberries, others will think of Mangos. Some people will go with simple and common goods like Apples, Oranges, or Bananas. But none of those would be the magical, delicious, and often ties controversial fruit I’m about to rant about. The great fruit is Grapefruit; and it’s the savior of Mankind’s everyday meal.

The Grapefruit diet has apparently been a “thing” for over a decade. Science-folk and nutritionists have documented its impeccable health benefits. It’s good for your heart. It helps speed up your metabolism. It’s a hunger suppressant. I could go on, but it’s easier to note that Grapefruit pretty much has zero negative qualities. The only thing up for debate really is the taste. I say, make like a child and put some sugar on it (the nutritionists actually say that’s okay too, for the most part)!

So how did I discover this diet craze well after it had been distinguished? I ate some Grapefruit for lunch. To my surprise I wasn’t hungry for the rest of the day. Most of you don’t know me personally, but the fact is that it’s rare when I skip dinner. The next day I indulged again in a lunchtime bowl of fruit and reached similar results. Then, like any self-respectable mid-20’s male, I decided to Google it. What I found was overwhelming evidence that Grapefruit is the most magical fruit on Earth (as clearly stated in the poem).

So what if you don’t like the taste of Grapefruit? What if the Grapefruit diet isn’t for you? Well then, obviously you’ll lead an unhappy ad unhealthy life. As is standard when someone picks up a new diet, I must religiously defend my diet no matter the consequences. You must abide by the Grapefruit diet because nothing else could possibly be right!

Is there a dominant Grapefruit selling company that can hire me as their spokesperson? I could be like Subway’s Jared; only, I’ll be called Nick.

If nothing else, give Grapefruit a try. In a two-year study, one organization found that eating a half of a Grapefruit a day without changing any dietary or exercise habits would lose the average person 5lbs every 12 weeks. That’s 20lbs a year! I think I’ve made my case.

Issue 650 - 4/14/14
MIRROR, MIRROR

I’m going to be upfront and say that I’ve never driven what one would call a “new car”. Most of the vehicles I’ve owned were purchased from the previous owner and born sometime in the 1990’s. I’m not complaining. I’ve rather enjoyed my vehicle history. Sure, they’ve been rough around the edges, but most of my automobiles have had good durability (I’m going to go ahead and plug Subaru here, if that’s okay).

The one thing I have missed out on lately has been the vast improvement in auto-technology. I remember several years ago, when I was still in High School, one of my friend’s Fathers purchased a new Lexus. It was amazing. Of course the vehicle isn’t all that new and spectacular now; it’s probably six, seven years old. One of the most memorable aspects of the then-new vehicle was that it had one of those cameras inside that allowed the driver to see behind them. It was as if it made mirrors obsolete.

And that’s what brings us to today’s topic. In a somewhat recent event, the federal government is requiring all auto makers to install backup camera systems on every new vehicle starting in 2018. In a response, auto makers are petitioning NHTSA in hopes to replace traditional rearview and side mirrors with camera systems. As most of you know, currently three mirrors are mandatory with specific magnification requirements on new vehicles. This has long been the standard. But now auto makers are making a good argument that they’re unnecessary.

The case is being made that vehicles with no mirrors will be more aerodynamic, fuel efficient, and safe. By replacing the large mirror cases on the outside of vehicles with tiny cameras, car buyers will receive a more proficient product.

The only problem is that we have nothing to compare this model to. In fact, there is only one vehicle that exclusively uses a camera system to see behind the car. It’s a futuristic product by Volkswagen - the XL1. The sleek car is a posh $145,000 making it virtually unavailable to the general public. If that weren’t inaccessible enough, there are only 250 models scheduled to be built and it is currently illegal to drive in the United Sates. What I’m saying is basically that there is no camera-exclusive motor vehicle that we can test to accurately gage what this new no-mirror concept would drive like.

I think the automakers have a good point. My only issue lies with the cost. While back up cameras only cost about $150 per car, how often would they need to be maintained or replaced? What if automakers installed cheap camera systems to force the consumer to constantly repair and replace them? It certainly raises some eyebrows. It can also lead to a dangerous situation if people’s camera systems unexpectedly go out on them in the middle of driving.

There are obviously some big questions to be answered in this seemingly small change. However, if given until 2018 to fully develop the idea and force the change, I think I’m on board. It would be nice to someday buy and affordable vehicle with a full-fledges camera system installed. No longer will the video mirrors be for luxury vehicles alone! Maybe, thirty years down the road, we can all feel like technological royalty while taking a Sunday drive.

Issue 651 - 4/21/14
A STEP IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION

The kids are losing it. I’ll tell you up front, this article is directed at young people. When I say “young” I don’t necessarily mean children as much as I mean High School and College-aged beings. I don’t mean want to add another criticism to this generation; after all, it is my generation. It seems like every day I hear something negative about “kids these days”.

Among the accusations are that we seem lazy, immoral, unprofessional, bound by our electronic devices, and plenty more. These stereotypes don’t really bother me for two reasons: 1) these are partly true. 2) all of these things are always said about the rising breed of teens and young adults. Remember all the criticisms that came with the “sex, drugs, and rock n’ roll” typecast of the 1960’s? Those hippies and rebels are now running the country and we’re still here aren’t we? So let me say up front that I think we as a generation will go on to live productive, moral, meaningful lives. However, the kids are still ‘losing it’. What you ask? They’re losing their music; which finds itself on the verge of death.

There’s a picture going viral on the internet that describes this issue better than I ever could. In the soon-to-be iconic photo, we see a coffee cup and a title boldly stating The Problem. It goes like this –

The problem is that people are willing to pay $5 for a cup of coffee that: They can make at home, cost pennies to make, and is gone forever after one use.

But people aren’t willing to pay $1 for a song that: Cost thousands to record, took years of practice to make, and will last a lifetime!

It’s so true! But unfortunately music fans today are spoiled with thousands of illegal download and subscription-based streaming sites that allow users to listen to any song, from any artist, at any time, for free! It sounds great, I know, but eventually it will be the death of the industry. When people download their favorite bands song for free (surprise!) the artist receives no money in return for their hard work. This will often leave artists in debt to their Record Label, bankrupt, and no longer making those beautiful sounds you so coveted.

Because of this free music epidemic, the quality of music is beginning to suffer. No longer are the days when an artist or band could spend three years recording a masterpiece album. Instead, labels need singles to come out quick and cheap, leaving little time and money for true art. Artists and labels are looking for a hit song now. Then it’s on to the next. And while some musicians are still out there working to create music that matters, they are now undoubtedly on borrowed time.

The catch is, there’s only one person who can fix it - you. I’m not asking anyone to go out and buy music for the sake of throwing money at major labels and famous pop singers who already have millions of dollars. I just ask that you financially support artists that make the music that you care about. It’s a small step in the right direction; a tactical move in the war to keep art breathing. So take the step and drag that other foot along. Then tell your friend to start walking. If you don’t move fast enough you may notice a change in the atmosphere; the deafening sound of silence.

Issue 652 - 4/28/14
CARRY ON

It’s about that time of year again for gas prices to skyrocket. It happens every summer. Still, like the year before, people will act shocked and complain that gas has lunged to over $4 per gallon. Then, November and December will roll around and folks will be relieved to see prices dropping to just under $3. Then, the cycle will repeat. None of this really means anything. The fact is that we the people will live with the cost and hope for cheaper days ahead. It does however change one major thing about the summer. In contrast to the ties of my childhood it is often now cheaper for people to fly to their summer vacation destination; which leads me to this week’s rant, airplane safety.

I’m not paranoid at all. I’m not one of those people that start shaking when the plane takes off. I don’t have visions of the wheels falling off or the oxygen masks unraveling down while alarm’s ring rampant. I don’t even fear heights. As far as the efficiency of the plane, I have no concerns about safety. Statistically it’s safer to fly then drive in fact, which I’m sure you’ve heard before. My safety concerns are of another nature. After reading the musing of a former flight attendant I realized it’s the things we often ignore that should worry us the most.

Now there are some myths about airplanes we should get out of the way. For example, I’ve heard people speculate about flying with pets a lot. It’s been told that they’re just thrown under the plane and left to survive in an unpressurized, unheated hole. That’s not exactly the case. In fact, at 30,000 feet without heat in an unpressurized cabin, pets would die. In fact, dogs, cats, and other cuddly creatures are left in the hold, where it’s warm and safe. So that’s comforting.

What’s uncomforting is the most basic of airline niceties. The coffee and tea are a prime example. While it may seem harmless to have a cup next time you fly, you might want to give it careful consideration. The EPA actually warns people with at-risk immune systems to stay away from airplane water. The tanks that hold water below the plane are popular breeding grounds for bacteria and other nonsense.

Another concern in the diary of said flight attendant pertained to what is usually the most comforting airplane extra – pillows, blankets, and headphones. Though they may come in a fancy plastic bag, folded and neat, there’s about a 90% chance they haven’t been washed in a long time. The turnover between flights is usually hectic and the staff is forced to get the necessary things done. Those things don’t include washing blankets and pillow cases. So the next time you’re looking to take a nap in flight, you might consider your own pillow as a carry-on.

There are also major concerns about the purity of tray tables and the cleanliness of the seats we’re sitting in; but I don’t mean to deter your desire to fly this upcoming season with these nit-picky particulars.

It’s not as if people who fly are constantly walking off the plane with rare ailments. It’s just a few pointers for your next trip. While you may have more control over the elements when you choose to road trip, you are also subject to a longer journey, wear-and-tear, and the aforementioned high fuel prices. My advice (worth all of two cents) is to take the cheaper, more comfortable route, whichever that may be. Just don’t drink the coffee.

Issue 653 - 5/5/14
STAR MUSINGS

There’s been a lot of hoopla over Star Wars lately. Most of you know all about the classic 70’s and 80’s trilogy that became legend overnight. Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, and Princess Leia are to film lore as the Beatles are to music. The whole cast of characters in unforgettable, from memorable antagonist Darth Vader to lovable robots C3PO and R2D2. If I think about it enough it takes me right back to my childhood. Who didn’t love the famed sci-fi series at one point or another?

Which is what makes me so curious for December 18th, 2015. That’s the scheduled release date of the news Star Wars trilogy brought to life by director JJ Abrams. This has all been public knowledge for a while now. The reason there has been a lot of Star Wars hype recently is because just last week the official cast for the new trilogy was announced. Suffice to say, fans were ecstatic to finally have it confirmed that Mark Hamill (Luke), Harrison Ford (Han), and Carrie Fischer (Leia) are all on board to reprise their classic roles! Also included in the new cast are relative unknowns Oscar Isaac (Inside Llewyn Davis), Andy Serkis (Lord of the Rings), and newcomer Daisy Ridley.

While some are extremely skeptical of the new films, I like to hold out hope that the new trilogy can be every bit as great as the old! I know that sounds ridiculous, especially coming off the heels of the last three films, which received a lukewarm response at best.

The thing is, that director JJ Abrams is perhaps becoming the Spielberg of his time (high praise, I know). He has done an excellent job rebooting the Star Trek series and made entertaining family adventure thrillers, like Super 8. He also has had outstanding success in television, driving and creating shows like Alias, Lost, and Fridge. Also helping Abrams is of course the star power and vintage feel of having original characters back in the series: even Chewbacca is planning to return!

What I’m trying to sell you here is simple – give this thing a chance. I’m going on record right now saying that the new Star Wars trilogy will be the best trilogy in the series to date (Nick Snips does not represent the opinion and stance of Snippetz). I know, most of you probably think I’ve finally gone off the deep end. I think if you were to look at the original series though, you would find pretty good movies with a lot of great moments. Sure, nothing will ever compete with the legend of the original franchise, but the new trilogy could certainly be more consistent and just as entertaining.

So over the next 18 months or so, all I ask is that you keep an open mind. You’ll hear endless rumors about plot lines, cameos, and lens flares (Abrams often criticized camera trick). I say at least wait for the teaser trailer, which you can probably expect this Christmas. After all the speculation and talk, only one thing will matter – the film itself. I think giving Episode VII at least one unbiased view is only fair. Then you can talk all you want about comparing it to the classic trilogy. But beware, you have been warned. It might just be better than you expected. So I say to you JJ Abrams – may the force, undoubtedly, be with you.

Issue 654 - 5/12/14
WE WILL ROCK YOU

Wait, it’s a trap!

You’ve probably heard that before. Maybe it was in a blockbuster film, or perhaps you were carousing around the inside of an ancient Egyptian tomb when your assistant kindly warned you; either way, it’s not a phrase most people are unaware of. I for one know a trap far too well. It’s the same one I fall into every late spring/early summer. It’s like an annual tradition at this point. I always get too excited, too early in thinking that the Colorado Rockies are a potential MLB playoff team.

This year just feels different though, doesn’t it? It’s not just because Charlie Blackmon looks more like Jose Bautista then well, um, Charlie Blackmon; or because the Rockies are rolling without much help from last year’s main contributors Carlos Gonzalez and Michael Cuddyer. The Rockies offense is putting up potentially historic numbers led by the NL’s leading MVP candidate Troy Tulowitzki. Tulo, as he’s so adoringly referred to by fans, is currently batting at an insane .414*. He also has 9 Home Runs, 31 RBI’s, and is a defensive juggernaut as he remains one of the league’s best short stops. Right now, bar none, he’s the best player in baseball.

But it’s not just him. The whole offense is exploding. Through the first few months of the 2014 MLB season, the Rockies have had three surprise players break out. The first is the aforementioned Blackmon (who’s hitting .351). The next is young 3rd basemen Nolan Arenado, who has already gone off for the longest hitting streak in franchise history. Yet another is the historically mediocre Justin Morneau, who suddenly looks like a franchise player. The Rox currently shelter the best offense in baseball, statistically leading the MLB in every major offensive category including Batting Average, Slugging Percentage, On Base Percentage, and Runs scored.

Which brings us to the thorn in this purple and black rose – the pitching. When it comes down to it, baseball is a sport most often determined by a guy on the mound. For the last several years, Colorado has played host to some of the worst starting pitching in the league; this year looks no different. While the Rockies hotter-than-Kate-Upton offense may win them a string of games this summer, eventually the pitching will have to carry its weight.
I’m sorry to inform you that I just don’t believe that will happen. The Rockies currently sit in the bottom third of the league in pitching numbers, where they will likely reside. Even if Tulo and company continue to have the best offense in the league, the Rockies would have to have luck on their side to win a very competitive NL West. I’m not saying it’s impossible though. It just doesn’t make me feel confident in my next statement.

It is my official prediction that the Colorado Rockies will make the MLB Playoffs this year. As a wildcard. Then they’ll get swept in the first round. The offensive side show will likely continue, which makes for great entertainment. I cannot show enough confidence in the pitching staff to do any real damage in October though. But hey, who am I? Maybe Colorado will plow through another Rocktober and win the Pennant ala 2007!? Or maybe reality will catch up with the offense and the team will suffer another sub-.500 season? Both are possibilities, but I’m sticking to my guns. They’ll make the playoffs and disappoint once they arrive. Even so, you should make the trek up to Denver and catch a few ballgames this year. Baseball is more about the journey there than the end result - kind of like ABC’s 2000’s sci-fi drama LOST. But I digress.

*All statistics were accurate at the time this article was written, but are outdated at the time you’re reading it.

Issue 655 - 5/19/14
NEW YORK’S FINEST AND THE TALL TALE OF THE CASH COUCH

Old pants have so much potential. Especially if you haven’t worn them in months. It’s like they completely went missing from your life and then all of the sudden they’re back. Let me explain myself, now. The potential for finding unexpected money in the pocket of old pants goes up astronomically. There’s nothing quite like stumbling upon $20 you didn’t know you had. This of course can apply to a lot of other things. People often find forgotten cash in coat pockets, old purses, or wallets.

You can stumble upon some dough in the midst of moving out of an old house. Then there’s the random places – a shoe, your car, an old desk drawer, or stuffed inside of old furniture.

Take for example three New York students who recently bought a $20 couch at a Salvation Army Thrift Store. They happened to stumble upon a lot of cash that no one knew was there. Luckily for these young lads, the money found was a whopping 40-thousand dollars!

The three boys stumbled upon the money while trying to hash out bumps that made the couch so uncomfortable, according to them. Upon finding no evidence of who the money belonged to, they started flipping out, as any respectable young man would.

“Next door, they actually thought that we won the lottery. Our walls are really thin between our wall and their wall,” one of the students told their local news station.

Unfortunately for New York’s luckiest three men (at that time), they did eventually discover a deposit slip hidden in the couch. At that time, there was little debate. The three reached a consensus that the money belonged to the woman listed on the deposit slip. Apparently, the 91-year old owner had stashed the money in the couch because she didn’t trust banks. When she entered the hospital a couple of months ago for a broken hip, her family donated the couch to the Salvation Army with no knowledge of the hidden dough (in fairness to them, the couch was pretty lumpy).

The students tracked down the 91-year old owner and returned the money, each receiving a 1-Thousand dollar reward for their honesty. Which is still a pretty good haul for buying a $20 couch!

But 1-Thousand dollars hardly compares to 40-Thousand. I think there is little question that the three young men did the right thing. The only remaining question is would you have done the same? Sure it’s easy to say the words, but imagine 40G’s staring you in the face. There is no possible way you can get caught for grabbing the cash; who’s to prove that a Salvation Army employee didn’t pocket the money? No one would ever know for certain. Not convinced yet?

Let’s say you knew the owner of the money was 91. Does that change your thinking? Perhaps you view it as a simple question of ‘who needs the money more’. Personally, I’d like to think I’d do the same thing as the heroes of our story did. But what if I was alone? What if there were no friends or family to impress? It is certainly a moral conundrum.

It’s my best guess that about 85-percent of people would have done what the three New York students decided to do. So where do you fall - the 85-percent? Or are you one of the %15 that just got 40-Thousand dollars richer? Don’t worry, you don’t have to answer me. The only person you have to be honest with is yourself.

Issue 656 - 5/26/14
DOWN TO THE LAST SCENT

Last week, my wife and I were given quite a scare. Our seemingly perfectly healthy Golden Retriever suddenly had a tennis ball-sized lump right under his jaw. It’s like a radioactive rollie pollie wedged his way in there and snuggled up. It all happened overnight. It was just there. Now I’m not one of those totally crazy people who equates my dog’s health and suffering with that of human – but you better bet my Wife and Mother-in-law are.

Sure enough we rushed “Laker” down to the Animal Hospital and got him fixed up. It was an infection allegedly caused by a bite mark from a fellow canine. Investigation is still underway on the culprit, but our puppy is now back to normal; life goes on.

It makes you wonder why the connection between dog and man is so strong. I know some folks prefer cats - but I’m not one of those people, so we’re going to deem felines completely and utterly fictional for the purpose of this article. Not only have cats (who, if you remember from the last sentence, don’t actually exist) led to asthma trouble throughout my life, but they also seem to be glaring at me every time I enter a room. It’s not natural. Anyway, back to my point about beautiful, perfect, fluffy, loving, wonderful doggies….
I decided to investigate the rumors of man’s best friend being the race of pooch. It turned out to be extremely true when I stumbled upon a recent study that shows the life-saving ability of dogs.

“Science People” are now unanimously saying that dogs are actually able to sniff out cancer in their owners! What’s more amazing is their research shows that trained scent-sniffing dogs can detect cancer with an accuracy rate higher than the most advanced lab procedures. That sounds pretty amazing, but not when you take a closer look at what a dog’s nose is actually capable of.

The canine is capable of smelling in parts per trillion. Imagine cutting yourself and a drop of your blood falls into Monument Lake. From any spot in that lake, a dog could sniff out the drop of blood. It’s what the new generation would call ‘straight up gangsta!’ (And what the older generation would call, Groovy?) Either way, I think it’s safe to say we’re all impressed.

Which leads me to the most amazing discovery of all – dogs are able to smell cancer in their owners even at Stage Zero. This is because a dog constantly smells its surroundings and has an instinct to protect those it loves. If you use a different deodorant, your dog can tell. If you cut your finger, your dog can tell. All of those things are detected by smell; just like cancer. Strangely enough, there would be an extremely subtle change in the scent of your breathe and the dog would notice.

Now even if your’ precious pet detected stage zero cancer in your body, he/she would likely have no way of warning you. A dog specifically trained for it can though. In the same way that narcotic sniffing dogs are, cancer sniffing dogs can be easily trained with a target-odor/reward strategy. Of course this would be very difficult for someone who doesn’t know anything about professionally training dogs, but the fact that this is even possible is astounding, isn’t it?

It’s just another dog fact I didn’t know about that makes me happy that “Laker” is safe and sound. Now for all of you cat owners waiting for an apology, let me just ask you one question first.

How are you still here? I would have bet anything you’d have stopped reading this article when I deemed your favorite feline’s as figments of your imagination. Kudos for sticking it out and reading this. But no apologies this week; just a gentle pat on the shoulder.

Issue 657 - 6/2/14
FIERY FACTS OR FICTION?

It’s often said that someone who doesn’t view reality equal to that of society’s norms lives in a “fantasy world”. When we hear phrases like this we think of a magical, mystical land. There could be fairies, goblins, giants, and more! It all sounds pretty spectacular… and terrifying. Usually children live by these standards, assuming that the impossible is real. Their imaginations run wild.

But what if I told you not all of these wild illusions were completely out of the realm of possibility? What if things that you deem imaginary exist every bit as much as you do? I’m going to hit you with the facts according to Nick - seeing is not believing. Not always. I’m about to challenge everything you ever thought about so-called fictional creatures. I can’t cover everything, obviously, so we’ll have to pick just one. How about Dragons?

What do China, India, Brazil, England, and Japan all have in common? Each of these continent’s folklore are littered with Dragons. Now that may not seem like anything too crazy, but consider the following; how long ago did these legends and myths originate? I’m betting you thought to yourself something along the lines of a very long time ago, Nick. Bingo! You are correct. Often time’s tales of Dragons date back to early biblical times, also known as dates that end with a B.C.

In this age of never ending information it may be hard to realize that back then there was virtually no form of communication between cities and towns, much less nations. How is it then that almost every continent on Earth has Dragons in their ancient tradition? It seems it would take an enormous coincidence for thousands of different people all living on different parts of the Earth to create the exact same mythical creature. Too much of a happenstance for this humble writer.

So then, wouldn’t it make sense that Dragons really did at one point live? Not necessarily. Some historians point to confusion and misunderstanding as the source for the Dragon’s origins. We’ll call these folks DD’s (Dragon-Doubters). The DD’s say that fossils of dinosaurs were probably a little easier to stumble upon thousands of years ago. Therefore, these cultures encountered a lot of bones they had no explanation for. With a lack of historical and scientific knowledge, this led to people creating the Dragon as a means of explaining the fossils.

I know what you’re thinking - what a weak argument DD’s. I totally agree. Based on my third and fourth paragraph it should be clear to everyone that Dragons did exist, long ago. But if you need a little more evidence, consider my seventh paragraph.

Dragons exist right now! It’s true. Though the creatures I’m referring to are quite tiny, they are a doppelganger to the common image of Dragons we’ve seen throughout our lives in paintings and movies. They’re called Draco Volans (which is science-talk for Flying Dragon). The thumb-sized rare species is capable of flight and is a carnivorous reptile. While it doesn’t breathe fire, the tiny creature is great evidence for the all the believers out there who choose to believe that Dragons are/were real.

I hope you’ll carefully consider the facts from both sides that have been clearly laid out in this non-partisan article. Perhaps I’m crazy. Maybe I’m one of those who live in a “fantasy world,” I don’t know. Either way, the DD’s out there won’t be ready if/ when the Dragons invade. I on the other hand will have my shelter, weapons, and army prepared. Whose side are you on?

Issue 658 - 6/9/14
ADAPTION

Have you ever driven one of those cars that parks itself? Apparently it’s all the rage. There are a lot of happy people cruising around out there who don’t have to stress about the daunting task of parallel parking anymore. Now, I happen to pride myself on being an excellent parallel parker, so needless to say I never expect to drive one of these “smart cars”. In fact, the very idea of letting a car park itself for me is absolutely terrifying! What if it hits someone’s vehicle? It wasn’t my fault and yet I’ll be responsible for the damage. It’s very difficult to accept the fact that someday, due to statistics and the rapid pace of advanced engineering, I may eventually be forced to own one of these vehicles.

But then I see, it is not okay to feel this way. I’ll make my point in a moment, hang with me.

First, I’d like to talk about evolution. No, not the whole ape-to-man development theory, but rather a gradual development of something from a simple form to a complex one. Take for example a cellular phone in the 2010’s. It’s amazing. It’s less of a phone now then it is an entire computer operating system. We can access our email, facebook, check the weather, get directions, and so much more. But where did it all begin?

It started, believe it or not, with an acoustic string phone. The brainchild of physicist Robert Hooke, the acoustic string phone is not dissimilar to the tin can telephone we now most often recognize as a children’s toy. Eventually Alexander Graham Bell developed the basic design into the earliest form of the telephone. When his patent expired in the late 1800’s, the telephone began developing at a high rate. Different companies would experiment with the then-revolutionary technology and over the next century slowly stumble onto the idea of a phone that consumers could take anywhere. That walk around ‘tellie’, combined with the rise of the internet, eventually culminated into the cell phone most people own today – that is evolution at its finest.

It’s amazing how in two short decades cell phones and the internet have integrated themselves into the daily life of almost every first world citizen. Even I, a 90’s baby, remember the supposed dangers of the internet. When the online circuit first hit it big people were getting credit card information stolen regularly. It was an unsolvable problem. Shopping online was high-risk and foolish. Today, the internet is as secure, if not safer, than shopping at Walmart. EBay and Amazon are two of the most trusted retailers in the world and they work exclusively over the internet, with independent sellers. It’s hard to remember how scared we were of our money getting taken from us when these companies first launched.

Obviously there are still struggles. Websites like Craigslist have been linked to scams, fraud, and even violent crime. But don’t blame the internet. After all, there will always be someone out there scheming to hold up a 7-11; same goes for the web, there are criminals everywhere seeking an opportunity to take advantage of honest folks.

What I’m getting at is this – we can’t be scared to evolve. I hear people spitting fears about new age technology and modern society on a daily basis. Just because it’s different doesn’t make it wrong. Don’t be afraid of what you don’t understand, get to know it. In a few more decades we may very well be riding around in cars that park themselves. We might have houses that control their own temperatures. We could even end up seeing our kitchen appliances go wireless. It doesn’t mean everyone will get in a car crash, freeze to death in bed, and burn their pizza. There will always be trouble in this world. That doesn’t mean you should run away from the inevitable evolution of day-to-day living. The best thing you can do is keep your head high, your eyes open, adapt, and check your pizza every three to five minutes.

Issue 659 - 6/16/14
SQUEEZE

Recently, my wife and I entered one of those ridiculous sweepstakes that can land you one-hundred grand, a new home, and a new car with just the luck of a draw. We saw it on a commercial and thought, I could really see myself living in that multi-million dollar home for free. So we went ahead and sent our email address to them twice a day for over a month.

Now here’s the part where I tell you that we didn’t win and all we ended up with was a bunch of spam email and this lousy article, right? Wrong! We actually haven’t heard the results. It will be announced about a week away from the release of this not-so-lousy article. The spam email will most likely be a problem either way.

The point I’m trying to make here is most likely a relatable one – everyone wants to live large for little to no money. And why not? If there’s a chance to live like the rich and famous without actually having to work your way to the top, who wouldn’t throw down an email address or two? Unfortunately the whole ‘live for cheap’ movement has recently taken a big step in the wrong direction. In the past decade or so the Tiny Home has caught on.

If you’re unfamiliar with pintsized housing just read any hip magazine or internet blog, they’re littered with them. The Tiny Home is an affordable, eco-friendly house which basically stands as a glorified wooden box. Usually these homes are sold on great buzzwords like “sustainability”, “affordable”, and “eco-friendly”. They stand between 100-300 square feet and usually run for under $40,000. Keep in mind that price includes utilities and furniture. Pretty much every tiny home I’ve ever seen has been laid out like a studio apartment with a loft for a bedroom to make fuller use of the space given. People are building these homes themselves (normally on flatbed trailers) with contemporary appeal and it’s blowing up; it’s a movement I tell you.

Everyone young, poor, and cool wants a Tiny Home.

But before you jump on the bandwagon and throw dirt on me for trying to pull you off, we need to consider a few things. The first and most pressing matter is the issue of land. One must be a land owner to build their own Tiny Home. Not to mention the actual durability of these things. Sure they look great, but how well will they hold up in the hands of an angry mother nature? Usually the Tiny Home is built with the cheapest biodegradable materials money can buy. Suffice to say, I don’t want this thing holding up four feet of snow should the occasion arise.

Another obvious issue comes down to space. Sure a college aged hipster can fit comfortably in a Tiny Home, but what happens when he/she has a family? Once you add a spouse, two kids, and a dog, 149-square feet can feel like quite a squeeze.

With all the hoopla about Tiny Homes over the inter-webs I found myself considering the pros and cons. They look pretty awesome and I’ve no doubt that building my own would be quite fulfilling. But I also have to be realistic. I can’t live my life based on some fantasy world where things just happen to work out for the best. There are real obstacles to overcome in all of our lives. Hard work and practical thinking are the pillars of success. Quite frankly, getting a job and a decent loan would land me and my family a better house than 25,000 worth of recyclable material would. Luckily I don’t have to worry about that, since I’m going to win that Dream Home Sweepstakes next week.

Issue 660 - 6/23/14
THE NAME GAME

Imagine a situation in which an ant finds itself at the end of a long day of work. It’s not easy being the eight legged insect. Ants have been lauded for their hard work, organization, and ability to adapt to nearly any environment. In fact, ants colonize every single continent except for Antarctica. This is a testament to their survival skills. So, suffice to say, if you were an ant winding down your evening, you’d probably want to get some rest for the next day. But what if you encountered an evil 8-year old human trying to melt you under his microscope? You could simply run and hide. Go back to your colony and wait it out. The kid’s got to be called in for dinner eventually. The other option is to stand and wage war with this adolescent giant. Pick up your sword and start swinging. But you’re an ant – you, my friend, would be fighting a losing battle.

Which is what the Washington Redskins and their owner Dan Snyder are doing right now. Over the past three or so years, the “skins” have been under heavier scrutiny than ever before about their name.

If you don’t know who I’m talking about, let me quickly explain. The Redskins are a professional football team based out of our nation’s capital. As a part of the NFL the Washington franchise has won 3 Super Bowl Championships, 13 Division Titles, and 6 Conference Championships. They were one of the most notable franchises in NFL history through the early 1990’s. Since then, they’ve been mostly irrelevant. Until recently that is, when the media and seemingly society took a major stance against their name. Now, suddenly they’re as relevant as they’ve ever been for all the wrong reasons.

The name “Redskins” is controversial in the Native American community. It’s one of those things that went largely un-talked about for a long time; but everyone knew it was there. Last year when Bob Costas famously called the name “An insult, a slur” on Sunday Night Football, the war for Washington’s team identity was on the brink. Last week, the U.S. Patent Office denied Washington a trademark for the Redskins name, calling it “disparaging to Native American families”.

But it’s not that cut and dry. In a poll conducted by USA Today just last year, 79% of Americans felt the team should keep its name. Even with the press weighing down heavier on the franchise, the same poll brought even better results for the Redskins’ name as that number jumped to 83% in 2014.

It’s easy to dismiss these polls and claim that the numbers rank so high because Native Americans stand as a minority and other races wouldn’t be offended. But that’s not really what’s happening. In fact, in polls taken asking self-identifying Native Americans if they were offended by the name “Redskins” a whopping 90% said no. That’s quite a high number.

So what gives? The fact is that the media is so obsessed with political correctness in this era, that they’ll attack anyone and everyone who might be offending someone. Are a couple of people offended by the name? Absolutely. But that doesn’t give Snyder or Washington fans a good reason to change it. Some people are offended by the personal beliefs of Chik-fil-a’s outspoken owner, so they simply don’t eat there. It would be ridiculous to expect the fast-food chain to close down because some people don’t agree with the owner.
The Redskins’ name is part of Washington’s tradition. Many fans grew up with that name and logo defining their fandom. Whether or not we change the name, it will still be written all of the history books and repeated through time.

Not to mention the overwhelming issue of surrendering to media pressure. We teach our children all the time not to succumb to peer pressure. What message are we sending if a giant organization like the Redskins had to change its entire image because 90% of the media want them to?

But none of that matters. We know who holds the power these days. It says here that the Redskins will change their name before the kickoff of the 2016 season, of not sooner. Dan Snyder can fight as hard as he pleases, but the metaphorical microscope will slowly melt away his ambitions. He’s just a little bug in this big, big human-world. The war has been lost. And it’s probably for the better. I’m sick of reading and hearing about it; I’m sick of writing about it.

Issue 661 - 6/30/14
KICK: THE STORY OF SOCCER’S FAILURE IN AMERICA

Every year stadiums full of people lose their minds over one specific sporting event. Rabid fans ruthlessly wear their team colors. Because it’s so widespread and the competition is so intense fans find themselves too often in fights and fits over what some would call is “just a game”. I’m not talking about what many would consider a violent sport like Hockey. I’m not even talking about America’s most popular sports league, the NFL. I’m talking about what we would call Soccer.

Football (the non-American kind) is undoubtedly the most popular sport in the world. If we’re counting purely by numbers, more fans attend more games than in any other sport. In light of the World Cup taking over ESPN this month, I thought it might be a good time to investigate why Soccer has never taken off in the United States as a spectator sport. So, I’m going to dedicate two weeks to it.

PART I – Likeability and Marketability

Last week, the USA faced Germany in a World Cup Group game that pulled the highest American television ratings of any Soccer game since the 2010 World Cup. The ratings, in fact, competed with that of last month’s NBA Finals and NHL Stanley Cup matches. Though the USA lost the game to Germany, they still advanced to the Knockout round of the 2014 FIFA World Cup in somewhat of an upset. The US Team was said to be in “The Group of Death” and given little chance by experts and commentators to make it into the tournament of 16. But they pulled it off, as Facebook and Twitter went wild. American sports fans universally rejoiced.

So the likability of the sport doesn’t seem to be a major issue. Personally, I’ve really enjoyed the World Cup this year. Following the USA Team has been every bit as exciting as following my favorite MLB team (or more exciting, because let’s face it, The Rockies are falling apart). So then, what seems to be the problem with the popularity of MLS (Major League Soccer) in America?

The answer is big money. Though soccer is considered the most popular sport in the world, it also pulls in the least amount of money of any sport. I know that seems hard to believe, but the least valuable NFL Franchise pulls in more annual income than the most valuable English Premier League Football Team; this all despite the fact that Real Madrid pulls in more attendance than the Jacksonville Jaguars by a count of about 12-1.

How is that even possible? It’s because in the good old USA, we make it all about the money. Team owners of every sport are willing to lose as long as it means profit. Look at teams like the Buffalo Bills or Cleveland Browns. Those franchises have seemingly always struggled with the exception of about a decade, each. In International Soccer, team owners feel pressure to win. They are willing to spend loads of cash to get the very best team put together.

But that’s not even the biggest factor. The largest reason Soccer makes less money than any other sport in the world is television deals. In each sport it seems we’re interrupted with a commercial break every 5-minutes, except for Soccer. This is because a continuous clock runs for 90-minutes, with no timeouts. There is a brief half time for 15-minutes, which only allows for a couple of commercial breaks.

In theory, this should make the game more popular, right? I mean, most fan complaints against the NFL, NBA, or MLB is that we’re interrupted too much by television ads we don’t care about. Heck, the Super Bowl is the most watched television event of every year and it seems to be overshadowed at times by commercials. Think about that, the biggest sporting event in America is actually watched by some people just for the ads! Shouldn’t people love watching a sport that goes uninterrupted for 45-minute intervals? We’ll address that and more next week in Part II of this column…

Issue 662 - 7/7/14
KICK: THE STORY OF SOCCER’S FAILURE IN AMERICA

Last week, we discussed a few reasons holding Football (Soccer) back from being a genuinely popular spectator sport in America. I already eliminated likeability as a factor. With the World Cup games pulling in television ratings that can compete with other major league playoff games, it seems silly to say American’s don’t like Soccer. The issues at hand seem to have more to do with money. The first being that team owners in the MLS are unwilling to outspend the English Premier League in Europe for marquee players. The next issue has to do with television money. With almost no time for advertisements, Soccer pulls in less money from television deals than any other major sport in the world.

PART II: You Never Give Me Your Money

Last week, in part one of this legendary two-part column, I was astutely pointing out that American sports fans should love Soccer for having less ads than other major sports. So why would television revenue affect MLS popularity?

Because more income means more expense. I know that seems simple enough to figure out, but think about it. The NFL is a multi-billion dollar league, largely due to exclusive television deals like DirecTV’s NFL Sunday Ticket, with allows Football fans to watch any game from anywhere, live while it happens. Because of this, the NFL is able to spend more money than any other league. Think about the television production and promotional prowess of the NFL. It’s unmatched. That’s because when comparing leagues like the NFL to the MLS, the NFL looks and sounds better. It also hypes better. Excitement for the annual NFL Draft has actually landed it a primetime television spot that beats the ratings of any MLS game of the season. That’s a big deal.
So what you ask, is the core issue here? The problem is the American Sports fan. We’ve become superficial. We don’t just want superior athletes, we want celebrities. It’s no coincidence that the MLS saw a rise in popularity when David Beckham joined the LA Galaxy. Sure, he was a premier player. But more than that he was an international star; married to a supermodel and known for his charm and good looks. People want to watch David Beckham. They want to root for him or root against him. He was the LeBron of the MLS. Soccer needs polarizing players for Americans to get behind it. The MLS needs better on-screen graphics; they need controversial commentators. I guarantee some people watch the NBA just to hear the always notable Charles Barkley comment on the game later. Simply put – the MLS isn’t entertaining enough as a league, even though the game itself is.

And that’s the shame, it has nothing to do with the sport. We’ve been spoiled with the superstars and lunatics of the NFL, NBA, MLB, and NHL. We’ve seen Tom Brady marry Gisele. We’ve seen Kobe Bryant jump over a car on YouTube. We’ve watched as Ron Artest got into a fist fight with a fan at an NBA game. The MLS can’t give us that. It simply isn’t as fun to follow. Beckham gave the league a brief stint of star power, but it didn’t last long enough, or produce any real results. Soccer will always struggle to stand up to the entertainment value of the “Big Four” American sports leagues.

Unless they finds a way to change the flow of the game. It sounds evil, but the only way to sell Soccer to the people, is to sell out the sport itself. If they can force in more timeouts, they can sell more ads. If they can sell more ads, they can buy better players. The rest will fall into place. Of course, real fans of the sport would be horrified. But the MLS would open itself to millions of sports fans who never even knew they existed.

Of course that will never happen. Soccer will continue to be like the Olympics; something we as a country get behind every four years. So in that spirit, enjoy the rest of the World Cup. Sure, we’re not going to win it all, but in all likelihood it’s the last bit of Soccer you’ll watch until 2018. So kick back and take it all in.

Issue 663 - 7/14/14
WHEELS IN THE SKY

Every so often something so incredibly cool and pointless comes along that you have to tell all your friends about it. Such is the case in this week’s Nick Snips column. What I’m about to write about has little importance to your day-to-day life. It doesn’t make any good points. It won’t Mke you think about something differently than you thought about it before. But again, it’s just too cool to keep quiet and you guys are my friend’s right?

I remember a few years ago when budget cuts were made to NASA. People had a tizzy (which is like a fizzy, but angrier). Some top NASA scientists were forced to figure out what they were going to do. For Dan Granett, a former member of NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory, it came easy. After developing landing crafts, rovers, and robots for the government, Granett moved on to something a little bigger. Namely, the Bugjuggler – a 70ft tall robot that is designed to do exactly what its name suggests – juggle automobiles.

Hoping to raise a budget of 2.3-million dollars, Granett has a full design and concept for the robot. He just needs some funding. The human-like design would be complete with hydraulic limbs and accumulators, while being powered by a diesel engine. The giant machine could be controlled by an operator on the ground as well as from a sitting chamber inside the robots head. That’s pretty awesome.

While the Bugjuggler probably does prefer to juggle a VW Beetle, it can really juggle any automotive machine. Which raises the obvious question – what’s stopping it from stomping through our cities and juggling civilian automobiles? Exactly nothing, is the answer.

Which is really the only problem I have with the Bugjuggler; the potential negatives outweigh the potential positives. Sure the machine is the coolest thing since sliced bread, but is it really necessary at all? Couldn’t 2-million dollars be more responsibly spent developing medicine or technology that can actually serve to help the human race?

I’m sure Granett is aware of these things. As the developer of the robot, I like to assume he is rather intelligent. But why then is he seeking a privately funded project. If I know the government, and I think I do (my friend is running for president in 2036, after all), they love to waste money on pointless projects like this. Dan Granett’s best shot at funding the Bugluggler is to get a government grant. They owe him anyway after that whole NASA thing.

I’m unsure if Granett will ever fund the project. But it doesn’t really matter if he does or not. There is an underlying issue that has to be addressed. I know I promised in the opening paragraph not to make you think this week; just hang with me for a second here. If a 70ft robot who can juggle trucks is a very real possibility in this day and age, what else is possible? How far are we from those fictional Transformers’ robots becoming a reality? What else can be made?

It’s not important that a former NASA scientist wants to build a robot beyond our wildest dreams. It’s important that he’s capable. We as a race have been pushing the limits of technology for hundreds of years. I hope we continue to do so. Mark my words though, a day will come when that strive for excellence leads to a dangerous planet. Inevitably, the artificial intelligence and manufactured strength of technology will overcome the simple nature of mankind.

That being said – I really hope this guy builds his awesome robot. Surely I would pay tickets to see it in action.

Issue 664 - 7/21/14
THE NAKED TRUTH

If you were to go to any community college or university seeking a marketing degree you would be taught Marketing 101. This would include instructions about a proper press release, what images and angles appeal to a buyer’s eye, and how to play specifically to a demographic. Of course, if we’re being honest, marketing 101 is quite simple in the 21st century – sex sells.

It’s quite possible that you have yet to realize a new trend on TV. The trend I refer to is “nude TV”. I’m not talking about how movies and television have more sexual content and topless women running around; that’s been true for years. I’m talking about reality shows actually based around naked people.

Take for example the new buzzworthy VH1 romantic reality show Dating Nude. The show is exactly what it sounds like, pitting single men and women in a neutral dating environment with one twist – they’re completely naked the whole time.

Another fine example would be Discovery Channel’s Naked and Afraid. A conservative network by nature, Discovery (like VH1), pits a man and a women completely naked together. In this show the two are thrown into the wilderness to see how long they can survive with virtually no supplies or help. Yet another show is TLC’s Buying Naked, which follows nudists seeking to buy a home. Are you seeing the theme here?

Obviously this doesn’t seem like ideal family viewing. Of course all the nudity is blurred out when the episodes hit the air, but I imagine some parents still take issue with the idea of hundreds of naked people plastered all over cable.

But what if they’re wrong?

While the concept of these shows seems a little racy (especially VH1’s new hit), I’m not entirely sure we should be offended by this trend. After all, if we see all human nudity in a sexual context, isn’t the problem in our own heads?

Take Buying Naked for example. According to TLC producers, the show is simply a documentary-like television series detailing some of the unusual struggles of nudists. Buying a home is a relatively lackluster affair for most folks (sorry HGTV), but nudists have serious trouble finding real estate.

Even Naked and Afraid feels genuine in its “survival of the fittest” approach. While the contestants are usually physically fit (therefore a convenient nude subject for television), it seems necessary for a show where stamina and strength will decide the fate of the participants. So I pose the question again – is it a problem that we as a society see nudity as sexual content no matter the circumstances?

The answer is a big fat no, it’s not okay. Because we choose to be offended by nudity, we continue to sexualize our society and our children. If children are taught their entire lives that nudity is bad because it is a form of perversion, then that is how they will begin to see it.

This isn’t to say that these shows are completely innocent. Surely they decided to take nudity a notch up on television because they knew it would result in high ratings. This is true because, as I stated earlier, sex sells. The fact remains though, that if we refused to see these shows in a corrupt manner, the problem would subside.
I might be wrong. Perhaps anything with nudity is morally bankrupt and we need to avert our eyes. Maybe those who shamelessly promote nakedness deserve to be boycotted and taken down. But what do I know? I’m crazy. After all, I just wrote this entire article in the nude.

Issue 665 - 7/28/14
3 BIG QUESTIONS: NFL PRESEASON

As we round out July and enter into August a couple of things come to mind. One of them is that hopefully we’re in the back stretch of the “hotness”. August will surely bring its wave of heat, but by the end of the month it should start to cool. Another August attribute is that school will be starting up! Kids from ages 6 to 18, much to their chagrin, will be enjoying yet another season of learning! Despite things like seasons and schooling, August takes my mind to one place specifically before anywhere else – Football Season.

As teams reported to training camp last week, we find ourselves staring right in the face of the 2014 NFL Season. Amazing how fast it comes around isn’t it? In fact, the 2014 preseason kicks off this Sunday, August 3rd in a game between the New York Giants and the Buffalo Bills. So without further ado, I present to you 3 BIG questions for the 2014 preseason:

Will Johnny Manziel be the starter in Cleveland? After Cleveland drafted the phenomena known as Johnny Football with the 22nd overall pick, expectations for the lowly Browns skyrocketed. The fan base is so pumped up, they’ve made Manziel’s jersey the number 1 selling in the league! But we already know Johnny can build hype, the question is can he play at the NFL level? His game is similar to that of RGIII, the suddenly-embattled Redskins QB, who suffered a major injury his first year after tearing up the field and helping Washington to a division title. I think RGIII’s career arc to this point could be indicative of Manziel; he might just be too small, too fragile. It says here that veteran QB Brian Hoyer wins the job, but Johnny Football starts at some point this season – the next question is, will he stay healthy long enough to make an impact?

Are the Broncos better? After a humiliating Super Bowl loss exposed what looked like a dominant team in the regular season, the Denver Broncos went to work in the offseason. Having one of the busiest Free Agency periods in the league, Denver attempted to bolster its defense and add a couple of weapons for Peyton Manning. On the offensive side, it appears Denver came out about even (losing WR Decker, adding WR Emmanuel Sanders). The addition of TJ Ward and Aquib Talib in the secondary with a past-his-prime DeMarcus Ware on the defensive line should help out in the short term. You have to expect Denver’s record setting 2013 offense to take at least a small step back though, so with the defense improving I think Denver will show they are about as talented a team as last year, but more well-rounded. Expect an uneventful pre-season with Manning playing very little.

What team will be most improved? The amazing thing about being an NFL fan is the turnover in team success from year-to-year. Each and every season fans are stunned by a team that goes from “worst to first” in just one year. In 2012 the Washington Redskins improved 5-wins to take first place in the division and a playoff seed. In 2013 it was the Kansas City Chiefs who stormed out of the gate with a 9-0 record just one year after finishing as the league’s worst team. So who will show signs in the pre-season of being this year’s shocking team? A lot of pundits point to the Buffalo Bills and Houston Texans as contenders. Houston was a Super Bowl contender just a few years ago and the Bills seem to have a solid core of talent. Unfortunately neither Quarterback is a proven prospect. That being said, I expect the Buffalo Bills to look like the most improved NFL team throughout pre-season, even if they fail to live up to the hype come the regular season.

Please read my follow-up article the 2014 NFL Season Preview Special the week of NFL’s Kickoff Game, September 4th. We’ll see if my pre-season predictions came true and what to expect during this year’s NFL season.

Issue 666 - 8/4/14
OK COMPUTER

As a person still in my 20’s, I often wonder what kind of evolution I’ll see in our society by the time I near the end of my life. My grandparents for instance, lived in a time when television wasn’t a common household item to now, where satellite gives us the luxury of thousands of channels. Add in cell phones, tablets, and other gadgets and my oldest relatives have witnessed a complete turnover in how society operates on a day to day basis. Can you imagine what we’ll see over the next 60 years? All the time I hear the older generation point out how fast society moves in present times; we’re all in a hurry and they wonder why we can’t just slow down and appreciate life. While there is some truth to the fact that people could afford to take a breath and love life, there’s also a lot of merit to our current structure. So here is a case for living fast…

People have more access to more information than at any time before in human history. Why wouldn’t we take advantage of such a thing? Now is the time to live as previous generations only dreamed they could live. Want an answer to a question? Google it. Want to capture a memorable family moment? Snap a picture on your phone. Want to know how to start a business and get a loan? OK computer, let’s do it.

We are capable of anything. Before technology came and took over our collective brains, we were already the most capable and innovative species in the history of the universe (to our knowledge). Now we have a sidekick for everything. We can find our way. We can bring new ideas to life. We can educate ourselves. A day could come where we don’t even need the institution of education like we once did.

I recently read a research paper that showed if a person read just one hour a day on the internet on any subject of their choice, they would become an expert on the subject within seven years. This means in our age, unlike 80 years ago, when Mom tells us we can “be anything we put our minds to” she actually means it. We’re more self-sufficient than ever before.

So why then, does it seem like our species is in somewhat of an intellectual and moral decline?

It’s hard to say, but I’d be willing to guess that it has something to do with not understanding the concept of moderation. Because we have access to so much, so quickly, people have a tendency to put their lives into a screen. While computers, tablets, and phones do give us the capability of educating ourselves, teens and adolescents have a penchant for using technology in a mind numbing way. Children who are constantly buried in video games and cartoons rarely have the work ethic or motivation to learn and innovate.

What I’m trying to say is this – parents need to learn to use technology in a responsible way. Educating children from their youngest years about the advantages and dangers of new machinery is the only way to use it to our full advantage. If kids are taught their limits - they’ll quickly learn they have none when it comes to adult life.

But it’s not easy. We were all born into some sort of revolutionary time. There came a point when parents had to adjust to the uses of a motor vehicle; they had to learn how to teach their children to use the automobile to advance their lives. This will never stop. Every generation will encounter a new form of living and will be forced to make the adjustment for themselves and their offspring. Which again brings up the question, what will I have to teach my children? Will I understand it myself? Will I teach them to use new technology to advance their limitless potential, or will I accidently show them how to waste away their lives? Only time will tell – it always does.

Issue 667 - 8/11/14
WHAT’S IN A LOOK?

Walking into a grocery store, one might be surprised by the lack of detail they notice. Many people walk past sales and new promotions, never blinking an eye. Some of us will never catch the name proudly displayed on the cashier. Many people will miss the DVD rental box, unaware of its existence. I think the number one thing we seem to ignore now is people. How many of you could describe the physical attributes of strangers you’d passed at the store? Probably not many. This, for the most part, is a good thing. While I think we could all afford to be a little more aware of our fellow human, we seem to have come a long way as a society. People are no longer as quick to judge one another based purely on how they choose to present themselves.

In fact, I have a few relatives who have draped their arms in tattoos and chosen to grow their hair far beyond shoulder-length. 20-years ago, I feel these relatives would be seen as “bad news” or something of the sort. Today, people brush right on by never noticing the ink and hair. That’s a testament to our growth.

Just because someone chooses to have blue hair, doesn’t mean their heart stops pumping blood (and warm fuzzie’s). Most people have come to realize that they shouldn’t “judge a book by its cover”. Tattoos, piercings, unique haircuts, and individuality-based fashion have become socially acceptable almost overnight. Which has me asking the following question: What does it take to be an outcast in 2014?

FACE TATOOS: Sure tattoos aren’t viewed as hardcore and criminal as they were by older generations in the 70’s and 80’s, but that doesn’t mean they are totally customary. Facial and neck tattoos seem to carry a load of negative weight with them. Most employers will accept arm and leg tattoos in a professional environment because they can be covered. The same cannot be said for very-upper-body art. Parents will usually guide their children away from anyone with facial and/or neck art.

NAKEDNESS: This one seems obvious, but you’d be surprised how many people would like to see a world where we openly accept nakedness in ordinary day-to-day life. When ladies show “too much” skin, it’s typically taken in a sexual context and rebuked by the public. The same could be said (and multiplied) for men. While it’s no big deal for a man to walk around without a shirt on the boardwalk, beach, or even mall, it becomes considerably more offensive if a man loses his pants. Nakedness can result in major legal headaches, including being labeled as a sex offender by the Federal Government.

ODD PLASTIC SURGERY: The most uncomfortable people get by the way a peer looks falls under this rare and exclusive category. Plastic surgery has exploded over the last two decades. Things like breast and lip implants, or hair extensions have become commonplace. People aren’t so comfortable with other forms of body-enhancement though. Tongue splitting, Cinderella Foot, and Neck Stretching are just a few of the self-explanatory, strange new surgical procedures available for clients. Such things are not considered conventional and would surely pull a few eyes at the local grocery store.

So why do we pick and choose what is okay and what is not? I can’t really say. It’s bizarre that we socially accept certain looks and deny others. My best guess would be that we are wired to welcome looks the more often we see them. Back to my earlier point – tattoos are now considered normal because more people have them. Perhaps someday we will walk an Earth littered with naked, tiny-footed, painted people. It won’t be a big deal because we’re all naked and painted and no one can walk.

Until that day, I think I will continue the slow evolution of what is acceptable and what is contemptible along with my peers – after all, everyone else is doing it.

Issue 668 - 8/18/14
LIVING LARGE IN A RETAIL LODGE, AND
THE CURIOUS CASE OF THE TEXAS TEEN

Remember when Walmart came to town? It was this huge deal. I was pretty young, preparing to enter high school I believe, but still heard all about the economic-apocalypse that was going to happen in our city. No small businesses could possibly survive! The other two major grocery stores would be run out of town! There was no hope for anyone!

It all sounds kind of ridiculous now. What the mega-store actually became was a hotspot for teenagers when there was nothing else to do. I remember a lot of my late high school years spent roaming around the oversized warehouse after midnight. We’d spend 45-minutes there only to buy a soda or a $5 movie and get on with our weekend. Why it is that teenagers are drawn to any business open 24/7? Heck, 17-year-old-Nick would have hung out at a 7-11 simply because he could go there at 1am with some friends. There’s just… something about it.

Which is why when I read a recent story about a 14-year old in Texas who reportedly lived in a Walmart for 4-days without being noticed, I wasn’t that surprised. First of all, that’s awesome. Secondly, with shift changes and the store having pretty loose loitering policies, it’s not surprising the teen was able to go undiscovered. If anything I’m a little surprised he got caught that quickly.

It made me wonder how long one could live in a superstore if they really tried. Is it possible that somewhere, somehow, a person has been living in a retail store for years? Maybe employees just assume he/she goes there every day. They all work different shifts so how are they to know that someone’s been there the whole time? Plus, it’s not like the resident is going to stay in the building all day and night. The suspect would likely be in and out of their “home” just like the rest of us.

In the case of the Texas teen though, he did not feel the need to get out much. The unidentified 14-year old boy created a series of “camp sites” for himself. At some point he created a hole in a wall with access to a drink isle, so that he could take items without being noticed. But it doesn’t end there, this kid meant business.

The teen used diapers from the store so that he could remain in his camp and avoid having to expose himself and use the restrooms. That, my dear and loyal readers, is dedication. Eventually a small trail of trash led to his ultimate demise, when a team of employees followed it.

All of this has me thinking big ideas. We need some kind of reality television show where high school teens compete to see who can live undetected in a superstore the longest. The show could feature Walmart, Target, Sam’s, etc. The store manager would know, but the staff would be completely unaware. Whoever lasts the longest gets a $10,000 shopping spree? We’ll obviously feature different themed seasons – College Dropouts, Single Mom’s, Celebrities, Small Town Columnists. I bet I could last at least a week. I’m a fighter. We could even offer some kind of surprise $1.50 raise to the employees that expose the contestants! Maybe there could be some weekly challenges too? I’ll have to work out the details.

As for the young man from Texas, he was safely returned to his family. As of right now, Walmart doesn’t plan to press charges.

Issue 669 - 8/25/14
THE MONEY MACHINE

Where can you see a monkey riding a dog in a sparkle-sequenced jump suite? This exact act actually happened not too long ago during the halftime of a Denver Broncos’ game. Traditionally, half time shows were reserved for cheerleaders and/or marching bands. Some of the biggest schools in the nation still present the most exciting and entertaining student half time shows on a weekly basis. The NBA, NHL, MLB and NFL have a variety of half time show options. Sometimes spectators get to shoot a ball from half court for money or mascots will box while the crowd cheers on the home team. Every once in a while, we’re thrown a curve ball, like the aforementioned dog-riding-monkey-cowboy. But no matter what weird, wacky, or talent based half time gig is devised, they will always pale in comparison to one – The Super Bowl Halftime Show.

The Super Bowl is probably the only sporting event in the world where people who have absolutely no interest in the game still sit in front of the television for four hours. It’s an American tradition. In the modern era, the half time of the big game has been dedicated to big name bands and musical performers. Rock n’ roll hall of famers like U2, Tom Petty, and The Rolling Stones have all graced the stage.

Two years ago it was Beyonce’s turn. The popular singer called it the “biggest show of her career” and in many ways, she was right. Sure, the pop singer had played for thousands of people on tour, but rarely does any artist get a live audience of millions. Televised or not, that’s unprecedented. When it was made public that Beyonce was performing the show for free though, many rushed to judgment. Why would an artist as famous as Beyonce ever play for free? The answer was exposure. And even though it seemed ridiculous to some, it turns out the NFL hasn’t paid for half time talent in years.

Last week, the league took things once step further. Reportedly, the NFL reached out to mega-artists Rihanna, Katy Perry, and Coldplay and offered it’s coveted half time slot to the highest bidder. That’s right, the league wants these artists to ‘pay to play’.
This is the most outrageous thing since the fried Twinkie! The NFL is a multi-billion dollar organization. They will likely pull in over a billion dollars in profit on the Super Bowl alone next year. How could they possibly ask three of the most successful artists of the decade to pay them to perform the most important Half Time show of the year? There’s no logic in paying for this gig. All three of the artists mentioned will sell millions of downloads this year regardless if they play the show or not.

Arts and athletics have always seemed to have an unspoken rivalry. This does nothing to help that perception. If bands at the absolute highest level of performing have to pay to get shows, what does that mean for the smaller acts out there? Will every band have to pay their local bar just to get in front of an audience? Should painters put money up front to galleries to hang their art? Would it be okay for writers to just outbid other journalists to get their story printed in the paper? At that point it comes down to who has the most money; not the content of what is being said. We need rebels. We need people to inspire us. We need talented world-changers to make us feel better. We already live in a world where money influences our leaders and lawmakers, should we let greed overcome the beauty of art as well?

The choice now starts at the top. If the sanctity of art is to conquer the money machine, it’ll take every big name artists in the world to say “no” to the NFL and an audience of hundreds of millions. So what can we do? Nothing. All we can do is wait… and see who will break.

Issue 670 - 9/1/14
2014 NFL PREVIEW

Have you ever broken a promise? Did you feel guilty? It seems like every time I break a promise one of two things happened. The first and most common reason would be that I forgot; it’s an honest mistake and I feel bad about it. The second, rarer occurrence, is that I no longer feel obligated to uphold my end of a promise.

Four weeks ago, I promised I would write an official NFL preview for the 2014 season. Luckily for any sports fans reading this today, I didn’t forget. I also can’t come up with any legitimate reason to blow off the idea. So here we go – Nick Snips 2014 NFL Preview!
THE TOP 5 (Picks)

Unfortunately, NFL previews can’t be all rainbows and butterflies. Every year, a team will fail. Luckily for those unfortunate souls, they get to claim the number one overall pick in the NFL draft next year. According to my crystal ball (brain), you’re top 5 picks in the 2015 NFL draft will be:

Tennessee Titans (3-13)
Cleveland Browns (4-12)
Washington Redskins (4-12)
St. Louis Rams (5-11)
Miami Dolphins (5-11)

THE PLAYOFF TEAMS
Here’s where things get fun. Every year, pundits and professionals rally around the same twelve teams that made the playoffs the year before. That holds zero credibility in the NFL. Over the last decade or so, the NFL has shown an incredible amount of parity throughout the league. In fact, on average, the NFL has 6-of-12 new playoff teams every year!

But I digress. Several of last year’s teams are just too good to backslide out of the playoffs. This means we’ll likely get somewhere between 3-5 new playoff teams. I decided to split the difference. Here are my predicted playoff teams by conference:

AFC SEEDS
1. Denver Broncos 12-4
2. New England Patriots 11-5
3. Indianapolis Colts 10-6
4. Baltimore Ravens 10-6
5. Cincinnati Bengals 9-7
6. New York Jets 8-8

NFC SEEDS
1. New Orleans Saints 14-2
2. Seattle Seahawks 13-3
3. Green Bay Packers 12-4
4. Philadelphia Eagles 10-6
5. Detroit Lions 10-6
6. Tampa Bay Buccaneers 9-7

As you can see, I have picked a couple of surprise teams to make the playoffs. Don’t freak out – it happens every year. This year the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and New York Jets probably stand out among surprise teams. On the outside looking in, I wouldn’t count out the Houston Texans to shock the world in the AFC. In the NFC I wouldn’t totally discount the 49’ers or Vikings, if either one of their defenses can carry them to a wildcard berth.

THE CONTENDERS

Making the playoffs is great but, let’s be honest, only a handful of the final twelve teams are actual title contenders. In the AFC I see the Indianapolis Colts making a run by defeating the Jets at home and getting a tough road win in New England. Andrew Luck’s Colts made waves last year in a thrilling comeback against the Chiefs in the playoffs last year; never count them out. In the AFC Title game the most obvious choice for an opponent will be your 2014 Denver Broncos. Fresh off a stomping of the Baltimore Ravens, the Broncos will look poised to avenge their humiliating Super Bowl loss last year, by returning this year.

In the NFC, I like the top two seeds to take care of business at home against the Packers and Lions. Which would leave us with a thrilling Seattle at New Orleans showdown of what could be the best defense and offense (respectively) staring each other down.
SUPER BOWL XLIX

In an attempt to find myself unpopular locally, it says here that both of last year’s Super Bowl participants will come short of returning to the big game. That leaves us with an offensive showdown as the Indianapolis Colts square off with Drew Brees and the New Orleans Saints in Glendale, AZ. My official Super Bowl prediction for the 2014 NFL season? New Orleans Saints 31, Indianapolis Colts 19.

Enjoy the season, folks!

Issue 671 - 9/8/14
THE BIG BAD CLOUD

I don’t think I can remember a time when a movie about advanced robots rebelling and attempting to overrun mankind was viewed as original or fresh. It was all the rage in the 90’s. But at this point, it’s the oldest trick in the book. We’ve seen this before. We’ve also probably all thought about the haunting reality of it in our day and age. People are constantly freaking out about how quickly technology is growing. Can we control it? Do we really understand the devices we use?

Last week, one of the bigger celebrity stories of the decade broke out when a number of private photos were leaked on the internet. All of the photos were of famous actresses or singers. All of the photos were, how shall we say, inappropriate. We’ve seen things like this before, but this time it was different. The women in question weren’t your typical burnout celebs who likely have addiction problems. Often times when controversial photos hit the web, the celebrities are the most likely to have put them there. In this case, the women were highly respected in the business. There’s no way they had anything to do with it.

So what does it all mean? Why am I even bringing it up?

I’m addressing it because it could have happened to any of us. You and me (of course a prerequisite for this particular thing to happen would require you to take a scandalous photo of yourself on your phone or computer - but hey, I’m not here to judge). The unnerving part of it all is that it could pertain to anything you do, not just photos.

You see, these women were victimized by a hacker. After taking a photo on their phone, the A-lister’s photos were automatically saved on the iCloud, as all photos and information are for iPhone users. There’s no way around this, really. The hacker broke into the iCloud and had access to every text, call, and photo the women had ever created. Even if the content had since been deleted – it was still stored in the iCloud.

This is not unique to Apple products. There’s a “cloud” for everything. Every message you’ve typed. Every Google search you’ve made. Every e-mail you’ve sent. Every photo you’ve looked at. It’s all saved somewhere. Better yet, it’s all tied to you. Your computer/phone/tablet ties you to your email, facebook, etc. It knows your name and links it to literally everything you do online. Do not be fooled. There is no privacy.

So what does it mean? It means we’ve given immense power to supreme entities like Google, Facebook, Twitter, Apple, Microsoft, and more. What if Google decided to essentially blackmail every person in America? They could charge us $100 each to keep our lifetime search history private. If we don’t pay, they simply list our searches in a database. Who wouldn’t look at that public database? I’m thinking we’d learn a lot of interesting things about people we thought we knew.

What if Facebook offered users a thread of every private message they were ever mentioned in (but not involved in) for the small price of $20? I would buy and the social network would make hundreds of millions in extra cash that year. Wouldn’t everyone wonder if other people were talking about them?

It may be unsettling to think about these scenarios because unlike those 90’s robot movies – my situations are very tangible.

The worst part is that we have ourselves to blame. We knew what we were getting into. We knew the internet was something we didn’t understand, yet we exposed our lives to it anyway. The internet knows some people better than any human ever will. So do you have something to hide? Have you invested your secrets, health conditions, addictions, and forbidden desires into your dubious technologies? You better hope not. Because what happens in Vegas now, stays on the internet; there is no sacred city of secrecy; no place to hide.

Issue 672 - 9/15/14
MONEY TALK

It’s been 6 years now since I graduated high school. In a lot of ways it feels like longer; in other ways, much shorter. But that’s how these things go. One of the more notable decisions I made coming out of school was to not go back. Most teens from this area are destined for college before they even enter high school. Some are more suited for trade schools than universities, but feel pressured into a more “legitimate” degree. This has caused a great national complication.

Last week, in a survey conducted by CNN, it was revealed that over 40 million Americans have outstanding student loan debt. Not only is that number staggering, it’s also growing. In 2008, the very year I graduated, the number of Americans with outstanding student loan debt stood at 29 million. The average debt has also increased by $6,000. Though with tuitions constantly rising, that comes as no surprise.

There is good and bad with this. The good is that more people are getting degrees than ever before. Obviously, the bad is that many of these young folks are force into jobs irrelevant to their degree, paying off a loan that didn’t help them reach their career ambitions.

So what am I getting at here? Is this an indictment on Universities? Is it just a young writer pumping up his decision to skip school? Not entirely.

This is more a criticism on America’s credit system. The only good thing about student loan debt is that people can build up good credit by paying off the loans quickly and efficiently. But it goes the other way for those who can’t make the payments. We have based our entire society around credit agencies deciding who is and isn’t trustworthy. Young kids exiting high school aren’t afraid of student loans because getting a loan is necessary and normal in American culture. You have to get a car loan. You have to get a home loan. And now, you have to get a student loan.

WHY HAVE WE BUILT OUR LIVES AROUND BORROWING?

There is a new wave of financial living coming. It involves avoiding credit cards and saving money. Instead of borrowing money from the bank to start your small business, you borrow from your savings account. I know this isn’t possible or logical for many people. It is a great option for some folks though. To actually accomplish such a task would require working and building something slowly but surely. In the amount of time someone can get a degree, they can also build something of significant value that can lead to a better life. But I understand that’s rare.

I’m not trying to tell teens to give up on pursuing a degree. I’m not even saying building credit is bad. All I’m pointing out is that the old way of basing everything off borrowing is coming to an end. I’m saying that the most important thing is that kids pursue their dreams – whether that requires a college degree or riding a bus through Europe for a year. Success is defined differently by everyone. Maybe some people are proud of their crippling debt, but I’d bet against it.

So if there are any dreamers of a certain age out there reading this I have a message: Only take on a debt you know you can return. Don’t take it because you feel like you have to. And most importantly - do you. Finances shouldn’t define who you are as a person. It shouldn’t be a central figure in the hearts of your friends, family, and descendants once you’ve passed. Most of all, your finances shouldn’t hold you back from doing whatever it is that you love. Don’t let them.

Issue 673 - 9/22/14
THE YEAR OF YOU

The Chinese have this cool way of defining their years. This year, according to the 12-year cycle of animals that make up the Chinese Zodiac, is the Year of the Horse. As one would probably suspect, the animal rotates every twelve months. I remember not too long ago it was the Year of the Dragon; because that sounded pretty epic. In 2026, it will be the horse again, and so on.

In our lives things are a little different. We have a way of defining our years too, but it doesn’t operate on a cycle. 2004 was the year I started high school. 2008 was the year I moved with my band to California (it didn’t work out). 2012 I married my beautiful bride. This year, I’ll remember most for us having our first child together.

It works like that for everyone. Every year is defined differently. Sometimes even seasons are categorized. My wife and her friends from high school can remember a period in their lives known simply as – the summer of blue mountain dew.

In fact, our entire society defines a year by consistent themes or extraordinary events. We remember 2001 for a great tragedy. We remember election years and Olympic years. It got me wondering what this year was all about.

This my fellow humans is - The Year of the Challenge.

I think everyone and their mom came across or took part in the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge. It took social media by storm. We had presidents, professional athletes, steel mill workers, handicapped people, celebrities, and grocery store clerks all partaking in the same activity. It spread like wildfire. Those nominated for the challenge were instantly pressured into partaking and usually did, so they felt no shame or guilt for ignoring it. After all, I think everyone thought raising awareness and money for ALS was a good thing. But this wasn’t really about ALS after it was all said and done. It was about you.

Then, out of nowhere, the Ice Bucket Challenge started some unstoppable trend. I saw people posting on their social sites The Thankfulness Challenge – participants name three things they’re thankful for, for a certain amount of days. It was like Thanksgiving Day got bored of Thursdays. Constantly I was being harassed with the kind sentiments of others. Then there was the No Carb Challenge. It just kept going. Everyone I knew was being challenged to do something. Most of these, like the IBC, tagged along some kind of sickness or illness to “raise awareness” for. But again, at the end of the day, these challenges were about the people partaking.

That’s okay. I’m glad people are challenging themselves to new things. Whether it’s dumping cold water all over your body or telling the world you’re glad to have the parents you do, it’s refreshing to see folks step out of their comfort zone.

I used to make a New Year’s Resolution every year. It would always be something I’d never done before. It wasn’t the usual thing where you promise to lose weight or anything. This was always something different; something big. One year, I promised myself I would go along with the flow; if everyone else was doing it, I would too. I would succumb to peer pressure always. It was a crazy year. But I was finally in a place where I didn’t always have to be the rebel or odd man out. I became a better person for it.

I accomplished the goal annually. Often times, I define my years by the challenge I gave myself. 2014 will be the first year since I graduated high school that I will fail to accomplish my New Year’s Resolution. It went out of my control. But I think everyone should make a mid-year resolution to accomplish some sort of “challenge”. Whether you rip it from facebook or create it yourself, it’s always good to try new things. You could learn something about yourself. Who knows, it could end up being the most relevant and rewarding thing you do all year. This could be the year of you.

Issue 674 - 9/29/14
ONE

Have you ever encountered someone who always claims to “need their space”? I mean sure we’ve all been in situations where frustration or stress encourages us to spend some time to think and breath, but I’m talking about folks who need it routinely. They can’t properly function in the company of others; true introverts. There are even those who would prefer to live life alone – never get married, have kids, or even live with a friend. And it’s not as taboo as one might think. Heck, one might say our culture is leading down a path where those very beliefs become commonplace.

The proof is in the pudding (or in this case, a poll conducted by Bloomberg). A new study recently revealed that more American’s are single than at any recorded time in history. Of course that’s evident with there now being over 7-billion people in the world, but I’m talking about percentages here. There is a higher rate, per capita, of single people than ever before. Actually, for the first time, it’s over half! 50.2% of adults are now single in our country. They’ve only been taking these surveys since 1974, but I think it’s safe to assume once you go back into the early 1900’s – the percentages of married adults skyrockets the further back you travel.

There are two obvious factors that play into this. The first one is that men and women are getting married later in life. Working hard and getting a better education are highly touted in the 21st century. It’s usually recommended for young adults to focus on their career before a relationship. That is often advice coming from parents, teachers, mentors, etc.

The other major factor is likely a higher divorce rate than ever before. But we won’t go there, because this isn’t an internet blog (but shouldn’t it be??).

I think what would be extremely telling about this statistic would be the reaction of those reading it. Imagine seeing thousands of people hearing the news that there are more single adults than at any other time in our nation’s history. I’d bet all of my blue balloons that many young people would smile, say that it’s a “good thing”, and be on their way. The ideology that pulses through the bloodstream of America’s youth is largely centered on individualism and self-empowerment; neither one of those themes plays well into a long-term, committed relationship. And why should it? As a young person is a struggling economy where Master’s Degrees no longer guarantee middle-class jobs, shouldn’t you try to get your finances together before thinking about taking care of a family? And shouldn’t young people be encouraged to follow their dreams and be confident in who they are? Maybe individualism isn’t so bad.

On the other side of the spectrum you could watch a happily married couple, hitting the half-century mark on their marriage, read the aforementioned statistic with disgust and dismay. “What is happening these days?” they’ll ponder. They’ll sing praises about the sanctity of marriage and the importance of sharing a life. They’ll swear that their lover and offspring are their entire purpose for living; their legacy. Shouldn’t we effect the lives of others by drawing close to them? Shouldn’t we teach, learn, and build a community? Heck, most great stories of fiction, the ones that truly move and inspire us, are based around what these very people preach – finding true, unconditional love. It’s where so many will find genuine happiness.

But that’s just the thing. What is it that makes us happy?

The truth is, it’s different for everyone. Civilization has a way of creating and controlling social trends. Right now, the trend is to live for yourself. Sure significant others can make us feel good and important, but can one person really be the entire meaning of our lives? Can just one person make us feel loved forever? Can we love them forever? Honestly?

These are the questions a majority of Americans are asking themselves. I can’t answer them for you, only you can. The problem is, you’ll need someone else to help you solve the riddle. Oh, the cruel irony.

Issue 675 - 10/6/14
THE FALL FEAR CONUNDRUM

What are you afraid of?

Most people wouldn’t be scared of what you think. Sure skeletons, zombies, and vampires are all perceived as frightening, but we aren’t really afraid of them intruding our lives. The truth is, fear differs for everyone. Some people fear being alone. Many young people fear never accomplishing their dreams. The elderly are scared for future generations, or worry for their own health.

Fear is an individual based symptom, usually founded on expectations (i.e. no one expects to get house broken into - therefore we fear it). If we constantly had a read on everything that would transpire before it happened, we wouldn’t be afraid of anything, because we’d understand how to defeat anything negative in our path. Unfortunately, this isn’t a possibility.

So why am I writing on such a dark subject in my usually-chipper column? Because, as you’ve probably heard by now, it’s finally October! With October, I usually instantly think of three things: The heart of autumn, Pumpkin Pie, and Halloween. That’s right, in just a few short weeks toddlers and teens will unite to invade others home’s dressed in costume with the promise of free sugary treats.

The problem is, over the last decade plus, Halloween has become something to fear for many people. It’s not the fake spider webs and chainsaws buzzing around, but rather the anxiety of the unknown.

When I was a child, not long ago, I remember loving to trick or treat. My brother and I would invade the richest and most condensed neighborhoods in hopes of capturing the most high quality candy a kid could ever dream of. We usually did pretty well. Every year, before we’d be allowed to eat a piece of candy, we’d have to ask my parents. This wasn’t purely because they were limiting our sugar intake, it was to check that the candy was free of any dangers.

Why would anyone intentionally tamper with a child’s tasty treat?

Because, America, people be crazy. My parents would check every individual piece of candy to make sure it didn’t look like it was previously opened and no hidden objects were inside. They were looking for poison and blades. Isn’t that insane!?

No actually, it was just responsible (if not a little overprotective). You see, if there had been some tampering with our candy, we wouldn’t have been the first kids to ever encounter that. Which is why today, so many parents are afraid of what their kids are receiving out there. Often times, parents will opt for a church or school event, where they are confident the candy being given out is safe and delicious.

But there’s more to it than that. Some people get vandalized on Halloween. Some people’s dogs get kidnapped. Some people watch scary movies and wet the bed. Some people go to a party with people they don’t trust.

There’s a whole list of bad things that can happen on Halloween night. But I’ve got good (slightly terrifying) news. Bad things can happen to you on any night. It’s not just the 31st of this wonderful month. Any night some teens could be planning to drape your house in toilet paper. Every day some crazy person is scheming to hurt others. Somewhere, someone, wants to steal the nice things that belong to you. But that doesn’t mean you walk through life constantly afraid of these things. You can’t let fear control your life. I think batman said that…

That’s why I wrote this preview to the Halloween season. It’s best if you cautiously enjoy the holiday, with no assumption that something bad will happen. Live your life. Love your nights. Enjoy your holiday.

And if you should encounter someone with the intention to harm you and your family, specifically by the means of eating your flesh and initiating a chemical reaction in your bloodstream that changes your DNA makeup – destroy that zombie on site. The last thing we need is a Zombie apocalypse just days before the new season of The Walking Dead.

Issue 676 - 10/13/14
SPACE NAP

Have you ever watched on of those space movies where astronauts are “frozen” in a chamber so that they are better suited to travel galaxies away? I know I have. It was practically the go-to idea for Sci-Fi movie producers over the last century. So many fictional space travelers had cryogenic freezing chambers that the concept has actually become somewhat boring.

Oh, that person is cryogenically frozen (yawn)? Cool story, bro.

But now the idea of a freeze-sleep chamber is more exciting than ever. Why, you whisper? Because instead of fantasizing about the concept in some bad Hollywood reboot, the idea is now a reality!

That’s right folks, according to numerous reports around the inter-webs, NASA is laying the foundation for deep-sleep chambers. These pods would be used to send astronauts on long space missions. Most notably, NASA is targeting Mars.

“I don’t think that we could go to Mars without something like this technology,” says John Bradford (the president of SpaceWorks). Putting the crew into a deep sleep would open up a lot of possibilities for what Bradford estimates would be a 6-month trip, each way. Because the crew would be in a temporary deep sleep, the mission would require less food, oxygen, water, and matter. The estimation is that a mission to Mars could now be done with a total load of 220 tons, as opposed to 400. This is a much more realistic number.

The best part is that the technology for such a concept already exists. In fact, it’s used in most hospitals today.

“Other than the duration, the procedural aspects of this are pretty benign,” Bradford is quoted saying. And that’s the thing – it really is only an issue of duration. With a planned Mars-trip lasting so long, it would take a pretty pill to knock out someone for that amount of time. Currently, medical experts are able to use a method called therapeutic hypothermia to put patients into a deep sleep. While in this procedure, people are subject to a lower overall body temperature and experience a coma-like state. The treatment is only used for short periods of time, currently.

NASA was confident they could change that, however, when they began researching the technique for pilots over a year ago. As it stands, the longest torpor induced by therapeutic hypothermia is 14 days. So there’s a long way to go. Heck, Mars is a long ways away. Haven’t we been talking about a trip to the mystical planet for decades now?

So, how realistic is a mission to Mars in our lifetime?

President Bradford thinks it’ll be sometime in the next 20 years. Think about that. We may very well witness the greatest odyssey of the new millennium in the next couple of decades. Who’s to say it won’t be sooner, the way technology is growing?

Either way, it will be quite the trip for those who are privileged to go. After what will essentially be a 6-month coma, astronauts will spend 18-months on the planet before leaving for Earth. At least that’s the plan NASA has mapped out right now. In another quote to the press Bradford admits “We have a ways to go”. But it doesn’t mean we should expect nothing to happen. NASA researchers are constantly looking for ways to put the first man/woman on Mars. Some experts say it should be plausible within the next 5-10 years.

But isn’t that just like our species? We are endless explorers forging into every frontier we can encounter. We took land and sea, air and space. Perhaps we should start working on that whole time-travel thing? If the current state of mankind is any indicator, it’s only a matter of time...

See what I did there?

Issue 677 - 10/20/14
EXPOSED!

Every person has their guilty pleasure. For some, it’s a catchy pop song that they can’t stop listening to. Others enjoy a glass of wine with dinner, a cigarette, or a bit of desert every now and then, despite a strict diet. My guilty pleasure happens to be a syndicated radio show. I’m sure most people have at least heard of John-Jay and Rich in the Morning. They do this horrible thing where they trap people in phone calls on the air.

It works like this – a person who has a suspicion about their husband, wife, child, or friend, calls the radio show and explains their problem. The two hosts then make up a situation in which they can call the person in question and pry information out of them unknowingly.

Example:

Radio Host: Hey, you’ve just won a free dozen-roses from such-and-such flower shop! Who would you like to send them to? And what should the message be?

Unsuspecting Person: Oh wow! I’d like them to say – “to my secret lover” and send them to (someone other than their wife)

You see, it’s super sneaky.

They mainly catch cheaters and misbehaviors of a similar variety. Every once and a while the person calling has an incorrect notion and everything is fine. But more often than not, their suspicions are confirmed and the show turns into this awful mess of people’s lives.

Now, one could argue that John-Jay, Rich, and their cohorts are actually contributing good deeds to the world. It could be understood that the people who are prying deserve to know the truth. I wouldn’t fight you on that opinion. The real morale question here is – does this have a place on public radio?

Several months ago you may remember a huge scandal involving a man named Donald Sterling. He was older gentleman who used to own the Los Angeles Clippers. His “girlfriend” taped a private conversation of theirs and said some highly inappropriate things that were deemed racist by society as a whole. As a result, he lost his wife, team, and reputation. Many people felt he got what he had coming; I wouldn’t disagree. But what ever happened to the woman who taped the conversation?

She got her 15 minutes. She got high paying interviews on national television and became a celebrity for the summer (funny now, how I can’t even remember her name).

Was that how we as a society should have handled that situation? Sterling got what he had coming. Only he can be responsible for the mistake that he made. But shouldn’t the same apply to her? She illegally recorded somebody without their knowledge and then leaked it to the entire world. I’m no scholar, but something tells me we’ve all said things in private at one point or another that would destroy our reputation if it were displayed for the entire world.

So here, friendly readers, is the core question: Should we be able to publically expose other people’s personal issues without their permission? Is it moral of us to do so, or are we no better than the person being exposed?

It’s not an easy question to answer, because it’s not black and white. If a public official is embezzling money and ruining our city, most would feel the public deserves to know. Or should an authority figure just resign upon being caught and never tell voters why?

My opinion is this – we all have sinned. No one is perfect. Every person reading this article has done something in their life that they’re not proud of. I know I would not want my mistakes exposed to millions of strangers (even if that does come with the territory of writing the eighth most popular weekly column in the Tri-Lakes Area).

As a human being, I think exposing people in the public eye and ruining their reputation is wrong. I also think those exposed are responsible for the outcome, as that person must take responsibility for his/her own actions.

As a spectator I love this stuff. Keep up the good work, sketchy radio personalities!

Issue 678 - 10/27/14
THE LETTER

I never knew how much music could actually effect the world until Utah native Emily Morsal changed everything. It started on YouTube (like most things worth reporting these days). From a distance, Emily seemed like an ordinary 8-year old songstress. Plenty of little girls shove themselves in front of a camera and sing contemporary hits. Normally it’s cute, if not a little contrived. But with Emily it was different.

You know that feeling when you hear a young kid absolutely astound you with his mature and technically perfect vocal?

This was not like that. This was the opposite.

Emily Morsal happened to be the worst singer in the history of the universe. She sang these horrible original songs, which only consist of this strange shrieking and whispering, and then put them on YouTube for the whole world to hear. People could hardly listen without gagging. Yet, for an unknown reason, listeners were constantly drawn back. Exactly three weeks before the writing of this article Emily uploaded her first sorry excuse for a song to the internet. As of the time you’re reading this, she’ll have over 900-million Youtube views. A reporter by the name of Clint Forjeri wanted to know why.

In a report by The Metro Sun out of Barrow, Alaska (for which Forjeri edits/writes) Emily Morsal had under 100,000 unique listeners. Meaning each person who listens to one of Morsal’s “songs” is expected to listen to it about 100 times more! Forjeri saw something wasn’t right, so he decided to visit one of Morsal’s listeners, a young man from Jersey.

Vincent James Fercelli was 17-years old. When Forjeri arrived at his home, after traveling cross-country, he didn’t find what he expected. Fercelli, by every account was a normal suburban kid. He ran track and held a 3.2 High School GPA as a senior. Why would a perfectly normal kid obsessively listen to the shrieking of an 8-year old monster?

It turns out, something was different about Fercelli. He was very ill. His parents, surprised that a writer from the highly-renowned Sun Times had traveled so far to interview their son, told Forjeri that their boy had been stricken with a violent illness about three weeks earlier. His skin started to turn a blue color and his appetite had diminished except for raw, live animals. Clint Forjeri found his story, but not the one he wanted.

In an effort to disprove his theory, he started visiting other listeners. But sure enough, they had come down with the mysterious illness too.

Then it broke, like a wildfire jumping on a pile of pine needles, every news station in the first world reported the horrible scene on the Jersey Pier. Vincent James Fercelli had eaten a human. He was on the run and considered highly dangerous.

Clint Forjeri warned the parents of the other victims. Then Forjeri headed where no one else would think - to the Utah home of Emily Morsal. He brought a recorder. The following is the account…

Clint: I’m at a vacated property in the Salt Flats. There is no sign of a vehicle or really any human life form. The yard is scattered with tricycles and the remains of a broken swing set. What’s that!?

Strange, I thought I just saw a doll running…

I’m approaching the front porch. The door is open (creaking)

Suspect: Come in

Clint: Emily? Is that you dear? I just want to talk, My name is-

Suspect: What would you like to talk about Clint? Wanna talk about my dolls?

Clint: No Emily, I just wanted to talk about your beautiful singing. Are your Parents home?”

(Loud group laughter)
(Footsteps)

Clint: Hello young lady. Where is all the furnitu- AAHHHHHGGG!”
(Screaming)

Clint: How are you making them zombie’s!? Who sent you!?

(crashing noises) (inaudible) (screaming)

Unfortunately, that’s the last recovered audio from the tape Clint was carrying. I’m writing this letter from the shelter. If you’re still out there, if you’re still alive, please find a safe house. The zombies are growing. They won’t stop. We must find a cure!

Find shelter soon, and have a
Happy Halloween, if you survive.
-Nick Yanez
Survivor, Activist

Issue 679 - 11/3/14
THE LAST HOUR

Well, that was it folks, somehow I survived the worst weekend of the year. Maybe I’m being harsh, it might not be the worst weekend, but it’s consistently one of my least favorite. I mean who ever thought of such a thing? An entire weekend built around madness. It’s scary. It’s haunting. It makes me lose sleep – one hour to be exact.

The weekend I’m referring to is the end of Daylight Savings. It’s the inconvenient time of year where we “fall back” into the original hourly schedule of our world. Mostly, it loses us an entire hour our weekend. I started wondering who came up with this whole daylight savings thing (George Vernon Hudson originally proposed the concept back in 1895, if you were wondering too). That thought got me on a rabbit trail – what is time really? Who created the version of keeping time we use today? Why months and years? What’s the point of seconds and minutes?

Time is the name and formula we use to track something beyond our comprehension. All we’re really doing is assigning numbers for the period it takes for our planet (and others) to orbit the sun. The reason we’ve given it such an easy and understandable system is so we can all apply it to our daily lives. But what if time isn’t a straight line? What if it can be altered?

The fact remains, we know very little about time and space. One thing we are certain of though, is that they can be changed. Time can be altered based on changes in matter, speed, and gravity. We just don’t understand it fully. But we have taken some steps forward.

In the theory of relativity (according to definition) there is something called time dilation. It’s an actual difference of elapsed time between two events as measured by observers either moving relative to each other or differently situated from gravitational masses. So let’s set a situation where this makes sense…

Let’s say an astronaut launches into space in a new advanced space ship. This vehicle will allow the astronaut to travel at light speed, meaning his 483-million mile journey to Jupiter would only take 43 minutes. On board, the astronaut (we’ll call him Clayton) uses a stop watch to time his journey. Back at headquarters NASA uses a stop watch which they start and stop at the exact time Clayton does. By time the journey to Jupiter was complete, the two stopwatches wouldn’t have recorded the same time. Because one stopwatch was traveling at the speed of light, it would show a time much less than that of the clock at NASA.

But why? Something about gravity and speed to be sure. Other than that, I really can’t explain it to you. But scientists have proved several times (even on Earth) that time moves slower when traveling at abnormal speeds.

The point I’m trying to make here, if there is one, is that time isn’t even something we can measure. It’s not consistent. So why then did I lose an entire hour this last weekend? It certainly wasn’t due to driving too fast on the highway.

It’s actually because, years ago, the government wanted us to better use our daylight, thereby conserving energy usage in households across America.

In hindsight, I don’t have an issue with the start of Daylight savings. I enjoy that extra hour to the fullest extent. I guess I’m just kind of whiney and irritable on the “fall back” version. But can you blame me? After all, I did lose an hour of sleep recently.

Issue 680 - 11/10/14
THE OVERBLOWN CONFESSION OF A PETTY WRITER

Something happened last week that has never happened before. People from all around me, friends, family, acquaintances, and out of town visitors approached me to talk about Nick Snips. I was baffled! I mean, never before in the almost two-year history of Nick Snips had anyone ever given me the slightest hint that they even knew the column existed. But here they were, spelling out in detail what I had written about last week.

Unfortunately for this young writer, the only reason anyone was talking was because I had made a mistake. I’ve no choice now but to confess.

If you happen to be one of the twelve people in the state that didn’t notice, I made a huge error in announcing that last weekend I had lost an hour of sleep due to Daylight Savings Time. I went on this whole spiel about losing an hour, ranting and raving about the space time continuum and underhanded politics.

Truth is: I wrote the article almost an entire week before you read it.

That’s how this business works people. I even managed to realize my bone head error several days before the paper was released, but it was too late. The issue had been sent to print. It was over. Soon the column would be in black and white and the world (er, El Paso County) would know my blunder. And they did. People were all over this one, so quick to point out my blatant error.

Why is it that we as a society are so quick in pointing out each other’s gaffes? Whether it be face-to-face or behind closed doors, seldom do we compliment more than we criticize in a day. Think about that. I’m guilty of it myself. I’m so quick to rumble about how slow the grocery store clerk was or how bad my coffee from the coffee shop tasted. I don’t think I’ve ever told a cashier how quick and efficient they were.

Yet I am, by all societal measures, a kind gentleman. I open the door for people all the time. Seriously. If I’m in the parking lot, I will scope out the group of old ladies twenty parking spaces down and begin calculating. I hurry my walk by 6 paces per minute, ensuring I will beat them to the door (but not so badly that I have to awkwardly wait for them to get there). I get there about 5 steps ahead of them and open that bad boy up. And it feels soooo good. Instant fulfillment!
Then, what usually happens is this – I get in line behind the clan of elderly women I just so selflessly helped. They approach the food counter. They are very thorough in deciding what exactly they would like to eat. They ask if the fast food joint accepts checks. The cashier begrudgingly says yes. They fish the checkbook out of their oversized purse. They scratch around a pen until something that kind of looks like it could be money is passed from the customer to the cashier. The 17-year old cashier looks at the check like it’s a tickets to a Grand Funk Railroad concert – he wants nothing to do with this. Meanwhile, I’m behind them regretting I ever helped contribute to this slow motion reenactment of the creation of the universe. It’s taking f-o-r-e-v-e-r. I find myself snickering mean sentiments behind their back.

So basically, I’m not that great of a guy after all. Maybe it was karma that cursed me all week with this vexing error. Perhaps I just made an honest mistake and I deserve the benefit of the doubt.

Either way, if you take anything away from this glorified admission letter, let it be this – be nicer to people. Even if it’s just for the week. Compliment a stranger’s outfit. Tell a waiter they have a great personality. Don’t fabricate these things, give genuine praises. Try to notice more what you like about people than what you dislike. You might feel better about yourself. You might just be glad you gave Nick Snips a second chance.

Issue 681 - 11/17/14
GOODBYE BLUE SKIES

There’s no feeling quite like going to the cinema. At least, that used to be the case. So often I hear about how disappointed people are having attended a movie theater these days. They complain about spending $50, seeing a mediocre flick, and being cold the whole time. I too have been greatly disenchanted with the theater as of late. 2014 has been a truly awful stretch for movies. While many films pulled in serious money this year, they didn’t seem to touch my soul in any way.

Thankfully, that all changed a little over a week ago when I saw the brilliantly under-acclaimed Interstellar. It was vivid, thrilling, and thought provoking. Most of all, it brought back that magical feeling one can experience at the theater with its vintage flare and grandiose imagery. I highly recommend it.
(Now that I’ve pleased our advertisers, let me get to my point)

Interstellar abruptly brought to light the old flame of one of America’s greatest conspiracy theories – was the Moon Landing fake?

Without giving too much away, the film addresses (and denies) the theory that Apollo 11 never actually landed on the moon on a summer night in 1969. This would make Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin and ten other Americans glorified actors, not the hero’s they’ve been celebrated as for the last 40-plus-years.

It starts with inconsistencies in the videos and photos taken on that historic day. The first and most cited allegation is that the American flag that is placed on the moon appears to be moving in photographs. With no wind on the Moon, this would seem impossible. Theorists also site the fact that the footprints of the astronauts were unrealistically well preserved despite the fact that there is no moisture on the Moon.

Both of those theories were put to bed in a 2008 episode of the show MythBusters called “NASA Moon Landing” where they addressed several conspiracy theories about the event. In the episode they prove that in a vacuum, a flag does not need wind to flap temporarily after a person sets it in motion. They also explain that the composition of lunar soil differs from terrestrial sand, meaning it behaves differently when stepped on. Because it is not weathered, lunar sand has a jagged texture which allows the particles to lock, creating clearer prints on the Moon’s surface than here on Earth.

Basically, the MythBuster guys did what they do best. They blew up each and every individual theory about how the Moon Landing was an elaborate Hollywood production.

But then, something unexpected happened.

Issue 682 - 11/24/14
THANKSGIVING BLUES

Are you excited? This week we all get to experience the glorious day that is Thanksgiving. There will be Turkey, mashed potatoes, corn, gravy, and definitely pie. I’m going to be indulging myself in a healthy portion of each item, as well as some serious NFL football. I don’t want to get totally out of hand and say that T-day is my favorite holiday, but I also don’t want to say that it’s not. The feast-centered celebration is perhaps the most universally loved National Holiday in America. But as with every good thing in life, there is one major stain on the silky-smooth day – it’s called Black Friday.

I’m sure you’ve heard the complaints. Over the last three or four years Black Friday, the most cutthroat and callous shopping day in the first world, has slowly evolved into Black Thursday. This has many questioning the morals of business owners and CEO’s around the world. A large portion of the American people contest the idea of Black Thursday, saying employees of retail giants like Walmart, Macy’s, and Best Buy deserve the Holiday off like everyone else. They refuse to shop on Thanksgiving and give into the greedy capitalist agenda!

The only problem with that is… it will make no difference. Don’t you think major retail stores have factored in the Anti-Black-Thursday brigade into their decision making? Big wigs across the industry are very aware that about 70% of shoppers won’t take part in the holiday shopping. It’s the other 30% they crave.

The past couple of years, major retail companies have experimented with opening in the evenings on Thanksgiving. It’s given many teenagers an excuse to get away from their families long after the feast has ended. For the most part, Black Thursday has been a success – which is why we’re seeing more of it. Would big companies open on Thanksgiving if they were losing money? Of course not. They’ve made a handsome portion of profits in their Holiday endeavor, which is why they’re taking it to the next level this year.

This year’s super villains though, are K-Mart, Big Lots, and Radio Shack. These three companies are bypassing the after-dinner shopping approach that Best Buy and Walmart innovated and taking it to the extreme. All three of the retailers will be opening Thanksgiving morning, forcing many workers to work full daytime shifts on the National Holiday. K-Mart is opening the earliest, at 6am.

There’s good and bad that comes with this. Obviously people feel workers should be entitled to a day off with their family. But why? It is after all just a Thursday where we eat a big meal. This is by no means infringing on anyone’s religious freedom, as it’s not that type of holiday. Maybe people should enjoy and appreciate time with their family on their day off, every time of year. It’s basic time management. Plus, a major bonus for non-retail workers is that Black Friday is now a cheap shopping opportunity for those who don’t feel like standing in line at 3am.

Then there’s the more tender side of things. Give these retail workers one day off. They deserve that. They’re people. They’re Americans. Let’s respect that. Black Friday is supposed to be the major kick-off to Holiday shopping, where friends and family get Christmas gifts for each other in an attempt to make their loved one’s feel cared for. Is greedy shopping on a beloved Holiday really the proper way to go about this?

Here’s my thought on the matter – K-Mart’s strategy will totally backfire (as with Radio Shack and Big Lots). Thanksgiving is a day where people traditionally like to relax, watch television, and eat. That’s not going to change for some silly sales. The morning and early afternoon sales will suffer, as K-Mart and its evil cohorts lose money by overstaffing. Meanwhile, businesses that open in evening after most Thanksgiving meals have been consumed will see roaring success, as usual. In 2015, expect more of Black Thursday – but not until 6pm or so.

On that note, Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family; be blessed.

Issue 683 - 12/1/14
COOKIES AND CONSEQUENCES

It’s that terrible time of year. The holidays are upon us.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not one of those people that gets depressed and emotional during the holidays. I don’t get annoyed by Christmas decorations or Santa displays at the mall. I’m talking about food; all the delicious goodness. There are dinners upon dinners. Gracious women everywhere are baking cookies and pies. How can you refuse? You can’t. It all taste so good!

But it all comes at a cost. It’s no secret that most Americans start putting on a little extra weight around the holidays. It all started last week. That Turkey never stood a chance. Neither did the mashed potatoes. Thanksgiving dinner was a great feast, where there was no shame in overstuffing yourself among friends and family. It’s a ‘feel no shame’ kind of day in general.
Now we’re in the home stretch. Right now, many of us are finishing up our leftovers from last week. Soon, Christmas treats will start spreading down the street. Then there’s the actual Christmas eve/day dinner. In the end, we find ourselves on New Year’s Eve washing it all down with alcohol. Why must our bodies be cursed with all of this glorious food and drink in such a short time period? To make matters worse, the next few months will be bitter cold, making it more difficult to get motivated for jogging, hiking, and other healthy activities.

And if you think you have it bad, think of me. For those of you who don’t know (roughly 95% of you) I’m days away from having a newborn baby. It’ll be near impossible for me to lose this holiday weight! I’ll be stuck at home shoving prime rib in my mouth while balancing a baby in my non-food designated hand. What’s a guy to do!?

Then it hit me.

Who cares if we add on to our bodies over the next few months? Heck, the pastor at my church says he wants to believe that his congregation is full of “big people”. Well, luckily for that guy, we’re all about to grow a little bit. Weight, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder.

Now if you happen to be surrounded by people who have an eye for the lean, it may be wise to try and be responsible this year. Actually, I don’t believe keeping our weight steady is all that difficult over this stretch. Sure, we have the two main days where we really lay it on. Thanksgiving and Christmas are days of little physical activity and heavy consuming. But it only has to be for those two days. If you make a conscious decision to eat healthier than normal on a day-to-day basis throughout the month of December, Christmas will find itself irrelevant when it comes to your abs (or lack thereof).

But you didn’t need me to tell you this. I’m sure whoever was steadfast in remaining thin this season has already made up their minds. Likewise, everyone who could care less about staying thin this year probably stopped reading roughly 200-words ago. More power to you. Except for the fact that you stopped reading – reading has been proven to improve your brain’s stamina and performance.

Good luck this holiday season for those trying to stay away from the cookies. Personally, I’ll be looking to lay off the extras this month. In 16-years when my daughter looks back at photo albums (on facebook), I don’t want her asking my wife who “that blob” is in the photo holding her. I’d rather just be dad.

Happy eating and shopping folks. Tune in next week when we examine the good, bad, and relevance of the mermaid revolution of 1847.

Issue 684 - 12/8/14
THE ACCIDENT

This column is the beginning of something. Everything we do is the start of something else. When we wake up it’s the beginning of our day. Then we start the car, which is the foundation of our travel. Even when we shut our eyes to go to sleep, it’s the beginning of our rest that evening. Every action or thought will segue to another. With that in mind, I’m trying to tell you that this column you’re reading right now is the intentional start of something. It was a conscience beginning; destined like all new life to eventual meet an end.

Last week was eventful for me. It featured a full range of high and low emotional sensations. On Monday, my wife and I were greeted by our first born child; a beautiful girl named Laika (that’s a shout-out, folks). On Wednesday, on my way to bring the aforementioned loved ones home from the hospital, I was involved in a car accident that may or may not have totaled my vehicle. Since this is a newspaper and I am technically a member of the media, I’ve decided to focus this article on the negative events from my week, namely – the accident.

I got my 1999 Subaru Forester about two and a half years ago, just before my wife and I were married. It was the third vehicle I had owned in my adult life. Whether or not the vehicle can be fixed or not has no bearing on the simple fact that I am eventually going to have to buy another vehicle. But how? So much happened in this car. This was the car that my wife and I drove to our honeymoon in. It was the vehicle we’d visit her Grandmother in hospital in, for the last time. We drove the Forester in over 8 different states together. That Subaru took us to our good friend’s funeral, and brought home our puppy for the first time. It was the car that was supposed to take our baby girl home, too. But then it wasn’t.

Isn’t it amazing how we can become attached to things that aren’t even living? I mean, all logic and science says that my Subaru will never know it got hurt or damaged. The car will never miss me. Yet I feel somewhat emotional with the thought of having to say goodbye. It made me wonder how many cars I will go through in my life.

Naturally, I did some research on Google.
The average American will own twelve vehicles in their lifetime. Of course that varies rapidly from person to person, as some billionaires own well over twelve vehicles at one time. But think about that; having to say goodbye like this twelve different times. So my research continued…

The average person will spend 25-years of their life sleeping. They will watch 2 hours and 45 minutes of television each day. On average we’ll have two kids, spend 70% of our walking life using digital media, laugh 290,000 times, have 150,000 dreams, spend 8-years shopping, and live until we are 78-years old.

Take a look at some of those numbers. How do they make you feel? Is it scary? Are you aware of how many more cars you’ll own? Do you know how many laughs you have left; or breathes?

Car accidents are scary. They’re inconvenient. They’re stressful.

But maybe I shouldn’t even be worried about wrecking my beloved Subaru. After all, odds are I’ve got quite a few more vehicles to drive. You can look at averages and statistics two different ways. The first makes you worry that maybe you won’t match up - you’ll be below average. I prefer the other way: statistics and odds don’t control me. I control them. Odds are, I’ll have another vehicle. But I’ll never have one quite like the one I just did. There’s no way I ever could.

Odds also say that my wife and I produced a perfectly average and normal American girl. But I reject those odds. I like to believe we gave birth to a legend. One that will be remembered forever and ever. And that my friends, is no accident.

Issue 685 - 12/15/14
THE EXAMINATION OF ONE'S SELF

Have you ever lived in an apartment? Chances are high that you have; most people had/wanted to at one point in their lives. In fact, many of you reading this probably live in an apartment complex or townhome right now. I had somehow never found myself living in an apartment, until now.

My least favorite thing about living in an apartment versus a single family home is the notices you get from the office managers. It seems about every couple of weeks I come home to some piece of paper pinned on my door. It’s different every time, but usually inconvenient. This week, like so many times before, I found myself staring at another piece of paper while juggling my keys. This time, it was a notice from pest control.

I want to make clear before I go any further – we don’t have a bug problem at our unit. This was simply a precaution to avoid ever having a bug problem. Normally, I would appreciate such a gesture, as I have never been known as a kind caretaker of pests.

But I wasn’t appreciative at all.

The reason for my lack of gratefulness was the fact that I had to empty out all of my kitchen and bathroom cabinets so that they could use the treatment. All of this had to be done in under 24-hours’ notice.
It was so untimely.

So there we were, at 10 o’clock on a Wednesday night frantically trying to clear out our entire kitchen so that some stranger can make it smell like poison for a couple of minutes. We had to clear space for this great expedition, so we were essentially rearranging our entire apartment.

It was so fitting. Here we are, existing in the most definitive time of our lives, at the most relevant and emotional time of the year. Christmas time brings family, friends, and God to the center of our lives, if only for a week. It reminds us what’s important. It reminds us who we live for.

Then New Year’s rolls around. It’s the perfect answer to the warm vibes and fulfillment of the Christmas season. New Year’s Day is when people examine their own flaws more than any other time of year. It’s the one time of year we completely rearrange our lives. We repair ourselves. Some people decide to change their bodies. Others choose to embrace or reject relationships. Many make promises to break habits or better their outlook on life. Whatever the case may be, January 1st has a tendency to make us very self-critical.

I don’t want to sound like a negative Nicky. I think it’s great! People should always make it a priority to better themselves. We should always be aware of our strengths and weaknesses. Why do you think they ask that exact thing of you in job interviews? Because it’s extremely important to know.

We should, however, learn to be wiser about these powerful emotional reactions. Why must our self-loathing only come on the first day of the year as the result of a hangover and a regrettable evening out? We should be more emotionally available to ourselves on a day to day basis.

What I’m trying to say, a few short weeks from Christmas, is this – don’t get too high or low this holiday season. Enjoy your celebrations and dinners and don’t beat yourself up too bad when it’s all over. If you want to make important changes in your life, forget New Years – start today. Make yourself better every day. Somewhere in that place, you’ll find happiness. It doesn’t matter who you are right now. There’s always hope.

Take it from a guy who just had to clear out his kitchen and bathroom, everything can be put back together. That includes you.

Issue 686 - 12/22/14
THE PENULTIMATE ONE

It’s time again for my most wonderful holiday tradition! In the event you have a case of Bretton-Woods-conference-syndrome and need to be reminded, every year around Christmas time I write a Christmas poem!

Actually, I usually take an already existing Christmas poem and change it to my liking… but that’s neither here nor there.

Now, I know how pretentious this sounds – because it kind of is. The thing about the Christmas poem is that it’s the one time of year I proudly put out a corny creative shtick. My entire adult life has practically revolved around the fact that I want to be disassociated from any corny, feel-good clichés at all times. But then Christmas rolls around and I get to do this. It’s my gift to you. Like socks, toothpaste, and hallmark cards - it may not be what you asked for, but it might be just what you need. This year’s poem reads like the Henry Wadsworth classic Christmas Bells poem, with a twist. In an ode to those who feed us on Christmas eve/day, here is my official remix…

CHRISTMAS SMELLS

I sniffed the smells on
Christmas Day
That old, familiar fruitcake,
So wild and sweet
A tasty treat
A classic loaf, which many hate!

And I thought how,
as the day had come,
The belfries of all bakers’ tums
Had rolled along
A sugar dough
Of Christmas cookies,
that we all love!

Still, rolling, smashing stuff to eat
The world would fall into a sleep,
A rest, a dream
A nap sublime
Until Dinner was ready;
the smell of meat

Then from each black,
accursed mouth
There came demands
north and south,
And with the sound
The cooks all frowned
No time to cook, no peace to chow!

And in despair I bowed my head;
‘There ‘s no Christmas meal,’
I said;
‘For picky peeps,
All mock the meal
Of which we’ve come
to gather for!’

Then pealed from the foil
was the finest rib;
dinner was served; awake and then
the yellers shushed
the pickiest blushed,
A peaceful meal,
with good will towards men!

Appreciate those who feed you
on Christmas Day and have
a Merry Christmas!

Issue 687 - 12/29/14
THE LAST ONE

Welp, it’s finally here – my last article in Snippetz. If this is catching you off guard then I’ve got two things to say to you.

1) You actually care? That’s amazing. I feel so horrible now for not writing this article anymore.
2) I warned that the end days were coming for Nick Snips when I briefly dropped a hint in an article titled The Accident, two short weeks ago.

It’s funny because this whole thing came about accidently. Nearly six years ago I met George Wilkins at Rosie’s Diner in Monument, Colorado. Of course I’d heard of George, my mother had known him around town, like everyone else. But this was the first time I actually met him. In our very first encounter George told me that he’d heard “rumors” about me (I still don’t know what that means and deny any accusations). He asked me a few questions before providing me with a small part time job delivering Snippetz.

It was good for me. I had just moved back to my home town, with my head down. Things on the east coast didn’t pan out and I needed some source of income. This was me starting over. So I did it. I drove down to a warehouse in Colorado Springs on Sunday nights and picked up the load. That night, I’d drop off papers to the business’s that were closed on Mondays. The next morning I’d bring the bulk of the papers in, delivering them to the assigned area and chatting up local business owners, waitresses, and part timers.

About 6 months later, on a whim, I asked George if I could write in his paper. I had always been praised as a good writer by my teachers growing up. I figured I’d give it a shot. That’s when it started. Over the next five years I would write a sports column, human interest pieces, local spotlights, glorified advertisements, one restaurant review, and a column called Nick Snips. I could write pretty much whatever I wanted in this column. Who gives that kind of freedom to a young rebel-writer with a snarky sense of humor and no degree? Well, George Wilkins did, because he believed in me. It’s one of the many reasons that I view him as a good man.

But I digress, this last column isn’t about George.

In these final words I wanted to address something bigger than Snippetz, small towns, and personal achievements. I want to start a dialogue about more than silly innovations, new technologies, or advancements in experimental medicine. Over the two years of Nick Snips I’ve talked about quirky news stories, professional sports, cultural problems, personal triumphs, and so much more. It made me wonder how I should end it. What would be a fitting finish to a column that had no clear direction from day one? Nick Snips has been a random series of thoughts. A small glimpse into the mind of a twenty-something starving artist getting by in the most relevant years of his life. It made me want to write something important; something worth reading, if just for one time.

So I came up with this:

I don’t know if you believe in a God. I don’t know what you do to reassure that faith or how it looks to you. Religion is a funny thing. It offends people just by bringing it up. Heck, I’m sure most of you are shocked I’ve even touched on this subject. Either way, whatever you believe and however you believe it, I want to ask you a question. After you read it you may shrug it off or find little meaning. But if you really dive in, it might change your life. You don’t even have to worship a God or go to church to answer the question. In fact, I’m not sure there even is an answer. Here it is:

What if there are parts of God specifically made for you, which no one else can ever know?

I didn’t come up with that. It was a good friend who said it. But it got me thinking. Hopefully I’ve done the same for you at some point over the last five years…

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